The Bachelor Recap - Episode 2

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

When you think of the Bachelor, as I often do, you may think of helicopters, roses, tropical locales, and fabricated romance that ultimately crumbles when harsh reality strikes upon the resulting couple. While you may think of the schmaltz, you probably don’t ever, ever think about late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel. And you shouldn’t. For that would be an unholy matrimony of clownery meets clownery and would take your viewing experience right from the sublime to the ridiculous. I regret to inform you that this very thing has happened this week. Grab your alcoholic beverage of choice, because the Jimmy Kimmel takeover of the Bachelor is here.

The show opens with ominous music and a limo pulling up the mansion drive. Jimmy emerges in to awaken Chris in the week hours of the morning.

“What the f***?” is Chris’ immediate response. Over at the main house, Chrarrison has the ladies assembled and tells them to prepare for the new man in their life. And in trots Jimmy Kimmel.

Jimmy wastes no time in setting a new way of life here in the Bachelor mansion. First rule about the love club, is we do not say the word “amazing” in the love club. He has Chrarrison display a large jar into which each lady must place a dollar if/when she says “amazing” this week. I can’t disagree too much with this rule. Anyone on that show could stand to benefit from a quick flip through a thesaurus.

Jimmy and Chris also leave the first date card of the week.

“You’re gonna have a lot of fun, in fact I think this is going to be amazing,” he mugs as he puts a dollar right into the jar and leaves.

“With Jimmy Kimmel and the Bachelor combining, it’s going to be super awesome,” quips an unnamed blonde I don’t yet know. Ehhh, we’ll see.

“Dear Kaitlyn, you and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings, and unlimited hors d’oeuvres await,” Megan reads. Kaitlyn is very excited.

Neither Chris nor Kaitlyn knows exactly where they’re going, but everyone agrees that no matter what the date involves, it will be extravagant.

Cut to the limo pulling up in front of Costco.

I can’t.

Why? Why must this show try its hand at comedy? The Bachelor is the Bachelor and comedy and is comedy and never the twain shall meet unless the Bachelor stumbles into it unwittingly. THIS IS WHY KIMMEL BELONGS BEHIND THAT DESK MAKING CELEBS READ MEAN TWEETS ABOUT THEMSELVES. PUT KIMMEL BACK BEHIND THE DESK.

Kaitlyn is horrified and unimpressed. Get over it, Cananda. Costco is the best. That would probably be a fun place to go on a second date, if there weren’t a camera crew following you with planned hijinks. Also, what a slick way to shill memberships, Costco, AS IF I WEREN’T ALREADY SOLD ON YOUR LOW PRICES AND QUALITY OF PRODUCT.

Jimmy sets them off on a scavenger hunt of sorts to get food for dinner for all three of them tonight and a list of things to retrieve like beef jerky, size 33 jeans, an office chair, and “enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.” What spunky, ribald fun.  For dinner, an old lady recommends a cooked chicken, saying they’re “excellent”. AND SHE’S NOT WRONG. But they go with steaks which is also a good choice because Costco has a great meat selection.

Quick note, I am not endorsed by Costco. I do, however, come from a noble lineage of lovers and embracers of all things Costco. I kid you not one, tiny bit when I tell you that my father bought my sister and I matching copies of “Fabulous Food the Costco Way: The Costco Cookbook” for Christmas this year. Costco f***ing rules.

And because Costco f***ing rules, Chris should not be so surprised that he and Kaitlyn “actually” have fun there. He says he doesn’t know many women who could handle a date like that with “such class”. Really, Chris? It’s just having fun in Costco: the easiest thing in the world to do.

 Chris is proving to me word by word that he is a simple, boring man who has only ever known simple, boring women. With the limo full to the gills with their spoils, the couple heads back to Chris’ place to prepare the meal.

“Who needs helicopters when you have Costco?” Chris asks after all the prep work is done and he and Kaitlyn are just relaxing on the porch with some bourbon. They are so excited by how “normal” the date seemed without all the glitz and glamor of regular Bachelor dates. They share a kiss and laugh over how her laugh is like a man’s laugh and he has a woman’s giggle. That’s actually a fair point. They have good chemistry, so much so that they aren’t really looking forward to Jimmy Kimmel showing up. Me either, kids.

I feel like I should say that I don’t dislike Jimmy Kimmel; I just wish that we weren’t forcing this comedy like so much dried play-doh through the play-doh shape maker. While they grill steaks, he riffs on Kaitlyn liking beef. It’s dad-humor at best.

 “I specialize in making people uncomfortable,” Jimmy tells us about the hard-hitting questions he’s asking. “I think of myself as kind of a lubricant. Here to smooth things through,” he says. Such are the meager jokes one is able to cull from this set up.

“Let’s say…you find out that Chris has gone into the Fantasy Suite with three women and made sweet, sweet, sweet love to each of the women, including yourself, will you be angry at him?” he queries.

Kaitlyn picks steak out of her teeth with her tongue as she considers this. “No, I wouldn’t be,” she replies.

“Really?” an incredulous Jimmy asks.

“You can’t be!” she says, “It’s part of the process. You can’t buy a car without test driving it.” Ah, there’s that crass sense of humor from the first night I so cherish. Truly, what a night for comedy here on the Bachelor.

Chris just sits there giggling the whole time. He’s a bright man.

“Try to have sex with everyone,” Jimmy advises Chris who continues to giggle. If this were an interview on Kimmel, it might be acceptable, but as I am made to sit through several torturous minutes of it under the editing of the Bachelor producers, I am unamused.

The doorbell rings at the mansion as the next date card arrives. The “Amazing” Jar has quite the stack of dollar bills piling up inside. Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracey, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha (who?), Nikki, and Carly are all in. “Are you ready to meet the real party animals?”

Back on the date, Jimmy hands the date rose over to Chris and sits in the middle as Chris dedicates the rose to her and thanks her for a wonderful date. Jimmy gets in one dig that actually makes me laugh. After Chris gives a lame rose speech he says, “Oh wow, you really have a way with words…Are there people on the farm? Or just animals to talk to?” Chris is ready to see Jimmy and all his joke-making leave. After he does, he and Kaitlyn share many more fish-lipped kisses and some hot tub time.

Before the next group date begins, we get a lovely couple of minutes of watching Jillian work out in tiny purple shorts. She works out hard, and they once again place a black bar over her behind. This time I have to believe it’s just the producers having a laugh. Jillian really likes working out is what I took away from this segment.

The women arrive the next day with Jimmy and Chris at the Hoe-Down Throw Down. There is a series of five events in a farm-themed relay designed to prove what woman can grin and bear it the hardest at an event designed to make them miserable. Sounds about right.

There is the corn shucking test, the egg fry, the goat milk challenge where you milk a goat then drink said milk, a manure shoveling test, and finally a pig wrestling finale. What they say this is for, is to see if a woman can really get her hands dirty and tough it out on a farm. It’s really about us watching people desperately compete for approval from a man whose personality is that of a bowl of plain Greek yogurt.

Once again, Jillian’s shorts are so short that the black bar is back. She is struggling to get milk her goat, possibly due to her screaming at squawking that she can’t get it to stand still. Maybe screaming at an animal isn’t the best choice, Jillian. But as the milking progresses and the women have to drink it, they are becoming more disheartened. Kelsey is very grossed out by how warm it is. Amber tells the camera that she’s glad she didn’t have to drink it, saying, “The way Kelsey described it, it was salty and warm. Not something I like in my mouth.”

Now, folks, that was supposed to be a suggestive innuendo. The producers JUMPED on that double entendre hard and were thrilled to present it to us. And it’s fine. I, however, posit that Amber has no idea how food works because salty and warm are two of my favorite adjectives when it comes to food I put in my mouth. Your loss, Amber. Salty, warm things in my mouth for life!

In the manure challenge, Carly remains in the lead with Jillian and Kelsey close behind. Carly has strategy in her pig wrestling, and despite Jillian’s flashing hurdle over the pig pen fence, she comes in first prize. As her prize, she and Chris get to dress up and reenact American Gothic. None of the girls know what that is. This is also the second imagining of American Gothic we’ve seen this season.

The second half of the date is what else but a rooftop cocktail party in downtown LA. Carly pulls Chris aside right away to chat. She kisses him to show that even though she’s shy, she’s really into him. She was really fun earlier in the date, and Chris is into her taking control of the situation.

He and Amber slow dance and kiss. He is handing out kisses left and right tonight. He kisses Jillian. He kisses Ashely S.

“There’s a fair amount of kissing going on which is the point of the whole deal! When you’re with a person and the moment feels right, I’m gonna do that,” Chris mansplains.

But Mackenzie is upset that he’s kissing so many girls because she felt special that she was the first girl in the house to get kissed (she wasn’t) and now that he’s kissing all these other women, she doesn’t feel so special (she’s not). Quick reminder: Mackenzie is 21. Damn, Millenials y’all.

“So, I’m gonna be blunt,” she says to Chris like that’s the craziest idea of the century. “So, remember how we kissed? Well why are you kissing everyone else?” she asks like the absolute child she is. What is she even doing on this show???

He takes a moment to compose and explains that he is being truthful with all the women and putting himself out there.  Mackenzie feels embarrassed by her question, as she should. But then she almost proudly tells the other women that she called him out for kissing “like eight other girls” since their one-on-one date. DOES SHE KNOW WHERE SHE IS? DOES SHE KNOW THE FORMAT OF THE SHOW? DOES SHE SEE THE OTHER WOMEN AROUND HER AND UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE DOING THERE?

Britt is still having an issue with him “burning through” kissing all the other women so quickly as well. I don’t doubt that it would be hard to adjust to that, but I just have to reiterate that THAT IS EXACTLY HOW THE SHOW WORKS. ONE MAN DATES MANY WOMEN AND WILL, INEVITABLY, KISS MANY OF THEM.

Becca, who is very tall and beautiful, has some nice one-on-one time with Chris. With the beautiful LA skyline behind them, everything seems perfectly set for them to kiss, but she doesn’t kiss him. Becca says, “I don’t want to do something I wouldn’t do normally…It’s not that I don’t want to though.”

I admire that. She’s going to make him earn the right to kiss her. Good for you, Becca.

It’s time for the date rose, and Chris thanks everyone for their efforts during the relay and at the party. He hands it out to Becca. Yeah, Becca! Way to be special by not giving up that kiss too early! I should also mention that Ashely S. was not only quiet on this date, but the only moment we had with her was very normal. I want to posit right now that Ashley S.’s erratic behavior can be explained one of three ways. 1) She is an alien. 2) She has a drug/severe alcohol problem. 3) She’s doing elaborate performance art for the cameras to fool us all and show that the cameras can make you believe anything with the power of editing.

Whitney gets the second one-on-one of the week and is so relieved she cries. She and Chris arrive at a beautiful winery. They talk about typical Bachelor date marriage/life goals garbage. The two of them are so positive, sugary sweet that it makes perfect sense to me. I mean, I would die being around either one of them for more than two days, but they are right for each other.

From their picnic perch, they spy a wedding being set up down below. Whitney suggests that they crash it. It starts as a joke, but they get serious. Whitney invokes “yolo” which Chris LOVES. The producers confirm that they are actually doing that as the two of them plan out what they’ll say.

“So there’s something about weddings that’s just very romantic,” Whitney says. OH REALLY? THE DEVIL YOU SAY?

They get more and more excited and leave to go change into their evening wear and grab a random gift. I’m confused about how much of this is staged and how much is really spur of the moment. The producers must have had to plan this so carefully. I want to believe it’s real.

We get sneaky spy shots of the two of them wandering around the wedding. They are having a great time. Chris loses his cool immediately by talking to the whole wedding party and being a nervous dumb, dumb. He mentions that the producers are wandering around filming on cell phones. That’s amazing. I actually love this, guys. I think it’s crazy and a rare unscripted moment. Whitney is such a sweetheart and a real star who makes Chris look good. They have so much fun. I loved it. What a great thing.

Then they slow dance to the same song that was the theme to Desiree and Chris’ romance on the Bachelorette.

I wonder what they had planned originally for them at the winery, probably something not quite as fun and spontaneous and memorable. Whitney will go far in this. Chris is really, really taken with her.

“She did something really incredible here, and I don’t even think she knows it. But I know it. It wasn’t about the day; it was her,” he says. He then runs to fetch the rose and gives it to her. He’s a man of few words, but you can tell how much he is really into Whitney. To conclude: I liked that date and them together.

As it is the third week, we will be having the traditional “there’s no cocktail party.IT’S A POOL PARTY INSTEAD!” day.

“I’m lovin’ this. This is the most best day ever,” Megan coos. But other women, like Ashley I. are not so thrilled.

“I was gonna do my Kardashian look tonight, and now…enghglee,” she gurgles as she vigorously applies bronzer.

The pool party begins with, you’ll never guess, Chris does the craziest thing. He takes off his shirt and he does a CANNONBALL!

Then Juelia pulls Chris aside to talk more about her husband who committed suicide. She tells the full story of what happened, and it’s bad enough that America gets to hear all of the harrowing details, so we won’t repeat it here. It’s very sad and scary. Help the people you love get help if you think they need it.

Britt interrupts Chris mid-sentence to kiss. The other women see them making out, and take things to the next level. Jade is upset that the women who already had dates this week are monopolizing his time. So Jade asks for and receives a tour of his house. Meanwhile, Jillian trots down to his place and gets into his hot tub. Jade, inside, is snuggled up with Chris on his bed in some WHITE-ASS HEELS. They get steamy real quick, but her white high heels are some kind of trashy I can’t handle. Her boob is also absolutely fully out of her swimsuit. Like, a full boob of everything minus areola visible to my eye.

But then Chris has to move right into the hot tub with Jillian. Ashley I., Megan, and Mackenzie try to join the hot tub party right away but get shooed off by Jillian. The “alone time” everyone craves is a hot commodity at this pool party, and it’s making them all idiots.

Ashley I. is really upset by how possessive and aggressive Jillian is being. She cries while wearing a little golden headband. Jillian is one of those girls who doesn’t have a personality outside of being athletic and working out, and that, I cannot abide.  Ashley I. can’t abide either and scampers away to dry her tears.

A few minutes later, Chris walks into the house to have his chat with Ashley I. Perched on the rooftop, Ashely I. begins crying again. But she’s so embarrassed, that she laughs and Chris doesn’t know if she’s laughing or crying. He’s really great at handling women who are feeling intense emotions. So they just end up kissing the whole time. She is an aggressive kisser, and I’m genuinely worried they’re going to fall off the roof.

Finally, my sweet Chrarrison arrives in his show suit to get Chris ready for the Rose Ceremony. I missed him so much. Chrarrison, never leave me again! Chrarrison, Jimmy, and Chrarrs have a final huddle before the rose ceremony begins. Jimmy’s final words of wisdom are, “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” And what a joke to leave us on. BYE, JIMMY!

As Chris starts his pre-ceremony speech though, he immediately stumbles over his words and accidentally calls Jimmy, Jade. I mean, of course, Chris saw her entire boob earlier today and Jimmy Kimmel just mercilessly made fun of him all week. He’s got Jade on the mind.

The women getting roses tonight:

Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki (who the hell is that?), Jillian, and the final rose goes to Ashley I.

This means we are saying good-bye to Trina, Amber, and Tracey. Ladies, we hardly knew ye. We wish you all the best!

And that concludes this THRILLING week of the Bachelor. I think this week laid a lot of groundwork for the drama that will come this season between not only the ladies, but also with Chris and his Kissing Issue. Next week we’ll be back on Wednesday as usual. Until then, my little journeyers, check out @chasspod on Twitter and don’t forget my Ask is always open

Boo Hiss: Jingles

                    It would appear that the commercial jingle is back and back with the vengeance of a Spider-Man, a Conan the Barbarian, or a guy from any movie/show/legend in which he becomes a Gladiator.

Looking back on my childhood, the jingle that stands out most is Meow Mix. That little cat is now singing inside of your head. With one onomatopoetic word, they created something that stuck with people, across generations, for years and years. Smart.

The only other two stand out examples are products of Chicago-land's greatest carpeting and flooring rivalry: Empire vs. Luna. Here are the lyrics to these two jingles:

800-588-2300 Empiiiiire

vs.

773-202-*sound of four phone keys being pushed* Lunaaaaa

Creative. Anyone who grew up within a three hour radius of Chicago can start one of these jingles, and by the end at least two other people will have joined in. What they lack in creativity, they make up for in brevity and being memorable. Smart.

Now, all this is to say that the jingle has always seemed to me like a thing of the past to me, like something out of I Love Lucy. They're effective only to a certain point (e.g. I don't buy cat food, and I've not yet had a need for floor covering), and, most importantly, they can backfire. The recent outcropping of jingles has, I fear, done just that.

Take this piece of crap for instance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH3CshbUHZY&feature=related

This is what my brain does during that commercial:

"This song is relevant to pizza, but what's all this scrawling across the screen? It's too small then TOO BIG! And his red pants and his murdery red room and he sounds a little pitchy, dawg and the doodling's not helping. Those rocker hands look like cacti. Who is that big-nosed guy in the back? Is that Inspector Clouseau? That's a pretty big rip-off, and he doesn't have anything to do with pizza! Oh, it's over...What was he saying"

Not smart.

This commercial jingle from Post-Its though makes the Pizza Hut song sound like sweet baby cherubim: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q3DMW4e0OE

I am filled with bilious rage on hearing this song. This isn't even a jingle anymore, this is a 90s lady-singer-songwriter jam about plastic tabs. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Phoebe's old music partner comes back, and she writes shitty jingles for stew and sells out "Smelly Cat" (fun fact: that actress also voiced Tommy Pickles!).

Look, Post-It has a brand and they are sticking to it. Their products truly make my life easier, but there are no ground breaking situations in which I'd use a "durable tab" they've presented to me there.

Where would I use "a durable tab"? Pretty much anywhere I have a plain old, REGULAR POST-IT like my planners, cookbooks, files, paper work, but for Pete's sake, if your binder dividers for a home assembled take-out book didn't come with built-in tabs, then that's your fault for being an idiot and not thinking about that at Office Depot when buying them.

NOT SMART.

I do not think these jingles are effective. I do not think they have a place on my TV or in my brain. The problem that they demonstrate is that we're moving away from the purpose of a jingle in the first place. It was quick, catchy, memorable. This latest crop are long, over-wrought, over-produced songs. They have nothing original to say, they're just statements with a tune.

It's tough to admit given their abundance, but the only people doing it right are the Free Credit Score guys. They are clever and present their information in a unique way. I'm not super pumped when one gets stuck in my head, but when it inevitably does, I don't want to kill all the things in the world (lookin' at you, Post-its).

In the end, if you're not using music as a means to disguise an otherwise boring ad, you can stick around. But if you are...then BOO HISS.

"This" is the new "That":

Twitter PornBots are the new deposed Princes of Nigeria, internet scam-wise.

Henley Monday -

So it looks like my cries to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday went unheard. A girl can dream right? And as I sit here today with the remains of heartburn and general indigestion, more than ever I feel compelled to avail us with Henley Monday.

And today, a henley clad man for the ages, Kit Harrington aka Jon Snow on HBO's GAME OF THRONES. His stare is enough to melt a whole right through the Wall and blast a White Walker right to glittery dust. Keep your heads up everyone, Jon Snow does know SOMETHING: how to look sexy. Boom.

Henley Monday -

Well my friends, we are at another year almost over. With less than 36 hours left until we shift into a new era of hopes and dreams and pop  culture happenings, I thought it would be a nice time to reflect on all the good things this year has brought us.....

Starting with a few pics of our patron saint of henleys Mr. Ryan "The Gos" "Daddy Gos" Gosling. He is a beautiful specimen of man that will never see it's equal in our time. Probably. Just enjoy as you reflect on the many blessings you've had in 2013. And I'll see you in 2014 my babies.

Henley Monday -

OHHHHH, hello! Helloooooooooo my friends. It's time again for your favorite installment of this here tumblr bloggy woggy, and it's a great lil installment I must say. It's Ed Westwick, or as most of us know him Chuck Bass. He looks very Chuck Bass-y and all tormented and tortured with his good and evil always at war.

Hold me in your arms and we will take the world on together, Chuck!

Distraction 2012 -

No need to distract yourself further, for things have come to a close in this turbulent election.Yes We Can was our slogan four years ago, and yes we did once again.

"But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope."

America. Love you, Barry.

Henley Monday -

Friends, brethren, it's Christmastime again. And for a few weeks now, I have searched for holiday themed henley shots as my personal gift to you. The searching was all in vain, but I'm not one to give up so easily. So for the remaining advent weeks, I will bring you some TOTALLY CHRISTMAS AND HOLIDAY (LOOSELY) RELATED pictures of gorgeous men wearing henleys.

TODAY for instance is a man we have already once popularly featured here on Henley Monday. He is a man of great pecs, bulging biceps, a strong jaw, and sweet, sweet blue eyes revealing his sensitive side.

It's Chris Evans.

Also revealing of his sensitive side is the fact that he is speaking to the next generation and inspiring children with his tales of heroism and good fashion choices. What a great example of the spirit of Christmas!

You can't not trust a man wearing a henley when he tells you to always believe in yourself and chase your dreams.

The Many Gifts of Paul F. Tompkins -

It is an indisputable fact that Paul F. Tompkins is a giver. He is a dapper gentlemen, a character actor at a genius level, everyone's favorite podcast guest and podcast-er. He is a giver who won't stop giving us delightful comedy treats.

His Youtube interview series "Speakeasy" is just one of the latest delights put forth by Mr. Tompkins. Each week he gets a superstar of the acting and/or comedy world (Aziz Ansari, Damien Lewis, Judy Greer, and Tony Hale to name a few). The interviews are a great peak behind great entertainers that break them down into real people and then blow you away with their hard work and artistry.

This week's episode with Mark-Paul Gosselaar is on the shorter side at 13 minutes, but you won't even notice it. Nor will you notice the time passing as you go down the rabbit hole with the next interview that you just can't miss. Enjoy! Happy passing the time like lightening! Bless and keep you PFT!

Henley Monday - 

It's still ungodly cold in much of the northern United States, and now more than ever we need men in henleys to warm us right up. Enter the fourth man named Chris to be presented as the weekly Henley Monday: Chris Pratt. 

This is him last week at the Parks & Recreation PaleyFest panel. He....has gone through quite the transformation for his upcoming role in Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy. It's pretty special. I mean, come on THAT FACE. That ADORABLE man. His character on Parks has always been one of my favorites and now that he looks like this, I might just be in full blown love.

Keep it up, Chris Pratt! We love you!