I Love God. That's All I Had To Say :)

I have a mouse plushie, y'know, the Mouse Wants a Cookie plush, hanging over my bed. I wrapped yarn around its neck, stitched it through its throat, and bound its arms behind his back, then tied him to the top of my window to hang over my bed as a sign of my hatred and wrath. I was 15 when I did this. I had a mental breakdown and thank God I didn't give in to the devil's whispers to kill myself and take my mom with me. I had struggled with suicidal thoughts before, around 7 to 8 years old, and my relationship with, honestly everyone, especially my mom did not help. I felt very misunderstood, weird, wrong, unwanted, and like I was a mistake, something not deserving of the title human because I lacked something, that something in question nobody would tell me about. I prayed only when I was asking to die, I cried at night, had episodes of depression, had spent a year or so forcing myself to never cry and denying myself the right to feel sad, bottled up all my emotions and confusion for my whole life, never had an outlet, and my only coping mechanism was to watch funny videos on youtube.

That was me. Not even a full year ago.

Ever since I accepted Jesus into my life and just surrendered it all to him, I've never had that rage since. I haven't cried at night, or had depressive episodes, or suicidal thoughts, and I would never want any harm to befall my mom. I feel like if I have feelings of sadness or anger, I can take it to God. I no longer feel inhuman and wrong, but valid and loved. My coping mechanism still inckudes funny videos, but also to pray and ask God for help.

God has protected and saved me in an unfathomable way, and I can testify that He works. I'm not a Christian because I was raised in the church. My whole life until a few months ago, I had never touched a bible, never fasted, never truly prayed, and didn't even care to believe, hoping I could be some magical exception. My parents took us to church, but never explained God's goodness, so we were blind to him, seeing him only as a religous figure we follow by tradition. I can testify to you because my faith is my own, and I am this way only because I have seen Him with my own eyes. Literally. I saw Him. I spoke to Him. I touched Him. I heard Him. Even after literally speaking to God, I didn't give myself to him. It took a year or so for that. I felt a pang one day in my soul that if I were to die that day, I would certaintly go to hell. It was like a punch to the stomach of loneliness. I knew what it was and it couldn't be mistaken for anything else. I was far from God and my soul was lonely for its creator. I had already been blessed in all that I did as a child, but afterward, I saw all his miracles in my life and noticed the good hand that feeds me. I am fullfilled and only in Christ do I feel content. I tried everything. I tried friends, family, social media, new looks, experimenting with my sexuality and orientation, self indulgance, and nothing worked. They were all temporary and made me feel worse in the longrun. Only in Jesus have I found peace even in a storm.

So try Him out! He works miracles, I promise.

It's ok to say I don't know

I don't know. I don't know a lot of things and that's ok. Some things are meant to stay unknown and that is fine. I don't know why God let's people suffer. I could say it strengthens you. I could say it's part of a bigger plan that will do wonders for you or someone else down the line. I could say it's to show you a reality you were blind to prior. I could say He was testing you. But I don't know. There could be a number of reasons, but I don't know. Nobody knows. And we don't need to. We don't need to know why children die of cancer. We don't need to know why there is so much sickness. We don't need to know why there are drouts or floods, hunger or starvation. We just need to know one thing:

That God knows

And that's called faith

I just read Judges 19 through 20 and I am...shocked and apalled.

Here's a summary:

A Levite's concubine cheats on him and dips for her dad's house for 4 months. Missing his wife, he went to get her and win her back. He got her, left, and stopped at Gideah for a break and to sleep for the night. An old man took them in but then a gang of gay rapists came in hopes of raping the Levite man. The old man refuses and offers his virgin daughter as well as the Levite's wife instead. The gang doesn't listen and the Levite gives up the wife anyway in his place. The gang rapes and beats her from night to daybreak before finally letting her go. She goes back to the old man's house in attempt to return to her master/husband but dies on the doorstep. The man sees this in the morning, takes her home, cuts her limb by limb into 12 pieces, and scatters her around Israel. The Israelites were appalled and angered and so they went to war with the Benjaminites, killing tens of thousands of Israelites, cutting off an entire tribe, and cursing the survivors to never marry any Israelite again. The Israelites then made peace with the survivors, practically kidnapped hundreds of women from a different tribe, offered them up as wives to them without their or their parent's consent to offset the curse that no man shall give a wife to the Benjaminites, and went on with the world.

This sounds bad. Every sentence sounds horrible. I had to double take everytime I read a single sentence. But I did get something out of this:

One sin, even if directed at one person, a seemingly nobody, can snowball into a catastrophe of unfortunate events. Sin has a price, a very big one. And sometimes, it's not only the evil doer who pays for it. God will make everything turn out for the greater, but that doesn't mean we'll like the process. At all. I'd suggest we cut off sin from our lives...

Soo I just discovered this thing called artfight. AND I WANT IN SO BAD. But I'm a stupid loser and I'm too wimp to actually try it out cuz communities scare me and I feel like I won't actually be interacting with people and instead sit in my sad corner by my sad self the whole event.

That and when I made myself an account, I misspelled my username without realizing and now I have no idea what my username actually is and therfore can't login to my account nor participate.

And they have a contact to fix this kind of issue but, again, I am a little loser baby who's too embarrassed to ask for help.

I hate myself.

OK FINE AFTER SOME THOUGHT AND REALIZING IT'S IN ONE WEEK I DECIDED TO ASK FOR HELP AND JOIN. I REGRET MY BIRTH

UPDATE, I WAS JUST BEING DUMB. TURNS OUT I NEVER ACTUALLY FINISHED THE REGISTER CUZ I HAD A SPACE IN MY NAME. I JUST SIGNED IN AND I CAN JOIN NOW.

I JUST REALIZED I HAVE 6 DAYS TO CREATE GOOD LOOKING CHARACTER SHEETS FOR ALL MY CHARACTERS AND IM FREAKIN OUT.

Christians will be persecuted. Always. But I just want to point out, that what used to be, and in some places still are, persecution, is different than the kind of persecution others will face. Crucification, execution, torture and death now turn into sarcastic jabs, angry yelling and hateful glares. Both are pretty scary, but think of what used to be the punishment compared to now. I am so guilty of this, as I am very shy and outspoken. I plan my entire conversation before even initiating it when I simply want to ask for a pencil. I count the amount of sniffles I have to make and panic at 5 because I feel like I'm disturbing people. I hate attention, I really do, especially bad attention. So I avoid talking about faith in public because of this unspoken rule in society that says religon is a forbidden topic. Let's all just be glad we aren't in a hydrolic press and that all we'll get is side glances

I just went to sweet frogs and on the way and my family was discussing politics and how America may or may not survive these 4 years long enough to fix it back up. It had gotten me pretty down cuz it looked pretty grim when this happened:

Mom: Don't be so down, at least you're still here.

Me: Yeah, but for how long?

Mom: As long as Jesus says so.

The moment she said that, I felt so much better. I had forgotten who was in control. But knowing nothing can happen unless God let's it happen makes me feel sooo much better.

God works :)

Who do you think you are?

A liar, a cheat, a weakling, a coward? Selfish, crude, stupid, dishonest? Unwanted, weird, wrong or a mistake?

Or maybe you think you're a godsend. A triple threat, a jewel, a diamond. Smart, genius, charismatic, good?

Truth is, it doesn't matter. Cuz you've messed up before at one point or another. You're a sinner.

And so am I.

But even then, our sin is no match for God.

Following God can be tiring. It won't always be cupcakes and rainbows. Don't get me wrong, there will be trials and tribulations, prayers you have to wait for, hurt that will feel like healing is impossible for, wickedness that will sometimes prevail, and blessings that don't always seem like blessings. But that isn't what I'm talking about when I say it's tiring. When everything is good. When everything is going your way. When everything seems to be in your favor. Praising God is hard. In fact, sometimes it can be harder than if it wasn't. You feel dry in your faith, thanking Him for the same blessing everyday like some kind of routine. You're tempted to go have fun doing anything other than spending time with him. You forget the goodness in his blessings and only see repetetiveness. Following God is hard. But keep going. He hasn't given up on you and He never will. God will never leave nor forsake you. Love you, bye ♡

Ok wait am I stupid?

Ok so I just had a dumb question pop into my mind out of nowhere. I randomly just figured this out and I NEED someone to explain to me.

So, Dazai met chuuya when they were 15, which is why it's called the 15 manga and ark. So, if they were 15 back then and they're 22 now, doing subtraction, it's been 7 years since they met, right? Ok that adds up, because they always mention how their partnership has gone on for said many years. HOWEVER, Dazai left the port mafia 4 years ago and was in hiding the whole time. Subtract 4 from 7 and, correct me if I'm being dumb, but that leaves 3. They've been partners for 3 years. Not 7. Not 6. But 3. Have I been lied to or am I overthinking this? I NEED ANSWERS PLEASE

For the first time ever, I went out and spreaded the gospel. I was so scared at first, thinking I'd be hated and judged, but God gave me strength to deny myself and do it anyway. I actually went to mic up, a roblox game to do it. I was inspired by Vtuber Celestium's video from a while back (love her vids). She has been a huge light to me, and she pushed me into a form of sharing God I feel comfortable starting out with. One day, I pray to be able to do it in person well also, but for now, baby steps. I've been asking God for boldness for so long, and today, he delivered me. I spoke to many people, all respectful and civil (except the trolls), and I gained a few friends along the way! Share God in even the least likely of places!