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Salim: I raised a man with a softer heart than the world deserves.

Salim, raising his stake: fortunately for him, my mother cannot say the same

friend referred to Jason as Male Wife Two-One Actual the other day and I still haven't recovered

Eric: The Middle East is on the brink of war-

Salim: Brink???

Jason: ow! son of a bi-

Salim pointing to Zain: Jason! children!

Jason: … iscuit. son of a biscuit.

Nick: nice save.

Jason: yeah. fucking nailed it.

Jason: You can’t make everyone like you. You’re not Salim.

Nick: Not everybody likes Salim.

Jason: Who doesn’t?

Nick: What?

Jason: Names, now. Give me their names.

the year is 2003

Salim: [trying to bond with his boyfriend] hey Jason! i got us tickets for this new underground band, i think they're called Michael- Michael Romance?

Jason:

Jason: YOU GOT US TICKETS TO FUCKING MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE?!?

Jason: OK I’M GIVING YOU TEN SECONDS TO TELL ME WHO ATE MY OREOS BEFORE I START WREAKING HAVOC ON YOUR ASSES

Eric: i saw Salim go into the cabi…

Salim: Eric please don’t do this

Eric: cabinet and grab the pack

Salim: why would you do this to me

Jason: oh Salim it was you? do you want another pack babe?

Nick, holding a deck of cards: Who wants a tarot reading!?

Eric: Those are Pokemon cards

Nick, holding a card: You got a Squirtle, it means fuck you

Jason, laughing:

Eric: Jason, this is my life.

Jason, still laughing: I know, it just sucks!

Jason: Let's play twenty questions

Salim: Sure, what's your favorite color?

Jason: Circle. Are you into guys?