🌻 About Me

chapter 3/8 now available on AO3 <3

→ marvel (mcu/comic), avengers (2012)

→ bucky x steve

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ canon-typical violence

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Bucky’s mind swelled with panic at the implication - Peggy, Monty - people he loved were dead all at once - but he had to take it in stride. He had to. There was no purpose to dwell on it. If he thought about it all too hard, he wouldn't be able to get through it.

What happened, happened.

He'd process it later. He had to accept it.

“Captain Rogers woke up about an hour and a half ago.” Agent Barton shared. If he noticed Bucky's barely buried alarm, he didn't say. “Director Fury handled him. He broke out and ran into Times Square.”

“Sounds like him,” he said, monotone.

“He's in a conference room. Fury's asked me to bring you once you're ready, so he can speak to you both.”

That made him come to mostly full attention. “He's not detained?”

Clint's head cocked to the side. “Neither of you are detained, Sergeant.”

Bucky opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. They didn't know? How could they not know?

Essays for my Destiel Playlist Pt.1

Turning Page - Sleeping At Last

Turning Page is literally my #1 Destiel Anthem. It's a crime to humanity that I haven't seen it respected as such. In this essay, I will argue my points for your consideration.

If you'd like to view my full Destiel playlist, I've tagged it at the end of this post. I add to it frequently and it has a mix of many genres. I'm actually very proud of it.

Turning Page is pining, yearning, learning. It's so effortlessly deep, just like Dean and Cas are.

There is magnitude to everything he says.

Everything he could ever tell Dean about this cosmic thing, because isn't that what it is?

Cosmic love?

Defying the will of God,

fallen from grace for it,

dragged down by it,

death-abating love?

I've waited a hundred years

But I'd wait a million more for you

Never since the dawn of creation had he ever truly felt a thing

He was never meant to, never coded and programmed for it

Nothing would ever come close, he knew

He thought -

Dean Winchester was raised as Castiel was dragged down,

eye for an eye

He had noticed the change in himself,

the doubts he had never dared to even think suddenly clouding his judgement,

things he knew he could only ever confess to Dean

How was he, forever unfeeling, supposed to know that looking into Dean's soul would burn through the lies?

Nothing prepared me for

What the privilege of being yours would do

How could he ever turn back from that?

From this?

This human being that chose other people over himself every chance he had,

that gave up his childhood for his brother

This man that was more than what his father molded him to be, just like he was himself

So he watched him

Noticing intimate details he had never noticed on another person before,

dragging in thoughts he had never had,

these emotions he was never supposed to feel

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch

But what was doubt compared to Dean's hand on his shoulder? Slung over his back?

If I had only seen how you smile when you blush

How could his fear compare?

Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough

How could anything compare to how he felt when Dean smiled?

Under that direct hit of light, so bright he couldn't help but return it,

he made his choice

I would have known what I was living for all along

What I've been living for

So he fell

Your love is my turning page

Where only the sweetest words remain

Into humanity,

Every kiss is a cursive line

Every touch is a redefining phrase

Embracing the earth,

I surrender who I've been for who you are

For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

The light of Heaven was no match for the sunshine in Dean's smile

No match for the individuality of mortality,

No match for the feeling of family,

love that he had never understood or known,

even if the piece he wished he had wasn't meant to be

If I had only felt how it feels to be yours

It was never planned, never written

Out of thousands of drafts, his love for Dean Winchester only existed in one

Well, I would have known what I've been living for all along

What I've been living for

This cosmic thing

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell

When I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well

strong enough to defy the Will of God,

With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas

won't get a happy ending

Like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees

but it will forever be his and only his

chapter 1/4 now available on A03

→ supernatural (tv 2005), pre-series

→ exploration of dean's bisexuality and trauma, over time

the list of canon/actor’s theories/accidentally canon plotlines this mini fic touches on:

→ Jensen’s thought that at some point when John didn't leave his sons enough money, Dean would reach a level of desperation that forces him to sell himself.

→ The theory that John taught Dean how to dig himself out of a grave, due to how he was able to in Lazarus Rising (04x01)

→ The passage in John Winchester's published journal, detailing Dean's first solo case for two dead homosexual nuns and how it didn't go very well.

→ The alternate plotline that was almost canon, where John Winchester went missing because Dean had killed him.

→ When John got too pissed off at Dean, he'd send him away on hunts (14x12)

→ In early seasons, Jensen acted for Dean to sing badly. But in season 15, he sings well with Lee. Backstory? I think yes.

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The double doors slammed open behind them, startling both boys. Dean whirled around in his seat to find Dad marching through, an angry look on his face. He was still scratched up from the recent hunt he'd done, claw marks scraped over his forehead, through his beard. He still hasn't shaved it, but Dean wanted him to. It was getting hard for him to look at. He never liked seeing his dad injured from a hunt, or injuring himself.

Six years, they had done this. Living on the road. Brief stays at Uncle Bobby’s. Living on diner food, vending machines, stolen credit cards; living in motel rooms, no home to their name.

Dean straightened up in the wooden chair. “Are we heading out?” he asked.

“You’re staying here.” Dad scooped up a duffel bag and was gone, the screen door rattling in the frame as he threw it shut behind him.

chapter 8/8 now available on Ao3

→ marvel (mcu/comic), project insight

→ bucky x steve

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ gore, canon-typical violence, the final battle

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The dome of thick, should-be Hulk-proof metal landed so hard it cut into the concrete of the helipad, sealing Captain America away.

“Start it up, JARVIS!” Tony ordered over the comm, silent from the outside of his suit. Bucky stepped out from behind his hiding spot and watched, unsurprised by the echoing bangs and clangs of Steve trying to fight his way out from the inside. Tony backed up while he could, glancing over at Bucky to give him a thumbs up.

“Here's hoping,” he said through the comm.

The metal bent around Steve's fist, warping the capsule. Then, moments later, the edge of the shield made an indent. Another two attempts and the edge ripped through, showing a flash of red paint.

Fingers poked through the open seam.

Bucky didn't hesitate to move, effectively placing himself between Captain America and Tony. Steve yelled as he ripped the capsule apart, and Bucky heard the clumsy clangs of Tony's suit as he backed further away.

Athena: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?

Odysseus: We're chopsticks!

Athena: Well... that's cute!

Telemachus: Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly?

Penelope: No, it means that if you take one away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

WHO IS USING THIS

AN APP??? THEY HAVE A FUNCTIONING WEBSITE

THE LAST FUNCTIONING WEBSITE

kudos to jorge for continually making the release of the ithaca saga an immersive experience by going to ithaca itself, missing the ferry, getting caught in a storm, and having the livestream delayed. can’t wait to see everyone in ten years for the final album!

That Captain America Healing Factor is all well and good until someone on the team has to pin Steve down and re-break his arm because they didn’t splint it in time and it healed wrong. Until they have to dig a knife into his face and pull out glass fragments that his skin healed over in five minutes flat. Until he has to have surgery wide awake because no anaesthetic works and the only other option is a leather belt between his teeth and useless platitudes like its going to be okay Steve, I promise, it’ll be over soon.

What isn't there to love about the idea of MCU Bucky becoming Captain America?

It's the right thing to do, isn't it? He was the one who watched him fall. (He tried to catch him but he only caught his tags. The bitter cold tore him away in the blink of an eye, with a scream that Bucky hears when he tries to sleep.) Steve was the best of them both, and if he thought this cause was one to die for, then Bucky would finish it. He's followed him this far, hasn't he? Long enough for the bruises Zola gave him to fade, but not enough that hearing his voice in that train wouldn't make him freeze. (What if he finds him? What if he go back there, strapped down, poked and prodded and injected with God knows what -)

But besides that?

There's nothing.

He's known Steve almost his entire life. He barely remembers a time where there wasn't Steve. He once had him to himself, only he saw the goodness in him, he loved him first, but now he shared it with the world. Because of some holy serum; but the bastardized version of the same thing ran in his own veins, and Bucky knew deep down that he would never be Steve. He could try, but he could never be him to the world.

So why wouldn't he crash that plane?

He never wanted to be a weapon. But he wakes up, and it's asked of him again. Be a soldier. Be an officer. Be Captain America. His gun was an extension of himself, the shield of Steve, and he would never, ever drop either of them. (Not again. He dreamt of it, that scream still scratched into his brain no matter how much time had actually passed, seventy years or seven days.)

And then, one day, beyond his wildest dreams, he'd see him again. But this? This hollow ghost? This isn't the Steve he knows and loves. But he slips from his fingers again,

And on that helicarrier, the glass cracks beneath his feet, bullet wounds and serrated skin and black bruises, but he still has it in him - he catches him. Metal fingers that were foreign to him, but still, Steve.

Never again. Never without him.

thinking about the moment bucky says “let’s hear it for captain america!” and he looks so damn proud and then his face drops so damn fast, because fuck, he doesn’t get to be selfish anymore. doesn’t get to keep steve’s irrevocable goodness all to himself. and he knew this day would come, but he’s furious because it took a goddamn serum for someone to give a shit enough to look. and he wants to burn the world down, because they don’t deserve steve even if they need him, but bucky’s goddamn selfish, because he’s known. he’s known just what steve rogers could do since the moment he fell for the back of his head at 7 years old.