Odysseus After Ten Years Of Suffering, Picking Up Poseidon’s Trident: Traumatize Them Back :)

santa saw you reading all that gay porn

chapter 3/8 now available on AO3 <3

→ marvel (mcu/comic), avengers (2012)

→ bucky x steve

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ canon-typical violence

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Bucky’s mind swelled with panic at the implication - Peggy, Monty - people he loved were dead all at once - but he had to take it in stride. He had to. There was no purpose to dwell on it. If he thought about it all too hard, he wouldn't be able to get through it.

What happened, happened.

He'd process it later. He had to accept it.

“Captain Rogers woke up about an hour and a half ago.” Agent Barton shared. If he noticed Bucky's barely buried alarm, he didn't say. “Director Fury handled him. He broke out and ran into Times Square.”

“Sounds like him,” he said, monotone.

“He's in a conference room. Fury's asked me to bring you once you're ready, so he can speak to you both.”

That made him come to mostly full attention. “He's not detained?”

Clint's head cocked to the side. “Neither of you are detained, Sergeant.”

Bucky opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. They didn't know? How could they not know?

chapter 1/4 now available on A03

→ supernatural (tv 2005), pre-series

→ exploration of dean's bisexuality and trauma, over time

the list of canon/actor’s theories/accidentally canon plotlines this mini fic touches on:

→ Jensen’s thought that at some point when John didn't leave his sons enough money, Dean would reach a level of desperation that forces him to sell himself.

→ The theory that John taught Dean how to dig himself out of a grave, due to how he was able to in Lazarus Rising (04x01)

→ The passage in John Winchester's published journal, detailing Dean's first solo case for two dead homosexual nuns and how it didn't go very well.

→ The alternate plotline that was almost canon, where John Winchester went missing because Dean had killed him.

→ When John got too pissed off at Dean, he'd send him away on hunts (14x12)

→ In early seasons, Jensen acted for Dean to sing badly. But in season 15, he sings well with Lee. Backstory? I think yes.

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The double doors slammed open behind them, startling both boys. Dean whirled around in his seat to find Dad marching through, an angry look on his face. He was still scratched up from the recent hunt he'd done, claw marks scraped over his forehead, through his beard. He still hasn't shaved it, but Dean wanted him to. It was getting hard for him to look at. He never liked seeing his dad injured from a hunt, or injuring himself.

Six years, they had done this. Living on the road. Brief stays at Uncle Bobby’s. Living on diner food, vending machines, stolen credit cards; living in motel rooms, no home to their name.

Dean straightened up in the wooden chair. “Are we heading out?” he asked.

“You’re staying here.” Dad scooped up a duffel bag and was gone, the screen door rattling in the frame as he threw it shut behind him.

Essays for my Destiel Playlist Pt.1

Turning Page - Sleeping At Last

Turning Page is literally my #1 Destiel Anthem. It's a crime to humanity that I haven't seen it respected as such. In this essay, I will argue my points for your consideration.

If you'd like to view my full Destiel playlist, I've tagged it at the end of this post. I add to it frequently and it has a mix of many genres. I'm actually very proud of it.

Turning Page is pining, yearning, learning. It's so effortlessly deep, just like Dean and Cas are.

There is magnitude to everything he says.

Everything he could ever tell Dean about this cosmic thing, because isn't that what it is?

Cosmic love?

Defying the will of God,

fallen from grace for it,

dragged down by it,

death-abating love?

I've waited a hundred years

But I'd wait a million more for you

Never since the dawn of creation had he ever truly felt a thing

He was never meant to, never coded and programmed for it

Nothing would ever come close, he knew

He thought -

Dean Winchester was raised as Castiel was dragged down,

eye for an eye

He had noticed the change in himself,

the doubts he had never dared to even think suddenly clouding his judgement,

things he knew he could only ever confess to Dean

How was he, forever unfeeling, supposed to know that looking into Dean's soul would burn through the lies?

Nothing prepared me for

What the privilege of being yours would do

How could he ever turn back from that?

From this?

This human being that chose other people over himself every chance he had,

that gave up his childhood for his brother

This man that was more than what his father molded him to be, just like he was himself

So he watched him

Noticing intimate details he had never noticed on another person before,

dragging in thoughts he had never had,

these emotions he was never supposed to feel

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch

But what was doubt compared to Dean's hand on his shoulder? Slung over his back?

If I had only seen how you smile when you blush

How could his fear compare?

Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough

How could anything compare to how he felt when Dean smiled?

Under that direct hit of light, so bright he couldn't help but return it,

he made his choice

I would have known what I was living for all along

What I've been living for

So he fell

Your love is my turning page

Where only the sweetest words remain

Into humanity,

Every kiss is a cursive line

Every touch is a redefining phrase

Embracing the earth,

I surrender who I've been for who you are

For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

The light of Heaven was no match for the sunshine in Dean's smile

No match for the individuality of mortality,

No match for the feeling of family,

love that he had never understood or known,

even if the piece he wished he had wasn't meant to be

If I had only felt how it feels to be yours

It was never planned, never written

Out of thousands of drafts, his love for Dean Winchester only existed in one

Well, I would have known what I've been living for all along

What I've been living for

This cosmic thing

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell

When I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well

strong enough to defy the Will of God,

With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas

won't get a happy ending

Like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees

but it will forever be his and only his

filtering down ao3 results from 14000 to 6 based on a single tag is foul. im sorry none of you are as enlightened as me ig.

steve not taking care of himself in ways that are basically self harm but no one knows because of his healing factor

he'll ignore wounds on purpose and that would get most people infected, but he heals faster than the baseline human and is immune to disease so no one bats an eye when he skips medical again

he drinks enough high proof liquor to give the baseline human alcohol poisoning ten times over but no one thinks he has a drinking problem because they think he can't get drunk, but it's not that he can't get drunk, his body just processes alcohol more efficiently

he's in the gym too much but everyone brushes it off because of course cap is a gym rat, he's an avenger so of course he has to train, he has to keep up with the job somehow, no he's not over-exerting himself, he'll be fine, he's a supersoldier.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

WHO IS USING THIS

AN APP??? THEY HAVE A FUNCTIONING WEBSITE

THE LAST FUNCTIONING WEBSITE

That Captain America Healing Factor is all well and good until someone on the team has to pin Steve down and re-break his arm because they didn’t splint it in time and it healed wrong. Until they have to dig a knife into his face and pull out glass fragments that his skin healed over in five minutes flat. Until he has to have surgery wide awake because no anaesthetic works and the only other option is a leather belt between his teeth and useless platitudes like its going to be okay Steve, I promise, it’ll be over soon.

chapter 6/8 now available on A03

→ marvel (mcu/comic), post-avengers 2012

→ bucky x steve

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ canon-typical violence, bucky makes friends in the 21st century

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At first he felt like he was back in Basic; running miles every day on the beach, using new muscles to manage the unsteady terrain; getting knocked on his ass by Agent Barton with hand-to-hand, which Sergeant Barnes - plucked straight out of World War II - had a minimal understanding of beyond his boxing history. Tony was more than eager to get in the ring with Bucky - a literal ring, Bucky had found out once Tony showed him the at home gym - wearing boxing gloves overtop their wrapped knuckles.

When he couldn't sleep and needed to move, he found himself back in the gym. He was training nearly every day every week, but he couldn't put more than average strength on anyone unless Tony was in his suit. And unfortunately, after Tony's metal leg went straight through the ceiling, Bucky was grounded while the ceiling was knocked out and the bedroom above the gym was erased from existence. But at night? He could hammer the punching bags until they split and he was drenched in sweat, gasping for breath.

chapter 5/8 now available on AO3 <3

→ marvel (mcu/comic), post-avengers 2012

→ bucky x steve, bucky x peggy

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ gore, canon-typical violence, bucky makes friends in the 21st century

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He eventually found himself in front of his own memorial wall. An entire wall, painted with collaged portraits of himself, even displaying a few pictures and a lit-up video, dedicated just to him. Best friends from childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield - excelled as an athlete and in the classroom - became an officer straight out of Basic - isolation, deprivation, torture - Captain America’s best friend - Peggy Carter’s lost love - was given a version of the serum due to experimentation - kept his super soldier abilities a secret until the final battle, to take down the Red Skull once and for all - died tragically alongside his best friend as they saved New York City from Hydra’s bombs.

He stayed in front of that wall even longer to watch all the videos on loop. He and the Howlies from the reels that were recorded right after Azzano, displaying Captain America’s heroism before they went right back out to fight Hydra; an exhibition of his sharpshooting skills; a video of he and Steve, where Steve wasn't smiling but he was looking at him while he was awkwardly laughing, where he looked like himself -

“You alright, man?”

Bucky glanced to the side to find a man looking at him. His shoulders tightened when he realized he was being addressed - he was supposed to be dead, why did he come here -

“Hey - I'm sorry. You got that thousand yard stare. I counsel veterans down at the VA. I look at a face like that every day, I-I just -”

“It's okay,” he interrupted, speaking softly so his voice didn't sound like one in any recordings.

The man looked back up at the gigantic portrait looming in front of them. It was Bucky in the iconic blue coat, gun in hand as he stood in the snow. The corner of his mouth threatened to turn up, Bucky noticed the twitch, but the man pursed his lips to force it back down. “You bear a mighty resemblance. Must be related or something, right?”