Latest Posts by crispenis - Page 2

GUYS I JUST WOKE UP FROM A DREAM TO TELL YOU VERY INPORTANT DISCOVERY: SO THE HUMAN BODY HAS A HOLLOW TUBE FROM MOUTH TO BUTTHOLE SO THAT MEANS WE ARE ALL JUST WEIRDLY SHAPED DONUTS!!

People suck

Remember when ooh kill'em was a thing

yeah so i slept with this dude last night and idk we were chatting a bit  during the sexy time and for some reason his birthday came up and i was like “wait 25th of september? DUDE me TOO, wtf thats such a coincidence” and he was like “really? we have the same birthday? are u fuckin with me?” and i just looked down at his penis literally inside my vagina and was like “well technically yeah” and he was like haha nice one and high fived me

richard nixon campaign buttons

Rachael ray doesn’t consider cooking time into her “30 minute meals” and that’s absolute f***ing bullsh*it. she pulls out a crockpot of shredded barbecue chicken that was prepped and slow-cooked 4 hours ago and nonchalantly says, “now that that step is done…” no it isn’t? that’s NOT a 30 minute meal. that’s a 4 hour and 30 minute meal. you’re a liar, a phony, and a fake. Fuck You Rachael Ray

story time.

Jimmy took some time to write out his weekly thank you notes!

When kids ask you about the future.

Me

💋 The signs flirting 💋

Uses their lamest possible pickup line and still manages to pull it off like a pro:

Aries, Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius

Attempts something cute, stumbles over their own words and tries to fade out into the background:

Cancer, Pisces, Virgo

Studies pickup lines like a fricking exam for three weeks and fucks it up at the final hurdle. Spends the next month simmering with rage:

Taurus, Scorpio, Capricorn

Escaped the womb knowing this shit by heart. The messiah is here:

LIBRA

We’ve started rolling out a small, huge improvement to Tumblr. 

The small part is that we’re rearranging reblog comments so that they’re actually readable. The huge part is that we’re rearranging reblog comments so that they’re actually readable.

This has been a long time coming, and you might be startled at how suddenly easy it is to understand what’s going on. That’s alright. Relax your eyes, let them adjust, and enjoy the readability of it all.

Should be out to everyone by tomorrow afternoon. Love ya, Tumblr.

Watch: Bob Ross once painted only in gray for a colorblind fan … and it was incredible.

but seriously when did we all start saying “yo”

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE LIFESAVER MINTS HAVE A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE IF IT GETS CAUGHT IN YOUR THROAT YOU CAN STILL BREATHE.

The Magnus Effect - When a small amount of spin is added to a dropped object, the object moves forward

I think we’re all forgetting the most intense episode of TV ever.

No matter how many time Kate Hudson walks around in a battlefield, I’m not going to download Game Of War

Lets be honest…this has happened before👏😏

“All girls dress the same” Facebook | Pinterest | Twitter

An actual exchange I just heard outside my window

child 1: I really like screaming

child 2: yeah me too

child 1: let’s screamAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

child 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

both children: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA