I Just Love The "they're More Scared Of You Than You Are Of Them" Thing Because, Yeah, Earth Is A Deathworld

erasermice

You’re a retired S-tier supervillain. After you retired, you married a B-tier hero. You are forced back onto the stage when an A-tier villain attempts to kill your spouse.

Humans are weird: swimming

Humans are not made to swim. So can you an alien seeing a human swimming? Alien: Mark! You are going to drown! Get out of the water!

Human: What? I’m just swimming. I’m not going to drown. I learned to swim when I was like 7.

Alien: But you aren’t meant to swim. Humans are land mammals.

Human: So?

Midoriya, sighing: actually, i am the only foster child in this family.

Shinso: seriously?

Midoriya: yes! i mean, look! you're the spitting image of a child from this family! even Dabi looks like our father!

Yamada, pinching his cheeks: and, in my opinion, you are absolutely our biological son.

Aizawa: it's true. you have Zashi's personality and my love for cats and coffee.

Midoriya: yes, but i don't have the main trait of the Aizawa's family.

Dabi: oh? what is it?

Midoriya: love for loud blondes. i mean!! look, Hitoshi yearn for Kaminari, and it's mutual, and Dabi is in love with Hawks!

Aizawa: *choking on coffee*

Shinso: *laughs out loud*

Midoriya: what?..

Dabi and Yamada together: Bakugo.

Midoriya: ...

Midoriya: oh no.

‘wanna go home’

“Babyyyyyyy!”

Aliens witness humans going “Babyyyy” when they see other animals and mistakenly believe that humans are liable to believe ANYTHING is a member of their young if it acts/appears similar enough; this has resulted in MULTIPLE cases where aliens leave their children at human orphanages instead of on their own world because of humanity’s pack bonding ability and it becomes some huge scandal where aliens are like.

“Manipulating them into taking care of our own young is immoral”

and

“Have you seen humanity? The moment they figure out what we’re doing, they’re freak out and go on a murder spree!”

Meanwhile, humanity is just like ‘sweet, we’re taking care of alien kids… we can handle this :)’

Bonus points if a human brings something like a puppy on board a ship and call it by saying ‘babyyyy!~’ and, despite knowing that it is DEFINITELY not a human infant, they try to treat it as such despite the fact that it is not a human.

Humanity appreciates this. 

Humans are weird: Best form of Revenge

Alien: What is the best way to get back at someone you despise?

Human: Why are you asking me?

Alien: Because humans are renowned for their ability to plan elaborate revenge schemes against those who have slighted them.

Human: On behalf of the human race I am offended by that.

Alien: I have witnessed you slowly drive your co-worker insane by moving everything in their office one inch to the left every day for 3 months.

Human: To be fair I only kept doing that because they refused to pay me back my $1.50 I loaned them for lunch.

Alien: *Stares at human with mocking eyebrows

Human: Fine, I see your point.

Human: Alright, here is what you do….

Alien: Wait, do you not wish to know why I want revenge?

Human: No.

Alien: Really?

Human: Yes.

Alien: Oh….okay.

Alien: So what should I do?

Human: Ignore them.

Alien: What?

Human: Ignore them, diminish them; make them feel beneath your notice.

Alien: That seems rather childish for an elaborate revenge plot.

Human: That is because I haven’t expanded it.

Human: If they come to you to gloat about something they did, anything, ask them who they are.

Human: When they explain who they are and how you should know them, still act like you have no idea who they are.

Human: If they continue to persist about how you should know them simply, and this is important, shrug and say “If you say so”, and then leave.

Alien: How is this revenge?

Human: Because in their eyes now they will think that they need to prove themselves somehow for you to notice them.

Human: Like a kid trying to win his drunken father’s affection.

Alien: That’s rather dark.

Human: So is revenge; keep up.

Human: Now they will continue to come back to you day after day trying to win your notice and you will continue to dismiss them or give them the bare minimum attention.

Human: If you want to get further under their skin start talking up someone else in their presence; someone who you would consider more of a rival then they are.

Alien: How would that work?

Human: Like this. *In mocking alien voice “Yes, yes, I’m sure you’ve done rather well for yourself; but not as much as Thomson on the 3rd floor. That bastard has been upselling me all week and I’m convinced he’s the one stealing my parking space.”

Alien: What good will that does to bring in someone else?

Human: By actually acknowledging someone who your target thinks is beneath them, they will further become enraged as you’ve just reinforced how little they appear on your radar.

Alien: And that works?

Human: Indeed.

Human: You need to treat your displeasure towards someone as gift to them, for you have deemed their existence worthy of acknowledgement.

Alien: Alright, I guess I could give it a shot. ------------------------------

*Two Months later

Human: So how’s the revenge going?

Alien: I’m not sure.

Human: What do you mean you’re not sure?

Alien: I mean they came up to me today and offered to have sex with me.

Human: Oh….in that case they must be very desperate for you to notice them.

Alien: What should I do?

Human: If you want to keep up with the revenge have sex with them, then afterwards don’t speak with them.

Human: If they come up to you and demand an explanation say that the sex was so bad you wanted to forget that moment by never speaking with them again.

Alien: ……………….

Alien: Who broke you to make you so devious?

Human: *Grins as they sip their drink

Human: I’m human; we were made broken.

Hizashi: honk

Shouta: what.

Hizashi, louder: Honk

Shouta: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT

this comic broke into my home and terrorized me for weeks

(something something looking out for someone who looks out for others and by extension being the one they don't really have to worry about and how that comes off as being kind of the last on their list and the guilt/privilege of it all)