I have a mouse plushie, y'know, the Mouse Wants a Cookie plush, hanging over my bed. I wrapped yarn around its neck, stitched it through its throat, and bound its arms behind his back, then tied him to the top of my window to hang over my bed as a sign of my hatred and wrath. I was 15 when I did this. I had a mental breakdown and thank God I didn't give in to the devil's whispers to kill myself and take my mom with me. I had struggled with suicidal thoughts before, around 7 to 8 years old, and my relationship with, honestly everyone, especially my mom did not help. I felt very misunderstood, weird, wrong, unwanted, and like I was a mistake, something not deserving of the title human because I lacked something, that something in question nobody would tell me about. I prayed only when I was asking to die, I cried at night, had episodes of depression, had spent a year or so forcing myself to never cry and denying myself the right to feel sad, bottled up all my emotions and confusion for my whole life, never had an outlet, and my only coping mechanism was to watch funny videos on youtube.
That was me. Not even a full year ago.
Ever since I accepted Jesus into my life and just surrendered it all to him, I've never had that rage since. I haven't cried at night, or had depressive episodes, or suicidal thoughts, and I would never want any harm to befall my mom. I feel like if I have feelings of sadness or anger, I can take it to God. I no longer feel inhuman and wrong, but valid and loved. My coping mechanism still inckudes funny videos, but also to pray and ask God for help.
God has protected and saved me in an unfathomable way, and I can testify that He works. I'm not a Christian because I was raised in the church. My whole life until a few months ago, I had never touched a bible, never fasted, never truly prayed, and didn't even care to believe, hoping I could be some magical exception. My parents took us to church, but never explained God's goodness, so we were blind to him, seeing him only as a religous figure we follow by tradition. I can testify to you because my faith is my own, and I am this way only because I have seen Him with my own eyes. Literally. I saw Him. I spoke to Him. I touched Him. I heard Him. Even after literally speaking to God, I didn't give myself to him. It took a year or so for that. I felt a pang one day in my soul that if I were to die that day, I would certaintly go to hell. It was like a punch to the stomach of loneliness. I knew what it was and it couldn't be mistaken for anything else. I was far from God and my soul was lonely for its creator. I had already been blessed in all that I did as a child, but afterward, I saw all his miracles in my life and noticed the good hand that feeds me. I am fullfilled and only in Christ do I feel content. I tried everything. I tried friends, family, social media, new looks, experimenting with my sexuality and orientation, self indulgance, and nothing worked. They were all temporary and made me feel worse in the longrun. Only in Jesus have I found peace even in a storm.
So try Him out! He works miracles, I promise.
Here's how I know God is good:
I had to take the ACT today and everything just seemed to go wrong. I woke up with bad period cramps, so I was obviously going to get my period during the test, I forgot my ID at home and was going to be late, my parents got into another arguement and at this point I can't tell if they'll divorce or not, and even though I ate, I felt starving by the time I arrived. But it worked out even when I was freaking out. I was protected because I was able to recognize my period coming this morning, I got to school on time and apparently didn't even need my ID because my teacher happened to be nearby to identify me anyway, and I was hungry but my stomach didn't rumble at all during the test and I had a snack during break. My prayers were all answered and my needs taken care of. I'm not even going to worry about my parents because if God wants to work it out, he will do so and I believe it.
From this I just want to say:
THANK YOU JESUS, LOVE YOU
Just click on it for better quality
If you're wondering why it looks a bit ummmm different in each part, it's cuz I drew them quite the time away. It took maybe a month gap to do the second one? But yeah, Chuuya's turn has been served. According to the poll, Ranpo should ne next. Also, no clue why the quality went down on tumbler, but I don't know how to fix it sooooo :/
I used to pray almost every week to God to kill me in my sleep. I used to get on my hands and knees on the top of my staircase and beg for death. I was maybe around 8 at the time. I wasn't even in middle school. Everyday I'd ake up and feel dissapointed. I'd lay in my bed a bit more cuz I didn't want to get up and llive another day. Can you imagine a child so young begging you to kill them? Can you imagine your child asking that? I used to go my life wanting to die everyday because I was depressed. I was bored. I was scared. I honestly didn't even want to die; I just didn't want to live. But now, I've changed. I don't wish for death but I'm not as scared as I used to be. I mean, I'm not inviting death to knock on my doors, but I have this thirst to be done with this life. I'm bored but only because I know this life pales in comparrison to what comes after. I'm bored because I just want nothing more than to run and hug Jesus physically and directly, in his face, say thank you over and over and over again. I can't imagine what he must've felt as his child, such a young one too, begged him to take her life only because she was too coward to do it herself. Also, I didn't mention that those were the only times I talked to God at all back then. God truly changed me. That isn't all, it truly isn't! I also have had this....situation where everyone around me felt different. At first I felt like the only normal person and everyone else was an NPC, but then I started to realize the only reason they looked like NPCs to me was because they all had some invisible thing or trait in common. I still to this day have no clue what it is, but It was something like this fundemental rule to being human. But I didn't have it. I had the body of a human, the brain of a human, the intelligence of a human...for the most part, but this thing, this thing I lacked. I copied different people constantly to try and figure out what it was but all I gained was an identity crisis. I panicked and cried for a while because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I always knew the people around me were different in a way I couldn't relate, but it all came together, or rather, fell apart when someone very close to me verbally told me something was wrong with me...multiple times. I've been speculated before that I could be on the spectrum. At first I was thought to have ADHD, both kinds. Then I was suspected to have Autism as well as sensory issues. I asked to be tested but still, it isn't really worth the time, money, and effort to others, so I am still unsure. Honestly I hoped this was the case because I'd finally have a reason as to why I'm this way and so that it'd prove nothing was wrong with me. Now, I still struggle a bit with this one simply because I truly want to just know myself. I have someone who understands me. In fact, He made me. And he doesn't make mistakes. I am no misfunction. There is nothing wrong with me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and only in christ did I figure that out. He is the only confromation I need. God changes people in ways you never would've guessed.
So like, hold up, am I tripping or am I having a fever dream. I never understand what's going on but I maybe maybe not caught onto something in the newest chapter. When Fyoder was stabby stabbyed by the guard dude, his blood got on him and he got weird. And idk if I'm just stupid, but that reminded me of Kyouka's parents immediently. There was a dude who came in and when their blood got on the parents, they also got weird. I don't think it's the same cuz I don't trust myself and also cuz it doesn't explain how Fyoder kept his former appearance. Clearly he's different cuz he used to have a scar on his cheek when Sigma saw his memories but now that scar is gone. Also, he died in the memory, so, like...whaaat? So, I ain't too sure how he got another body identical to himself. Also, that reminds me of dead apple when his ability took form differently than the others. Perhaps he wasn't entirely lying to sigma about his ability. Unlike eveyone else's ability, none of them were really sentient. They just attack blankly, meanwhile, Fyoder's ability can talk and think like he was a person. It also wasn't attacking him. This makes me think multiple things that I'm too dumb to really get into.
#bsd #Fyoder #bungou stray dogs #ch 114 #chapter 114
Guess who snuck into my English EOC released test today?
Guys. God made frogs. HE IMAGINED THESE CREATURES UP.
Like let me just rant and give a list of some creatures God made and I love Him for it
• Frogs:
CUTE LIL JUMP PUPPIES! THEY SO GOOFY AND DERPY AND THEY GO RIBBIT AND SOMETIMES THEY SCREECH
• Bunnies
Come on, iconic. ICONIC. Famous for being cute!!
• CATS
YES. LIL TOE BEANED, BIPOLAR, SLEEP MACHINES
• Dolphins
So cool, but also so weird. Insane behaviour; God, I have questions
• Sheep
BAHHHHH! Perhaps His second favorite creation! Us being first of course!
• Fish
There are SO many species! He thought up EVERY SINGLE ONE!! THAT'S A LOT OF FISH
• Ferrets
LONG NOODLES
• Dogs
Did He make them to literally be man's best friend? Did Adam have a dog? Either way, I LOVE THEM
• Parrots
TALKING FLIPPIN ANIMALS THAT CAN FLY
• Mosquitos
May I inquire why? I'm not questioning your choices, God, but I'm so curious. Very curious indeed (especially to why you made them like me so much)
• Leaches
REALLY CURIOUS NOW
• Ants
So smol and so strong, but also really smart
• Venus fly trap
YES. COOLEST PLANT EVER. MY FAVORITE CARNIVOROUS PLANT! LOOKS PRETTY AND AWSOME AND EATS BUGS! SUPER COOL DESIGN, GOD!
• Whales
SO BIG! SO COOL! I LOVE!
• Jellyfish
Where's the everything they need to live?! God, you've done it again!
• Humans
Gotta be His favorite creation! So smart and complicated! Yet unfortunately, so dumb and simple too. If only we stuck too the intended parts of us.
Once I met God, I had a question I just really wanted answered. What is God's favorite color? People first think blue, cuz the sky and sea. Then they think green cuz the land and foliage. But a lot of people say purple because it's for royalty and some people say purple because God told them. I just REALLY want to know! But if it is purple, I wonder why there is so little of it on Earth. You think he likes a specific shade?
Dazai Chronicles Episode 3 guys
Idk, I just felt that it was funny. He wouldn't react this way but it'd be funny if he did lol
Me waking up this morning litterally bound to my bed b3cause of crippiling neck cramps and stiffness, resulting in ugly sobs, desperate screams, and frantic praying. Literally was so bad I couldn't face forward. Like I physically could not even put my head at a 3/4ths angle before I was subdued by overwhelming pain that even after going back to the position in which I was bound, would contiune to burn as if I had bitten into a battery. But with my neck.
Also me when I sleep:
Funny thing about this is I started praying and thanking God and then I was just like HAHAHAHAHAAHA JOKES ON YOU DEMON, PAIN ONLY BROUGHT ME CLOSER TO THE LORD. NOT TODAY SATAN while ugly sobbing and clutching my neck :>
Does anyone ever get that feeling when you are fangirling so hard you feel like you might actually cough up your heart or whatever organ is starting to burn from all the squeeling you're doing? Or maybe how you squint your eyes so hard in excitment it feels like they might intertwine and shoot your eyeballs to the back of your skull? Or maybe how you wave your hands so visioucly that they might snap?
This lowkey be me whenever I come across my fav characters, my favorite songs, and most importantly, my favorote God.
I need more Jesus stans so we can fangirl together