Update, I Found Him

I gave him a piece of me i know ill never get back...

Why the fuck do you only notice my cuts now?

Where were you 2 years ago? You only notice now because ive given up on trying to hide it. All 4 of my limbs are covered in cuts, so i guess it was only just a matter of time... if only my fucking teacher hadnt made me take off my hoodie, you still wouldnt know or care.

Im in one of the worst places mentally that I've ever been in. I don't understand what I did wrong. Why did he stop answering my texts and leave me on read for days??? Why only now after only a week hit me up again and think I'll just come back to you? I probably will but that's not the point. If I just disappeared... Would you even notice? You wouldnt care... I know, because I've been gone for months and you haven't even noticed. It's all too much for me... Fuck.

I'm remembering shit I dont want to, and I'm feeling shit I dont want to.

I feel like im being shaped and molded into what you want. You're chipping away pieces of me, and im letting you.

- it would feel nice to belong somewhere

I've never felt like this... fuck I miss him.

Were keeping distance because were both not ready.

my scars haven't even healed, and i don't think they're going to heal anytime soon.

Hes not ready to be open and trust me

My mind is a constant battle, and even when we were "together", I couldn't mentally handle it.

I'm really not ready, and neither is he, and it fucking sucks because I think he's the one.

ik its only been a short time, but I think I love him.

but it doesnt matter. he's gonna move on soon, but I never will.

this is so inspiring. I want to be like this. I want to say I went a full year without sh.

I want my scars to be almost gone, but not completely.

I want to be happy and depression and anxiety free,

I want to be ready for the rest of my life.

It's been 1 year...

1 year without self harming

1 year since the break up that I thought would kill me

1 year since moving to a new city all alone

1 year since starting therapy for my PTSD from csa

1 year since changing my antidepressants

1 year since starting medical school

1 year since life broke me ...and I climbed out of the rubble stronger

I still think we were meant to be, just not forever.

-My midnight thoughts.

I said it would be fine. That i was okay just being your friend... until you told me that you love her and that you would wait for her. You once said that to me, and now you dont even think about what we once had, because to you, that was nothing. I knew i was just your rebound, but i just wanted to know what it was like. I was in it for the rush, that high you get. But little did i know there would be such a dark fall after. Were good. Weve both moved on. But, still i go back to us holding hands in the movie theatre, telling me you love me. Well, not really. You went back to her a few weeks later. Youre chasing someone who doesnt love you, and im chasing you, who doesnt love me. What made me this messed up that i dont look at the people who love me but only think about the one who doesnt? Because whats not healthy for you always has the best high, and once youve had a taste, youre hooked.

"You and i were meant to be, but only in a memory"

- Lauren Duski -Deja Vu

I thought you were the one for me...