I Am Not Your Smooth

Pascal’s Triangle

I'm nervous

But I showed up and here I am

I'm choosing to go down swinging, hard

I have to know that I tried

Even if I know I'm gonna get my butt kicked,

I like to at least attempt to kick back

My life has trained me for the sport of butt kicking

But it sometimes leaves me feeling pooped out

Every time I yawn I roar like a lion

A silent roar of sleep deprivation

But a roar of determination

Call me stupid

Call me crazy

But I'm gonna get this right no matter how many times it takes

I'll get it eventually

You can annoy me and make me feel uncomfortable but you cannot get through my stubborn head

I'm nearly impossible to brainwash

Without other methods being used

Looking at the big picture

Can be daunting

But you can just use fractions

And break everything up

Shatter it thoroughly

Take a step back

Breathe

And look with new eyes of simplicity

One step

At

A

Time

Let the miracles happen, and have fun storming the castle

All’s Not Lost

All's not lost

Until I have lost my mind

Now I will write

Into the night As if I am some sort of time lord

I will write

Until I feel alright

A poet’s tailbone

Is where they keep their tales

My tailbone is tired

I shall steal my sleep

From tomorrow

I am a true night time poet

With dry, tangled hair

Who knows where I’ll be able to take myself

Some is lost

And I'll admit that I fucked up

But I can almost trust

That this shall continue

I shall continue on this journey

That is full of losing

And gaining

The Streets Of Regret

I often walk the streets of regret

I know my way

Down the blank streets,

Of this blank town,

That few people know by name

The ones that know are the ones who survive the pain,

With pockets full of dread,

With feet full of lead

There are people on the empty streets

Fighting to be the next Bruno Mars, or Beyonce

While peacemakers argue with them,

I secretly stand out

I’m fighting to be the next  Bob Dylan, or Patsy Cline

I know that those two are mine

Artists with feeling,

Don’t live in the same world as the robots with glass and glazed, laser eyes

There are cracks in the sidewalk kids are playing near

There are booze bottles littering the streets

I walk past with hurry stuck in my messy hair like gum

I don’t know much, but I'm sure I'm walking after midnight

Alongside a rainy wind blowing,

My wills are growing

I stop to see my hopelessness weeping

Instead of possums and passions sleeping

I turn a corner to find winter waiting waving at me

I turn a leaf to find some grey pill bugs that resemble me

Where do you go when you don’t have a home?

Do you just sit defeated the moment you are set free from your room?

Defeated because in the beginning you pushed too hard

In the start I saw the morning light hitting the dew drops in the backyard

The illusion of freedom in my black play pants

I guess that’s kind of my thing now, but now they come with ants

I don’t remember running out of hope

But I did realize that life is certainly not a fairytale where dreams come true

And true love’s kiss saves everything

You must live without your dreams and just do what a man’s got to do to keep yourself alive

The frustration of walking in circles, round and round

And constantly seeing clowns with painted frowns

As if they were mocking misery with their humor

They tell everyone how great the streets are but it’s a funny rumor

Light Pollution

Staring at the dark ceiling

I have it memorized

If only the glow in the dark stars were real constellations

I’d know my way around them by now

I’m a night owl; a nocturnal creature dealing

A toilet flushing down the hall

Brings me back to my punishment of being under aged

Being owned by your parents

They call it custody

I call it a prison of musty walls

I'm allergic to the stuffy skeleton of this house

Keeping the keys quiet so I don’t get in trouble

Deep trouble

For something so little

In comparison of the big picture and the hole in my blouse

I need to get away from the light pollution

So I can shine brighter than my cousins

Two stars, and I get compared to them

It’s inevitable because I'm trapped being related

Because I must be part of the salty solution

I must get away from the people asking me why I'm not shining,

While my surface is burning hotter than magma

Waiting to explode

Letting the pressure you put in me develop,

Into diamonds I will wear while going out with a special one dining

Letting some steam off in a perfect sun storm

I'm fast and burn hard

But I wait like a cat about to pounce

You won’t see it coming before you're in a ring of flames

You can’t freeze my flames out, with your heart so cold you still can’t even make the temperature go from hot to warm

You were in Love with Love

Late night conversations

Me and my hesitations

Let’s not forget those limitations

I'm smarter than before

I was naive when I was rich; I have common sense now that I'm poor

I found my way around the moor

You're all hurt now but I'm not

In love with love you got caught

Did you find that a twist in the plot?

You with your "Oh, okays"

You left me with wasted days

Wishing that if I sat still long enough, I'd just decay

I wanted to go into a state of nonexistence

Instead I ended up becoming more resistant

Happiness in the far distance

It turns out, you were not the sun

In the cold you don't seem to have fun

You didn't bother to learn my puns

I'm disappointed not mad

That lad,

Isn't the reason I'm sad

When you flirt

It hurts

I no longer have to share dessert!

"She doesn't deserve to be ignored"

I cut the cord

So get out of my life with your longboard

Running And Fighting

All the wrong words rhyme

This poetry thing is getting old

And it’s hard to break patterns

It’s hard to be constantly doing something that terrifies you

So here is a messy clump of words with no organization

Here’s me, and I'm not sure who I am without poetry

It might be starting to fade because I've worn it out

But I don’t want to stop

At least not yet

Poetry is the only way I am allowed to rebel

That is without suffering the consequences

Writing is my way of running and fighting

Running and fighting is all I know

Running and fighting is all human nature knows

A lack of life and sleep makes me want to quit,

Running and fighting

Should I try to make the right words rhyme,

Even if it makes me more tired?

I guess that’s what I’ll do,

To make it feel like I’m getting somewhere,

With my endless, restless, wandering…

Wandering…

           Wandering…

                       Wandering

I Am Slipping

I am slipping

Out of reach

And it’s freeing

But depression

Is slipping

Through the cracks

In my voice

My non binary

Voice of being

Gaily befuddled

I found myself

Laying on the floor

Staring at the ceiling

And that’s how I have conference meetings with depression

I want to

Be okay

With the present

But hold on a moment

I need to take

A call

A conference one

I want to feel real

Again

And I don’t know the next time I will  

I want to take a tired walk

To the kitchen

And smash a few

Plates

And fall

Into

A ghost’s arms

I cant always be my own hero

Super girl is only so good

I just might have to call up gut girl

Because she can at least stomach me at my worst

I feel behind in life

And its so hard

To not compare myself to others

Because maybe my life

Isn’t a highway

Like other people’s lives are

I’d much prefer to enjoy the view and stare at natural beauty

I don’t get

The constant rush

That society puts on us

Maybe that’s why I like to lay on the floor

And stare blankly at the ceiling

But then my thoughts start rolling like thunder

And the cycling begins…

Hot Tears

Hot tears could set this place on fire

All these flame flame flames

Who aim aim aims

These flame flame flames

At me?

But even if this place burned down

It would lack lack lack,

You, come back come back come back

I lack lack lack

The part, of my heart that you took

I've become so hot that I'm blue

Into my life you came came came

Do you think this is a game game game

The way that you came came came

And left me

You left me with hope that has evaporated

You had hope hope hope

To keep this boat afloat float float

I want that beautiful hope hope hope

Sos

I know that I'm just wasting paper thinking that we shall meet again

Life just seems lame lame lame,

Without you, do you feel the same same same,

About this being lame lame lame

Amy?

Light Flickering

Light flickering

Reminds me of where I live

It’s annoying

But that’s just how it is

It makes it feel like more of a horror movie

And I know that there are monsters under the bed

I consider it camping

Yet it’s just life

It will carry on even if I can’t see the stars,

Swirling in time

Above my head,

A universe that I cannot touch

My mind

Is a strobe light

And I feel a bit dizzy

It’s a bit too much to take in, again

My heart is light with carbon dioxide

The candle a flickerin within

And I'm scared that

I can smell the smoke of the future

I’m Done!

I no longer hope youwould just text me

Have you known the whole time that all of this was to happen?

Fallen out of love is exactly what I have done

Out of the k-i-s-s-i-n-g tree I have run

Of course in the back of my head I knew

Love, I do not miss you

With this relationship, I'm done!

You knew, didn't you?

But I was naive enough to let myself fall

I don’t have a hard time when I see you in the hall

Still, I can’t believe that I got over you

Hope is how I know I can do

You'd better not stay with her or,

Text her and tell her that you love her

Me without you is like a bladder without piss

Like it or not, it doesn't get better than this

You were such a bad boy

Did you never realize that I wasn't just a toy?

With this poem

Alex won't be upset