Here's How I Know God Is Good:

I really flippin love God bro. I can mess up a bunch of times and STILL get blessed like I'm the youngest child. Imagine screwin up so unbelievably bad practically everyday and your parents still shower you with a bunch of stuff you never asked for as well as for the things you did. That's basically him. All you gotta do is love him in return. That and apologize obviously. Yet for some reason, those are the things we, including me, have trouble sincerely doing the most. -- Me just now lol

I love God. That's all I had to say :)

Guess who's still crying about Beast? Me! I watched the movie and read the beggining and end of the light novel because I got lazy. Not expecting the end in the movie though. Spoiler drawing ahead and comments btw

Made me so sad. I was going to rant in another post, but I might as well do it here.

So, number one, the sugar cube scene was so adorable I literally cried. I mean it. Like I LITERALLY sobbed.

Number 2, Oda WHYYYYYYYY?! I'M LITERALLY CRYING WHILE TYPING WRITE NOW THINKING ABOUT IT. YOU ARE FRIENDS, YOU ARE, PLEASEEEE. DAZAI'S FACE WHEN HE PULLED THE GUN OUT IN THE BAR AND TOLD HIM NOT TO CALL HIM ODASAKU WAS LIKE A SLAP TO THE FACE.

Number 3, When at the end of the movie, Fyoder was being a little rat and messed everything up, I wanted to vomit out of an array of emotions. I was confused, sad, angry, and just so dang overwhelmed. Like I was ugly crying five seconds ago cuz of Dazai and then this SEWER RAT came and made me confused. I'll get into him in anothe post.

Number 4, In the movie, when Dazai stabbed his leg to show Chuuya his commitment and how much he deserves his trust didn't make sense when I saw it, however, after I recently read the book and watched the play Julius Ceaser, I was like OOOOOOOOH. Dazai immitating Portia and Chuuya Brutus made me just sooo....wow.

Number 5, When it turned out that MORI was the new director I just- absolutley NOT. Do NOT put a pedophile in his perfect Utopia, Dazai WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Also, I thought he killed him the whole time. Just think about it. A pedophile in an orphanage. You know how if you're being sexually assulted or something, you're supposed to tell a trusted adult like a parentor a teacher? THESE KIDS HAVE NO PARENTS.

Number 6, Chuuya being locked up in that poor governemnt facility broke my heart. Just think about how many people are going to die? Like there is no way Chuuya Nakahara is going to succumb to a bunch of itsy bitsy chains. He' breaking out and killing everyone in there and then the agency. Convince me otherwise.

Number 7, I can't. I'll make an entirely seperate post for Chuuya too, but can we just talk for a second? He went crazy because Dazai committed suicide. He went on a whole rampage and it took 3 special ability resistance units to take him down. This is what happens when there is no Dazai when he uses corruption. But the REASON he went into corruption was just...wow. I always knew they had a complicated relationship but at the same time it was just so simple. Like, they hate eachother, but they also don't. They don't like eachother, but it's not like they don't either. It's not like they complete one another, but it's like one soul in two bodies. They're so simply complicated that if you asked me what their relation was, I'd just say, they're complications. Because in reality, their relationship is just so unexplainable. You need to see it to understand it. There are relationships like lovers, enemys, frenemies, friends, siblings, etc, but they fit into literally no category but they aren't strangers either. This is getting too long, so I'll make a different post about that.

Number 8, Chuuya pleaseeee don'ttttt. There is no need to attack the agency, my guy. He wants to avenge Dazai's death, but what is there to avenge? Dazai did suicide. He wasn't killed. Chuuya was so upset that he wanted to kill all the agency. I just....can't. It's kind of sad. This is also going to be really long if I go on, so I'll make another post about this topic.

Number 9, the way Chuuya just really couldn't understand made me wanna bang my head on the wall in tears. He truly couldn't think of why Dazai did it. He was kind of alright one second and then dead the next. The entire time, you can tell how little Chuuya was incorporated into the script he wrote. The ending for each one was different as the movie had him go insane and be put under governemnt care, while the light novel just left him to do his own thing. However, in both you can see that neither of them ever knew what was going on. Dazai never gave him a reason to why he killed himself. Everyone else seems to be going on like nothing happened or at least as if they know what happened and came to terms with it, but then he knows nothing. He was his bodyguard and right hand man and yet NOTHING. I'll get back to this in another post lol. TvT

So yeah. I cried a lot.

God doesn't send people to hell. God is like light and hell is like darkness. Darkness is nothing but the absence of light, and hell is just the absence of God. When you refuse to accept God into your life and accept His promises and gifts, then you choose to be seperate from Him. Hell is a seperation from God. It wasn't even meant for you, it was meant for the devil and his followers, the ones who dared cross God and attempt to bring His children with them. So, He doesn't send you there, you send yourself by not choosing life.

I just went to sweet frogs and on the way and my family was discussing politics and how America may or may not survive these 4 years long enough to fix it back up. It had gotten me pretty down cuz it looked pretty grim when this happened:

Mom: Don't be so down, at least you're still here.

Me: Yeah, but for how long?

Mom: As long as Jesus says so.

The moment she said that, I felt so much better. I had forgotten who was in control. But knowing nothing can happen unless God let's it happen makes me feel sooo much better.

God works :)

SUCK IT

You know, lately, I've been noticing a lot of "bad" things have happened to me.

I've been constantly worried and stressed at school, I'm on a time crunch to figure out what I'm going to do once I graduate, I've just practically broke my neck, I'm in a lot of pain, I'm in an art block, I'm tired, not just physically though that too, I'm tired of everything and I just want the world to end already so I can go home and be with God, I keep having scary nightmares about dying and having my family killed before my eyes at night, I just had a huge fight with my mom AGAIN because of the same issue we have been struggling with since I was born, the one place I actually feel safe enough to be my natural self without people misunderstanding me and seeing me as weird and loud and stupid and crazy and nonsensical and random and particular and annoying has started to be the place where I am told the most that there is a problem with me, the people I trusted enough to be me with keep telling me I'm not trusting them enough because I'm not morphing myself to fit their wants, the only safe place I ever had is becoming my source of stress and anxiety, I have nobody but God to lean on, and self doubt and only God knows the thoughts I've had and only God is the reason I haven't gone off the wire and done irreversable damage to others or mainly myself.

Things keep happening. I keep getting hurt physically and mentaly. Is this is what people call spirtual warfare? Is this my test? Is this my season as Job? Cuz if so I am ACING it! HAHAHA IF SATAN THOUGHT THAT HURT ME, IT BROUGHT ME CLOSER TO THE SPIRIT. THE LORD IS HEALING MY NECK. THE LORD IS HELPING ME GROW THROUGH ME DREAMS. I KNOW HE CAN AND IS WORKING IN EVERYTHING ELSE. I WILL NOT FALTER, I WILL NOT GIVE IN, I WILL NOT FALL. I DON'T NEED A SAFE PLACE. GOD IS MY SAFE PLACE. I DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO LEAN ON. I HAVE GOD TO LEAN ON. I DON'T NEED UNDERSTANDING. I HAVE GOD TO UNDERSTAND ME. I DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO LIKE OR EVEN LOVE ME. I HAVE GOD TO LOVE ME AND NOT ANY LOVE COULD POSSIBLY COMPARE. SUCK OT SATAN. YOU DUMB GOD WANNABE FLIGHTLESS BURNT STUPID WORTHLESS UNLOVED HATED FAILURE AND EXCUSE OF AN ANGEL. FAILING SEEMS TO BE YOUR THING, IF I WERE YOU, WHICH I'M NOT CUZ I'M A LOVED CHILD OF GOD, I'D SAVE MYSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT AND STOP TRYING TO BE A SALTY BRAT ABOUT MY OWN DUMB AND ILLOGICAL CHOICES. LIKE WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND LOOKS AT GOD. THE GOD. AND SAYS YEAH I COULD TAKE HIM? WHAT, DID YOU SEE HIS OVERWHELMING GOODNESS AND THINK: NAH, I'D WIN? YOU WERE IN HIS PRESENCE. HIS RIGHT HAND DUDE. HIS MUSICIAN. AND YOU COULDN'T GAUGE THAT THIS WAS A FIGHT YOU COULDN'T WIN? SUCK IT.

(Found this rant from a while ago in my drafts and forgot to post it lol so imma post it now even though ive been nothing but blessed)

God allows trials and tribulations. He allows bad deeds and horrible sin. He didn't stop that girl from being assulted, or that child from being kidnapped, or that bullet from entering someone's skull. He let it happen. But you have to remember he has a reason. He always has a reason. Even if we don't know it ourselves. Job was tried, and while many say it was to test and prove his faith, could there have been more to it? Something bigger and greater? Job taught us how to react in the face of uncertainty, doubt, and suffering. Through his pain, we have had years of our own suffering lifted from us. Just like Job, our suffering may not look like it has a reason and honestly, sometimes the reason isn't to teach a lesson at all, sometimes, it's something else, but it always has a reason. Our suffering may not be written in a historical holy book, and thank God for that cuz that would probably have to be like holocaust level to get into a historical document, but we can still use it to teach our friends, our family, and people we haven't even met yet. Job taught his wife to stay strong, his friends to be humble, and all of us, generations of people, that God has the answers and we don't ever need to doubt that. So stay strong guys. And know it has a purpose.

Jesus still loves you. Let that settle. He still loves you. Before you existed, He loved you. Before you knew Him, He loved you. When you were in the middle of your sin, He loved you. While you repented, He loved you. When you refused to repent, He loved you. When you cursed Him, He loved you. When you denied Him, He loved you. When you ignored Him, He loved you. When you prayed, He loved you. When you cried, He loved you. When you screamed, He loved you. When you were hurt, He loved you. When you were content, He loved you. There was never a moment He did not love you. He has always loved you, just as He said he would, so much so that He died in your place for things He did not do. He did all that simply because He loves you so much that He wants you by His side. All He asks is that you love and honor Him. Please don't reject His love.

someone plz make this bro I can't-

Ok so I was just animating or whatever amd then all of a sudden, I got a great idea. It's probably already been done before but like what if, hear me out, what if, there was a fanfiction about Chuuya's pov when Dazai left. I imagine this as platonic and like obviously it's been done but like what if it weant as such:

Chuuya usually goes about his day normally, doing normal pm stuff, and once in a while he'll run into Dazai because, he too is pm. They usually fight and squabble and it's totally a routine at this point but then one day he wakes up and Dazai just isn't there. Idk maybe he was busy or something. So the next day he still doesn't see him. Probably trying a new suicide method. The next day. And the next. And the next. And the next, he isn't there. Finally he starts wondering what the heck is going on and somehow, Idk, maybe Mori tells him, or he overhears it, or somethin, he finds out Dazai left the mafia or just dissapeared out of nowhere. Now dude's like totally mad and confused cuz he didn't get any news of this sooner and he has no knowledge of why he would leave like that. Seeing as Chuuya is an actually smart person, Idk maybe he can use some deduction skills to try and figure it out. Even though he's racking his brain about it, nothing comes up. Until he remembers how close Oda and Dazai were and how Oda just recently died. So he gets a squad to do research, and they find literally nothing due to Ango's deal with an organization. So dude's got no leads, no ideas, and one clue why Dazai left, which is Oda's death. So he just has no other choice but to live with that and be vigilant. Four years. Four. Years. Pass. And no signs of Dazai. Like he just stopped existing that day. So, this could go a couple ways:

One day, Chuuya's doing something, Idk, shopping, walking, working, Idk Idc, but he's doing something and then just hears the words Dazai and immediently freaks out. He goes over and is totally freaking out and asking a billion questions and stuff. The people who were talking about him then tell him that Dazai was in the detective agency. And Chuuya's response is honestly beyond me. Make that up, I have no clue. But then he goes to check out the agency, and then sees him and after that I have no clue. I don't imagine them talking about it though. I think maybe Chuuya's just like, dang he looks way healthier or happier here, that's weird. And just decides not to interfere and goes home, questions mostly unanswered.

Or the other ending:

Chuuya, once again, is just doing stuff and then hears a reaaaaaally familiar and obnoxiously annoying voice and just wips his head around so hard it practically snaps. Then there's Dazai, just talking with an ADA member and he just freezes. Like, my dude was gone 4 years, now he's here, out of nowhere. So he's just in pure shock. Then it turns into pure rage. Then it turns into pure confusion. Then exitment. Then rage again. He cracked the case, but it was still unresolved. After that, do what you will, my brain is empty.

Guess who snuck into my English EOC released test today?