Gotta Love It When You Try To Cheer Yourself Up Only To Feel Worse By Proxy Of Being An Insecure Bitch.

I gotta love how I am the epitemy of a weeb(Loves Japanese fashion, music, anime, etc.) but I have the most 2000s, Avril Lavigne obsessed, Snooki from Jersey Shore wannabe room with juicy couture bags stowed away in my closet.

Don’t get me wrong I love it but I think it’s really funny for someone who hates living in the US, I sure do love romanticizing the 2000s as if that wasn’t one of the worst times to be a woman of prominence.

Dating me is like playing needy streamer overload except without the internet fame and control over how mentally well/unwell I get and there no cute transformation sequence or humor or anything attractive about me and I’m really just a loser kid rotting in my room while you watch my descent into madness as I post silly things on the internet.

Hey so sorry about my week or so absence.

The truth is that I was in a mental state of absolute limbo. I was so depressed and generally low energy that I lost a lot of motivation to do literally anything.

I stopped talking to people, barely went out or payed attention in classes, and kinda abandoned the blog as a product of my growing apathy towards… well everything.

Although I do feel better now(somewhat), I do feel very guilty. Not only will I probably fail most of my classes, but I feel like I’m just driving a wedge in all of my relationships to where I feel like I don’t have any connection or attachment to them anymore.

But hey. At least I got my monster energy. 🤷‍♀️

Fuck Gyaru vs Jirai discourse I want a cute Gyaru at my door in 10 seconds and if that doesn’t happen I’m gonna throw a fit.

Ok so I remember talking about this with some moots of mine and I figured I’d talk about it here.

Does anyone else fucking hate seeing couples and get extremely disgusted by them, but not in the sense that you’re romance repulsed(Tho I am aegoromantic and semi-romance repulsed), but because you have this burning envy towards them because they have a sense of connection that you desperately want and would do anything to experience?

I get grossed out by couples doing pda shit but I know that subconsciously I really want it, but I feel like I will never be able to get it because of me being aegoromantic and also very distrusting of other people, even my family and friends to an extent.

I’m probably the last person who should be in a relationship. I’m explosive, struggle to communicate my feelings, and am extremely obsessive to the point that I would go nights crying over someone I cared about.

My obsessive tendencies know no bounds.

Oh and need I forget about how black and white my thinking is? I genuinely can’t see people as anything other than completely good or completely bad so I’ll go hot and cold on a person if I like them but they do something I don’t like. Like I’ll love them one day and hate them the next.

Idk I have a problem, but case in point is that I feel like love and romance are too inaccessible to me because of who I am, so I’m just left with a gross pit in my chest every time I see a couple being all cutesy and shit.

It’s excruciating.

Fr the West(especially America) is just a bunch of shitty traffic jams and dick measuring contests with guns.

We could use the same passion and energy and optimism that idols are known for here.

Anywho I too wanna wish good luck to any up and coming overseas idols! I’ll support y’all anyday!

I really love idols!!!

I wish the West had a type of idol culture. I want to cheer on girls to achieve their dreams!

Jirai idols, I will support you with all my heart!!!!

Most Stereotypical: Have severe mental illness, partake in destructive habits and generally am a ticking time bomb, explosive outbursts and everything. I’m also very chronically online.

Least Stereotypical: I don’t do drugs and never really go out and do anything fun. I don’t party or go to clubs or anything like that. I also don’t really dress in girly kei type fashion(even though I’d love to).

|||||||||. so fellow jiraizz im curious to know. 🖤 what is the most stereotypical jirai thing about yourself vs the least stereotypical jirai thing about yourself? 👀 (plz plz pleaseeee interact n answer or ill cry forever)

ill start 🤍.

most stereotypical ◇ i have everything in reach of my bed because i really just stay on my bed 99% of the time and am definitely super chronically online.

least stereotypical ◆ tbh i dont want to be famous and worshipped by like simps and weebs online tbh. the attention can be nice but i hate normies too much. i only really want attention from people who i think could actually understand me. basically fellow jirais 🖤.

(btw i use stereotypical here without any negative connotations moreso like neutral/for fun positive.)

÷.

Holy crap this is actually my body type?!

I was incredibly insecure literally this entire day but seeing this made me feel a little better about myself. ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

My first post on Tumblr! This is my latest doll sculpt, I have yet to name her~

WARNING: SUI TALK

I just realized I’m genuinely so fucking lonely and have no actual safe space.

I keep getting ignored or dismissed by people who supposedly care about me. People online who I talk to dismiss my cries for help. All my family and friends either are busy with their lives or are just as bad in a place as me, if not worse. If it’s not that it’s a language barrier barring me from communicating my feelings to them.

Politics have ruined my ability to trust other people because I never know whether they’ll actually like me for who I am or not. Hell because of stupid politics, I might end up losing my only true safe space on the internet.

I swear I might as well just kill myself and see if y’all will pay attention to me then. I don’t care if that’s what the enemy wants. I’m better off at least making them happy with my death because at least I can bring someone joy, since I’m such a detestable mistake who gives people tinnitus just by talking.

I’m such a royal fuck up you don’t even understand.

But hey, I’m just being over dramatic, right? I’m just overreacting and being too negative!

It’s all in my fucking head after all.

I am not me. I am an amalgamation of my interests, mental illness, and my kins all in one.

(credits to someone on pin!)