Goddessmba - Treat Myself Like A Goddess

Psychology Daily - Quotes

“I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.”

—

April 19

I hate this platform so much.  I lost what I typed YET AGAIN.

Today I feel content.  (Though right now I’m seriously annoyed.)

Things with Devin are going fine.  He left for his camping trip today- I still struggle with the knee-jerk feeling of unease and jealousy about him and Leila, but I’m realizing that the circumstances are such that it would be difficult for me to NOT feel some level of discomfort with the two of them spending time together.  Their friend circle is coupled off, and the two of them end up coupled together.  Devin is secretive about all of his friendships and doesn’t share even times when he goes bowling with Stewart.  Devin has shown in the past that he will deliberately hide things from me to avoid problems.  Devin is able to spend lots of time with her, whereas he’s not able to spend lots of time with me.  I know in my gut that I can trust him, but given our circumstances, Chester can’t.  Which is tricky.

Things with the job are going fine.  I had the interview with McKesson and just got an email about a position with Cigna in El Paso.  It’s good for my ego and my self-confidence, finally receiving interest on positions I’ve applied for.  I’ve received some good advice about adding my interterm experience onto my resumes to stress the HR work I’ve done, so I plan to do that and then use both resumes, depending on which jobs I’m applying for.  (Or, if I can somehow get all of that information onto the resumes without losing any information, I’ll do that.)

Classes are going fine.  I’m not as behind as I initially thought I was, which feels really positive.  I have two papers to work on this weekend (one of them is pretty big) and one persuasive presentation that I want to give some thought to.  I’ve done pretty well in that class so far, B+ on presentations I’ve only given a few hours to (and a B because I was docked for going over on time), so I want to see what would happen if I give something more time and effort.  I think I could maybe pull off an A or something (probably not an A in the class, but an A on the presentation).

Things at home are fine.  They’re not great, still lots to do around the house and I’m not accomplishing as much as I’d like to, but I don’t feel anxious about it.  I think, in the grand scheme of things, the things I have to do won’t actually take as long once I get started on doing them.  These projects that are looming on my to-do list will really only take maybe 30 minutes to an hour once I get started.  The dilemma is just getting started- I’m dragging my feet on getting started because I’m intimidated by the amount of work and time it will take.  And I know that in my head, but it’s tough to still motivate the rest of me to get moving.

All in all, I feel content.  Devin is a bright spot in my life, the job opportunities that are starting to pop up are a bright spot in my life, I’m feeling better.  Just more hopeful.  Which is nice.  I’ve had some really pessimistic, sinking feelings over the past few weeks, so I’m glad I’m rebounding (and now that I think about it, that could be due to Seasonal Affect Disorder as well, huh) and that I’m doing better.

*snort*

Psychology Daily - Quote

March 20

Today I feel scattered. Devin and I texted today. Part of me wishes that we wouldn’t have. It’s a distraction, he’s a distraction. I haven’t done any classwork, I’m unmotivated, I just want to lie in bed, I’m falling into old habits.

I swing back and forth between wildly grieving him and feeling hopeful and being angry with him AND with myself for a million little things. He’s still him, he’s still young and self-absorbed and selective about what he responds to and he doesn’t help to address the things that feed my insecurities. He doesn’t understand those needs. Because he’s not there yet. But I still miss him, I still want him back. Because of what Jocelyn and I talked about a few weeks ago... He makes me happy. Forget the value he provides or his usefulness, he just makes me happy. Being WITH him, spending time with him, makes me happy. The challenge then becomes whether we’d actually be spending time together. Or how often. If he could keep up with that. And I’m not confident he can. Because if he could, I’d want to try to just not talk to him as much when we’re not together. Just let him do his business and I’ll do my business and we’d just be together when we’re together. We’d make each other happy in the way we both can contribute to making each other happy and in the other times we just wouldn’t bother.

I’ve been emailing with McKesson about jobs, I think I have a good contact. I think she’s willing to work with me, or help me get into the company. Which is fantastic. I hate that part of me is thinking that maybe I could work in Richmond during that time, maybe I could make the adjustment to be with Devin for a little while, so me adjusting to be with him instead of him growing to be with me.

Classes are a mess this mod. I didn’t get into the class I wanted (data storytelling) and I’m SO disappointed. My schedule isn’t the schedule I want, which is annoying and frustrating and makes me even more grumpy than I otherwise would have been. Bah. Grump grump grump.