When I’m Happy

Suicide Of Talking

When it seems as if all I do is say the wrong words

It just seems like the world would be better off without my voice

A violent soft voice

A little voice meant to destroy

If only it could destroy

Social anxiety,

Selective mutism,

And the awkwardness

Created by me

In other words…it’s hopelessly my fault

My words have a tinge of blue

That slips under the radar

Because word suicide

Doesn’t happen all at once

It starts out as my mind nagging me

That I could have chosen better words

And then it escalates to my mind haunting me

Like a television

That turns on with the help of a ghost

The suicide happens

When I start to believe

That it hurts less

To say less

Instead of saying something I will regret

Words

People say that words can’t hurt you

But words can make you dangerously blue

They say that sticks and stones hurt more

But they don’t get that words aren’t a bore

Words have a lot of meaning

Stop the brain cleaning

Why do you think I write poems?

Poems are my home

Sticks and stones may break your bones but they can’t ever hurt your soul

Unless you let them slip through a little hole

Words have a way of sneaking around everyone’s hearts and minds

Too bad you don’t have to pay a fine

Some words hurt like knifes

Don’t let it ruin your life

Words can leave marks,

Scars and painful friction sparks

Other words are kind

Some can blind

You can’t only say I love you to me

You have to not just prove it but make me see

I now don’t trust easily at all

People who I used to trust have made me fall

Not only did they do that they made sure that I heard their laughter

After

I can still hear them in my head

When everyone else is in bed

Sleeping

While I lock myself in my room weeping

Their laughter always growing louder

Why must I cower?

I wish I was strong like everyone else

I just want to be my old self

Everyone says I'm strong but really I'm not

They don’t know I cry a lot

They say I'm strong

But they're wrong

They all think I'm fine

They say that while all they do is shine

I'm just the cloudy, dirty, run down, rusty

Musty…

No one ever wants me

I'm the third wheel all the time, you see

You always tell me someone is worse off than me

Why can’t you just flee?

The laughter is so loud that it is part of the beat of my drum

What have I become?

Why do you enjoy making me feel worthless?

You are careless

The stress

Of always trying to be the best

You’ve made me a mess

I just want to be me

You never hear my pleas

Of just let me be me

I beg you please

Just turn it off

And step off

And you wonder why I don’t tell you anything or even speak at all

I just don’t want to bawl

Stop looking at me with that stupid judging look

I gratefully have unhooked

From you

We’re not stuck like glue

I've lost faith in the human mind

You can’t even be somewhat kind

Words make up the human world

Sometimes they can be bold, twisted and curled

Words hurt more than physical pain

You have a box of permanent letters in your brain

Of all the mean,

Things ever said to you, you're fat, you should be more lean

Some of the letters are signed with your name

Yes you are that lame

You really are your worst enemy

Slowly killing yourself…

White Memorial

I don't like to be

Distracted by the hand held

Devices of now

I just like the quiet

I'd rather just be silent

And just listen to...

Boardwalk bridges that

Sound like a xylophone that

Lead to spiderweb,

Facial masks, that lead to

Nature's cotton candy, that

Are cattail trails, yet

With all these great things

It seems like people don't like,

To listen and watch

Always You and Me

Let’s get away to the van down by the river

It’s not such a horrible place to be

Always you and me

Always you and me

Ignore responsibility

And be free

Always you and me

Always you and me

Babe, make me related to nothing but stardust

I’m done fighting; I’m traveling to a different road

Always let it be you and me

Always you and me

We are failures but now we will live unrestricted

Our reflections clean in finite water droplets we’ll see,

Always you and me

Always you and me

You’re the cancer in my heart that makes me want to sin

Because I know I’ll never win

Always let your heart bleed you and me

Always you and me

You like to get my hopes up so you can crush them,

Like the sand crunching beneath my weary feet

Always crunching you and me

Always you and me

Your motor mouth with one hell of a horn

Secretly and politely pushing me off the twisted boardwalk

Your horn always sounding you and me

Always you and me

I’m good at acting at being myself

That does not mean I am okay, with

Always you and me

Always you and me

I could always tell you were too afraid,

To give me more than just a crumb of you

Always trying to make a meal you and me

Always you and me

So…you left

And I’m right

Away you went from me

Away I went from you

Lonesome

The word “I” is pretty lonesome

The word lonesome is not as lonely as I

I am lonely with myself

I lost myself again, I see…

I might have just have been lost at sea

Where will I find me?

Do you ever think about me?

Did you erase me from your memory because it was too painful?

I still miss what you threw away

I took the trash out Tuesday night

And I missed you Wednesday morning

I found a song that reeks of you

I almost went to the dump to look

All I found was a clean brook

I don’t think I knew you, before you turned into a sad crook

In that brook, I tried to baptized myself in the cleanliness and got a little lost

And sometimes I have a hard time putting on my holey socks

And sometimes I forget about the locks

I is lonesome

I need guidance; I can’t learn from trash

I'm better off lonesome

Precipitation On The Precipice

Precipitation on the precipice

Perpetually with presumable paranoia

Along with possible poems that have no periods

Because life might very well be never ending

Pause...

Delete the delirium of the demons

Don't deteriorate with your destruction

Do what you want during the debriefing but don't drown in the debris

Try not to go that far

Drat

All they asked for was some alliteration

While they surrounded you with alligators in the ally

But I am writing an album of aluminum with alliances that allay

Not every allegation is right

Allure

Currently concentrating

On the cause of the catastrophe

Two cracks colliding without collecting credit

Learn that, that is simply life

Creating

I'm a nitpicky nitwit

Nincompoop that knits knots

In the neon lights of New York, I nervously take notes on networks of gnats

I will stop with the,

I will not’s because I have too many to keep 

NCCC

Never

Certain

Correctness

Current

Now

Cognitive

Correlation

Censor

New

College

Care

Collection

Noticed

Color

Confuse

Create

Trip

Swat

Soot

Positive

Treacherous

Stretch

Strengthen

Progress

It’s Over

I cant believe its over

The ending came; it came without a warning; It came just this morning

And its all over now

I always knew the end of the tunnel,

Would come eventually

And its all over now

But I guess that I thought

The end would never come for me

And its all over now

The three year old is finally free

And scared

And its all over now

All those years of being held prisoner

All those moments stuck with mean dicktators

And its all over now

I was just doing my time,

Of a little shy of 20 years

And its all over now

Before I had come to the conclusion

That I had gotten a life sentence

And its all over now

Still stressed but now I can breath,

A little deeper

And its all over now

Part of me wants to go back because now I don’t know what to do,

Without someone yelling commands at me

And its all over now

On me own

All alone, just how I wanted it, right?

And its all over now

I can finally rip part of this crowded box open,

Shed my fake skin I had to plastered to myself just to survive

And its all over now

I want something different

I cant stand having the same ticky-tacky exterior of everyone else, of 9-5 days

And its all over now

T-20 years and still counting

I feel ripped off

And its all over now

Sleeping With My Thoughts

I’d rather stay up at 2 in the morning

With my thoughts

Rather than sleeping with them

I'm not that intimate with my thoughts

They do not belong

In my bed

In my sheets

In my being

But alas I'm too sensitive

And weak

They are aggressive

And addictive like the warmth of alcohol

Exhaustion tries to seduce me

But I refuse

I know I cannot hold them off forever with the cane

Until they all break free

To slowly and comfortably lull me

Into my nightmares

To wake up in a sweat all hot and bothered

Shaking and shaking

Remember Oil

Oil

Tin can

Marble shaking around

“Oil can” says the tin man of a car

At least I know that there is a true heart inside

Along with a great dancer

But this oil...

Is making the somewhat broken ice more slippery

And harder to break

Even though you are a human teddy bear

That wears the same grey sweatshirt a lot,

Same though

You don't know, but you are

The tamer of my wild anxiety

We are literally driving in a shaking car with no right turn signal

And I find

That I'm comfortable with that

And I hope this ride doesn't end soon