“I Am Going To Change, I Promise” I Never Knew That Changing Could Mean Leaving Maybe Not Even You

I desired to learn so many things

Like trusting, instead of searching affection in your night sky eyes

Like loving, instead of rushing only to control and not to lose

Like healing, instead of hurting myself and everyone I feel around

Like being thankful, instead of sorry for all the words which leave my mouth

Like living, instead of dying with every day I waste for nothing

Like living, like living like living time as easy as you do

Why do you feel so alive?

I want to discover freedom rename the emptiness inside of my mind I start to understand that nobody ever said emptiness had to be filled to enjoy, to feel, to be it`s only an assumption a comforting picture the feeling of feeling fulfilled. we are used to fix and fill and fit get uncomfortable around unknown, around space because we desire comfort which isn’t freedom in the first place so at the end of the day how can we feel free when we try to fill ourselves only to avoid the void inside of us Isn't it the empty blue sky which let the sun enlight the day? Isn't it the open dark sky which let the moon guard the night? why don't we use the free space and instead of calling it emptiness let’s call it freedom instead of calling it loneliness let’s call it independence instead of searching let's call it finding

I want to find my comfort in you instead of building a place to call it a home only to see it collabs on the fragile ground which I misunderstood as stable because they told stories about love and its fiction   instead of the truth its pleasure on destruction

the past; a secure space I hold in my mind easiness laid on our skin now it is dust we got old in just a couple of months I miss these new felt days where kisses lasted for hours a new touch opened  a new thirst our smile reflected in each other eyes we used to find passion in an old bed and dirty sheets Yet today; the present promises pain, we found insanity in the soulmates we tried to be

lone lovers

we were, we are we used to be two strangers, two souls wandering through a world of small towns and drunken nights same days and a questioning mind of when there will be a time of passionate lovers, red roses and thirsty kisses and here we are now 9 months later two lovers, two dreamer wandering through the same world fed up from kisses, and drunk of desire we found what we wanted yet loneliness: even lovers can't fill all the empty spaces they carry within themselves 

We think to much

and forget to love instead

“I love you" seemed so scary to say you took the fear gifted me the words I've never heard leaving someone mouth Yet by touching your lips, I knew it wasn't a lie you told me it was your heart you offered

And you are still

the only person

who can keep me together

when I am about to fall apart.

I want to let go of a couple of things like of the idea of being anything of meeting the expectations I expect others to have Yet all I reached is the nothingness I called the vision of perfection and couldn't hold onto anyway  

When will appear the day where I am finally ready to open my eyes? Stop hiding from days, months, years which I apologize with "Today is just one of the other kind"

Where I will stop dividing days into "this kind" and "good kind"

Where I won't fear falling asleep because of how terrifying it feels waking up and living without changes

Where driving home won't feel like an obstacle I can't overcome but end up panicking every Sunday all over it again

Where I am ready to open my eyes and perceive the colors of the world swallow them and start to see what I am missing by holding my eyes closed