The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

Henley Monday -

Summer time has finally come and come to stay! The sun is shining and birds are chirping and trees are budding and the lilacs smell INCREDIBLE.

So here's Alexander Skarsgard on that lovely summer staple, the beach! He looks very rugged like a field photographer for National Geographics of yore. Thumbs up.

The return of summer also means another TV staple will return to our lives. True Blood starring the Skarsgard here will be back on June 16th with all it's insane and completely bazoo plotlines. Until then enjoy this trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGgt_jllHcA&feature=player_embedded

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 2

            There is no time wasted jumping into this week’s episode which purports to be filled with drama and jealousy and dumb, dumb group dates.

Sarah, the beautiful girl born with one arm, wins the very first solo date and she’s just humbly excited as the other girls humbly plan her murder. She actually seems lovely and well-adjusted, but the producers just keep making her talk about the fact that she only has one arm. It’s kind of hard to understand who she is as real, NORMAL PERSON, when all you keep making her say is ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM.

As if from on high, Sean arrives to pick up his date in, you guessed it, a helicopter. Week two, date number one, we’ve got a helicopter. This show is going to make me lose sense of the word helicopter. Sean picks up adorable Sarah and tries desperately not to reach out and grab her stump as he helps her in.

“Oh! So amazing!” he says devoid of true emotion as they sweep over the “feh” landscape of LA.

Sarah voices over, “I might seem unapproachable to you guys because I have one arm, but my ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” Please God let this be the last mention of her phantom limb.

“We are really high up, if you haven’t noticed,” Sean helpfully points out when they land on a helipad on the roof of a sky scraper. “I brought you all the way up here for a champagne toast, which is all the way down there at the bottom…We are going to free-fall three-hundred feet all the way down!”

Sarah is confused and freaked out and nervous and I’m nervous too because even thinking about heights makes my tummy sad and gurgley. But Sarah bravely trusts completely in Sean (not the cables, harnesses, etc) to guide her safely at the bottom.

I hate this. It is a horrific nightmare somewhere between sky-diving and bungee jumping. I would probably go through with it but I would be displeased at having to prove my ability to have an adult relationship by performing death defying stunts. They make it down, her shrieking the whole way and him kind of bellowing. What a f*cking well-earned glass of champagne that girl drinks down.

Sean and Sarah change into formal ware for “dinner” on what appears to be the bed of a concubine to the King of Siam. Sarah tells a really touching story about not being allowed to zip line because of her disability (ONE ARM) and that today meant a lot that Sean(the stunt company) trusted (made her sign a waiver) in her ability to do something so courageous and fun.

Sean replies by saying that he considers himself a man. Oh, Sean. Help me out here. To be fair though, he’s very affectionate in a not gross way towards her and their body language (MINUS ONE ARM) seems comfortable.

Group date card arrival! Kristie, Katie, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Selma, Diana, Erin, Kacie, and Tierra (barf) are going to “capture the romance”. That’s thirteen. Thirteen women on a group date. Tierra’s pissed. Tierra looks like Latina Britney Spears.

Back on the date, they discuss past relationships and why they didn’t work blah blah blah. Then they head back up the helipad of the building they jumped off for more champagne. He gives her the rose and they kiss! They are blonde and cute.

Now we’re piling into limos for the group date! Most girls are euphoric while Tierra wears her best stank face. They pull up to an insane looking Beverly Hills chateau and Sean in a purple henley. Sean tells them they’ll be doing a photo shoot for covers of Harlequin romance novels. Kristy the Ford model goes insane at the idea. And taking a strange Top Model-esque turn, the girl they decide has the most “real chemistry” with Sean will grace the covers of three different books. Like, why? Why? How is that an incentive? This is one of the dumbest group dates ever.

The girls are grouped into four categories: cowgirls, sexy glam, vampires, and historical. Cowgirls are up first and do such sexual things as embracing on bales of hay, embracing next to a horse, embracing while feed a horse an apple flat-palmed safety-ways so fingers don’t get bitten off.

Everyone already hates Tierra and feels like she’s psycho-high-maintenance-judgmental-fake. Which she may very well be. She is very aggressive and already hates having to share Sean with anyone. This is her face. THIS IS HER FACE.

Kristy the Ford model really takes the reins on her shoot and does some good, sexy modeling, I think? Mr. Jay isn’t there to tell me if she’s too posey, so I have no real idea. But he liked her energy, and she wins the contract. How lucrative.

Now it’s pool party time! Pool party in cocktail attire! Leslie M. is the first to pull Sean away based on their chemistry from the photo shoot. She seems a little young to me and Sean seems like an old soul. They like each other, but they’re kind of awkward together. She’s giggling and he wants to kiss her but won’t and I don’t know. I’m uncomfortable.

As the girls “steal Sean for a second” one by one, Leslie musters up the courage to just take action and get that kiss. Go girl! Daniella is comically upset, but she’s got some cocktails in her so girlfriend’s gonna be alright.

Sean’s favorite thing is to put his hand on a lady’s leg protectively yet affectionately. He does this with Kacie who I’m obviously rooting for because I love her and want to be her friend. They agree that they’re going to explore if they have something. Good. Please let them having something.

Catherine is vegan and makes a joke that “I’m vegan but I love the beef.” And Sean thinks it is a TERRIFIC joke. Heavens, does he give a hearty guffaw over that. It might be the first joke he's ever heard and is delighted at the idea of comedy.

Then we cut to Tierra stuffing her face as she lays herself out on a chaise lounge in a dress covered in boob-fringe. Girl.  Boob fringe is not the way to secure a husband. Selma tries to include her but she refuses. Selma is trying to be nice, but Tierra’s hungry and busy ostracizing herself.

When they talk, Sean tries to reassure Tierra about the whole “process” and about not getting hung up on girl drama. He likes her. He likes her chutzpah. Which. Gross. Why is there always one gross girl that the Bachelor is just blinded by? Every time.

Katie the yoga instructor with amazing curly hair is uncomfortable with “the process”. She talks to Sean who immediately gives her his jacket when she says she’s cold. Swoon. She decides that she needs to go because it’s not the right setting for her. Which is fine and she did it early on and did it with dignity. So he walks her out. Good for her. And good for Sean for being such a gentleman about it. The other girls are just secretly glad to have one less lady around.

It’s rose time. Kacie is GUNNING for it. If he gives it to Tierra I’ll die. But he doesn’t! He gives it to Kacie. That’s my girl! Too bad Tierra says she wants to punch Kacie B. for winning the rose.

Now Sean meets up with the almighty Chrarrison to plan a prank to pull on poor unsuspecting Desiree for her one on one date.

It’s at an art gallery, and I swear to God Chris Harrison says the word “supposably” just like Joey in that one episode of Friends. The plan is for a “supposably” priceless work of art to break and for Desiree to think it’s all her fault! Oh! What droll fun that will be! I always thought this show should be more like Punk’d!

Desiree is just thrilled to be at an art gallery filled with people. That should’ve been her first trigger because never in the history of this show has a date occurred in the presence of other humans. They pull Sean away for an interview leaving Des alone in the room with the priceless work of art priced at $1.5 million. Back in the secret viewing room, Sean begins to regret pulling this heinous prank on really sweet girl.

Then the sculpture thing falls and shatters. Des is trying to keep a game face but is panicked. The actors are being super mean and accusatory to her. She feels terrible. THIS IS THE MOST FUN IMAGINABLE ON A FIRST DATE.

Sean comes in to save the day all, “It doesn’t matter what happened. I’m gonna support you. I’m always gonna support you.” WHICH SEEMS TO BE LAYING IT ON PRETTY THICK FOR A FIRST DATE, SEAN. She looks at him like he’s crazy.

 “But tonight I don’t have to, because these are actors!” he beams. Yes there is so much to be proud of with that stunt you ass.

Since Des took the prank so well, Sean decides it’s alright if she comes back to his place for dinner and a nice date that’s not having fun at her expense. How chivalrous.

Back at his bachelor pad, they have a steak, broccoli, and wild rice dinner. To be honest, that sounds delicious and low key and fun. As they get to know each other, they perpetuate this horrible idea that only people whose parents have successful relationships know how to love and can be good life partners. I’ll fly into a rage about that later, but for now, the two of them look very cozy. They get even cozier as they take a little hot tub time. Hot tub on a first date sounds horrible to me, but everyone on this show seems to love it.  

Des gets the rose and gives a long pause after he asked to accept the rose. She says the prank was rude but then she’s is pranking HIM and accepts ahahahahahah! MORE COMEDY.

At the cocktail party there is a truly horrifying display of cocktail attire from the ladies. Lindsay the wedding dress girl wants to save some face after wearing a WEDDING DRESS and getting a little too drunk the first night in the mansion. Sean pretends to be all very amused by it. They talk about, what else, family. It’s Sean’s favorite topic, so I think she pretty much secured her rose by sharing how much she wants a family.

Back in the living room with all the ladies, Amanda is wearing a pretty yellow dress and an angry face. And, they may have edited this, but she seems to be completely unresponsive to even a direct line of questioning. Very rude and negative.

Robyn is concerned about race and whether or not Sean is attracted to “black females” which is a pretty broad statement. Like, I’m not attracted to all Japanese males just like I’m not attracted to all Venezuelan males. But still, I can see her concern, and she bravely asks him outright.

Sean answers pretty honestly and openly with much the same sentiment. “It’s the mind, and it’s the woman behind the physical appearance,” he says. He’s attracted to who he’s attracted to, and, in fact, his last girlfriend was black. So he just makes the whole point moot and they move on. Man that made my heart swell a little.

Selma tries to teach him a little Arabic. I like her even more. She teaches him to say “you are very beautiful” and she’s just a nice woman and is very, very pretty.

Sour faced Amanda perks right up as soon as Sean steals her away, much to the chagrin of all the other women who think she is rude and mean and arrogant. All they can keep saying is the age-old adage that she’s “not here for the right reasons”.

Rose ceremony time. Sean is conflicted, but here’s who is safe.

Roses from previous dates: Sarah, Kacie B., Desiree.

Roses from tonight: Ashley, Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Leslie M., Selma, Catherine, Kristie, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda Drama Queen.

Leaving eliminated only two ladies, Brooke and Diana. That is so many women left that I’m concerned this will be an excruciatingly long process. We have much to look forward to in the drama department next week however as Tierra becomes even more territorial which is ironic considering her name means land in Spanish (it also means Earth and dirt which are also fitting).

See you next time!

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

       I have been prancing around and singing “Hometown dates! Hometown dates! Toniiiight aaare the hometown daaates!” all day long. It is time, journeyers, time to meet the families of these men. Their families that may make or break them. This cut is always the very hardest I think, and I’m saying right here right now at 6:53pm 7/2/2012, as I prepare to watch the beautiful mess, that Chris is going home tonight and will be the final mystery man on Bachelor Pad*.

              Let us begin! Emily gets to spend some much needed time with her adorable daughter Ricki who clings to her like a baby koala. Ricki is one seriously adorable child, and I love the little scenes where we get to see how great a mom Emily is. I really want this to work out for them.

Just in case you haven’t been paying attention all season long, Emily spends a good couple of minutes recapping each remaining relationship. It all boils down to these basic facts about Chris, Jef, Arie, and Sean: they are nice guys who make Emily feel special and have “qualities” that Emily would look for in a husband. The standouts are Arie and Jef, with Sean close behind, and Chris bringing up the far rear running and waving his arms to be noticed and practically shouting, “HEY! Remember me?!” Emily is a good deal nervous for these dates though, and can we blame her? Meeting someone’s family is hard enough, but with a full camera crew and the knowledge that the whole event will be aired on television, the nerves would be pretttyyy high.

                  First stop is Chris! We get a lot of sweeping shots of the sexy, sexy beast that is Chicago in all its glory. Chris is a big fart, but Emily and he reunite in front of the historic Water Tower because “it’s the closest thing we have to a castle”. Which…false. Has he ever heard of a little thing called the Prairie District? They walk hand in hand down Michigan Avenue like happy tourists. Mr. Sam the Eagle actually made me chuckle at his comment that “On a scale from one to Polish...we’re Polish,” re: his first generation immigrant family. As a second gen-er myself, I can really relate, but I sure hope the Bukowski’s do us proud.

         At the famous Chicago eatery “Polish-American Restaurant”, they have a heart-to-heart about the last discussion they had in Prague. She thinks it’s so nice that Chris is man enough to admit when he’s wrong, but I think he acts like a big baby in time out and only apologizes when he feels he won’t get his way.

Deep in the farm lands far, far away from the city itself is where we find Chris’s family home. They welcome her with open arms and gather around a full dinner table for the meeting. I do believe I spy some pierogis on the table and several other Polish dishes that NO ONE WILL TOUCH BECAUSE THEY DON’T EAT ON THIS SHOW.

His dad, John, pulls Emily aside to talk to her. He’s a sweet man who, of course, loves his son very much. When Emily asks him if he’s ready to be a father to Ricki, he answers, “He will do his best”. As he’s talking, you can see that the apple did not fall far from the tree. John has the exact same mannerisms as Chris when he talks.

Chris’ very lovely mom makes sure he knows that “if you really love this woman, then you’ve got to get out there and kick ass and fight for her.” Chris’ sister Renee puts Emily under fire that if he is not the one and will end up broken hearted, that she should let him go “sooner rather than later”. Harsh words, but knowing Emily, she will do what her heart tells her and be merciful in the breakup.

      Emily and Chrissy have a cuddles moment outside in which Emily is physically pulling away from him. He tells her that he is “Definitely in love with her” and then they have more than just a few grandma kisses. Then, BLESS MY SOUL, there is a traditional Polish band and dance in the family’s backyard! So cute and fun! It should be noted that for however good we are at cooking and embroidery, we are not the best at making good music. And so ends the hometown with Chris. Nothing too groundbreaking on either a good or bad side, but I just don’t think this guy has a snowball’s chance in hell.

      St. George, Utah! All aboard! Jef’s family ranch is huge and surrounded by a national park. Holmstead Ranch is a sweeping masterpiece of landscape that they travel about in an ATV. I’m so jealous on so many levels.

And then they go skeet shootin’! “Who knew Jef in his skinny jeans was such a good shot?” Who knew, indeed, Emily? She’s nervous because he hit all the clay pigeons, but I have faith in our West Virginia girl. She hits them all, and goes, “I may or may not have pretended not to know how to hold a shot gun!” She uses a whole bunch of other guns like a pro. I don’t know why this endears me to her so much, but it really does. Jef and she have such a good thing going on here. They have that easy going thing where they can do anything at all and still have fun.

         Emily’s still hung up on the fact that Jef once broke up with a girl because his family didn’t like her. She is going to have to “work her charm” which is true, but I can’t imagine her Southern graces failing her at all.

Holy Mormonism, y’all. Jef has a ton of family members and sisters with babies on their hips. So many. So many like a beautiful army, and it’s not even all of them. It reminds me of that sketch from Portlandia where Fred and Carrie go to the free-range chicken farm, Aliki Farms, and join the commune as they fall in love with Aliki, and Jef is Aliki in this case.

     This time the fake-meal is a beautiful family picnic, and we’re assured that the toast is a “lemonade toast” because they are super Mormon. I’m a little disappointed that Jef’s brothers are nowhere near as good looking or cool as he is.

Emily keeps fidgeting and adjusting her clothes during her talk with Jef’s brother Steve. She is super nervous about making a good impression on them because she cares so much about him. The chat with the sisters was kind of like a firing range on the View. So many women sitting and grilling Emily and all agreeing he’d be a good father. At the very end, one of the little beans interrupts, and the children flock to her. She just fits right in and wins eeeverybody over. The family all give her two thumbs up, at least to camera.\

      Oh no, Jef wrote down some things that he will read to her now at this very scenic lookout. Hopefully, it’s less bad than Ryan’s horrible letters. Oh. Ok. It is better. It’s a list of things he loves about her and gets choked up about it. I might get the goose bumps because oh.my.gosh. It’s so sweet. He lists all the very little things he loves and promises to love Ricki too. I can’t believe that’s real. That’s a real thing. “It feels perfect inside my heart,” is how Emily sums it up.

Arie-time! Arie time! We meet up with him at the racetrack in Arizona! “I just wanted him to park the car so I could kiss him...Arie definitely looks...stupid hot,” Emily says when he finally gets out of the Indy car. Girl, you got it good right now. They go racing around the track together for funzies.

    At a little picnic, Arie reveals that he’s nervous for his very European (Dutch) parents to meet Emily. He warns that his mother will be the most closed-minded about the whole thing which spurs the little lovebirds to drink! Yay wine! Also yay to the phallic symbol fountain that we admire from afar and up close.

We meet Arie senior, his mom, his twin (SQUEE) brothers, and his lovely sister. They are one beautiful family. Leave it to the Dutch to be stunning. The conversation seems nice until they all start speaking in Dutch in front of her. “So rude!” quoth my friend Jenny, and I must agree. Finally, FINALLY, Arie breaks down and translates for her. It was general small talk, but still, a rude and unwelcoming thing to do.

      Arie’s mom is a little bit...risqué? Is that the word we want? She’s wearing a dress that accentuates her bust and shows her sequined bra strap. She is very tan. This is purely judgmental, but she seems like the crazy lady who is a gold-digger but hires a sexy pool boy to seduce while her husband’s away.

Emily and she have a standard conversation about whether or not Arie is ready for fatherhood. But she does level with Emily that being married to a racecar driver is a difficult life with how much they travel. By the end, the woman has kind of won me over, and she says, “I can’t wait for her to choose him, and they can be together.  They will make an awesome couple!”

    Coming out of the date, the “awesome couple” feel great about how the meeting went. It seems like the best hometown date so far. No shocker there. “I am ready to propose. I am definitely going to marry Emily, and I don’t think of it any other way,” proclaims Arie, and hearts all over America melt to goo.

Last stop, Dallas! We come upon smokin’ Sean and his sexy, sexy dogs. They walk the dogs and pick wildflowers and do some generally cute stuff.

      Some secret drama happens with Sean later, and we here at HQ are speculating that it is either a “Jane Eyre” Mr. Rochester deal where he’s keeping his crazy wife in the attic or it’s a “Psycho” special where he’s keeping his dead mother’s corpse in the basement. Attic or basement? Basement or attic? Time will reveal...

We meet his beautiful blonde family including two lovely moppets. His niece Kensington (seriously?) has a playhouse, but it is like a legit miniature house complete with its own air conditioning unit. It’s called Kensington Cottage which really triggers the old gag reflex. Of course, Emily wins her right over with cooing over the place.

     OH MY GOSH! IT’S PRACTICALLY AN ATTIC BOMB THAT SEAN DROPS! IT’S THE BIGGEST BOMB  THAT SEAN STILL LIVES AT HOME! HE IS 28 AND STILL LIVES AT HOME! HE HASN’T EVEN CLEANED UP.

Wait. He’s got to be pulling a practical joke. There are stuffed animals everywhere and broken cookies. This is an elaborate joke. THANK GOD! It IS a joke. Emily is indignant and kind of barely laughs because she was so sure that he was serious.

       Sean’s family is, of course, incredibly sweet and gracious. His father just has that kind of lovely glow and seems like a pastor/guidance counselor. He is a great man who just adores Emily and would welcome her into that family. His mother is equally kind and sweet.

Yet another great hometown on the bill. So great in fact that Sean chases after her car to give her just a few more kisses at the other side of the cul-de-sac. Sadly, we only see them from a distance because the camera guy couldn’t quite run there fast enough.    

Chris Harrison, dapper as ever, greets Emily for the rose ceremony in Los Angeles. Emily’s hair is high and close to God tonight, yeehaw. They recap everything that happened on the hometowns. Each one went really well and she loved all the families which is why she starts to breakdown talking about the cut she has to make. Like I said, this is the toughest cut to make, and she doesn’t want anyone’s family to think it was because of them.

   Here we go with the rose ceremony. First up is Arie in the least surprising event of all time. Next we got Sir Jef, Prince of the Goblins of Holmstead Ranch. Now it’s down to Sean and Chris......................it’s Sean! It’s Sean! Chris literally slumps in defeat when the ax falls.

He spits, “I’m not too surprised, to be honest with you.” And is really taking this like a dick and kind of disrespects her as she’s being so gracious to him. “I mean, how much faster could it move?! I told you that I loved you!” he interrupts, and she’s totally taken aback. I think it probably only solidified her decision in letting him fly. On his bye-bye limo ride he says he’s ten times the man than any of those men left in there to which I say HAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!  NOT THE TRUTH. “Stimt nicht” as they say auf Deutsh.

     But next week on the show we’re traveling to Curacao. Yet another place the gents can’t find on a map! There are a lot of very pretty sunset water kisses and swimming with dolphins and a very emotional breakdown for Emily. It’s also fantasy suit time you guys which means sexy, sexy kiss, kiss time.

I don’t normally bring up the final credits scene, but this was so exceptional. It featured Sean’s adorable, dorky dad. He pulls a Texas specialty out of the oven covered in tin foil, and tells Emily it’s Sean’s favorite. He reveals “steamed armadillo”! Like, a whole armadillo laying in a roasting pan of vegetables.  Emily, again, tries to be such a Southern lady until the dad squeals out that it’s just a joke! He giggles along with the rest of the family members. His dad totally keeps that fake armadillo around just to pull this joke on any and all northerners who come to their house. And for him, it never gets old. It was really his time to shine, and boy did he ever. Sean’s dad is the best!

Until we connect again next week, y’all!

*Turns out my super sleuthing logic skills were right. Chris Bukowski joins the upcoming season of the Bachelor Pad. Click here for more information on the full cast!

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

“I’m gonna frickin’puke…or cry,” – Carly, Cruise Ship Singer

I will not be recapping the Chris Tells All special becausewhat is there to tell, really? There is not much. There is not much to Chris and not much inside Chris’s burnt umber colored head, so there is not much to tell from inside it. We also get to hear Kelsey’s side of the story to which I say a hearty, “NO THANK YOU.” And Andi will be here to rip open the fresh wound from her split with Josh. It’s an hour of my life I wish I had back, frankly, so I won’t put you through it as well.

I will however be putting you through the remaining four hours of The Bachelor I watched this week. I will be recapping the full episodes, which starts back in Deadwood, South Dakota with the rose ceremony. I’m two glasses of wine deep already. We’ll see how this goes.

At the rose ceremony, Chris does have a little cocktail party to give all the women one last chance to speak their minds with him. And in his time with Megan, she asks him bluntly how he feels about her and if their relationship is at the same level with the others. Chris shoots her straight and basically tells her no. And she goes home right there and then. No rose ceremony for her. Megan is beautiful and sweet, and gives one of the most graceful exit interviews yet. Take luck, Megan, you sweet, simple baby!

Despite Megan going home already, there’s still a rose ceremony to go through. Chrarrison breaks the news that yet one more woman will be leaving the pack tonight. Chris and Chrarrs step aside to have an intimate discussion, but before they even sit down, Chris stops Chrarrs to say he doesn’t think he can do this.

“I have such a strong connection with each of the women in there,” Chris says.

The women are all freaking out that one more person will still be leaving. Carly is especially nervous, and when Kaitlyn asks how she’s doing Carly replies, “Like I’m gonna frickin’ puke…or cry.” WHAT A GEM! Haven’t we all felt just that way so many times? Like we’re gonna frickin’ puke or cry? I know that I’ve done both at the same time before! So this is a fair assessment of one’s emotions, Carly.

Just then, Chris comes back in the room to announce that there will in fact not be a rose ceremony tonight. The women heave a collective sigh of relief. Chris then tells all the women that they will be traveling to Iowa for the next week. The way they react is as if Tyra just told all the remaining models that they’re going to Sydney or Beijing. But it’s not Sydney or Beijing, it’s IOWA. Not that Iowa is the scourge of the Earth exactly, but I’m not stoked out of my mind to go there.

The girls are staying in Des Moines and are surprised that Iowa actually has trees and is pretty. The girls are staying in a VERY Modest Ass Suite, and are all freaking out about two things. The first is that next week is hometowns which means the pressure is mounting to really forge your connection with Chris aka tell him you're falling in love with him. The second is that this is Chris’s hometown date, essentially, and the pressure is on to find enjoyment here and really picture yourself spending your life here. If you told me I had to spend the rest of my life in Des Moines, I could probably muster through and find a way to thrive. But Arlington? ARLINGTON? IT IS A NOTHING PLACE WITH ZERO TOPOGRAPHY BECAUSE IT WAS FLATTENED BY A GLACIER DURING THE PREVIOUS ICE AGE. I MEAN I ASSUME IT WAS MUCH LIKE THE REST OF MY GLACIAL FLATLAND HOME STATE OF ILLINOIS. I WOULD DIE. I WOULD JUST WITHER AWAY LIKE A RAISIN IN THE SUN. DOES THAT WORK IN THIS SCENARIO? I DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT FEELS RIGHT. SORRY LANGSTON, IF I’M TAKING THAT TOO FAR OUT OF CONTEXT AND USING ONE OF YOUR MOST FAMOUS LINES IN A RECAP OF THE BACHELOR, BUT IT’S MY TRUTH.

Brit finds the very first date card, and it goes to Jade. It reads simply, “Join me in my hometown.” All the women are impressed with how much this means. There is a beauty in the farm stretching for miles and miles down the road, and yet, and yet…it’s all corn. Jade is overwhelmed by how much corn she’s seeing despite being from Nebraska. She acknowledges that being from a small town doesn’t put her “too much in the clouds” about the romanticism of small town life.

Chris shows Jade all around his house. “Chris’s house definitely has a bachelor feel…It’s not too bad, just needs a little tweaking,” she giggles.  Like, maybe, perhaps, and I’m just spit-balling here, a single thing to hang on the walls. And maybe, again, just a suggestion, ANY color other than grey, white, or shades of beige. Chris’s house is fifty shades of beige. 

I am never going to apologize for that joke.

Back at the Very Modest Ass Suite, Whitney gets the second one-on-one which will go down in Des Moines. The other women are very jealous, especially Brit. Brit was jealous of Jade because she gets to go really see Arlington, and she’s still very jealous of Whitney for getting a chance to spend so much time with him. She’s overcome with jealousy.

Chris, on the other hand, is giving Jade the most depressing tour in the history of the world. He’s showing her around the dilapidated remains of downtown Arlington and talking about how machines replaced people in the work force and how every shop in town is closed. There’s even a little “shop” that opens in the morning where his dad gets coffee and it’s just a guy who brews coffee and has people over to drink coffee. It’s like looking at those Dorthea Lange photos of the Dust Bowl, but on ABC during prime time.

Jade is horrified, but is trying to make Chris feel better about the place he comes from.

“Arlington just feels like this little ghost town,” she says. And as she’s waxing poetic about how deserted the whole town feels, they motorcycle over to the local high school to watch the football game. Everyone is there. It’s…grim. I want to tell you it feels just like Dillon, Texas and Friday Night Lights, but it. Does. Not.

Then Jade gets to meet Chris’s parents standing in the bleachers. WHAT ON EARTH? I remember really loving Chris’s mom, but I still feel so weird about this date. The sad poetry of the band playing the national anthem very poorly, as directed by a man with a ponytail, and filled out by members of the football team still in gear and playing trumpets…it’s…I mean…wow.

As if the football game wasn't enough, they then take a tour of the high school. Jade reveals that she was a bit of a rebel in high school and had a tough time. Chris is surprised by this and really wants to see that wild side she’s referring to. Jade almost tells Chris about something secret from her past but doesn’t quite. Then they make out in front of the lockers by his old English classroom.

“What we were doing had nothing to do with English,” Chris says, “It felt a lot more like French.” I wish this show wouldn’t try to forge moments of comedy. They’re already there.

It’s a beautiful, sunny morning in Des Moines, and Chris and Whitney are excited to spend the day together. He takes Whitney to an art gallery because apparently Des Moines is into Art, and Chris wants to get into art too. They go through a gallery of photographs about love to get them inspired to “make their own art” around the city documenting their love. Barf no thank youuu. Whitney loves it though and sees it as a great opportunity to kiss.

In the Very Modest Ass Suite, a storm’s a brewing as per usual. Jade tells the other women about her date and when she gets to the part where they kissed in the football field to a chanting crowD, Britt puts on a big show about that making her cry. Carly is not amused. Carly says, “Britt thinks she’s the Bachelorette and she needs to be number one.” I don’t know if that’s true, but Britt certainly likes attention. Then Carly convinces all the other girls to go on a road trip to Arlington to see the reality of life there and what that might mean. It’s a full three hours away from Des Moines too which is a solid road trip distance.

As the car ride drags on, the girls’ enthusiasm dwindles. They arrive in deserted Arlington and are stunned to find that “that’s it.” They drove through in just a few seconds. There’s nothing more to the town than what they see, and they are distraught. There is nothing open in town whatsoever. They even resort to asking some locals where to eat. A nice, older man in a Call of Duty shirt (who ends up being the town pastor) tells them there’s nowhere in Arlington to eat. Britt is overwhelmed by just how small the town is.

Back in Des Moines, Chris and Whitney get dinner in a hip restaurant. Whitney even gets to meet three of Chris’s best friends. She feels so lucky to get to meet his friends and see Chris how he would be if they spend their lives together. Whitney answers all their questions with flying colors.

The women return to Des Moines to tell Jade that she was right. Arlington is small and depressing. Britt, despite her earlier protestations, has decided that she could in fact see herself there because the sunset was so beautiful. Carly doesn’t buy that one little bit; no she does not. Carly is flabbergasted at how “fake” Britt is being because earlier in the day, Britt had told Kaitlyn and Carly how there is no way she could survive in Arlington. Now she’s singing a very different tune, and Carly is miffed.

I think what we have here with Carly is a multi-faceted situation. I think, firstly, Carly is entertaining. She gives a great sound byte and is funny and entertaining without trying too hard. I also think that Carly is suffering from good old fashioned jealousy here. Knowing Carly’s insecurities, and relating to them personally myself, I can see how a lot of this anti-Britt sentiment might actually just be resentment and jealousy of the connection Britt obviously shares with Chris. We also have the unseen producers playing a hand in all this drama. I’m unsure how much of it is real, and how much is being amplified by the urging of and editing by the producers.

Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn are going on a group date together. “I see our future together,” reads the date card. Carly’s anti-Britt sentiments really take a turn for the insane when she draws a little face on her hand and makes it talk like Britt. “After tomorrow, the only thing you’re going to be left with is your rose colored lipstick,” Carly threatens to her own hand. It’s a bonkers move, to be sure, but I again have to question whether this was Carly’s brainchild or at the behest of the producers.

Whitney and Chris’s date is still happening for anyone who cares. She was great. Chris loved it. She loved it. Who cares? Those two will take care of themselves. One important thing to note is that Whitney tells Chris that she doesn’t have a relationship with her father at all, and that her mother died tragically. She tells the story without begging for sympathy or being maudlin. It’s impressive. I really like Whitney. Chris does too. He’s so impressed by her at every turn.

The final surprise of the date is that Chris (the producers) chose his favorite picture of their day to get slapped on the wall outside of the restaurant as a mural. It looks better than just a photo pasted on a wall, there are some blocks of color and they are outline in black and white. Whitney is blown away, and Chris is quite proud of himself (the producers).

“This is the most amazing moment of my entire life,” Whitney gushes. She and Chris kiss a bunch. And in this moment, Whitney believes she’s officially in love with Chris.

Jade is starting to be really weighed down by a secret she has, so she sets out to get the weight off her shoulders. She decides to confide in our trusty friend Carly and ask for advice on how to talk to Chris about it.

“A couple years ago, I did some nude modeling for Playboy,” Jade reveals.

A big fat, “Really?” is all we get out of Carly. The conversation actually goes as well as one could hope. Jade’s main concern is that Chris finds out from her so she can explain everything, rather than him finding out through some other means. She’s also very concerned about his family’s reaction and that they don’t judge her too harshly for the decisions she made in the past.

Now it’s time for the very last group date of the season. Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt are surprised by Chris standing at center ice of an ice rink in a huge stadium. The group date rose is what everyone is most concerned with, but I’m concerned with the fact that Britt seems to have lost the bottom half of all her shirts. Does she own any shirts that aren’t crop tops? Isn't her midriff always cold? 

They all skate around very poorly and try to play hockey. Chris is very, very bad at skating. It’s delightful to watch that giant man fall over and over again. But after the fun, we get to see Britt’s one-on-one time with Chris.

They stand on an intricate pedestrian bridge over the river as Britt reveals that they snuck away to Arlington the day before. Carly and Kaitlyn are griping back on the ice about how they know she’s probably lying her face off right now to Chris about liking the broke-ass small town he’s from.

We see Britt telling Chris how the sunset over the cornfields made her fall in love with the idea of living there. And we see Carly hamming it up pretending to be Britt saying she “really loved it!” The parallel structure of Carly mocking Britt and then Britt doing exactly those things is pretty fun. We can’t blame Carly for bringing some much needed entertainment factor here.

“He’s just getting lies fed to him like frickin’ candy,” Carly says.

I don’t think Britt realizes she’s lying. Her story has stayed the same from yesterday to today of saying that at first she was really not ok with how small a town it was, and then the beauty of nature changed her mind. I think she thinks that’s true. But she is over-romanticizing it. The reality is that Arlington IS that small, and there is NOTHING to do there. She will very quickly get slapped back into that reality no matter how many beautiful sunsets you can see from the farm.

But Carly is convinced that Brit is just playing Chris. She thinks Britt is straight up lying to him and being “fake.” She’s so convinced of this, in fact, that she decides to confront Chris about it. To which I say NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO PLEASE! WE SAW JUST LAST WEEK HOW IT NEVER PAYS TO BE THE WHISTLE BLOWER ON SOMEONE ELSE. Carly just worry about Carly! Don’t get so caught up in what Britt’s doing!

But she does. As soon as Carly and Chris sit down, she tells him everything about how Britt said she could never picture herself living there and then changed her tune so drastically. She then gets choked up saying, “I’m just really freaked out for you because I know you like her a lot, so just be careful.”

Chris thanks her for this and confides to camera that he takes seriously what Carly said.

“It was a real bomb what Carly just dropped,” he says. Chris determines to ask Britt about Arlington one more time to really see whether or not she’s lying.

Cut to the cocktail party held at a very cool antique salvage store/coffee shop into which the set dressers planted their myriad Pier 1 lanterns. Would you venture to believe that Britt is wearing a crop top? She is! Believe it!

Chris and Britt steal away first, with Chris set on confronting her about the Arlington Issue. Britt describes what a hometown date with her family might look like with everyone eating off paper plates in the living room. See? Britt’s family is just like as cool and chill and so offbeat as Britt. They like, aren’t like other families.

This time, when determining the validity of another woman’s statements, Chris does not throw Carly under the bus. He does some surprisingly good sleuthing by asking Britt again what her very first impression of his town was. She gives some cutesy answer like “is this the town before the town?!” He prods a little farther asking if at any point she was like, “Holy s**t, no way.”

To which Britt responds, “No. I was never like that but there was a shock factor.” So right there she reveals to Chris that she is lying. Because he trusts Carly, as do I, that Britt said something along the lines of “there’s no way I could live here” to both Kaitlyn and Carly.

So Chris knows she’s lying, BUT WHAT WILL HE DO WITH THAT INFORMATION. Nothing it turns out because Britt then says, “No matter where I am I wanna be a mom.” So Chris kisses her and they do a lot of gross, smacky kissing.

Kaitlyn proves to be very astute in saying that she doesn’t think Britt is lying to Chris so much as lying to herself about what she wants. Glad to know you agree with me Kaitlyn. We’re on the same page. Kaitlyn gets pulled away next and is determined to not be distracted by Britt. She reveals that she’s having a hard time because she knows they have a connection, but wants to make sure they are in a good place going forward. I like this honest, emotionally vulnerable look on her.

Chris does too, and so he goes to grab the date rose. Chris wants Kaitlyn to feel secure in the connection they have going into Hometowns. That is the most cliché Bachelor sentence in the world, and yet, it happened. This show is a parody of itself.

But, uh oh, don’t get too happy just yet. The dramatic music in a minor key starts up as we pan over the look of fury plastered upon Britt’s face. Britt pissed, y’all.

Britt pissed.

Britt so pissed she flipping her hair and cracking her knuckles and interrupting her fellow contestants as well as Chris. There is a siren blaring in the background to perfectly accent the temper tantrum she’s throwing.

And then Britt starts in on a rant about how she felt the day went really well for her and she opened herself up so much and she is really in a vulnerable place and how could Chris NOT give her the rose after saying how much she wanted him to meet her family? DOES BRITT NOT KNOW HOW THE SHOW WORKS?

She continues though! She then goes on about how she doesn’t want to feel like she’s second, third, or fourth place to anyone. She wants to feel that her husband puts her at number one. She wants to make sure that her husband really, really wants her above anyone else.

AGAIN, DOES BRITT NOT KNOW HOW THE SHOW WORKS?

THAT’S THE SHOW BRITT. IT ISN’T JUST YOU. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THERE DATING THE EXACT SAME GUY, SO SOME DAYS, YOUR “FUTURE HUSBAND” WANTS ANOTHER WOMAN MORE THAN YOU BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS A FABRICATION AND BASTARDIZATION OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

Chris fumbles through a defense of his actions, but is ultimately confused by what Britt’s saying to him.

“Like, if you feel like you don’t want to be here anymore? I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m picking up right now,” he says.

“What would you say to that? I mean just speaking to me,” Britt replies. Carly is sitting directly next to Britt on the couch and keeps having to avert her eyes from the beyond uncomfortable situation playing out before her.

I’ve never seen something quite like this happen on the show before.

Chris continues to stumble through that he’s just confused by the position Britt is trying to put him in by saying these things. But then he really finds his ground.

“I don’t know what else there is to say. And out of respect to Carly and Kaitlyn, I don’t think there’s really anything else I can say to you right now. This is just one more chapter in this whole entire journey, and there’s tomorrow. And so I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow. Goodnight.”

Chris basically drops the mic and walks out.

This once again leaves the three women alone to process through exactly what just happened. What DID just happen? Kaitlyn stands up for herself saying that what Britt just did made her feel really bad. Britt apologizes saying that wasn’t her intention and then just whines more about how she feels like she never gets the focus time and again.

Carly has had a few glasses of wine at this point and is exclaiming all her statements like, “You have so much focus on you! It was just you last week! You had all the focus!” and “If anyone should be worried here, it’s Carly Waddell.” Guys, I still love Carly. I want her to know she deserves better than the likes of Chris Soules.

As Carly and Kaitlyn catch the other girls up on the drama, Britt weeps to camera about how badly she feels for putting the other girls in the middle of that. She is still so unsure whether or not she wants to bring Chris home to meet her father.

I believe that Britt is feeling conflicted and feels bad about hurting the other girls. I think her personality is really affected and put-on, but I don’t think she’s a bad, manipulative person. I think Carly is being a bit of a Mean Girl in regards to the whole situation and she may have to atone for these actions at the Women Tell All.

And with that, I bid you a quick adieu because the next episode is about to start! WHAT?! IT’S TOO SOON. OH GOD.

Henley Monday -

I thought it imperative that this feature come out of retirement when no less than three separate people sent me this photo. Not only does it feature my No. 1 Beefcake Chris Evans, but the henley he is wearing is of utmost majesty. It is practically painted onto his perfect body that exemplifies the ideal male physique and I WANT TO LICK IT OFF OF HIM. OH, TO BE THAT TINY TAKEOUT BAG IN HIS MANLY GRIP!

Ahem.

In summation:

HUMMINA, HUMMINA, HUMMINA!

Henley Monday -

This week Liam Hemsworth, the youngest of the Hemsworth acting dynasty and the future Mr. Destiny Hope "Miley" Cyrus, shows us the true utilitarian nature of the henley. While out running errands for what appears to be an enormous dog,the hunky Australian who plays "The Hunger Games'" Gale sports a beige, buttoned-up henley.

He looks good. He looks strong. He looks like the kind of man who knows what kind of dog food to buy. He's the kind of man who can run his own errands without a shopping list. He's the kind of man who buys his dog a new dog bed just because he felt like it. He's the kind of man who would rather bust a vein in his arm than make two trips to the car with his stuff.

If that's any indication of how he'd treat a lady, Ms. Miley is a lucky little star indeed. Billy Ray, too. He's going to need a lot of senior-care in his old age.

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap "The Men Tell All"

Oh, God. I’m going to start by postulating that I am far too sober to endure this. The Men Tell All is typically a little less exciting, less titillating and a little drier and more self-righteous, BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY: Juan Pablo will be back. Hope does indeed spring eternal, as they say. And we did have quite our fair share of drama this season, so full of hope I am.

Ok chiquitos, let’s dive in.

Chris Harrison jogs out onto his dais of hosting to give us a lil preview of the fun to come. But first we shall show a video package of Chris and Des crashing some Bachelorette viewing parties. Lots of people drinking wine and screaming is all that happens. Holla to that real cute dog in one house!

Oh hold up! They cut right to my nougat core when Ashley and JP trot out to assist in party crashing! I do love them! Then the Mesnick’s come and whatever. And TRISTAAA! The Orignial Bachelorette and one of the very only success stories the show has ever had.

To desperately fill the two hour time slot, we sit down with Ashley, Emily, and Ali of Bachelorette fame to discuss “Bad Boys” (?????). This season certainly had more jerkwads than usual: Brian, Ben, and James were all dirt bags. I do like those girls though; they basically just tell Des to speak her mind and put any guy trying to pull shenanigans in his place.

At minute 20 of this carnival, we finally introduce all the guys present and accounted for. James gets booed. Ben gets booed. Juan Pablo is greeting by uproarious cheers AS IS HIS RIGHT. Zak W. looks like he got a brand new varnish and is now the shade of your dad’s favorite pair of loafers.

You guys I cannot handle my shit with Juan Pablo. I cannot. I know that all you other ladies feel the same because they talk to him WAY MORE than they did on the show because they had no idea what a good thing they had going. Juan Pablo, mi amor, yo puedo darte todo el amor y pasión que necesitas en la vida y a tu hija querida, seré mamá. Por favor, elige yo por su media naranja. BESOS (shout out to my bilingual homies who don’t need no Google translate).

In the package that recaps the show up to this point Kasey says, re: Desiree, “She’s a very wholesome, very pure girl which makes her all the more attractive.” I will not even get started on how horrible and backwards this fucking sentence is but it makes me mad enough to drop the first ever f-bomb in these recaps. THIS AIN’T YO MAMA’S RECAP WHERE THE FEMALE DOUBLE STANDARD OF PURITY VS. SHAMEFUL SLUT IS CONCERNED.

Kasey says “wholesome and pure” a couple more times. I violently vomit. Kasey might be more of a villain to me than Ben in terms of being annoying and backwards thinking and so self-righteous oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Diving right into the Brian with a secret girlfriend situation Chris says, “We invited Brian to be here to own up to what he had done. He chose not to. So we’re gonna chose to talk about him.” Oh Chris, so droll. Everyone agrees he was an asshole with questionable motives. The end.

I’m pulling my hair like a crazed, sycophantic girl experiencing Beatlemania as Juan Pablo talks about how weird it is that Ben saw it as a competition because he just knew that in the end it was Desiree who was calling all the shots about who she wanted to be with. He could win the Lone Ranger competition, but that doesn’t mean he wins her heart. JuanPablomania.

Ben’s time in the hot seat is up. Ugh. This bowl of oatmeal again. They show a lot of footage of him in the Tank Top of Doom: The Tank Top’s Revenge. I had forgotten what a psychopath he came off as in the limo as he left the show.

Mikey shares a nice sentiment that you should be the same man around your friends as you are around your girlfriend when Ben says one is always a different guy around a girl. Juan Pablo thinks he’s crazy; Brandon the guy who said “I love you” way too soon thinks he’s a politician; Dan Oatmeal has a big opinion because he says that Ben’s son’s mother approached Dan in Vegas. Lots of accusations being slung around the room about Ben possibly cheating on a girlfriend with his son’s mom. How’s that for complicated?

Then Chris decides to bring the other two dads into the conversation. Zak immediately brings up Juan Pablo and you guys, dare I speak it ere it come true, but they seem to be painting a pretty rosy picture of JP and they MIGHT just be setting him up to be the next Bachelor. MAYBE.

Regardless, Zak says you can tell how much JP loves his daughter because he thought of almost nothing else, in a loving way. Ben as a father on the other hand…everyone on Twitter and the Internet in general was right that the moment a guy toted his kid out on the first night, he painted himself as a royal asshole. T-Swift knows what I’m sayin.

James is up in the hot seat now. He repulses me in every way. Even if his personality was sparkling and not made of slime, I would still be repulsed by his beef-neck, juice head, beady little eyes and pointy nose. After trying and failing to justify the things that he said about being the next bachelor and what would happen when they aren’t on the show, he just comes off worse and worse. The reaction faces of the women in the audience are perfect “Hell no!”, “I’m sorry, what?” and “You are totally whack bro” faces.

Now we bring Mikey in to level about that infamous conversation that happened in Germany. How surprised are you that Kasey butts in and things escalate quickly? Not surprised at all? You are very smart. It’s the same fight that’s happened over and over. I honestly dislike Kasey more than Mikey at this point.

And you James? No. Just no. You better watch yourself around the mean streets of Chicago because so help me if I see you I will internally scream and then fumble for my phone to snag a shaky pic of you and send it to all my friends and focus so much negative energy your way. So, YEAH. Look out.

IT’S TIME FOR NON-STOP JUAN PABLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I get that long awaited moving shot of Juan Pablo in a swimsuit and then they show him dancing and all this long lost footage of him talking to his daughter and talking about his daughter and talking about having more kids. I just. You guys. Juan Pablo is my everything.

The questions Chrarrison asks JP are inconsequential because the answer always comes around to his daughter Camila. It’s all about her. I like that he’s a very devoted dad, but I have to wonder if there’s anything more to him. Is he just living off his professional soccer player money? What does he do during the week when he’s not with Camila? Would he ever consider marrying me? How often does he go back to Venezuela to see his family? What are his likes? His dislikes? How can I use those to my advantage to win his heart? These are the questions I’m asking myself while ogling his majestic face.

Sadly our time with Juan Pablo has come to an end and now we must talk to our antique leather football helmet Zak. He actually had more of a connection with Des than I gave him credit for, despite being a self-described buffoon. He clearly felt a lot for her because he bought her a promise ring, told her he loved her, then was very sad when he got dumped.

Zak has a surprisingly good sense of humor about himself. He admits that he is a bold guy who comes on “a little strong”. He admits that he’s very enthusiastic and that he’s sad about how hard it is to meet people. Oh, Zak, just when I think I could make fun of you forever you go and make me feel sad for you.

Surprise poetry corner! Remember that journal he gave Desiree in the beginning? Well he wrote a poem in invisible ink in the last few pages and we shall read it for you now.

Love is it

The only reason to open your home to a stranger

The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom

No risk is too great

No apprehension justifiable

All hope is rooted in it

Because love is our only hope for happiness

And I am happy to say – this is love

Now, it may not be Byron. It may not be Keats. But that is far and away more of a real poem than that watery thin gruel of “poetry” that Chris spoon feeds Desiree every week. Zak admits he is still in love with Des. Hoo buoy.

And just like that Desiree arrives in a gold spangley dress Tina Turner would surely envy. They recap what I’ve already recapped about the drama from Jonathan the fantasy suite guy, to Brian the adulterer, to Ben the butthead. Desiree asserts that she felt Ben was insincere and can feel him trying to put forth a persona that people will like. She also confronts James for being manipulative and combative.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Zak W wrote her a song and there is a guitar sitting next to him. Oh and he’s picking it up! Desiree actually gasps, “oh, no!” as he approaches her on the dais to perform his broken heart song. Oh let me die. Let me die before I have to see and hear this. Oh NO. Zak NOOOO.

Zak has a lovely country singing voice. Sincerely. It’s not my kind of song and he has a heavy twang, but this is a song he could sell to any current country artist. There are women actually crying in the audience. Stop crying. Desiree gives him a hug to say thank you.

Then Chrarrison announces with the most excitement he can muster, “Everybody’s favorite part of this show: bloopers.” I laugh out loud for real at some of the goings on. Click here to view it and enjoy the more candid moments of the show

The preview for the “Bachelorette shocking two part finale” is up next. Weird things are afoot. Extenuating circumstances methinks are the cause of all the strife happening and not one guy necessarily being an ass. Chrarrison knows that he has said the words “the most emotionally wrought finale ever” but this time he means it. There are tears happening all over the place. What is going on?! What will happen?!

I can’t wait. Thanks for checking in and I’ll see you all next Wednesday for the recap of the first part of the finale. Until then, check me out at @chasspod. Journey on, journeyers!

Henley Monday -

Welcome back to your job after a very long holiday weekend! It's gong to be a long, hard week, friends, but I know you can make it through.

If you need a little boost on this, the most heinous of days, regard this candid shot of Gerard Butler. I would say I'm somewhere on the bottom of this guy's fan club list, but it's undeniable that this ensemble is attractive and life giving when all I want is a nap. Maybe snuggled in that leather jacket I DON'T KNOW. I'm tired...but the heart wants what the heart wants.

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

        By the tropical citrus flavored liqueur colored waters of Curaçao (Click the link. Educate yourself. It's the least I can do for encouraging this weekly drivel) is where we will live out the rest of our long day’s journey into love. It is all Dutch Caribbean and beautiful as Emily arrives for the toughest decision of her life.

                  Now this is the episode during which normally there would be a fantasy suite date. I have heard tell from various sources however that Emily requested there be no fantasy suite. I respect this choice as she is aware that this show is something that her daughter will one day see. These are only rumors though, so we’ll see what happens.

Once again, we start the episode with a little montage and voice over of Emily wrapping up each relationship just in case you haven’t been paying close enough attention for the last two months.

Sean is an all American sweetheart stud. Jef is an “edgy”, caring, calm voiced Elf King. And Arie…sweet Arie, is something special. Emily actually gets a little teary eyed talking about just how wonderful Arie is and how much she feels for him. My money is on him for taking the whole thing home.

           But along the perfect blue Curacao waters, Emily worries. She worries about making the right choice, and she worries about hurting people’s feelings. We can see that the emotional breakdown is imminent as a tough decision is ahead of her.

The first date is with Sean who appears in blue toms, a blue v-neck, and what I’ll call neon coral shorts. So cute. I love a man confident enough to wear bold colors. There’s finally a helicopter ride! This season has been especially lacking in the helicopter department, and I was beginning to worry none of these guys would get to squeal over the prospect of floating over scenic places in awkward headsets.

The thing about Sean is that he is a perfect guy. His family is perfect. His face is perfect. Lord knows his body is perfect. He is the nicest guy imaginable, but I just don’t know if he’s the right guy for Emily. Everything about him is perfect, but there isn’t that apparent electricity between them like with her and Arie or Jef.

     He has been skirting around telling Emily he loves her for like the whole entire private island date. And she finally says, “Sometimes you’re a little hard to read,” and he painstakingly and awkwardly manages to NOT tell her he loves her!

He then points out the snorkel gear, so they do a gentle strip tease to go snorkeling. They make out in the sunset waters. Come on, Sean! Get it together! Tell her you love her!

On a personal note, the fact that he has a little ginger in him makes him all the more attractive to me. Because, Fun Fact about Cassie: I love gingers most of all. I think this is probably my service to humanity because they need all the love they can get.

HENLEY ALERT! Sean is wearing a henley for the romantic beach date! Oh that’s the best of all possible worlds. Emily is hopeful that during this romantic dinner that “she planned”, he will finally open up to her.

    Oy, for the love of poodles with the number of letters these guys write. Sean has written Ricki a letter of love as an introduction and reads it. It’s very formulaic, but dammit, he gets choked up and so do I. He also has super neat handwriting.

Sean has, at this point, managed to say everything he possibly can to Emily about his feelings for her except “I love you.” It’s amazing actually. In the words or Ron Burgundy, I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.  He FINALLY get’s out, “I have fallen in love with you, and I know it without a shadow of a doubt.” The guy might be slower moving, and that’s fine IRL. But this is the Bachelorette, yo! The faster you declare your “feelings of love” the better!

Oh shite, y’all. I was totally wrong. There are fantasy suites! Sean is very gentlemanly about accepting it under the terms of staying up late and talking and cuddling with “no distractions.” The suite has a tiny private pool. I want that. I would also like a tiny private pool with a sexy shirtless, slightly ginger, part time fitness model from Texas in it. Thanks.

    The door to the suite opens, and Sean takes off for the night. Emily makes her statement that as a mom and role model, Sean staying over wouldn’t line up with what she believes in. Good call, Em. So I guess that means I was partially right about the fantasy suite rumors.

Jef, Jef, Jef, Jiffy-Jef-Jef! JEF TIME!!! They are goin’ on a boat ride, and it looks really fun and cool! Jef is also thrilled, and they manage to have a good conversation despite the incessant wind blowing. He tells her that his parents ended up hearing great things about her and that they want to meet her! Yay for their hard-won approval.

    A;dsjflajdsfjlasljfrweurowrndkjvnioe Sorry guys. I just temporarily died because of the things that Jef says about hoping to be the second best thing in Emily’s life to Ricki and hoping he can be that man for her and I DIED. I’M DEAD. BYE, EVERYONE. He describes their relationship as a masterpiece painting that he couldn’t make out at first, but now sees the beauty before him. He broke me. Ouewljjfadsjlfaljdsf

They jump off the boat and Jef paddles boards them to shore so they can cliff jump. He makes her feel adventurous which is really special since she’s not that way on her own. She just glows around him, and you can see the love. Before we cut to commercial they put in a shot of a pelican landing on a rock. Thanks for that producers. Really.

The wee sequined cocktail dress Emily wears to dinner is a beauteous creation. I want it, but I bet it cost about a million dollars. Jef has come with the hard hitting “post-show” questions.

     Where would they live? Emily is open moving to Utah or moving to wherever Jef is.

Why haven’t any relationships in Emily’s past worked? Because she hasn’t had that indescribable spark with anyone she’s dated like she does with Jef. He ignites a self-confidence in her. Awwwwwwww.

Why hasn’t it worked out for Jef? He “hasn’t been able to see the end goal” up until Emily. He’s crazy about Emily and can’t imagine two people more perfect for each other.

Emily tells Jef that she can picture him in her everyday life with Ricki. That’s pretty huge that he’s the guy who comes to mind when she thinks of a father figure for Ricki. As well all know, this thing is just as much about Ricki as it is about Emily.

Jef waddles around the Fantasy Suite question, and says that his family, her daughter and her family would all be watching, and that “there’s a time and a place”. He’s so respectful and such a gentleman, so Emily proposes that they just hang out for a few more hours.

  Their suite is like a beautiful tree house, and as they make-out, Jef voices over that they need to “bridle their passions” and then I laughed forever. Is he an 80 year old pastor from the South in 1930?!?! BRIDLE THEIR PASSIONS?!

Look out everybody, Arie incoming. Emily is on yet another boat waiting for this lovely man. He wants her hand in marriage real bad.

Is it shocking that they make out on the boat first thing, and it’s real intense? Is that a thing that would surprise you? Would it also surprise you to know they make out for the majority of the boat ride?

    Dolphins! They are going swimming with dolphins in the wild! Emily is a little freaked out, but Arie’s confidence and protecting hand makes her feel more comfortable around the coolest animals. Back on the boat, they talk about the highlights of their relationship together. All their favorite moments involve kissing. Could this be a red flag that all they have is something physical? She worries she won’t be able to turn him away from the fantasy suite.

Emily’s wardrobe this episode has been even better than her already amazing wardrobe the whole season. Sheesh! This girl’s stylist is fantastic. So is Arie’s style because we have yet another Henley. Henleys for the win, everyone. Henleys for the win.

     At dinner, Emily grills Arie to reveal more about who he is on a day-to-day basis. She wants to make sure they have something to go on outside of physical attraction. He talks about a typical Tuesday, and what life would be like at the end of the show. She laughs at him pityingly when he says he gets up at 9:30. Bringing Ricki into the equation is important, and Arie takes it upon himself to prove how ready he is to be a father.

Emily tears up talking about how much thought Arie has put into the Ricki part of the equation, and how he’d gain Ricki’s trust, respect, and eventually love. His answer about winning her friendship first was A++, gold stars, 110%.

As a role model and mother, Emily knows that she would just climb Arie like a tree if she had the chance to be alone with him. She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card because she doesn’t trust herself enough. This is a bummer; she is really sad about it. The kisses they share on the balcony, however, manage to be really, really steamy. She probably made the right call; Chrarrison might have to show up to hose them down.

   I can’t express to you how much I want the silver paillette floor length skirt Emily is wearing for the rose ceremony. It drapes down her body like the proverbial silver lining to a cloud. She and Chrarrison have their gab session, the best times on the show. He brings up her fear of making the wrong decision, and she is confused.

She is unclear as to what to do. Emily has such strong feelings for each guy and sees the whole-picture with each of them. This week is the toughest decision for her yet and you can see how upset and confused she really is. Chrarrison is not helping by pushing the subject.

    Holy feelings and difficult emotions, batman. Each of the three men has left a video message for Emily to say how much they care about her. It’s like their final pleas. Emily breaks down as Chris tells her because she feels so bad about breaking hearts.

Uh-oh. Sean’s starts and he’s kind of yelling at the camera like he’s unaware that he has a mic-pack on. He is head-over heels in love with Emily. He is sweet, but doesn’t delve deep enough for me.

Jef says journey. He is calm, cool, and collected. He is in love. He opens up and promises to defend and protect her and keep her cheeks sore from laughter. He is dressed so well. I can feel myself fraying at the seams.

Arie mentions the word Dollywood in his speech and endears himself to me. He proclaims that his heart is always racing towards her (see what he did there?). His passion comes through even when talking to a lifeless camera as if it were his beloved.

As the messages end, tears are streaming down Emily’s face. She is crying and trying so hard to hold it together to not actually sob. She is scared of the decision she has to make and knows that she’s hurting them so much at the same time.

    We need Emily to rip this Band-Aid off. I need her to make the cut so I can breathe easy. Come on, Em! Let’s go!

I practically puke in the pregnant pause Emily gives before calling Jef first. This is great, but I’m freaking out. I think she might end it with Arie….BUT SHE DOESN’T. I heave a huge sigh of relief, but I also want to cry for Sean. He is so pretty and so kind and so hurt. Emily can’t even look at him she hurts so much for what she did.

   They sit down and he is deflated like a sad golden retriever puppy. The thing is though, his muscles are practically popping out of his shirt as he sits there crying, so…he’s going to be just fine. He’d be a great candidate for the Bachelor. My heart breaks for this guy, but his butt looks really good getting into his getaway car. I want to hold him. Poor puppy. “Honestly, when she walked out tonight I thought ‘there’s my wife,’” and my soul shatters.  He will make a great Bachelor, methinks. You got this, Sean-28!

In the worst transition ever, we get the preview for the Men Tell All! HOLY MEN TELL ALL! Chris the childish dupa, Ryan the turd in turquoise shoes, and Kalon the DouchNugget with a Napoleon complex will all be there to dish!  And then in the final episode, there is confusion and tears and a possible non-happy ending! They are hinting that Emily might not make a choice at all…could this end with heartbreak for everbody? Oh, journeyers, I can hardly wait to find out. Counting the days till we connect again!

   WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!

In Vain I have struggled! It will not do!

I am having some major technical issues getting the COMPLETED recap of the Bachelor Finale onto the internet machine. Please bear with me as I try to contain my rage and not throw my laptop out the window.

In the meantime, here’s a treat.