Henley Monday -

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

"That's what life's about. Straddling people. And Things."

We'll get to that quote a little later, but it was just so beautiful and perfect that I needed it to be emboldened, front and center. I might need it air brushed onto a t-shirt. Let's all remember that lil dollop of wisdom as we continue on this entire "adventure" to find love.

They waste no time jumping to the first one-on-one date with Clare. You remember Clare. She faked a pregnancy to meet the man to whom she wants to show her Dead Dad DVD. Clare is over the moon excited for this date.

“I know it sounds crazy, but this could be my first date with my future husband!” she beams to camera. I need Clare to take it down about 6 notches. She’s at about a 15, and I need her at a solid 9.

Juan Pablo blindfolds her which according to the girls is CRAZY! WILD! SO UNPREDICTABLE! And he whisks her away in his car. They arrive at a spectacular winter wonderland with snow covered pines and twinkling lights. It’s pretty stunning. Clare is giggling and laughing and beaming and squealing. She’s now at about an 18. To see her so excited makes Juan Pablo feel “bedder manna meelion bucks” (better than a million bucks).

They sled! They skate! Clare drops the first “fairy tale” of the season! And Juan Pablo dutifully reminds us that this is also his first ever one-on-one date. All told, it’s a pretty good one. I approve. We’re hearing a lot of very emotional words from Clare, and I’m scared she’s gonna be the psycho who falls in love way too quickly.

“I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long time,” she says. Oh, boy. I’m worried about this. She is near tears 90% of the time. Even when describing the way he “slithers into the spa”. I can’t Clare. I need you at a 9, and you are at a 15 and above at all times.

And you’re even higher than a 15 when you are intimately massaging Juan Pablo while almost crying talking about your Dead Dad. “Unless you’re gonna come in and be like a wonderful positive thing in my life, I will wait forever for that right one.” Um, is that a threat, Clare?

Also all during that, Juan did not pick up on the fact that her dad has died so when he asks about the story of her necklace, she has to talk even more about her Dead Dad. You can see his gears turning so, so fast trying to understand and make her feel comfortable.

“If you had a father that treated you like a princess, you will want a man who treats you like a princess,” Juan Pablo explains. Then he gets the rose to bring to Clare, who is still in the hot tub. “I’m having a very, very much good time with you. It was pretty, pretty much increíble,” are the words he chooses to express himself. I feel it important to tell you that anything I ever transcribe from Juan Pablo is exact because the way he chooses his words is hilarious and amazing.

OH DID YOU THINK THE DATE WAS OVER? NOPE. PRIVATE CONCERT. THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR A PRIVATE CONCERT ON THE BACHELOR. THIS ONE IS COURTESY OF JOSH KRAJCIK WHO I GUESS WAS ON THE X FACTOR. THANKS, JOSH!

Once again we’re making a quick transition over to Kat for her one on one date with Juan Pablito. Kat was not very memorable from night one, so I’m interested to see what she’s like other than pretty and blond. She, too, is flipping her lid that she is really going on this date today.

Juan Pablo picks her up at the mansion in his sick ass Tesla (I hope it’s not the kind that spontaneously combusts). The next mode of transportation they take is a private jet! No thank you! That seems way too involved for a single date!

JP excuses himself for a second to get some “soo-price-ess” (surprises) that are clues for the date. While he’s gone, Kat day dreams out the window that perhaps they’re taking a TRANSCONTINENTAL FLIGHT ON A PRIVATE JET THE SIZE OF PICK UP TRUCK. No Kat, you’re not going to Miami. And no Kat, you’re not going to New York City where it’s “kind of private and just the two of you” because that’s also not a thing in addition to a 5+ hour flight.

After a costume change into crazy neon outfits complete with flashing LED lights, they land in Salt Lake City, Utah. As night falls they run down a path that’s lighting up with colors as they go, and the trees are blinking with neon umbrellas stuck in them and they finally reach a screaming crowd because this date is yours and my collective nightmare: a 5K Electric Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Kat and Juan Pablo are the official kick starters of the race, so off they go. I would die. I would literally fake my death in order to get out of going on a five kilometer jog as a first date with a guy. I guess some of you psychos genuinely enjoy jogging and physical fitness, but I swear to the Lord Who Made Me if anyone ever sprung recreational jogging on me I will kill myself or him Amen.

There is electronic music blasting and people are screaming as they run. There are regularly spaced dance breaks. And I guess if I weren’t the kind of indoor-kid troll that I am, I would enjoy that date. And Kat is yet another former NBA dancer in the house so they look like they have fun. And boy can you guys even imagine the number of times they use electricity as a metaphor for love?!?! So many you could fuel a small city with their power HA HA HA.

After the finish line, there is a massive, I’m thinking genuinely about 15,000 people grouped together for a huge dance party that Kat and Juan Pablo basically MC by dancing on stage with the DJ. After once again announcing, “I am having a good time!!!” Juan Pablo picks up the rose and gives it to Kat over the roars of the audience. Good for them. But did they get to know each other enough over the sensual dancing and music? We’ll have to wait and see.

Now for the group date we have Chelsea, Christie, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Everyone is the same mixed bag of excitement versus nervous. Lucy is worried about getting his attention without flashing her boobs. Really.

“The date card said ‘Say Cheese’. So, I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I don’t know. I’m good at either one,” Kelly blankly slurs into camera. That line is hilarious, so you get a pass for dead eyes and “dog lover” as your occupation for now, Kell.

They are, of course, doing a photo shoot, as per Bachelor tradition that the first group date be camera involved (Sean’s romance novel covers, Desiree’s “music” video, etc). A ghoul with an electric blue goatee emerges as the photo shoot’s creative director. I’m pretty sure he’s actually from the Capital. So Caesar Flickerman informs the girls that this will be for charity and they will have special partners. It’s dogs. The special partners are dogs. Everyone is rightly out of their minds with joy upon entering a room full of dogs just waiting to be loved and played with.

Then a nameless leader tells us about how Models for Mutts helps raise awareness of pet adoptions via sexy photo shoots with dogs? This is surely another citizen of the Capital. The other guy she’s with can stay though. He’s actually from a charity called Best Friends Animal Society that is working to get pets adopted while working to make every shelter a no-kill shelter. So he’s fine. Effie Trinket can leave.

This is all too America’s Next Top Model for me. All of the sudden, Caesar Flickerman starts maniacally laughing and saying “Oooh! Oooh!” as he hands Elise and Andi their wardrobe. Which is just a piece of foam core. Yes. It’s a piece of thick card board.

“A photo shoot is not my comfort zone. Being nude is not my comfort zone…I mean I send people to jail every day for a living!” Andi laments to camera. And she’s RIGHT. SHE’S A MOTHER F***ING FEDERAL PROSECUTOR WHO SENDS GANG MEMBERS TO JAIL EVERY DAY. IN ATLANTA. ATLANTA! SHE DOES NOT, FOR ANY TV SHOW, MAN, OR CHARITY, HAVE TO WEAR A PIECE OF CARDBOARD IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO.

Elise doesn’t have to either, but she quickly trades with Lucy who is more than comfortable wearing no clothes in front of many people. Oh, but I should mention that when Elise tries to talk to Caesar Flickerman about how she’s a first grade teacher and wants to be a good role model he replies, “It’s not about what you are wearing that makes a good role model. It’s about what you are doing for charity. Ok, sweetheart? Thank you so much!” and WALKS THE F*** AWAY. LIKE A CHAUVINISTIC ASS HOLE. If Lucy is comfortable being nude, that’s great. More power to her. But if Elise, in any way, feels that uncomfortable or that this is not a good thing, then fine. She should not have to do it.

The photo shoot starts. There are lifeguards and bikinis and Elise traded nudity for a fire hydrant which she still complains about. Kelly on the other hand is bald and painted like a mangy dog, so she does not have time for Elise. “Are you kidding me? Wear the f***ing fire hydrant and shut the f*** up. Seriously.” Kelly. Stop it. You’re being awesome.

Andi is still freaking out in the background though. Finally, Juan Pablo comes over to help smooth things out. He reassures her that he’s nervous too, but he’s going to be nude right alongside her. When he’s talking to her, it seems like a lot less pressuring and forcing her to do it, and she ends up deciding to do it because it’s for a good cause. “You wanted an ‘aventura’ and you’re definitely getting an ‘aventura’ with this!” she teases him. Andi’s the best, y’all.

Oh and at no point in the entire episode is any screen with additional information on either charity. Seems like a worthy cause to potentially compromise your morals for.

What group date would be complete without a beautiful cocktail party at a roof top pool?

Cassandra pulls Juan Pablo away first and is very nervous to tell him that she has a son. She is a 21 year-old former NBA dancer who has a two year-old son. Huh. Ok. That’s a lot to process. Juan is very taken with her though and called her “elegant and cute” at the photo shoot.

Obviously the talk about her having a kid goes well, and Juan Pablo is even more enamored of her than before. In other mom news, Renee is gunning for a kiss in her quiet time with Juan. It doesn’t happen, but Renee is great. I’m hopeful for her.

Meanwhile, back at the poolside as everyone has had a glass of wine to calm their nerves, Victoria has had several. She’s being a little wackadoo, so Nikki decides to pull her aside and level with her, girl to girl.

“You need to tone it down. I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” whispers Nikki.

“Why? I just got here! I’m not hammered,” slurrrrrs out Victoria.

Smash cut to Victoria rolling around in her interview chair spewing out such beautiful words of wisdom as “If Juan Pablo were mine, I would just straddle him all the time. Because that’s what life’s about: straddling people. And things.” And other hits like “Kelly told me she wants to put a bark collar on me because I’m too loud!” Victoria cray, y’all.

Nikki is up next for one-on-one time. Juan Pablo really likes Nikki and especially likes that she is a hot pediatric nurse. While they are talking though, we are never far from Hurricane Victoria.

“Today I gave Juan Pablo the hymen [SIC] maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that,” Victoria says while pushing her boobs together for the camera. At this point Lucy the Nudist has pointed out that you are acting crazy, and that means it’s time to lock it up.

Things then very quickly go downhill. Victoria runs to find Juan Pablo and sees him talking to Nikki. She then turns and runs away. “Uh-oh, she’s had a little bit a LOT to drink?” Juan Pablo posits. She then runs past all the girls, manages to grab a swim cover up, and flees to the bathroom handicap stall where she locks the door and starts sobbing.

Renee, mother of an 8 year-old boy, saint, and all-around great woman goes to try and comfort her. Renee is so patient and so kind with an unreasonable drunk person who is so drunk at this point, she’s less rational than Renee’s 8 year-old. So determined is Renee to help this girl that she crawls under the bathroom stall door. Victoria basically just wants to go home and keeps saying, “I’m done!”

Then she burst out of the ladies room! She runs straight to the elevator bank but is met head on by none other than Elan Gale. He stops her because she’s not clothed, or shoed, or in any state of mind whatsoever to be on the streets of LA. She just keeps saying, “I’m done! I’m going home!” and Elan Gale keeps saying, “I understand you’re done. You can go home. But I have to get you a plane ticket. I have to get you a taxi cab. I can’t just let you go. It’s for your own safety!”

Victoria is having NONEYA BULLSH*** ELAN GALE! SHE STORMS OFF BACK TO HER HANDICAP STALL OF SOLITUDE TO RIDE OUT THE STORM!

Lucy very sweetly comes to tell JP about the situation with Victoria. I’m starting to like Lucy against every single other instinct I have. When JuanPa tries to go talk to Victoria she just completely shuts him down and is having a temper tantrum. He, very wisely, just walks away.

The date rose ends up going to Kelly for being the best sport of the day having the butt ugliest costume for the photo shoot. Juan Pablo makes the girls promise that Victoria gets home safe so that he can talk to her tomorrow.

Next day: it’s a hotel room. Victoria has stayed there overnight. Juan Pablo arrives to talk things over. She still wears the cover up and swimsuit from the ill-fated night before. Basically she apologizes and tries to be cutesie saying “Welcome to Brazil!” And he’s like “haha no, crazy lady” He actually says, “I’m 32. With a daughter,” and peaces out on her. Good for you Juan Pablo. Ain’t no daddy got time for that.

Alright here’s the quick rose ceremony wrap up because this feels like the longest episode in history:

·         Amy L makes a fool of herself doing a fake news interview with Juan Pablo

·         Sharleen warms up a bit to JP and apologizes for being a weirdo and saying “sir” a lot when she got the first impression rose

·         Cassandra is freaking out because she misses her son and is 21 so can’t process emotions

·         Renee comforts her because Renee is the best

·         Then Juan Pablo comforts her because Juan Pablo really likes Cassandra so she’ll stay for now, but we’ll see how long she can hold up under the pressure of being away from her baby (which is totally fair)

·         Who’s in: Kat, Kelly, Clare (from their dates) Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and finally Christy whose foundation continues to be two shades darker then her body.

·         Who’s out: Victoria, obviously, Chantel whose fate was sealed when they kept cutting to her for her two cents during the episode, and Amy L our intrepid reporter.

·         What’s next: SO MUCH! So much more drama and romance. See you next week.

·         Twitter: @Chasspod

·         Kisses and hugs

Unlikely Love: Happy Valentine's Day!

                              Today is Valentine's Day. A day that, despite some pretty negative press, I find delightful.

It's the middle of winter.  The time of year when everything is gray and dreary and cold, and here comes Valentine's Day with red and pink and purple hearts and sparkles to brighten everything up!

Have I been single for every Valentine's Day of my life, save one my sophomore year of high school that I can't recall in the least? You bet.

Have there been Valentine's Days when I've wanted to throw snow and poop at couples in love and enjoying themselves? Definitely.

Would I probably enjoy having someone send me flowers and chocolate and professing his love via greeting card? I mean, duh.

But, being an adult now, I can look at this day as the brightly colored spectacle that it is. One shining day in which it's perfectly alright to share with those I love just how much, and why, I love them. I try to make a practice of that regularly (you should too), but why waste a perfectly good excuse to be down right mushy-gushy?

So, in honor of this St. Valentine's Day, I will be periodically posting some fine examples of love songs and damn fine performances from the one and only Celine Dion.

XOXOXOXOXO

Your Polar Bear

BREAKING: SPECIAL EARLY-EDITION OF HENLEY MONDAY DUE TO EARTH-SHATTERING AWESOMENESS OF CONTENT

You. Guys. I can't even. I CAN'T. I JUST CAN'T EVEN SO LET'S DO BULLET POINTS UNTIL I CAN MAKE REAL SENTENCES:

Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, JC Chasez, and that black guy singing a classic 90s R&B slow jam

Mickey Mouse Club and Disney Channel allowing this to air

the pelvic thrust/hip gyration dance moves that are the only choreographed thing about this

Itty-bitty Britney Spears coming out at the end and saying "y'all" to us

The Gos is the weakest singer of the group but ASK ME IF I CARE

Wardrobe. Wardrobe gets an A++ for everthing, particularly for dressing them in clothing 6 to 8 times larger than their bodies and the beige, taupe, & cream color scheme

WARDROBE. FOR PUTTING A HENLEY ON RYAN. EFFING. GOSLING -PATRON SAINT OF HENLEYS (MAY HE EVER BE BLESSED AND HIS PECS ALWAYS BE STRONG)

We have video evidence of what is perhaps the genesis of Ryan Gosling's 20+ year love affair with what he has always known to be the single greatest piece of casual menswear ever stitched into existence.

#BLESSED

Distraction 2012 -

The political climate outside today, right now, like this very second, is...heated, shall we say. Today is the most important day of the year, and it happens to only come around once every four years (like leap year or the olympics, only filled with painful anxiety). It's election day.

And while it is CRAZY IMPORTANT THAT YOU GO OUT AND VOTE, it's also important to keep yourself sane. If you're anything like me, starting right now, you're compulsively refreshing CNN and the New York Times every 10-15 seconds to keep up to the moment.

But this, my friends, is maddening. So I'll be periodically posting videos and pictures and fun things from the internet to keep your mind distracted from the pit of diarrhea-inducing anxiety in your stomach about the results of today's presidential election.

Here is a video of Hank Green (of Vlog Brothers fame. DFTBA, yo) bringing you fascinating information from this past week in Science. SciShow in general is a great rabbit hole of distraction, so feel free to keep clicking around that channel.

PS - I literally shed a few tears when he showed me pictures of the underside of the vampire squid. I cried. I'm definitely distracted knowing that thing is out there...WAITING.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone. I'm so hungover today I feel like I've been impregnated by a Dementor. I feel that close to a soulless, trance-like existence that is worse than death. Please accept this picture of repeat offender Chris Pine with his piercing blue eyes in a henley as payment for my soul back please.

I'll be over here in the dark with a cold compress and lots of tea.

I love you all.

Class dismissed.

Henley Monday - It's a Monday in March. The sun is nowhere to be seen. It's still only the 11th, so we're still in the Lion's territory as opposed to the Lamb's.

But our friend Justin Timberlake is sitting on top of the world. He hosted Saturday Night Live for the fifth time this weekend and was also the musical guest. It was a show filled with cameos from some of the all-time SNL greats and your favorite (or least favorite, "bring on down to _____-ville!") recurring characters from episodes past.

It should come as no small surprise that a song called "Suit & Tie" about the transformational power of formal wear ranks highly in my book. JT is a regular fashion plate. Why here, he wears a henley with contrasting placard under a sport coat with a spiffy pocket square.

JT gets it.

Bridging the Gap - On Filling the Pop Culture Lull

The gap between summer and fall, from about mid-August to late-September, is big old lull, pop-culturally speaking. All the summer programming is over, but the news shows haven’t started and the old shows haven’t picked back up. All the summer blockbusters have long since been released, and the critically acclaimed films gearing up towards awards-season are sitting in the pot.

So what’s a bear to do? Hibernate? I think not. Here are my recommendations of how to efficiently fill your time in the Pop-Culture Lull.

1) Books - There are no fewer than five books on my nightstand right now that I am either half-way through or am borrowing from a friend who insisted I read them (four months ago). But summer caught up with me and the books got put aside for the beach and festivals and concerts and movies. So use this time to finally finish Game of Thrones, book 2, “A Clash of Kings”, or read “The Fault in Our Stars” so you can finally give it back to your friend who just wants to talk about Hazel and August Waters with you!

                            2) Podcasts - In the past, I’ve only listened to podcasts while on my commutes, but in the past month, I’ve discovered several new, great podcasts that help pass the time cooking, cleaning, or just sitting around. They can be purely entertaining (try Pop My Culture Podcast, or Pop Culture Happy Hour), they can be enlightening (try This American Life, or The Moth), they can be in-depth portraits of actors, writers, or musicians (try WTF? with Marc Maron, or Doug Loves Movies), or they can be any number of other things. The best part is that the vast majority of podcasts are 100% free, so open up the podcast tab in iTunes and subscribe to a few that most peak your specific interests. 

                        3) Classic Films – My regular readers know how derelict I am in my knowledge of the top classic films. But this isn’t just me; most of us have a pop-culture blind-spot. A classic thing that it seems EVERYONE ELSE LIVING has seen, but we haven’t. Netflix has all of the modern classics readily available, but they also have every film on the AFI Top 100 Movies of All Time (click through here for the full list). This is a great time to finally watch Citizen Kane, Vertigo, Gone with the Wind, and clear up that blind-spot.

                      4) Start a new TV show on Netflix – While you wait for your old favorite shows to start up once again, pick up something new that everyone has been imploring you to watch for months, or possibly years. If I had a nickel for every time someone has literally yelled at me to watch “Breaking Bad”, I would be a rich lady indeed. You can check out that show, "Sherlock", "Louie", and tons more current, popular show on Netflix instant. Or go the classic route like with your movies. All eleven seasons of “Frasier” are also on instant, which is a beautifully crafted comedy that I bet you’ve overlooked with prejudgments. “Firefly” likewise is a great, short-lived TV show from the brilliant brain of Joss Whedon, who, you know, recently earned all the money for a little film called “the Avengers” so…credentials…

     5) Revisit Old Favorites – Do you have all the seasons of the Simpsons on DVD? What about the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy with extended editions and commentary? How about the Colin Firth, BBC mini-series of “Pride and Prejudice”? Get down with your old favorites that you haven’t devoted time to in a while! You miss them and you don’t even know. You want to cry over the perfection of Mr. Darcy and you really want to spend almost a full day in the world of Middle Earth.

     If you can’t successfully utilize any of these to help pass the time from limbo to full-blown media overload, I don’t know what to do with you. Take a walk? Maybe? Who knows? But, hopefully any/all of these things will fill that void and successfully carry you through, and who knows, maybe open up a new pop-culture addiction. Which you can never have too many of, honestly.

SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS PLAYING HOUSE

Before you get the good times rolling with the ladies of PLAYING HOUSE, roll on over here http://interactivehouse.usanetwork.com/home. Series premiere April 29 Tuesdays 10/9c on USA #playinghouseusa

Hey kids, what's that? Two posts in one day? YES OF COURSE I CAN! IT'S FEMALE EMPOWERMENT FRIDAY! Anyways I'm constructing a lengthy and exhaustive post dedicated to the ways that Jessica St. Clair and Lennon Parham have directly improved my life (THEY ARE MYRIAD). But for right now and until Playing House premiers next week (Tuesday 4/29 10/9C) tide yourself over with this interactive adventure!

I may or may not have spent the last 40+ minutes with the gals, and let me tell you it is worth it. It's worth it, if for nothing else, to hear Jessica proclaim she is "good with a meat". Woman, I feel you. Ditto to the highest degree.

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, frickin’ well. Look who’s back, babies. It is I. It’s I and it’s you and it’s Chris Harrison and a bunch of bumbling bimbettes vying for the love of but ONE MAN. I’ve got my flannel jammies on. I’ve got a beer on my coffee table, and I’m ready. Are you? Please be ready. We can only get through together. In the immortal words of Jon Bon Jovi: take my hand, and we’ll make it, I swear.

For the first time, the premier of the Bachelor is a live event and they have trucked out all the very biggest stars of the Bachelor Family. Sean and Catherine are there. Brooks is there. I can see Dylan Bad-Hair Good-face behind good old Chrarrison! We start on the sparsely attended red carpet as Chrarrs tells us that this show. Has. Everything. LA’s hottest club is called DESPERATION. There’s a virgin who makes it through a fantasy suite. There are two widows. There’s a beloved talk show anchor that fills in for our beloved Chris Harrison. But, not to disappoint Stefan, nothing too crazy yet like Football Jellyfish.

Now let’s smash cut to a sweeping shot of Chris Soule’s farm in Arlington, Iowa. Oh, but wait, this down-home farmer has a bad side. Here he is riding his hog down a country highway. Chris LOVES farming, guys. And it takes about ninety seconds for him to make a comparison of farming to love. Perfect.

Chris has a huge, loving family and everything is great, except one thing. Can you guess what it is? It’s hard to find love out in Iowa. To demonstrate this, we see Chris sitting on the stoop of an abandoned building and waving to a red van that just drives right by. That big red van? It’s love. And Chris? He’s just been driven right by. This show. It’s deep.

Then Chris goes to a neighborhood bar to meet with the Old Gentleman’s Brigade that is led by a man who looks just like Jimmy Carter. Maybe he is. BUT OH MY GOSH FORGET FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER, CODY IS HERE. CODY THE SWEET, SWEET DUMB DUMB IS THERE TO PHYSICALLY TRAIN HIM. AND THEN THEY PLAY FAKE FIELD OF DREAMS SOUNDTRACK AS CHRIS LOOKS OUT OVER A FIELD OF CORN WITH HIS MOTORCYCLE. He is ready now, more than ever to find love. So he takes off on that sweet, sweet hog that is compensating, surely, FOR NOTHING.

Champagne from plastic flutes is flowing on the red carpet, where we get a quick chat with Sean and Catherine. Catherine is wearing a cape with alternating panels of black silk and tulle because she is queen of my heart. They are adorable, as per ushe.  It’s my great hope that we will one day come to a point wherein we do not discuss their sex life. Someday soon. 

This red carpet is going to eat up a LOT of my time tonight. We talk to Marcus and Lacy who are still on track to be wed this summer. We do find out one key piece of information from them. There will be thirty women instead of the traditional twenty-five. Oh my dear heavens, thank you for the beer I have. Let’s meet some of these women, kay?

First up is Britt, a bubbly waitress from LA who is just trying to find love in a hopeless place. She hikes and is FIT. She didn’t have sex with her last boyfriend, “which is cool because I got to know that I liked him not because of anything like, physical?” I do not care for her, as yet.

Next we see a woman doing back handsprings on the National Mall in Washington D.C. Jillian is a twenty-five year-old news producer. She’s raven haired and in charge. “I lift heavy, and I love it,” she says of her training regimen. Get out of here, Jillian.

Amanda is 24 and from Lake in the Hills, Illinois and is a ballet instructor. TWENTY-FOUR IS TOO YOUNG FOR A THIRTY-THREE YEAR-OLD FARMER. IT’S TOO YOUNG. When a producer asks why she’s still single she immediately responds, “Can I say ‘cause I’m f***ing crazy?...I still live with my parents. I don’t like paying bills. I don’t cook. I hate cleaning.” Remember when I yelled about her being too young for him? Remember how I was so, so right? Never forget that.

And just a hop over from Amanda, is Whitney from Chicago who is a nasal-voiced fertility nurse. She just loves completing people’s families, but is so overwhelmed by the urge to find love. Her dog is WAY too small and her joy is WAY too much for me. But I actually kind of like her for Chris. She is the cinnamon sugar to his steaming pile of oatmeal. We’ll see about you, Whit.

Just for a quick check in, we are twenty minutes into this sucker, and I have screamed into my hands no less than three times. The most recent scream was for Mackenzie who clocks in at a mere twenty-one years but has a son named KALE. HER SON. IS NAMED. KALE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. HER SON IS NAMED KALE. THAT’S TOO MUCH. WE HAVE GIVEN KALE TOO MUCH POWER. THIS IS HOW THE ALIENS WILL WIN, AND IT ALL STARTS WITH F***ING KALE.

Kale is adorable and has dimples but that does not change the fact that his mother gave him the name of our leafy-green overlord. Mackenzie is going to cry every day she is in that mansion. My patience for her is already expired.

Alissa is another twenty-four year-old flight attendent. They make her pretend to do a pre-flight security check with all these Bachelor puns. Alissa seems basic as hell.

Kelsey is a high school counselor who loves her job, but needs to find love after losing her husband a little over a year ago. He just dropped dead of a heart attack, so that’s my new worst nightmare. She’s strong and great. I hope for good things for her.

Back on the live red carpet, Josh and Andi come to chat about their everyday lives. This red carpet is really more of a corral for the former contestants to hang out and drink before they allow them into the studio. There’s clearly no exit. Hahahahahaha what if a single one of them had ever read Sartre’s “No Exit”???? Can you imagine? Sharlene probably has. So she gets it when I say this show is the epitome of Hell is Other People.

More red carpet nonsense ensues as Nikki Ferrell, the famous ex-paramour of hated Bachelor Juan Pablo. It’s the first time she’s back in the Bachelor Family since the breakup. She talks in circles about what happened the last time she was there for the After the Final Rose Ceremony. I honestly just wish her the best and hope we can just let this all go. Let’s leave the poor woman alone. Please, for all of us.

HOLY S**T. I DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT NIKKI IS SAYING BECAUSE MY DEAR, SWEET KING OF DIAMONDS AND LIZARDS NEIL LANE IS ON THE RED CARPET CORAL BEHIND HER. WHAT’S HE UP TO? NEIL LANE I LOVE YOU!

I think they were expecting this Nikki interview to shed new light on the Juan Pablo situation and that maybe she would dump on him for being a dog. But she doesn’t do that at all, so it falls flat because it’s a woman trying to defend her choices. Chrarrison really tries to bait her into slandering JP, but I fully respect that she does not give in to that.

After that travesty, we are now inside the famed studio. I think this party is about to get started. I need it to.

The first limo finally arrives. Amanda the ballet teacher describes Chris’ smile as “a panty dropper”. Classy. But very first out the limo is Britt the “waitress” from LA who hugs Chris for so long she CRIES. SHE CRIES. That’s enough Britt. Oh, no it’s not. She leaves a gift with him. It’s a note for a free hug. F*** that. Next is Whitney the Fertility Nurse made of cinnamon sugar. She’s way too enthusiastic, but I don’t know guys, I like her for him.

Then Kelsey that widowed guidance counselor. I guess we’re getting all the pre-screened ladies out the first limo. She is sweet and put together. I really like her.

When Megan, who is, you guessed it, TWENTY-FOUR, comes out of the limo he calls her “blondie” which is not ok with me. Ashley I. is a raven haired beauty who is a freelance journalist. Chris calls her gorgeous.

Second limo is up and Chris playfully knocks on the window. What a joker. Trina is a thirty-three year old special education teacher and she seems sweet for now. Next up, Reegan, a blond woman in a teal dress gets out of the limo holding a red hazmat cooler because she is a donated tissue specialist. Please God, let her pretend that a real human heart is in that cooler. She does. She pretends that. “It’s not real! It’s just a joke,” she giggles. He puts up with the bit reasonably well.

Oh, FOR THE LOVE. Tara is a SPORT FISHING ENTHUSIAST from FLORIDA who is wearing jean shorts, cowboy boots, and a plaid shirt. I JUST CANNOT AND WILL NOT DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF IDIOCY. YOU’RE NOT THAT CHILL, DUDE. JUST PUT ON A DRESS. Sport fishing enthusiast is the kind of “job that not’s a job” title that you might think could go alongside “dog lover”. I have a feeling, however, that Tara will not bring me the kind of droll humor and joy that Kelly did.

Amber is a bartender from Chicago, and I love her dress. But Tara is not quite done with us yet. She tells us how she feels “judged” by the other women, but “they can judge all they want because I can wear a nice cocktail dress like the rest of them”. And she does. She puts on a little black dress. So what’s the point of the whole cowboy boots intro? He’s not going to recognize you? Shut up, Tara.

Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader who is so gorgeous, but during her intro, Tara sneaks around and gets back into the limo and comes back out the limo. Chris recognizes her and says, “You're back! What just happened?” He laughs, but I think he can smell the crazy a mile away.

 With the third limo, the driver is forced to bring a sealed envelope to Chris from one of the ladies. “Chris, please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs n kisses,” it reads. He obeys. Out the limo pops Amanda the ballet instructor, and she doesn’t let him see her face because of the whole secret admirer trick he pulled last season. Ok.

 Jillian the TV producer is in a slamming red dress, and she talks to him about working out. She doesn’t have a personality outside of fitness, so she is my mortal enemy. Then Mackenzie the twenty-one year-old mom whose son is named KALE is out with her hair just hanging. I swear to you, she is in her prom dress. It’s teal and bedazzled, and I would bet solid money that it’s her prom dress.

Ashley S. is the next out. She is a hairstylist from New York, and her face looks like she drank poison right when she got out of the limo. Her eyes are darting all around. Did she take some kind of opioid? She gives him a lucky penny. Her eyes are the craziest of eyes.

Kaitlyn a 29 year old dance instructor pops up in a short red dress and opens with, “I know you’re a farmer, and you can plow the f*** out of my field any day.” He just laughs and can’t form words because that is DIRECT. And crass. She then worries that he’s not a farmer because he doesn’t react at all because what the hell was that? He giggles nervously through the rest of the exchange. Poor, simple man.

Without the remaining women arrived, Chris walks into the party. There are only fifteen women so far, and it’s a departure from the usual for him to do this. Almost as soon as he walks in, Kaitlyn the dance instructor/aspiring comedian offers to tell a joke to dispel nerves. Chris replies, “Maybe I should talk first and then when I’m done, you can tell a joke.” OOOOOOOOOOOOH SHOTS FIRED, CHRIS. WAY TO STAND UP TO BAD COMEDY! He makes a simple speech about how the women should all relax and just be themselves. Simple man. Then it’s time for Monday night at the Bachelor Imrpov:

“Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?...Because he wanted to find a tight seal!” Kaitlyn chirps. The women are mostly horrified by this. I’m not horrified because it’s crass. I’m horrified because it is from a joke book and is TERRIBLE COMEDY. Megan, a makeup artist, admits to not getting it. At least she’s being true to herself.

While all the women go right back to freaking out about where the other women are, Chris takes Britt aside to talk to her. She really made an impression on him with her crying hug and note for one free hug. So that’s Chris’ taste in women you guys: Thirst.  He really likes her, to the point where they almost kiss.

Chris gets to know some ladies while the other women continue to freak out about where the other women are. I cannot stress enough how much they are freaking out. And just when things are about to reach a head, Chrarrison comes in to drop off the first impression rose. All hell breaks loose.

But before any of that gets resolved, Chris has to solve the mystery of the Secret Admirer. He deduces pretty quickly that it’s Amanda Ballet, and they sit down to chat. Her eyes are the size of tea saucers and they are filled with madness. They talk about Chicago suburbs. Romance.

Chrarrison arrives to steal Chris away to meet the next few limos of women, because, surprise, there are more women. The current women panic.

In the studio audience, we talk to an ill-prepared Clare who has absolutely no light to shed on the situation. And Michelle Money has been there the whole time, and I just want to chat with her. Michelle is the best.

The first girl from the second set of limos is named Samantha. Her arrival is overshadowed by the madness of the women who arrived first already being possessive and psycho about Chris. Michelle, a wedding cake decorator, is in a hein-hein-heinous dress. Juelia spells her name like an idiot. Becca is pretty and in world’s shortest black sequined dress. She takes Chris’ breath away. Tandra is an executive assistant who arrives on a motorcycle. Alissa the basic ass flight attendant brings Chris an airplane seatbelt…….She does. And then she shows him how to fasten it. I cannot and will not abide.

Jordan is a TWENTY-FOUR YEAR-OLD student who brings whiskey and is dressed in what looks like blue silk BDSM? I hate it. She seems like a mess. Then a girl comes out in a pig nose because she wants to “ham it up for [him]”. What the what? Why? The girls ALL agree that was a bad idea.

Then we go from the sublime to the ridiculous. Britney is a Floridian, WWE Diva in training wearing what can only be described as a skintight, lace hanky with matching wristlets.  THEN, Carly a cruise ship singer (oh, Carly) comes out holding a tiny pink speaker and microphone and starts singing “My name is Carly, it’s nice to meet you”. The feedback is bad and it’s so embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for her. It’s upsetting.

The FINAL limo has mercifully arrived. The first girl out is a fourth grade teacher who seems nice. Then we meet BO. Bo is a plus size model. And I want to love Bo with everything that I am because for the first time maybe ever there is someone over a size six in that house. But why is her name BO? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE EVER SO SLIGHTLY MASCULINE? DAMNIT, BO. YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES.

Guys. There are still more women trucked out, still more ding-dong women. I’ll just tell you about the last woman named Jade who is a twenty-eight year-old cosmetics developer wearing a figure skating costume. It’s not literally a figure skating costume, but with the slightest of ease could be turned into one. The top is all nude illusion netting and the only thing covering her boobs are crystals. Inappropriate. Go do a triple salchow and fall on it, Jade.

HOW ARE WE NOT DONE YET? I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR SO LONG, AND WE’RE JUST OVER HALF WAY THERE.

But all the women are here, so the circus can now truly begin.

Kaitlyn the Crass Dance Instructor teaches him to dance. Chris is impressed by her, but Kaitlyn firmly sucks. Then the “stealing” begins with the pressure mounting more and more for each woman to have time to talk one-on-one with Chris.

Chris is so overwhelmed with wonderful women that he says, and I quote, “I wish I was a polygamist right now.” Cool, cool, cool. Very cool. Very chill. I am ok with that 100% because it is way too early in this show for me to rage out about gender roles. So that’s cool, cool, cool.

“Every person you meet, is like an onion. You cut them, and when you cut them, you peel them back. You peel them back layer by layer,” Ashley S. the drugged out coo-koo bird explains to camera as we see her wandering the complex looking for Chris. When she finds him, she interrupts him to blather on about feeling like she didn’t get her time with him all while holding a yellow rose from the garden.  Chris laughs trying to get control of the situation, but can’t seem to. Her eyes are very intense, and she is talking so bananas, that I am sure she has taken too many Quaaludes. Megan tries to interrupt just as Ashley S. slurs to Chris that she wants to ride a horse through a field of sunflowers.

Then we cut to Ashley S. demanding that the cameras take a good look at what she considers to be an onion in full bloom.  She is demanding they look. She is convinced it’s an onion, and you can hear the producer encourage her to go take a look. “Let’s check it out,” he says. And she stumbles over saying “I mean, if it’s a pomegranate, God bless it.”

Y’all, it turns out to be a pomegranate, and y’all, she picks it. “Wow,” she gasps, “I feel powerful.” 

More and more women get drunk as more and more women talk to Chris and give him great first impressions. He’s met most of them, and now feels comfortable to pick up the first impression rose that is BROKE. ASS. It is bent and the petals are falling off and it is broke ass. But he brings that broke ass rose to Britt because obviously he does.

He is really into her and her exuberance. He kisses her. Wow Chris is not pulling ANY punches. He is kissing on the first night. You could tell he really wanted to before, and he just went for it.

As they come back into the house on the highest of highs, the women in the room look like they could murder. Chris is then pulled away to start making his decisions on whom stays and whom goes on this very first night.

Chris begins the rose ceremony by thanking all the women for being there and then jumps right in to call out:

 Kaitlyn the Crass Dancer

Jade

Amanda,  maybe, I thought he said Pimento so Amanda is my best guess

Ashley I.

Tandra

Nikki

Kelsey

Megan

Alissa

Amber

Juelia

Becca

Trina

 Tara the redneck is bumbling and bobbling this whole time. She is clacking in her heels and almost falls over at one point. And after Chris calls Trina’s name, he takes a pregnant pause, then walks away. He talks to Chrarrison about Tara and what he should do about her. He wanted to give her a rose but second guesses due to her current state. Chrarrs just tells him to follow his heart. I’m sure the producers sneak in there to give their two cents. And we are right back to giving out roses.

 Mackenzie

Tracey

Tara then gets called. All the women are super upset. Tara looks like she might boof.

Jordan the hot mess student.

Jillian

Whitney

Carly

And the final rose of the night goes to Ashley S. who has a really good chance of being fully addicted to pills.

I know the producers have a lot of sway in whom he chooses for dramatic purposes, but honestly, I’m pretty disappointed that he picked the three hot-mess drunks who were crazy.  As the discarded girls leave the mansion to talk to the cameras, you can see that the sun has come back up. It is dawn.  That’s how long that cocktail party was. All. Night. Long. That’s rough stuff for the ones who were heavily drinking and rough stuff for the ones who didn’t and know have to just go home after being awake for twenty-four hours for nothing. The women takes turns crying about why he had to pick drunks instead of wonderful women like them.

And then Kimberly who was rejected and didn’t get a rose, turns around from her interview and walks right back into the mansion to talk to Chris. We don’t get to find out what happens with that until NEXT week. 

Which is when I will see all of you lovelies next. I am so excited to be back on this Journey with you guys. I took a step away from regularly updating my blog for a while, and nothing short of The Bachelor could bring me back. So thanks for that! Recaps go up on Wednesdays, so until then, keep in touch. Follow me on Twitter @chasspod, and the Ask box is always open!

Not even joking tho Aaron Tveit can take off a hat he's been wearing while dancing and stuff and his hair just pops back into perfect shape like what the hell

These are facts. His hair is always like...

...I woke up like this. Flawless.