Words To Remember And Live By, Ladies And Gents.

May 28

So a lot has changed... I’ve since graduated, and I’m unemployed. My worst nightmare has come true, and yet I’m still alive and well to tell the tale about it. I’m going to be staying in South Bend for a few weeks (months) until I have a job lined up. I was really panicked about it, really anxious and stressed and just using it to evaluate my self-worth like crazy, but for some reason all of that has faded and I’ve just ACCEPTED the circumstances. Which is nice.

Things with Devin and I are going much better. He’s collared now, he’s officially under consideration. I have no idea what that means to him. When we were together, things were great. He tried really hard. Now that he’s back in Virginia, he’s just gotten REALLY lazy. REALLY unwilling to do the things I ask of him. Most of them are little things (in my mind)... Things like daily journaling. Or anal stretching so that we can actually have the pegging sessions I want to have. He’s responsible for monthly contract reviews, for us to reread and talk about the contract we signed when he put the collar on. He typically tells me when he’s spending time with friends, but I’m noticing that he’s really selective about the friends he’s telling me he’s spending time with. We went to the Power Exchange Summit a few weeks ago and it was fantastic. I think he got a lot out of it. One of the sessions I attended said that challenges with control usually aren’t a struggle within the relationship but are a struggle within the bottom.

I don’t feel as though I can just tell him what to do, that I can say “you’re slipping, moving forward you’re going to do this” because I don’t think he’s going to do it. And THEN what do I do. It’s the constant mental struggle I have, it’s the number one reason leading (or maybe just leading HIM) is so difficult. Because he’s lied to me before. He’s ignored tasks, he’s ignored punishments, he’s just WAY doing his own thing on his own time and disregarding the expectations of the relationship.

It’s hard. I know he’s learning, I know he’s young and trying to individualize, I know he wants to be good but he’s just not willing to do a lot of the work it takes to be good. So what do I do with him given this circumstance. I have no idea.

“You can’t choose your feelings. You can only choose between feeling them or going crazy.”

—

March 16

Today I feel conflicted. It’s difficult to accept all of the implications of not being in a relationship with Devin anymore. I think about all the things we had planned to do that we didn’t do... Sexual things, vanilla things, things we had intended on doing at some point in the future. I think about our dream house, or the trips we would have taken, collaring ceremonies or even the collars themselves. But even on a more granular level, I think about never touching him again. Never hearing him laugh or seeing the way his face looks when he’s concentrating on something. I’ll miss his patience, and his even-tempered ness.

I blocked him yesterday. When I realized he got onto fetlife the night after he dumped me to change his status to looking for a relationship and looking for a play partner. It hurt... Realizing it would take him no time whatsoever to bounce back. Thinking about him having meaningless sex or meaningless play with someone. And even though I blocked him, I keep thinking about if he’s reaching out to me- if he’s tried to contact me and he realizes that he’s been blocked. If he’d still want to write me a letter or mail me whatever gift he said he was going to mail that was leftover from Christmas. And if he did write the letter, if he would say anything I’d even want to hear. Or if it would just be more to hurt my feelings.

It’s hard though, especially at night. The times we’d likely talk to each other, it’s hard to not miss him in particular, to want to reach out to him or to just cry myself to sleep. It’s the time of night I’m most chatty with other friends, hoping to distract myself from missing him. Which is why I’ve just unblocked him on my iPad. Just in case.

I think about all the inspirational things I see on Tumblr. The inspirational stories I read on fetlife. I want to be that Goddess, I want to be that strong, confident woman who can move on quickly and easily. Who wouldn’t have let a relationship such as this one drain her dry for as long as this one drained me. My therapist keeps telling me to be very kind to myself, to treat myself gently as though I’m recovering from surgery. Just be very kind. And it’s tough to be. Chester is freaked out, and he’s trying to push me out of this funk with his “tough love” ways, and instead it’s just making me drown even more.

I spent the morning applying for jobs. I think I applied to ten, maybe. Lots of different companies, a few different locations. Two in Virginia, oddly enough. Part of me wonders (and is ashamed to wonder) if I’m considering positions in Virginia because of Devin. Because ultimately, regardless of where I find a job, even if it’s right next door to wherever he’s living, he’s not ready for me. He can’t accept me. He doesn’t know who he is and until he knows that and can accept that, he will not be able to give me the relationship I want.

It’s hard, ending a relationship and not being angry. Not feeling as though he’s the bad guy and he’s at fault. It’s just sad. It’s really fucking SAD. I don’t hate him at all. I love him and miss him and that foolish hopeless romantic part of me still thinks that he and I somehow have a chance. I keep thinking I can change, I can be more patient, I can adapt to wait for him to grow up. I can carry more of the weight of the relationship until he’s ready to shoulder it himself. I think this is the bargaining stage of the grief cycle.

April 12

Devin says he’s going to try to journal every night. Even if he devotes 20 minutes to it, it’s his plan to journal. He’s much more receptive to the relationship when he journals, he’s more receptive to me. When he journals, I feel like he sees me and pays attention to me much more. And I’m sure the same applies to me, to some level.

I saw Jocelyn today. It was a good session... I love how complimentary she is about the way I think about things, the away I process and the way I’m methodical about my relationship with Devin. Right now I’m in a brain fog- I felt really sharp during the session this morning, and earlier today, but right now I feel like I can’t concentrate. I’ve been eating a lot of sugar. Cake, pizza, chips, garlic knots, and I think that might be contributing to the fogginess. It’s helpful for me to write down the things Jocelyn and I talk about as soon afterwards as possible, so that I can refer back, so I’ll try to recall right now.

She shared a podcast with me, about how both people are adults and both people are children and how when one partner is in child mode, the other person has to be in adult mode. And they have to switch off for each other. The structure of the podcast could have been improved, definitely... They were very unclear about how “adult” and “child” were defined at the beginning of the podcast.

Dangit. Shame on me for not remembering that tumblr deletes what I write if I don’t save frequently. And I wrote more, and it was deleted. Grr. 😡

April 17

Today I feel happy. I feel positive, I feel hopeful and really good. I had the job interview with McKesson today and I think it went really well- that helped me a lot with confidence as I’m slogging through these job applications. I’m applying for jobs with renewed energy, it’s really positive.

Things with Devin are also going well, I’m feeling positive there too. We’re having shorter calls during the day, usually when he’s driving to work or driving home. We talk for about 30-40 minutes at the time, unless he’s heading home and we sometimes talk once he’s at home as well.

November 30

Today I feel volatile. The day started out great, most of the day was great, and it just ended on such a sour note.

One of the dogs peed on the hardwood, and it got on the new rug. And I just got home from Amy’s and I’m tired and a little irritable as it is, and seeing that spot and knowing that the rug peeing will likely commence just made me so angry. I feel like I can never get ahead with these dogs, that they do nothing but add money and responsibility and burden. Just really frustrated.

Today was a good day, I had a quick call with David, which was really nice. He’s more real now, and more importantly I’m more real to him. I liked him, I liked his voice and his ability to laugh at himself. He was nice.

The bunny is coming over tomorrow... For a service visit. And I’m just not super enthused about it, I think because of David. I want an emotional connection, and I know I won’t have one with the bunny, so I wonder if a part of my brain/focus just turned off. Or was turned down. I haven’t made any lists or shared notes for him yet. And the idea of spending extended periods of time with him is still nice, I still think he’s super cute and super sweet, but it doesn’t charge me like it did before.

I’m less angry about the dogs. Still frustrated, I don’t know how to get them to fucking stop destroying the house, but less actively angry. Again, I’m already tired and I left Amy’s house feeling a little combative.