Essays For My Destiel Playlist Pt.1

chapter 7/8 now available on Ao3

→ marvel (mcu/comic), iron man 3

→ bucky x steve

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ gore, canon-typical violence, iron man 3 plot

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“I’ve never fought a super soldier.” Killian grinned. “This’ll be -”

Bucky uppercut him hard enough to snap his neck. Stepping back from the crumbled body that was now glowing even more, he called out, “Potts, we gotta go!”

Pepper ran out of the open doorway, taking Bucky’s outstretched hand. “Where?” she gasped partway down the hallway.

“First thing’s first,” he ordered, “get to the car!”

thinking about the moment bucky says “let’s hear it for captain america!” and he looks so damn proud and then his face drops so damn fast, because fuck, he doesn’t get to be selfish anymore. doesn’t get to keep steve’s irrevocable goodness all to himself. and he knew this day would come, but he’s furious because it took a goddamn serum for someone to give a shit enough to look. and he wants to burn the world down, because they don’t deserve steve even if they need him, but bucky’s goddamn selfish, because he’s known. he’s known just what steve rogers could do since the moment he fell for the back of his head at 7 years old.

chapter 6/8 now available on A03

→ marvel (mcu/comic), post-avengers 2012

→ bucky x steve

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ canon-typical violence, bucky makes friends in the 21st century

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At first he felt like he was back in Basic; running miles every day on the beach, using new muscles to manage the unsteady terrain; getting knocked on his ass by Agent Barton with hand-to-hand, which Sergeant Barnes - plucked straight out of World War II - had a minimal understanding of beyond his boxing history. Tony was more than eager to get in the ring with Bucky - a literal ring, Bucky had found out once Tony showed him the at home gym - wearing boxing gloves overtop their wrapped knuckles.

When he couldn't sleep and needed to move, he found himself back in the gym. He was training nearly every day every week, but he couldn't put more than average strength on anyone unless Tony was in his suit. And unfortunately, after Tony's metal leg went straight through the ceiling, Bucky was grounded while the ceiling was knocked out and the bedroom above the gym was erased from existence. But at night? He could hammer the punching bags until they split and he was drenched in sweat, gasping for breath.

oh theyre about to have the best sex imaginable i bet

filtering down ao3 results from 14000 to 6 based on a single tag is foul. im sorry none of you are as enlightened as me ig.

if you'd prefer to view on AO3 🌒

"hello. and welcome to staying awake."

→ marvel (mcu), moon knight (tv series)

→ character study of the introductions of steven grant and marc spector

→ content warnings: psychological horror, moon knight canon mental health

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❛ 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐖𝐄 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐒𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐏,

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐃𝐎 𝐖𝐄 𝐆𝐎? ❜

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"Hello, and welcome to staying awake. Let's start with try to solve a puzzle. Solving puzzles is a great way to keep your mind awake."

The bags under Steven's eyes weighed tons, marring his features with the bruises of crescent moons.

How much longer can I go on like this? It seemed like he asked himself that every night, memorizing the torn edge of the tape in case his other self tore it off and tried to replace it, securing the lock around his ankle.

"Bored of a puzzle? Try a book. Reading can keep your mind alert and focused. Imagine being in the story you're reading. Is there an exciting chapter you'd like to be a part of?"

He hated this. He hated this life, its limits - what did he do to deserve this? He's lived a good life. He called his mum every day to let her know he was okay. Didn't he deserve happiness? Allowed to be a tour guide in the museum, get enough money so he could fly his mum out so she could visit, maybe even find a girl. But there'd be no chance of that until playing this tape and the cuff around his ankle weren't necessary.

"Just remember, you'll need about five hours to keep your natural self."

His natural self. What even was that anymore? The gaps in his memory were expansive and endless, the dried blood under his fingernails continuously shocked him, the voices and the moving shadows haunted him.

Anymore, he just lived in a house of horrors.

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❛ 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐄𝐁𝐓 𝐈 𝐎𝐖𝐄

𝐆𝐎𝐓𝐓𝐀 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐘 𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐋 ❜

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Steven wrung his hands as the storage unit employee led him through the halls. He wasn't sure what was waiting ahead of him, what this "Marc" was hiding from him or if he was even truly part of him. He wasn't sure what was happened, why he'd woken up in that little village and left with blood on his hands, but whoever this Marc was...he was dangerous. He knew that much.

More than anything, he wanted to separate himself from him. Or make sure Marc couldn't take over again and ruin both their lives or kill anyone else. Figured if he was going to be living like this for the rest of his life, sleep deprived and alone, the least he could do was keep others safe.

Stepping inside the unit and the door closing behind him, it looked more like an...apartment, more than anything else. A hidden stomping ground, so to speak. A cot in the corner with a dented pillow, a little standing rig to hang some clothes, stacked military grad storage cases. The sickening yellow-green lights reflected off the walls, and he saw himself staring back, eyes falling on the duffel bag sitting on the case beside the cot.

Naturally, curiosity got the best of him. Wasn't that part of the whole reason why he was there?

His feet slowly carried him across the metal floor, the texture and pattern of it seemingly stabbing through the soles of his shoes. He leaned over as he kneeled down, flicking the strap from overtop the zipper before undoing the zipper itself. Lifting the top, his lungs pushed out the air. "Oh, my god." Carefully picking the handgun up by the handle, he moved it to the side to riffle through the bag. Different currencies were stacked in it, but finally - finally - he found something more interesting than scary. A passport. "Marc Spector," he read, finding a photo of himself staring back. The sight made him think, for just a moment, why didn't he - Steven - have a passport?

Dropping it back down, he reached deeper. His fingertips touched cool metal, and wrapping them around the object he pulled out the scarab. An amazed breath left him as the wings unfolded and the beetle rose from the dock plate, floating in the air and seemingly leading him away.

"I'd say you're a compass," he murmured to himself, studying the direction it was pointed, as he turned with it and rose back to his feet. "but you're not pointing north."

"Steven." That voice was it. The one he's been hearing. It was his own, but not - the accent was entirely different, unsettling so in some way. But he looked away from the scarab, his gaze falling on the reflection in front of him - the version of him that stared back stood differently than he was now, his stature bold and strong instead of tired and drooping. "I need you to listen to me very carefully."

"Marc? There he is, here he comes." He raised his arm in a small wave, immediately hating himself even more. "Hello, man in the mirror. I was wondering if you'd pop up again."

"I know you're scared." He sounded so calm, but so tense at the same time. Tension was just evident in him - the lines around his eyes, the angle of his jaw.

Now that's an understatement. What the hell was slipped into his drink? "A bit, yeah."

"I know you're confused. You weren't supposed to see," he gestured to the entirety of the storage space, as if that summed it up entirely, "any of this."

"No? Well, a bit late for that, innit? So-so what?" His body trembled, as if in time with his voice, nerves and jitters getting the best of him. "Am I, like, meant to be some sort of mad secret agent or something?"

"Yeah, it's a little more complicated than that."

"More complicated? What, am I possessed? Are you l-l-like a demon or -?" Was that why that timeless deep voice had been in his head? The worm, the parasite, that was himself?

"You're in danger, and I can save us. Just like I did last night. But I can't have you interfering in what I have left to do. So this is what's gonna happen." He pointed back behind Steven. "You're gonna go lay down on that cot back there. You're gonna take a nice nap -"

Oh, for goodness sakes. "Are you joking? Sleep - I'm never gonna go to sleep again, you hear me? Look, I don't care how bloody handsome you are. Tell me what it is you are. What are you?"

"You sure you wanna know?

"Yes, bloody - yes!"

"I serve Khonshu. I'm his Avatar. Which means you are, too. Sort of." When Steven was silent, he added, "We protect the vulnerable and deliver Khonshu's justice to those that hurt them."

"Khonshu?"

"Yeah."

"The Egyptian god of the moon?" Marc just nodded, and Steven pulled away from the elastic pulling him closer to the reflective wall. "Oh my god, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I eat one piece of steak and, bam, I go bonkers." He dropped down onto the cot, anxiety hooking its nails in his back. A fist wrapped around his lungs, knives scraping at his ribs. He pressed his hand to his chest, rocking forward. "Oh, god. I'm having a panic attack."

"I made a deal with Khonshu."

Stop. "I need to go to the hospital, I think."

"That deal is contingent on you not interfering, Steven." Steven glanced down at the gun resting beside him, finding Marc staring back, insanity sharp in his eyes. "Now give me the body. You let me finish this and you'll never hear from me again."

"You want my body? Right, yeah. Marc, how about this for a deal?" He pushed himself up, despite the hurricane in his legs. He quickly started to throw everything back in the duffle bag. "I'm gonna take this bag full of illegal shit, yeah? And I'm gonna go straight to the authorities. They're gonna put me away, so I don't hurt anyone else. And hopefully they fill me with enough pills so that you get out of my head!"

The door slammed shut, his hands pressed against it as if he could lock Marc behind it, silence suddenly surrounding him. The only light on in the hall being the sickly yellow spotlight above him. His heart hammered in his chest like a drum, and he took a deep breath and slowly released it to try and convince it to slow. But no - a light thudded on down the hall, catching his jumpy attention.

But nothing was there.

It shuttered off. Then, after a few moments, on again. Then off, on, off, on, off, thundering like a heartbeat. On again, a figure suddenly illuminated, startling him a step backward. Then off, then on, and it was gone.

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❛ 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐖𝐄 𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐓𝐇𝐄

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔'𝐃 𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 ❜

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Marc's chest practically cracked open, as the engraved linen wraps pulled away from him, unwinding and disappearing, the will of Khonshu momentarily vanishing from his body. As soon as he was able to, he reached into his pockets, searching for the scarab. Instantly, as he came up empty handed, panic swept through him, that crack in his chest splintering further. "Where is it?" he whispered under his breath, hands patting at all his pockets. "Where is it? Shit. SHIT!" The dread knocked him to his knees, pulling him down like an anchor to the wooden platform beneath him.

"So this is what it's like?" Oh, god. Marc looked over his shoulder, knowing already what he would find. Steven stared back at him, face shattered into pieces in the broken glass. "Being in the inside."

"...Yeah."

"It's horrible," he breathed.

This wasn't meant for him. "It's alright. You're alright."

"I feel like I can scarcely move."

"It's alright. Breathe through it. It gets easier." No, it doesn't.

"How long you been doing this?"

He turned back around, head dropping between his shoulders. "I don't know, it's - a long time."

"I don't like it."

"Long time."

"I don't want it." Marc pushed himself up to his feet, as Steven asked, "Can I have my body back?"

"I can't do that right now, Steven."

"Please." Marc closed his eyes for a moment, unable to convince himself to respond. This was gutting, the knife practically twisting in his gut. None of this was okay. "I'm taking it back." Steve groaned with the strain, and Marc finally convinced himself to turn back to the glass.

"Sorry. We've always managed to keep a walk between us, but something's changed. The one who controls the body has become stronger." He reasoned, "The reflections help, but most of the time it'll take all your willpower just to be a fly on the wall."

"You can't do this, keeping me trapped in here, you have no right. My whole life..." Marc shook his head, but Steven went on. "I can't go in a bloody date. I can barely keep a goldfish alive. I lost my job." The stage of grief shifted, turning head-first into denial and blame. "It's been you, it's always been you - eating away at parts of my life like a parasite."

No. He wasn't going to linger on that, he wasn't going to let it sink in to that bad place where he locked all those other things away - "Look. When I am done, when I have repaid my debt - I swear to you, you will never see me or hear from me again. I promise you." Nobody is more okay with that than I am. "We wouldn't be alive if it weren't for Khonshu. And my... servitude is the price that I pay."

"...What kind of servitude?

"The kind that leaves me covered in blood."

"Yeah, well, that blood is on my hands." He turned away, shaking his head, doing his best to shove the words out even as they came in. "You ruin people's lives." Steven can't be saying these things to him. "Everything you touch, you ruin." Steven was the one good thing. "You hurt people. You abandoned your wife, you left her stranded -"

Now that was it. Marc spun around, anger lighting up in his chest. "I did not. I am protecting her. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you did, I saw!"

"Khonshu has his eyes on her. He wants her as my replacement. I'm never gonna let that happen." Over my dead body.

"You're a liar! I don't believe you, I don't trust anything you say, you hurt people!"

"I'm never letting him near her!" But he'd never let me die -

"I won't let you hurt anyone again!"

"Just shut up!" God, why can't I die?

"I will never -"

"Steven, shut up."

"- give you a moment of -"

"Just shut up!" 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 -

" - peace, I promise -"

"SHUT UP!" The glass screamed beneath the sole of his shoe, crunching over and over again, less graceful than that of fresh fallen snow in Chicago. Steve wasn't ever supposed to say those things - he was the only good - he was never supposed to see any of this - protect your brother - how dare he?

How dare Marc hit him, like their mother?

The anger subsided to a tired simmer, and Marc stumbled back, the fight dripping away. Steven - Steven, who was never supposed to feel that pain, looked at him in fear, eyes shining, shoulders hunched.

No, no, I couldn't have done that.

The wind howled in his ears, eerie whistles sounding as it hooked over the sharp edges of the shattered glass. The chairs in the amphitheater fell over from the strong gust, and Marc was silent.

He was here.

"You swore he would not interfere."

Following the voice, Marc turned his gaze up to his left. Khonshu, in all his horrible glory, stood at the top of the church. "I know. I'll handle it." He had to handle it, he would. He'd get this done, Layla would stay safe, Steven wouldn't have to see these horrors that were never meant for him.

"You have proven you cannot."

"I will."

"Ungrateful, Marc." The voice was closer now, and Marc turned to look up behind him, following the god as he came closer. "altering the terms of our agreement? You were nothing more than a corpse when I found you. You think you own this body?" The god laughed, eerie and ominous and promising so many worse things for him. But still, Marc turned, meeting that empty gaze with his own. "It belongs to me."

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❛ 𝐂𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐍'𝐓 𝐒𝐀𝐘 𝐍𝐎

𝐍𝐎, 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐍'𝐓 𝐒𝐀𝐘 𝐍𝐎 ❜

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Ok so. "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" Was fucking heartbreaking, right; we have the full-on uninterrupted eye contact, the head tilt, Dean's already open mouth twitching before the scene cuts to Cas' "I love you," like he had more to say, but Cas beats him to the punch. It's great, we love that. But for the dialogue to be sequenced that way, and to have Dean reply with, "don't do this, Cas."

I'm only just realizing how fucking insane it was. And sure, I might just be coping here, at the end of the day who fucking knows, but look at it. Think about it. Now let yourself feel it all over again.

It's Dean's death knocking on the door behind Cas, and it's Cas' death emerging behind Dean. Like this, they're directly facing their own demise—but they're too stuck on each other, in their moment, to give a damn. And then Dean doesn't say, "I love you too." He says, "don't do this."

He isn't disgusted or ashamed or put off in the slightest by Cas' confession, because if he is then why is he on the verge of tears? In what world would it make sense for him to want to cry after his best friend confessed to him, if the confession was something he did not want. He says don't do this here, don't do this to me now.

Even if, and that's the most unlikely if to ever exist, Dean did not reciprocate Cas' feelings—don't do this is still so fucking powerful. Because Dean's connected the dots, happiness [...] is in just saying it, and Cas said it, so where does that lead Dean? That's right, with Cas dead again, trying to save him again.

Don't do this. Don't die for me, don't love me only to die for me, don't love me at all, just stay with me.

Don't let me watch you die again and not even let me follow you—because, at the very least, that was a consolation. She's gonna kill you, which Dean knows that Billie knows will hurt him more than his own death, and then she's gonna kill me.

"Don't do this," was actually so fucking powerful, I don't know how it slipped past me until now...

the russos have committed so many sins but i might just forgive them if they have bucky in this wig for doomsday

And just like that.. I’m back on my Bucky Barnes bullshit.

Odysseus after ten years of suffering, picking up Poseidon’s trident: Traumatize them back :)

Poseidon: Hey… Buddy… can we talk about this?

Odysseus: No :)