I Want To Get My Shit Together So Badly

mannn

everyone around me brags about going through a pod in a week or less and I’m over here hitting it when I can and I don’t make a single dent in it at all, wtf man. Like yea I can make it last but by the time I do make a dent it’s pretty burnt.

Literacy journal #1

what kind of reading and writing and speaking activities did you do after school? for church? for play? did you keep a diary? write plays or stories? write letters? frequent chat rooms online? write fanfiction?

growing up i struggled with reading assignments for school, mostly with reading out loud. however outside of school I was reading nonstop, I was reading above what my teachers thought I could. now when I ask my mom about it, she said that what we were reading in class was boring to me and that is why I never wanted to read the assigned books. 

it wasn't until our 3rd grade class was taken to the library that I started to be more confident in reading at school, I was in there every day before classes and during lunch. the librarian introduced me to the world of harry potter, warrior cats, and maximum ride. I loved to read so much that I had teachers telling me to stop reading during classes.

this love for reading continued into my middle school life, I became fast friends with the librarian at that school and was in there inbetween classes while also eating lunch in there- which we weren't allowed to do without special permission from the librarian. I read every book in the 6-7th grade section, then while my mom worked after school in the nurses office across the school, I got permission to read in that schools library while waiting for her to finish work. I was able to read the books in the 8th grade area that I wasn't able to read in my schools library.

one of my favorite things that happened was in 7th grade, I had history class first block. before that class I would ask my teacher if I could run to drop off my library books and get new ones, as the library was right across the hall and he could see me actively talking to the librarian. this is how he knew I wasn't just trying to skip class. then the next day I would ask him again, it got to the point that he told me that it would be ok for me to miss morning announcements to stay in the library a little longer. and near the end of the year he gave me my very own pass to the library and said that I wouldn't need to ask anymore, but his only rule was that I had to tell him about the books and if I would recommend them.

I think that this experience as well as my parents saying that they would get me any book I wanted as long as I continued to read. books became a way to escape the world around me, as a child with high anxiety and awkwardness. I made friends by reading and found a community that I wasn't afraid to express myself in. to this day I continue to read, although I have expanded my genres. 

“You look like you’re about to cry.”

No I just wanna k1ll myself.

Your fifth most recent emoji is what your soulmate thinks about you

update found out that it wasn’t just breaking my fast that fucked up my stomach, but also the norovirus so that was a great experience.

I’m doing better now, however my sister accidentally caught it from me so now she’s sick. I took a little bit of a break from posting so that I could recover as all I could do was drink water, sleep, drink more water, vomit, drink even more water then sleep for 10 hours and sleep be exhausted when I get up.

I will say it was nice to sleep so much as I have reallllly bad insomnia and rarely get to sleep more than 2-3 hours. Most of the time I might be able to get 3 hours of sleep but it’s with periods of wakefulness. I feel like every 10 minutes of sleep I get I can’t sleep for 20-30 minutes, I’ve been off of melatonin for a while now just to give my body a break from it as in high school I was taking waay more then the recommended amount for someone of my height and weight.

Yall I broke my fast/ diet restriction and I regret it soo much. Not just because of my weight loss goals, but mainly because everything that I had( which wasn’t much) fucked with my stomach so badly

feeling unwanted ruins my whole fucking day

Thanks for hanging out with me! Was I cool? did you like me? What do you think of me in detail? Do you hate me?

When you grow up in an abusive home, you don’t become a people pleaser to please people. You become a people pleaser to keep the potential for more abuse away.

I feel this way a lot, especially as someone who never thought I was gonna live to be 18. But it’s crazy to me realizing that I was 13 and 14 when I really thought that way, honestly I still do feel that way. And the only thing keeping me going on in this shitty country is that it would cause a whole lotta problems for my family if I did die, especially this far along in my life.

sometimes the feeling of wanting to unalive myself are super strong, other times it sneaks up on me- especially when someone says something that might not seem so big to them, but actually really hurts me, happens and next thing I now I’m suddenly super quiet and thinking that they would be a lot happier if I wasn’t in the picture-.

sometimes i just get hit with the feeling

i wasnt supposed to make it this far

also what do i do now

"You need to relax"

Best I can do is dissociate