It Was A Present From My Sister. I Can Never Forget What My First Bracelet Looked Like. Green, Black
it was a present from my sister. I can never forget what my first bracelet looked like. green, black and yellow zigzags, all glued together to make the string seem almost, unreal. I never took it off. I loved the feeling of wearing something and never taking it off. I guess that's why people didn't notice when I started wearing more and more bracelets, and 4 years later, my reasoning for wearing it became more of a fashion statement, but a cover up. some days, I 2oild feel brave enough to take them off, just to see if anyone would notice. they looked, they acknowledged, but they never said a word to me. not even an "are you okay?" but just an endless nightmare of stares. God, life was so much simpler before she gave me that bracelet. that one bracelet isolated me, and built a mental barrier between me and happiness. unachievable unless I was willng to pay a price. sometimes just one, sometimes 100.
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I knew it was too good to be true. I just knew i couldnt be happy for long.
I just feel like ill always be stuck. Stuck in the middle of a goodbye. Never feeling that pain, but never feeling that closure. Never feeling the certainty that somethings gone and is never coming back. I will always be frozen in this one time frame. Never wanting less, never having more. Im just stuck.
Is this what happiness feels like? Its been so long, i cant quite remember...
My sleeve rolled up, but only for a second. I didnt even notice my fresh scars were showing. Suddenly i feel my sleeve being pulled up. Its my "friend". She doesnt know i cut. Only 1 person knows. I just said it was my sisters cat. She didnt buy it. Other people start to join in, asking what really happened. Ive beeen keeping this secret for 2 years, and ill be damned if they find out now.
Eventually, they gave up on asking. That night, i cut a little too deep. A little too far down. My thighs were already covered in blood, so i moved on to my upper arms, so it could be covered with a tshirt. It started rolling up again and the next day, i felt that same terror as someone tried pulling up my sleeve without warning. I couldnt think. I was in a group of about 10 people, and i had a total breakdown. I blacked out, but luckily, my one friend was in that group and told everyone to just leave me alone. Thats why i love her so much. I know she'll always have my back, even though we havent talked about it in a year.
It's infuriating how I have all these demons in my head no one else can understand.
Facts.
This morning, I was so proud of myself. My scars had fully healed. Now, i can still feel the sting of my fresh wounds, and i cant help but wonder, "why does this make me feel so damn good?"
- i tried to stop, but it just made me worse
You know, ive always wanted to talk about what happened, but he kept avoiding it. So, i went on with my life. I found my own twisted version of closure and i got better every day. I moved on, and i knew i would be fine alone. It was like we had never even happened, and i learned to be okay with that. But then my friend joked that i was a heartbreaker and i replied that everyone else breaks my heart. Just normal sarcasm. We didnt mean anything about it. Then he overheard and looked at me. Id never seeen him so sincere. "It was all my fault." Ina ll the time id known him, i have never sene him look so serious. So sorry. Id finally moved on. Id finally gotten over the pain he left me with. I had finally forgiven him. Or maybe i just like to think i did, because here i am once again, my thoughts being consumed with nothing but him
I wanna be with someone who understands my scars. Someone who wont try to change them, but understands why. I need someone whos equally or more fucked up than me.
Update, I found him
but everything comes with a price...
I found him but I cant have him. I'm to broken right now. I wanna be fixed and have the strength to say "I used to cut" and not "I still cut"
I wanna be with someone who understands my scars. Someone who wont try to change them, but understands why. I need someone whos equally or more fucked up than me.
Ive memorized every part of you. I can remember how your hair feels in my hand. I remember how perfect your teeth are when you smile. I can recall perfectly how your lips felt on mine. I can visualize your perfect face. I can still hear your laugh. I can feel your breath as you whisper in my ear. I remember your hands, and how they fit perfectly in mine. I can remember how close you hug, and how your hand slides down my back. I can remember every single thing about you so clearly. I remember every single thing you made me feel. Whenever i remember this, it makes me want you again. Thats what i'm sure about. So i guess my question is; Why arent you sure after all thats happened between us? Do you remember every detail of me? Do you think about me as much as i think of you?
