I Have Wanted To Kill Myself A Hundred Times, But Somehow I Am Still In Love With Life.

Torn...

When I think of that song. I immediately think of One Direction. I know that they did a cover of Natalie Imbruglia's song, but I still love their version to bits. I was a huge One Direction fan. I still listen to some of their songs like "Perfect" and "Infinity", I still wear my hoodie from their concert. I even listen tonsome of the musid they have made as solo artists ("Miss You" by Louis Tomlinson is amazing). But that's not the focus of this post.

So recently I made up my mind and I decided to let go. I had let go of Leonard, of everything around him and that whole situation he was going through. I was happy. I was happy to let go and move on with my life. Somehow, he always just knows. He knows when I'm happy and need to move on, because today he sent me a text, he's happy apparently. Things are starting to sort themselves out, but he wants to fix things with his friends. Starting with me apparently...

So now I am torn. I just started getting over everything and moving on. I was starting to accept things as they are and life was great, then this happened...

I have two options here. I can work things out with him and risk everything. Meaning I can fix things with him, but that would also mean risking my sanity and my feelings. I just don't want to get hurt again. I really don't. It was bad enough last year.

Or, I can tell him to shove it and move on with my life. I mean, he even admitted that if we try and fix things, I'm hardly ever going to see him, he just said "But we'll talk". I dunno. I mean that doesn't really seem like he's going to put any effort into building our friendship again...

So now I am torn. I want to fix things, because I really missed having a best friend. But I don't know if it's worth it getting close to someone again if there is a possibility of getting hurt again...

I have two moods: 

1. Starve until I die

2. Binge until I cry

he didn’t think i was pretty. forget enough; try not at all. it is a sobering truth to learn. how do you react when someone knows every inch of your soul and doesn’t fall in love with you, even just a little bit? i don’t know how you come out of that without a slice in your heart. i don’t know how you just… pick up and move on. i look at myself in the mirror. really look at myself. and i feel a stone drop in my stomach, because no, i never thought i was pretty before. but i never thought i wasn’t, either.

he didn’t think i was pretty - oakflower (via oakflower)

Missing Someone

You know that feeling? It's like a deep ache in your chest and every time you think of someone, it's there. That's how I feel. I feel like I want to make everything better. But for selfish reasons. I want to fix everything so that I can have that person back in my life. When I think about it. I know that it's not possible and that's what hurts the most...

Every Seth Rollins has my heart 🙈☺️💖❤️

Whitewalker Seth has my heart.

I love her

AJ Mendez Brooks: Life advice for young women. ♥

I'm learning to Accept Things...

So recently my best friend has been going through some things. But because of these things he isolates himself, he keeps telling everyone he's okay when we can clearly see he isn't. I'll admit that over the past year we started growing apart. We both just kinda started hanging out with different crowds, but I wanted to try and keep the friendship. I never wanted to lose him. But the fact that he's going through all that's happening to him is hurting him and he's keeping it all locked away inside his head... I feel like it's changing him and I don't like the person he's becoming. I want to hold on to who I remember him being so badly. But I don't see that person anymore. So here is what I'm starting to accept. I accept that he's pushing me away, even though I want to hold on. I accept that the person I see every day is no longer my best friend. I accept that I don't know who he is anymore. I accept that he needs time to deal with everything. I accept that I need to wait for him to decide if he still wants this friendship or not. I accept that maybe I'm not important to him anymore...

Sorry for the long paragraph. This is just something I need to get off my chest...

Such a beautiful move...