Closest I Could Get To Myself.

I lowkey wanna drop out of college.

The money I get for being there isn’t worth it when you aren’t even interested in the major or the classes. It’s not even worth it for the one friend that I have anymore.

I didn’t even want to go to college to begin with.

The only reason I started was because my parents kept telling me to do it for the money.

I don’t even know what I want to do in life because I was so convinced that I was gonna die before I turned 18. Well… now I’m 18, stuck in a place where I have no want to improve because my misery has become my identity.

I guess the saying is true that money really can’t buy happiness…

Fuck Gyaru vs Jirai discourse I want a cute Gyaru at my door in 10 seconds and if that doesn’t happen I’m gonna throw a fit.

Slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am physically incapable of doing anything anymore.

I physically am struggling to do so much as wake up and do simple mundane tasks like brushing my teeth, doing my hair and taking a fucking shower.

I’m debating on just saying fuck it and stop putting effort into my college work. It’s not like I’m going to pass anyways because no matter how hard I fucking try and push myself, I’m met with the same dead end results. I didn’t even want to go to college anyways. I’m only sticking around for the money, and I’m not sure if it’s even worth losing my sanity for.

What happened to me? I used to be such a good person and so happy and optimistic… if there even was a point that I was like that. Now I can’t even bother mustering up the energy to do so much as text someone or do something that I like, which is ironic because I’m the most self indulgent person I know.

Idk just… let me rest.. maybe for a million years and pray that no one will be alive by then so that I don’t have anymore responsibilities or worries to put up with… I’m so fucking tired.

I don’t have the biggest following ever BUT I have been getting a lot more attention recently..

Fuck it. Gonna take a shot in the dark and see what happens.

Feel free to ask me any of these :3

Nosy Anons (Jirai Kei Edition)

Reblog this post to let your lovely anons ask you any of these questions!

1: When did you first learn about Jirai Kei? 2: What is you Jirai Kei Unpopular Opinion? 3: What type of music do you like? 4: Do you have any Jirai Kei-esque or general characters you relate to/like? 5: What other styles beside Jirai Kei are you interested in? 6: If you could make an ita bag for any character, who would it be and why? 7: Bright Pastels or Dark Pastels? 8: What is Jirai Kei to you? 9: What made you decide to identify as a lifestyle Jirai Kei? 10: Do you use any creative outlets (drawing, writing, etc) to express yourself? 11: Did you have an emo phase and what was it like? 12: Are you apart of the LGBTQ community (if you're comfortable sharing)? 13: What healthy coping mechanisms do you use? 14: Favorite anime? 15: Favorite game? 16: Are you in a relationship or crushing on anyone? 17: Are you okay with fashion only jirai kei? 18: What are your favorite childhood tv shows and games? 19: Who would be on your "hear me out" cake? 20: What is your funniest memory on the internet? 21: Favorite old internet meme? 22: When was the first time you were on the interenet? 23: Favorite fanfiction or fiction tropes? 24: What is your biggest Jirai Kei pet peeve? 25: Jirai Kei culture is... 26: Who is your biggest inspiration/someone you admire? 27: Favorite media platform? 28: If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, which song would you pick? 29: What is a random fact about yourself? 30: What are two truths and a lie about yourself?

I’m looking back at videos trying to explain Jirai Kei and not gonna lie, if I wasn’t a hideous, camera-shy freak, I’d go all out and make my own Jirai Kei essay.

The way that these people talk about Jirai Kei doesn’t feel like it does them justice since they’re into it from a fashion perspective. And I don’t wanna be that person, but if you’re into it purely for the fashion, you might as well call it girly kei since that’s what its fashion aspect of it basically took inspiration from, if not directly took it from (and if you’re a subcul Jirai, emo fashion in Harajuku is a primary visual inspiration).

Jirai isn’t just some edgy term used by Jirais to look cool and like some sort of anime menhera archetype. It was an actual insult used by people(usually men) in Japan to describe girls who are basically ticking time bombs. This is just Jirais reclaiming the term the same way Emos had reclaimed their name(Emo was an insult in the early 2000s).

I call myself Jirai because I understand this as someone who was often called overdramatic and too emotional, and feel a sense of power from it. Yes, I’m not Japanese, but there’s a reason that some Japanese subcultures have terms for participants outside of Japan(Ex. Gaijin Gyaru). It doesn’t have to be exclusive.

In conclusion, to quote a Reddit that I found, “I don’t think people(especially fashion Jirais) understand the implications of being called a Jirai.

I got my DearMyLove clothes just now!!!

Unfortunately the shirt was a little small but I have a theory that if I lose my big back and my chubby arms that it’ll fit better.

The skirt on the other hand fit perfectly.

There’s also some hair accessories I got which are in the right photo.

I have some shoes that might go with it but they’re heels so I’m not sure if it’s worth it.

Anywho I’m still happy it even came.

I guess now I have some motivation to lose all this extra weight I gained.

Me fighting off my intrusive thoughts be like:

Starting to suspect that I have allergies.

Save me.

Gotta love it when you try to cheer yourself up only to feel worse by proxy of being an insecure bitch.

I’m watching food shows to get rid of my boredom but I just feel guilty because I feel like I ate too much..(I literally just had dinner)

I’m counting my calories atm and it feels like one too much for just being afternoon. Last time I checked I did lose some weight but it just wasn’t enough for me. I need to lose like 200+ pounds more.

I want so desperately to be able to fit into size L clothes like I used to but I have the self control of a literal toddler. I’m hella scared for when my DearMyLove buys get here because what if I wasted my moment just for it to be ill-fitting?

They say to be proud of who you are but I hate being plus size so damn much.😒

I really hate how I just can’t have a consistent goal or dream in my life.

As a kid I dreamed of being a veterinarian because I loved animals but eventually gave up on that because I lost that spark to actually care for them.

I mean it’s normal for that to happen but the thing is that I can barely take care of myself so I don’t trust myself enough to care for another living thing.

I had dreams in middle school to be a webcomic artist but I also lost the spark for it since I struggled to even pick up a pencil sometimes and often had art block.

Now currently I dream of being some form of popular/famous and find that Vtubers tend to be a hot topic on the internet so I’m like “Why not?”

But then I realized I’m nowhere near fucking stable to be a good streamer and would probably make my audience hella uncomfortable and not wanna watch my stuff. Plus I know I would get tired of fame very fast.

All in all I just want to be loved.

I want to be known and seen for what I am, but I know that’ll never be possible because I’m genuinely such a mess that I scare people and make them lose hope in me, and that’s not even exaggerating. My parents have said to me on quite a few occasions that they don’t know what to do with me anymore.

Idk maybe for all I know it could just be a case of me being young and aimless, but I won’t deny it’s the most frustrating shit ever.