First One About You

When I’m Happy

When I'm happy

Happiness won’t seem like a foreign word

And there will be tons of space

To run free at a great pace

I won’t feel like I'm constantly getting criticized

For just being me

No longer shall my work,

Be torn up by jerks

I won’t feel snappy

And the lines won’t be blurred

I won’t feel condemned to hide myself behind them

As a flower never give away your stem

There will be boundaries

Because people don’t think I deserve them

Because I'm not of age

And never will be because I'm just baby sage

I stopped dreaming

When I got tired of society feeding on my dreams

And twisting them into something I didn’t want

So I just played off nonchalant

But maybe one day

I’ll find myself…

Petting a german shepherd

While listening to Def Leppard deafeningly loud

And fall asleep with a tired smile

One that I wore all day

I’ll be able to get lost in a dream

And come up with even crazier schemes

Thank

Thank you for saving me another night

I now see a little bitty light

At the end of the tunnel

I'm just starting the loooong climb out of the funnel

That drains into the black, empty hole of eternal sadness

My parents just think I'm full of badness

Depression is like a black hole that is always going to be tapping on your shoulder

It makes sure that you know if you trip it will come back and hit like boulder

Maybe you were lying

If you were and I find out, you might find me slowly dying

And sliding back down again

I'm not writing this with a pen

You are my idol

My mom wants me to believe in the bible

But she can’t make me believe in something that I'm not so sure about

This is why I sometimes pout

Well I'm writing this to you so back to it

I love you, I have to admit           

Not in the creepy way

You’ve brought me back to bay

I think that is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me

I'm not kidding, you now have my secret key

I hope you don’t lose it

Please don’t quit

Everyone who has told me they would be there for me, forever

Always ended in a never

I'm slightly scared to love you

I might end up, not just blue but dark blue

It almost seems every time I love someone

I always get shunned

Thanks

For putting some of your spare change in my vacant bank

I've been staring at what you wrote in complete disbelief

I'm as lonely as a shrived up leaf

However, I do have many sides just like you think 

Everyone who only sees the quiet side really needs to blink

Or get better glasses

I hope that their phase passes

This poem has finished quickly

I hope you don’t find it sh*tty

The Nights Drag On

The days drag on

They slip through my fingers

And dive under my legs

Running on that dang treadmill

Wake up and run

Repeat

A trillion tons of pressure

No thoughts

Halls that stretch on forever

Junior problems

Became senior ones

Goodness making me want to puke

Coldness

Eating away at my hollow bones

I feel like I’m the only hydrated piece of sand in the desert

The only dry fish in the sea

Someday I’ll get speared

Not spared

A book thrown down stairs

Forgetting sunrises

And not regretting it

Invisible issues are the atoms that make me up

Holding in and holding on and exploding

Walls are shaking with,

The darkness of given up days

(That’s all of them)

I don’t sleep because I can breathe at night

The nights drag on…

Marble

Our time is 5:07

It's my heaven

Don't you ever doubt that you are my friend

Shall I make you say it again?

You know what I mean

Please spill the beans

I’ve heard that before but I don't know where

Sorry, but I don't dare

I can't hurt you, I won't sugarcoat it with extra fluff

You've already been hurt enough

I like writing misery, you like science

But 5:07 is our compliance

I refuse to lose my marble

This one is really garbled

Garbled and hard to understand, without a doubt

I like it when you freak out

It means you care

My tall teddy bear

Now you know that I can't even sneeze

And all you could say was, "oh jeez"

Oh but that guy, Brad

She's mad

To make her day

She wishes that certain people would get out of the way

She's befuddled

I'm befuddled

When she smiles

I sit back and watch for awhile

For you I will never stop

Until I'm at the top

That rock wall, for you I will climb

Because 5:07 is our time

Time Bomb

I'm a ticking time bomb

A bottle full of pressure

The cork is stuck

I won’t give them a warning to duck

Will shatter into a million pieces

A broken pencil

Not usable or wanted

You get taunted

Never picked first

But yet I get picked on first

Yet if someone just sharpened me…never

They still won’t let me pull the lever

I'm treading in high water and I'm getting tired

Going to blow eventually

No one can see all the pressure rising higher yet

Later, they might have regrets

What will they say when you explode?

Is that what they want?

They’ll laugh at the exploded mess,

And your unrealistic progress

Good luck picking yourself back up

Why don’t they just shut up already?

Why don’t you just open up to someone

Instead of hiding behind a zinger or a pun

Bang Bang

My heart is made of gold

And it's oh so heavy it hurts

With every bang, bang Today

My broken is showing I don't think

I was supposed to be here It's like this isn't my life

I belong in a different one My life is at an advanced placement level

While my brain is at special education level

I'm too sensitive

And too weak They were right

About me after all Bang, Bang

Footsteps

Footsteps rattling the house like thunder

Demanding to be felt

Whispers of scraping bare feet

Demanding to be heard

Demanding for my valuable attention

Your distinct smell of deodorant smelled by my denying nose

Your yells for me to come out and play,

Demanding to get under my skin and to my heart

I'm not going to tell you that you are wasting your energy

I hope you will use your energy all up and wither

I have no heart

That's why I'm smart

I've got my back against the wall

But I can feel you banging your fist from the other side

Parading and patrolling the halls

I'm stuck in jail on my bunk

You seem to clomp,

With a pair of clogs

What the hell are you doing?

Demanding attention

And stealing glances

That's nothing new

About you

And your lazy master feet

I’m annoyed as a slave

And you’re running around the house like an aristocrat

You want to be close

And I want to be far,

Because I know I could end up with feathers and tar

You always have to dominate everything

This might be why I’m a control freak

In this house with slammed doors and loud footsteps

“Beautiful things don’t ask for attention”

Solitary Confinement

It felt like solitary confinement

They have my finger print

All the windows had a tint

It was hard to see

Anything but all the problems wrong with me

Drowning in the unknowing sea

Been here so long I’ve got belly button lint

Can they take the silence as a hint?

May I have a breath mint?

Outside I can hear them talking

The secrets are shocking

That door I’m locking

The things I hide

Behind some deceptive lies

My heart dies

Inside here I have no control

Maybe he is secretly the troll

Trapped is my soul

My body is so tense

Just hop the fence

It sounds like I don’t make sense

Inside I’m dead

Heavy as lead

I don’t look fed

I wonder what they are saying

In here I’m slowly but surely decaying

The video cameras revealing everything, replaying

Somehow they forgot me

I long to be free

The new, changed world, I want to see

When is the last time I saw the bright shooting stars?

As I try to imagine mars,

Through the cold, rusty, thick, medal bars

At somebody getting in their car

I wonder what their life is like

Strike, strike,

Strike

I’ll get though this

No one has ever truly been here for me, there is no one I miss

No one is one the list

My only friend in here is a flickering light

I’m not done with this fight!

Will I be forced to stay another scary, rough night?

However this room is also bliss

As I reminisce

At least I’m finally away from the battles, the silence is a gentle kiss

Situation Impossible

Just wishing and hoping ain't gonna do nothing

It’ll just make it worse

But I do it anyway because I'm cursed

  Desire equals suffering

So don’t wait and hope

Before you open your big mouth you might as well fill it with soap

  If I desire not to desire anything that’s a desire

I love you but I can't fully have you

What am I supposed to do?

  I can't win with fire

The things I wish I could tell

I want you to just know why I may not be so well

  When should I stop having just a spark of hope?

It's 1 in the morning

And I'm mourning

  I'm beginning to realize that enough is enough, no more of this nope!

I think about you a bunch

I probably never even cross your mind from time to time ever much

  You are only somewhat removed

Now it's 1:08

And you are what I now hate

  Out of my life my safe person always moves

I need someone like you

I can't really tell you but I wish and hope that you knew

  I feel like puking I don’t want to be seen

Needing you so much I'm sick

This sickness cannot be fixed with vicks

  1:13

By the minute I'm getting older

You are warm and I don’t think I can get much colder

  Wishing waiting and hoping

In this situation it is impossible

I'm so sick I need the hospital

  I don’t know what I'm thinking, I have to find a new way of coping

1:21

Thinking about you I should be done

Blue Jay

She comes up to me just because I was alone

Little did she know I had been texting my friend on my phone

She proceeded to ask me a simple question

While on the inside I died and didn’t let out a groan

I was so anxious I almost pissed

What she said I almost missed

She caught me off guard

As I almost failed to answer in my panic she tsked

Why do I get singled out?

I'm not the kind who will pout

I felt like running to guidance

Is it that clear that I don’t belong here?; I have to stop the self doubt

Please stop asking me if this is where I belong because I’ll fucking leave school if you want

My existence alone seems to cause you so much trouble, when all I'm doing is reading my font

I'm minding my business so you should mind yours

Then again you don’t seem to mind just like my uncle and aunt

I wanted to run

With her I'm am so done

She’s an intrusive judge of society

She reminds me of the days my face would feel as hot as the sun

I wanted to fly

But I was stuck under her painful stare and I sure did die

Her voice seemed to flow in a different language

If only I had the life of a newspaper and a house fly

I dreamed of running, running, flying like a blue jay

A little bird is trying to keep me happy without any delay

I feel horrible about being more of a bee

He deserves more of a girlfriend who is in class A

I'm all anxious and my life sucks

I'm trying to stop giving any fucks

I do love how he said something I have always been thinking about this place

You really don’t fall in love the same way twice; so I don’t know, shucks

It’s entirely my fault

That my life has been at a halt

You're going to have so much fun with my stubbornness and my awkwardness

I love how I can’t tell who’s the ocean and who’s the salt