Latest Posts by thoughtsandfeels326 - Page 2

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Torn...

When I think of that song. I immediately think of One Direction. I know that they did a cover of Natalie Imbruglia's song, but I still love their version to bits. I was a huge One Direction fan. I still listen to some of their songs like "Perfect" and "Infinity", I still wear my hoodie from their concert. I even listen tonsome of the musid they have made as solo artists ("Miss You" by Louis Tomlinson is amazing). But that's not the focus of this post.

So recently I made up my mind and I decided to let go. I had let go of Leonard, of everything around him and that whole situation he was going through. I was happy. I was happy to let go and move on with my life. Somehow, he always just knows. He knows when I'm happy and need to move on, because today he sent me a text, he's happy apparently. Things are starting to sort themselves out, but he wants to fix things with his friends. Starting with me apparently...

So now I am torn. I just started getting over everything and moving on. I was starting to accept things as they are and life was great, then this happened...

I have two options here. I can work things out with him and risk everything. Meaning I can fix things with him, but that would also mean risking my sanity and my feelings. I just don't want to get hurt again. I really don't. It was bad enough last year.

Or, I can tell him to shove it and move on with my life. I mean, he even admitted that if we try and fix things, I'm hardly ever going to see him, he just said "But we'll talk". I dunno. I mean that doesn't really seem like he's going to put any effort into building our friendship again...

So now I am torn. I want to fix things, because I really missed having a best friend. But I don't know if it's worth it getting close to someone again if there is a possibility of getting hurt again...

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It's scary because sometimes we can feel like we're so far a part from someone that we live on different planets. But if we look outside, up at the sky we, we're still looking at the same sky...

and the world’s gonna know your name

I just wish I could stop thinking sometimes...

I overthink, a lot, about everything.

I guess it's normal, sometimes. Sometimes I go back to conversations that have happened before. I analyse everything that was said and I think of every possible thing that each statement could mean. I think of everything that the other person could think I was trying to say. Then eventually I think of something and it makes me feel like the worst person on the planet.

Sometimes I try to stop myself from thinking about something because I know it will make me depressed. So intead I go to my happy place. Funny enough I think of wrestling. I have my perfect moments picked out already. My character. My debut match on NXT. Winning the NXT Women's Championship. Debuting on the main roster and winning the RAW Women's Championship. And finally, being the first female Superstar to main event Wrestlemania. I know these are all dreams, and they probably won't come true, but I think about this all the time anyway. I replay these moments all the time because they make me happy. I think about them to make sure I don't think about something depressing.

I recently found two things that depress me the most. One of them is a conversation that hasn't even happened. It will probably never happen. It's with Leonard. I think, that I probably only think about it because a part of me wants it to happen. In the scenario he actually wants to talk to me. He's himself again and he wants to talk to me because he wants us to be friends again. In my mind I switch. In one timeline I take him back and we're friends again. We're happy. In the other I tell him everything I ever wanted to say. I tell him how much he hurt me over the past year. I put up walls, which I have actually started building in real life, and I move on from him. I think this is the best option if this coversation ever happens. Either way I end up crying. No matter which timeline I follow. I cry because I know that either way, I'm going to end up hurt in the end...

The other thing I think about that makes me depressed is my parents. So I haven't really spoken about my family, but basically, I have one brother and one sister. We're closer than ever because all we have, is each other. My mom passed away when I was nine years old. My sister was in her final year of high school, my brother was in his third year at university. I just remember her feeling sick; taking her to hospital; the nurses refusing to let me see her because I was "too young" to go into the rooms; finding out about her cancer; seeing her on her birthday; getting a call in the middle of the night; and saying good-bye to her... I sucked, everything about it sucked. I feel like I never really even knew her. I just hear stories about her from the rest of my family.

The story with my dad is different. Even though I grew up with him in my life, I never really felt like I knew him. My dad had a severe stroke when I was about fve years old. He started to detatch himself from everyone else and isolated himself from even our family. As I grew up he started to close himself off from us more and more. It got even worse when my mom passed away. But I always had my brother and sister... We stuck together through it. It made us closer. Soon we didn't even see my dad for meals. He would come out to fetch food while my brother and sister were at work and I was doing homework. He would take the food to gis room and eat there. I never really understood how bad it was. I was kid. To me, this was normal, this was life. I only really understood it when I got to high school. My friends would talk about their dads and I realised that my family was not normal. I would visit their houses and realise that mine made my family look poor and dirty even though we weren't.

When I was in Grade 11, I realised things had to change. I spoke to a few people and I realised I wanted a dad again. I wanted to have a relationship with him. So I started to try. I started with simple things like recording wrestling and asking him to watch with me. He would sometimes, but he would forget that I hadn't seen it and spoil matches for me. Sometimes I would be mad (Undertaker vs Lesner *cough*). I would ask him to sit and eat with us. Most of the time he said no. But I still tried. I would sit and try to talk to him about anything. I never really felt like I got through. But it worked sometimes. Two days before my final high school exams started, my brother and I were about to go out and buy food. When we were about to leave we said "bye" to my dad and he didn't reply. I remember seeing that he was struggling to breathe, so we sat with him and he started clutching his chest. We were trying everything, but he was having a heart attack. I was calling everyone I knew. Every aunt, uncle and cousin, even my church pastor because I had no idea what to do. But it was too late. I had watched my father pass away right before my eyes.

I've never really spoken to anyone about this, but I felt like it was an important part of this post because I think about this. I think about how I never really knew my parents. Everytime I mess up, no matter how small it is, I feel like I'm letting them down. I hate this feeling, but it's there. I never really know how to feel. Because even though I never really knew them. I still miss them. I regret that I never really had a childhood where they taught me how to ride a bike or make cookies. I never really had a chance to even talk to them and I hate it. I know that with mom I never had the choice. But with my dad I had a chance and I never took it. So I regret it. I constantly overthink every moment I had with my dad. I think about how I would change it and how I would try to make things right. I would do better in Maths and Science and try to make him proud because I pretty much failed those subjects...

I constantly wish that for a moment I could turn my brain off and find some peace, but it's almost impossible. So I try to think of better things. Good memories, like sitting at the dining room table and talking to my mom while she writes in a notepad. Or watching RAW while my dad says it's turning into a soap opera and hates on Seth Rollins. Sometimes I even think about those conversations I had with Leonard about why he loves Batman. Then I realise none of these things will ever happen again. So I get desparate for happiness and I think of myself at the end of Wrestlemania holding up the Women's Title. It's dumb. But it works. I still cry, but I cry tears of joy because that would be me, making history at Wrestlemania. For a few minutes, I am okay. I allow myself to think until I find something to distract me from my thoughts.

This is for the Best

So, if you've read the last few posts. I'm sure you've already guessed what this post is about.

I've decided to give my former best friend a pseudo name. I'm sure it's kinda hard keeping up with my previous posts without a name. I think I'll call him Leonard as he actually reminds me of Leonard from Big Bang Theory...

I guess that things have been okay since I posted last. It's just that I'm pretty much just trying to keep up with things at college. Which is good. It's given me the distraction I need. I need to be constantly distracted these days. It's weird. I mean I feel fine, but as soon as I see him, my mood drops and I feel like I don't know how to act or react anymore...

Leonard seemed fine today though. A little psycho and a little on edge, but fine. He started talking to a few people today. People, not me, other people. He doesn't bother himself to even greet me anymore. I said psycho because well, he came to college without shoes today. So that's new. It was kinda weird, but maybe it's part of him finding himself. I mean, I'm in place to judge. I went to college in high waisted shorts and black sneakers with "Love" written in a ribbon...

I still found it kinda weird. The whole "no shoes" thing. I mean college is no place to be walking around with no shoes. I've seen people spill way too many things on the floor. I know it's not clean. But hey. It's his choice. It's all been his choice. I realised today that I don't deserve to have to beg to be in his life. At the end of the day. He chose to kick me out. In a way, maybe I should've seen this coming, I mean considering everything that happened last year, I was thinking of cutting him out of my life, so why would it be surprising that he cut me out of his?

I realised that this might be a good thing. I mean, he gets whatever he wants, space from me or whatever he shouted last time I wanted to talk. I, however, get something greater. I get a new identity. Before, people just knew me as "the girl that always hangs out with Leonard". Now I get to be my own person, form my own identity before I leave college. This is good for me. I don't only have an identity based on him. I get to have friends that aren't just friends of his. I finally have friends of my own. Some of those friends have also given up on him... Just like I have.

I feel like this is what's best. That instead of seeing this as losing someone close to me, I finally see it as an opportunity to find myself again and be the person I want to be. Not who everyone expected me to be as his best friend...

I hate when you try everything to save a friendship, but the other person isn’t making an effort and you feel so horrible, fooling yourself, saying “I’ll give them one more chance maybe they’ll come around” but then one day you realize this has gone on for too long and there’s only one thing left to do. It’s to say fuck it, and move on with your life.

I am trying...

So recently I posted about the situation I am having regarding my former best friend...

I guess you could call this post an update. But it's more just me and my feelings. I guess.

So yeah. He's still going through things. But I feel like it's getting better for him. Because he seemed happy today. He's lucky... I've been having a few bad days recently.

So on Saturday (today is Monday) I messaged him. I told him I miss him. Three simple words, but they have so much meaning. It was true. I did miss him. He's never at college anymore and when he is, he never talks to me, we never hang out. So I miss him. We don't even text anymore.

He replied with "I feel like people don't understand me or how to deal with me". Thanks... Like, everyone wants to hear that after they tell someone they miss them... I didn't get it. Like if that's what you're gonna say, maybe it would've been better if you didn't reply at all... I needed my best friend. This last week was really hard, but I'll explain that in my next post...

He then asked me what people actually want from him. I told him that I didn't know, but explained that I just wanted my best friend back. I wanted to feel like I was still important to him. I wanted to go back to having 3am weird conversations and comparing our knowledge of superheroes and anime. I just wanted him in my life again. But I guess that won't happen because he just replied with "Wow..."

That's when I realised it. I realised that I wasn't important to him anymore. That I wasn't a factor in his life. He acted so normal today. Well, from the way he acted around everyone else. I decided that I needed to act normal too. Like everything was okay.

Usually. I use my college campus as a sanctuary. A place where everything is normal and I can get away from the drama that is my family and home life. However, now I can't run because the problem is on campus. So instead, I pretend. I hang out with all my other friends. People who actually care. When I spoke to other people about this they told me to just forget it. That it wasn't worth it. I knew this already, but hearing it from other people made me realise how real it was. How much I actually had to do this.

At the end of last year I started to feel like he was just using me. When he was broke, I was there, paying for his Ubers and buying him lunch. He wouldn't even say thank you. He would just take the money or the food and hang out with other people. When he couldn't print his assignments, I was there with my inkjet printer. And when I had no ink I would run and print at a printing house. But I never received a thank you for that either... I never expected him to pay me back for any of this (which he hasn't) , but I atleast wanted to feel like I was appreciated.

He blamed me for a lot. He said that the reason he never wanted to be around me was because I give a lot of negative energy. Ironically I was negative because of him. I was negative because he would ask me for all these favours and never return them or even say thank you. I was also going through a lot with my family. My aunt and uncle are always fighting or complaining. My brother and sister are never home, so their anger gets taken out on me... All the complaining and fighting and anger, I put up with that...

Funny enough, he has a lot of negative energy these days. I'm trying to stay positive. This is our last year in college. I need to make it count. So that is why I decided to let him go. Completely this time. I feel like I'm stuck in a routine. I tell myself to let him go and leave him. Stop being there. But then I see him and he looks like death so I give in and try to help him. He pushes me away and I give up, only for the process to start again in a few days. So now. I need to do this. This isn't me giving up on him. This is me giving him space and wishing him well, but putting myself first.

The pain of letting go won't be as bad as the pain I felt trying to stay...

It's times like this where I wish I could speak to my mom...

Missing Someone

You know that feeling? It's like a deep ache in your chest and every time you think of someone, it's there. That's how I feel. I feel like I want to make everything better. But for selfish reasons. I want to fix everything so that I can have that person back in my life. When I think about it. I know that it's not possible and that's what hurts the most...

I'm learning to Accept Things...

So recently my best friend has been going through some things. But because of these things he isolates himself, he keeps telling everyone he's okay when we can clearly see he isn't. I'll admit that over the past year we started growing apart. We both just kinda started hanging out with different crowds, but I wanted to try and keep the friendship. I never wanted to lose him. But the fact that he's going through all that's happening to him is hurting him and he's keeping it all locked away inside his head... I feel like it's changing him and I don't like the person he's becoming. I want to hold on to who I remember him being so badly. But I don't see that person anymore. So here is what I'm starting to accept. I accept that he's pushing me away, even though I want to hold on. I accept that the person I see every day is no longer my best friend. I accept that I don't know who he is anymore. I accept that he needs time to deal with everything. I accept that I need to wait for him to decide if he still wants this friendship or not. I accept that maybe I'm not important to him anymore...

Sorry for the long paragraph. This is just something I need to get off my chest...

I don’t draw these guys enough!

Motivational Quotes For Success

Being a woman is hard af.

No boobs? Damn. Grow some. Boobs? Cover yourself. You’re so vulgar. No ass? Everyone will laugh at you for it. Ass? Well, better cover yourself cause you don’t wanna draw attention to that booty, right? Short? You need to wear those heels. Tall? Damn. You cannot be taller than men. Also, never wear heels. Skinny? Gotta gain weigh cause no one likes bones. Chubby? Eat healthy!!!! Nobody likes fat bitches. You like makeup? Hell no. Taking you swimming on the first date. No makeup? Please, take care of yourself. Don’t be so lazy.

We, women, are constantly shamed for everything so we, as well, might do whatever we want.

I love this so much... ❤❤❤

Pro Wrestling is amazing.

From the heroes

to the villains.

From Legends of old

to the warriors of today.

From Kings

and Queens

To the Underdogs 

the Giants

The common men

and the creatures of myth.

They perform for us

and bleed for us

Sacrificing their bodies

and their lives

To give us highiest measurements of joy

Surprise

and Sadness.

Displaying incredible athletic skill,

to provide you with moments you’ll remember forever.

10/10 favorite women’s finishers » Black Widow [AJ Lee] (Octopus hold)

How is this real???

Check out the zoom on a Nikon P900 camera. 

Step 1,2 3…. But, the best self defense is awareness.

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Depression is an ocean and sometimes people just don’t know how to swim.

(via mypenleaksiridescence)

I don’t know if you ever loved me. I don’t know if the late night drives and hands held meant anything to you. But I like to think they did. I like to think that a tiny smile formed on your face when you imagined the way we laughed together. I like to believe that whenever you felt sad and alone, I was the one who made you feel whole again. Because that’s what you did for me. Without ever knowing it you were making my life better. So even if you never loved me like I loved you, I hope that I still made your life better too.

(via ifthenightcouldtalk)

Rollins takes pride in indie origin, eyes Lesnar, Styles bouts (Inquirer.Net) Looking back, Seth Rollins could only laugh seeing how far he and his fellow independent wrestlers have gone in their careers.

Selling out smaller venues in the past, this batch from the indies have solidified themselves as surefire crowd drawers and emerged as the cornerstones in today’s WWE programming.

“I think it took the WWE a while to recognize that the indies produce a better talent. It’s the experience, knowing that you have to make things on your own, going to places, and wrestling all over the world, which makes us stand out,” the Architect told INQUIRER.net.

“Obviously, the WWE developmental circuit produces its own set of talent, but the thing is you just learn one style there. Nothing compares to the experience you gain from the indies, knowing the different styles around the world, and you see that with the current talent, with AJ Styles, Finn Balor, Dean Ambrose, Samoa Joe. The landscape has really changed and it’s good to see guys who have been grinding for 10 to 12 years in the indies to where they are right now.”

Rollins also admitted that this shift in mentality has made him appreciate his current program with Samoa Joe more, knowing that guys like them who made their names in numerous independent promotions somehow find themselves at a crossroads anew, this time with the WWE.

“Joe is incredible and it’s always good to have a program with someone you’ve known for a long time,” he said. “To be honest, I took a wrestling camp with Joe when I was still 17 years old. It’s a time before I even started having things to do with wrestling and it’s nice to know that after a long time, we’re in a position where we are right now. It’s a good feather in the cap recounting that we had that bond even before we started in the business.”

However, despite their deep connection with their backgrounds, Rollins made it clear that there’s a reason why he is “The Man,” and he wants to prove it, expressing his desire to get his shot at the Universal Champion Brock Lesnar soon.

“Truth be told, we’re all biding time. Me, Joe, Roman (Reigns), Braun (Strowman), Dean,” he said, rattling off names of possible challengers to Raw’s flagship title.

Rollins will have a chance to get closer in getting that crack as he was named as a part of the number one contender’s fatal-5-way match at Extreme Rules, where he will face off against Joe, Balor, Reigns, and Bray Wyatt.

The Kingslayer also didn’t shy away from calling out the Beast Incarnate, saying, “With Brock, it’s a double-edged sword. Obviously, Brock brings prestige to the title, but he’s not here often. Brock is a selfish individual and he works in his own realm, in his own schedule. He shows up when he wants to, so we all work in Brock’s schedule.

”Exuding confidence, there’s no doubt in Rollins’ mind who will come out on top once he gets his chance at Lesnar.

“I think I’ll be able to handle him and come out on top, as otherworldly as that sounds. Yeah, I think I’ll definitely come out on top,” he said.

But if that opportunity doesn’t come sooner or later, Rollins has one opponent in mind that he wants to face off against.

“AJ Styles,” he quipped. “We haven’t had a match in 10 years and it will be very interesting to have a match with him, hopefully, that happens soon. The brand split has kind of threw a wrench on us, but hopefully, soon.”

I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life.

Voltaire (via quotemadness)

Such a beautiful move...

How is that even possible??? ❤😱

Freakin' awesome

Woah !

I love her

AJ Mendez Brooks: Life advice for young women. ♥