There Are Few Things In This Life That I Love As Much As The Muppets, Sesame Street Being One Of Them

Distraction 2012 -

The polls on the East Coast are starting to close , and at the brink of actual results rolling in, I am impatient as ever. Good thing I discovered THIS little gem only minutes ago.

It's like the Backstreet Boys KNEW that I would need some happy frivolity today. This song is a real-life dream come true for me because as a wee lass (and certainly NOT within the last five years that would be insane ha HA ha) always wanted my beloved Boys from the Backstreets to release a Christmas album just like the other boy bands had done. But now, after more than a decade of waiting, the time as finally come.

The boys are men and they are all back together singing "la ta da da da's" in five part harmony with a heavy synth background. It is a true Election Day miracle.

My Top Independence Day Movies (Independence Day not included)

Yes, you read that right. I am not including the seminal Will Smith action flick Independence Day in my list of most patriotic movies. Do I always enjoy a viewing of it? Sure, but it doesn't exactly need my endorsement. Let's take a look at some lesser known, equally good films that would perfectly accent your July 4th and why you should choose them over the Patriot or Top Gun or Die Hard (which is a Christmas movie anyway).

1)      Waiting for Guffman (1997) – A mockumentary style film from Christopher Guest and Co. (This is Spinal Tap; Best in Show; A Mighty Wind). It follows a group of small-town-American characters as they prepare for the fictional Blaine, Missouri’s sesquicentennial celebration, the centerpiece of which is a musical covering the town’s history called “Red, White, & Blaine.” It is a hilarious portrait of the American spirit captured in all the bizarre, oddities of the classic Small Town. You’ll find yourself quoting your favorite moments for years to come.

2)      Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999) –Another mockumentary that chronicles small-town American life, this time in Mt. Rose. Minnesota. We follow the various contestants in the Mt. Rose Miss American Teen Princess beauty pageant, and the contestants range from the dopey cheerleader (Amy Adams in her film debut) to the theater geek (Brittany Murphy at her absolute best) to sweet underdog protagonist who practices her tap dancing while working in the morgue (Kirsten Dunst). This movie moves seamlessly from the sublime to the ridiculous, satirizing not only beauty pageants but the politics of the Midwest small-town. Another one with quotable moments every other minute.

3)      Wet Hot American Summer (2001) – Everyone in this movie is someone who has made you laugh till your stomach hurts in something (or everything) else they have done in their careers. Pulling heavily from members of the sketch comedy group The State, it has everyone from David Hyde Pierce to Amy Poehler to Molly Shannon to Paul Rudd to Ken Marino to an infantile Bradley Cooper (AND MANY, MANY MORE!). Directed by David Wain (Role Models; Wanderlust), we see the goings on of the last day at Camp Firewood and mainly the romantic endeavors of the counselors and camp directors. It is weird and offbeat and joyous and dark and a beautiful picture of the kind of summer we all wish we could have again (kind of – give or take a few things like refrigerator humping). Oh yeah, did I mention beloved Detective Stabler, Christopher Meloni, humps a refrigerator?

  4)      Captain America : the First Avenger (2011) – BECAUSE – DUH. It would not be a proper list of All-American movies if I neglected to include All-American superhero Captain America portrayed by All-American beef cake Chris Evans. It takes place during World War II the most nostalgically “good-guys” period of American history, there is a song entitled “The Star Spangled Man with a Plan” and Steve Rodgers is…hoo…he is, uhh…the kind of man with the kind of courage, heart, head of hair, and muscles I think we all wish we could be (myself included). It’s got a good little story and a good bit of action and just a little splash of romance to make a great 4th of July flick. And also, look, yeah, if maybe you double featured this with Marvel's the Avengers I’m not going to do anything to stop you that sounds great.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

We're joining our Lady Desiree on the exotic isle of Madeira, the largest island in an archipelago belonging to Portugal and off the coast of Morroco. And they say you can't learn from watching this show!

Tensions are high even after last week’s relieving loss of James, as hometowns are close on the horizon. But in the meantime, everyone is amped up about being in Madeira given that not one of them has ever heard of it before.

The way Desiree says “potential” is really irritating. She hyper-pronounces the first syllable so it’s “PO-ten-tchall” rather than “puh-TEN-shall”. It’s really important that she sees a POtential future with any guy she keeps around.

OH MY GOSH! DESIREE HAS COMPLIED WITH THE PRODUCERS’ WISH TO BRING BACK FORMER CONTESTANTS FOR ADVICE AND FULFILLED MY DREAMS. I love when they do this. It is always a welcome breath of fresh air.

We see Catherine, Lesley, and Jackie (huh? I mean ok?) lounging about by the pool. First everyone awkwardly makes fart faces as Catherine tells them how she and their collective ex-boyfriend are doing in their relationship.

Lesley brings her assertive opinions that we love her for. Everyone gives general advice about finding someone sincere and fun, but then it gets great because Catherine has binoculars. They all share the binoculars to ogle the remaining guys. The guys are basically prancing around and preening in the pool for this exact moment.

Catherine then asks a series of questions like best eyes, best smile, most athletic, and then biggest dick. Desiree looks scandalized but Catherine just giggles away. Guys Catherine is the best; can she just stick around and bring some fun to this otherwise kind of boring season?

The girls disperse as we leave in a smart car for Brooks’ first one-on-one date since the first episode. Madeira is incredibly beautiful, and the date mostly consists of them driving around, seeing the sights, and being pretty cute. They have a picnic on top of a mountain inside of a cloud. Brooks is very sincere and so accessibly handsome. He doesn’t make me uncomfortable with his good looks, but is still a good looking guy.

The way the clouds are moving is all very romantic and otherworldly. Soaring music cuts in over a montage of them kissing and holding each other and telling the camera how much the journey means to them.

On the ramparts of an old part of the city, Des and Brooks have a candlelit dinner. He is wearing this giant, chunky striped cardigan. I love it. He’s got a good sense of style where he brings his own spin to things. Brooks tells Desiree all about his family and how important it is when a girl meets his family blah blah blah. He cries about his dad blah blah. His brothers and sisters are supportive blah.

But uh-oh. Brooks admits that his emotions might be a little farther behind where Desiree’s are. He’s unsure whether or not he’s serious enough about her to really introduce her to his family. But then fireworks start and he’s like “yeah I’d love to bring you home to them.” So, that’s interesting.

We need to make an additional rule for the Bachelor/ette Drinking Game about whenever there is a private fireworks show.

Chris is getting the other one-on-one date. I think we all know what that means: POETRY CORNER! Chris is super nervous about his date because he wants to tell her that he loves her. “I want to take her home very badly,” is a thing Chris says and also something a murderer would say.

This guy is such a goober. He fist pumps and says “drinking vino” and squeals like a lady when Des tells him they’re heading out to the open sea on a yacht. They sensually apply sun block as Chris tells us about their deep physical attraction.

In the middle of a meadow filled with wildflowers with cliffs to their backs and sea to the front, the couple shares a picnic. I feel like every conversation they have is the same, just in different beautiful settings. I mean obviously they like each other but it’s always “what do you imagine family to be?” and “being open and fun is really important to me” or some version of that.

Y’all. You all. Chris brought a bottle and some paper so that the two of them can WRITE A POEM TOGETHER AND PUT IT IN A BOTTLE AND THROW IT OUT TO SEA. They are writing “poetry” together. It is so much worse than I could have hoped for. After finishing it and remarking “not too bad” (I WOULD BEG TO DIFFER), they share a kiss and throw the bottle out to sea.

Random shot of a stray cat! Then dinner in a winery. Chris is geeking out to tell Des that he’s in love with her. I’m nervous for him but sad that it won’t come in the form of an ABAB rhyme-scheme poem. Chris and Des talk about how many kids they want and how family size is important. This obviously leads them to talk about what it will be like for Des to meet his family and how many of Desiree’s boyfriends her family has met. She says they only met her high school boyfriend and neglects to mention that one FATEFUL EVENING THEY ALL MET SEAN WHO YEAH WE SHOULD CLASSIFY AS A BOYFRIEND BECAUSE THE “L” WORD WAS USED. Interesting.

Chris is very awkward and sweating and twitchy he’s so nervous to tell her. My roommate accurately points out that at least his nerves show that his feelings for Des are real.

OH JUST KIDDING GUYS, HE DID WRITE A POEM. HE IS A TOUCHED LITTLE PSYCHO WHO BRINGS ME GREAT JOY:

INDIVIDUALLY DEFINED – is just the NAME of this poem. Oh man. OH man.

The strongest words with so much meaning

Hard to say without a stammer

But when expressed with true feeling

Sincere for no other word can mean so much more

LIKE - the time we have, atop the hotel 17 above

Feelings had changed and were, oh, so real

Meant to be is how I feel.

Our hearts are open

Words expressed by you

Feelings that I know are so true

I look forward to the unknown

Appreciate youre emotion you have shown

And I am also hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home

Expressed in writing and felt through touch

Enjoy this moment and embrace this rush

The strongest words with so much meaning

Not so hard to believe it’s true

Our hearts are open

And in every kiss I truly mean

That I love you.

Desiree, of course, eats it right up. She tears up and kisses his big dumb cute face. You can see how happy she is when she hears those three little words. Romance ensues as they walk arm in arm through a moonlight park and kiss and kiss. I can see these two going far.

“At this point, it’s not about ‘Am I going home this week or next week?’ it’s about when do we get to start the rest of our lives together? When do we get to start that?” Chris you melt my heart of stone every time! Stop it!!!!

Ugh. Michael has his one-on-one date. I would just rather not watch him do anything. At this point, not only is his sexual orientation dubious, but he’s just not at all my kind of guy. He’s a little aggressive and just dorky. He picks out a necklace that color coordinates with her outfit. HE’S GAY. AND NOT EVEN COMPATIBLE WITH DESIREE. What is going on? The date has them going around town and eating by a park and going on a concrete toboggan.

“When I kiss her I feel a flood of emotions,” he says. A flood of emotions about how you like boys and not girls, Michael? I don’t know. Michael wants to tell Desiree that he’s falling in love with her. I have to object. He is a just a little butthole who also had a rough childhood blah blah blah. He has diabetes blah blah. He has a deadbeat dad blah. The date is sort of fine. I do not see Michael going farther than this.

Ok the heart of the matter is here: the two-on-one starring Drew and Zak. No one is being sent home on the date today, but one guy will get a rose to rest easy the rest of the week. I’m pretty much in awe that Crazy Eyes is this far into the game.

“I’m totally in love with this woman, and I’ve known her for weeks,” says Zak. Is he saying that like he knows how completely psycho that sounds? Or is he saying that like it’s a normal, fine thing?

As the ultimate in romance, they will be doing intense go-kart racing. How exotic and unique to the island of Madeira. Des has the two boys race one another to win a special prize. Drew gives his entire interview about this with a giant helmet covering 90% of his face. Zak, once again, makes the analogy of go-kart racing to the journey of love. Way to go Zak. Two for two.

Zak wins. We don’t know what the prize is yet. In the mean time, the group settles into a ratchet little picnic on two dinky blankets in the grass of the track surrounded by crash tires. The rose is even displayed on a tiny go-kart tire! What the hell producers?! We really dropped the ball on this one, didn’t we?

Despite the lack of ambience, Desiree admits that she’s having a comfortable, fun time on this date. Zak’s prize is that he gets to have alone time with her first. He has acquired some cray-pas and filled a sketch book with pictures of their time together. The first is a drawing of some abs from the first night they met. It’s goofy and dumb, but I can’t help thinking it is a sweet gesture. In the end, Zak decides not to confess to Desiree that he’s falling in love with her.

 Next up is Drew’s time. He tells us that he has carefully curated his thoughts and emotions so he can properly express them to Desiree. He is such a sweet little type-A peach. Desiree almost cries as he tells her about his sister who has some kind of disability. He just says that she’s severely mentally handicapped and can’t properly express her emotions but can feel all the love and excitement for her family. You can tell that Des is heart set on meeting Drew’s family. That rose has his name on it.

Both guys really want the rose to feel confident that the emotions they feel for Des are reciprocated. After a speech thanking the men for their time and care, she gives the rose to Drew. I kneeeeeew it.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN the ominous beat thuds as the men pack and anxiously await their fate at the rose ceremony. Desiree’s dress is a stunning, draped blue number. It is like liquid on her and the color is amazing. She sits down for a lil fireside chat with Chrarrison.

Desiree, while talking about her relationships with the men, begins to cry. Particularly over Brooks because she didn’t know that she’d even have these kinds of emotions but is scared because he hasn’t said that he loves her. She wants to believe the best. When Chrarrison asks her point blank if “this” (the process) is over, she says it isn’t because she also is falling in love with Chris! While this isn’t shocking, it’s surprising that we get such a candid interview with her at this point in the process. Typically we don’t hear the “L” word from a Bachelor/ette until much later on.

After a speech from Chrarrison and a speech from Desiree that she’s falling in love, the rose ceremony gets down to business. Before she calls the names I can predict what happens: first up is Brooks, then Chris, leaving Michael and Zak. I predicted that correctly, you’ll have to trust me. The final rose goes to…Zak. I thought that would be the case, but I wasn’t as sure with him. Michael appears heartbroken and sad, and I am just so happy to see him go.

This rose ceremony is always one of the hardest to watch. Oftentimes the guys take it so personally that she didn’t want to go home and meet their families, but usually it’s not the family that’s the problem. Michael is very respectful in how he leaves her though. He’s “heartbroken” but wishes her nothing but the best and thinks the world of her. If he’s going to go holding onto the lie that he likes girls, at least he leaves like a respectful gentleman. The first thing he does though is call his mom.

Well kids, that wraps up this week in Madeira. Hometowns are next week and that always makes for an interesting night. I hope. We really need to pick things up here. Ok gang, follow me on twitter @chasspod in the interim, and check back next Wednesday for the recap!

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

Good-bye Beverly Hills and hello Santa Fe! Our journey tolove brings the hopeful contestants to sunny, arid New Mexico this week, and if the Internet is to be believed IT. GOES. DOWN. Chris starts us off in the middle of a field of hot air balloons, and he has no idea what’s in store for him.

Megan seems to think that Santa Fe is a beach resort town. Oh, honey. She also thinks New Mexico is a separate country but not Mexico. Oh,oh, honey. Megan’s confusion does not stop the girls from invading and being in awe of their Plush Ass Suite.

As much as everyone is clamoring for the individual dates this week, the first one goes to Carly our friendly cruise ship singer with the worst eyebrows in Bachelor history. Her date card reads “Let’s come together.” I giggle like a schoolgirl just like the producers did as they wrote the card.

Chris is wearing a rust colored Henley for the date today and is excited to see if there’s something romantic between him and Carly. Carly joins Chris at the seemingly abandoned Hacienda de Cereza. It is most definitely not abandoned though. Chris and Carly come upon a woman meditating on pillows in front of a desert vista. This woman’s name is Tziporah Kingsbury and her job title is Love and Intimacy Mentor. I am NOT ON BOARD for this.

“What we’re gonna do is just go through various processes today just to put more juiciness into your relationship,” Tziporah coos to the couple. Absolutely not. AbosoLUTELY not will a woman named Tziporah talk about juiciness. No. NO. But she is.

Chris is relying heavily on Tziporah to help bring out the chemistry between him and Carly. He is so convinced of her skill and ability that if she doesn’t bring out the “chemistry”, he will call it quits with Carly! THAT’S A LOT OF STAKES FOR A WOMAN OVER FORTY WITH A NOSE RING AND FEATHER EARRINGS WAVING BURNING SAGE IN FRONT OF YOU.

She has them sit back to back and breathe deeply. She has them sit in front of each other and Carly blindfolds Chris.

“Who turned out the lights?” he jokes in the most feeble voice as if he knows how not funny it is. It’s like he has a sickness and is so ashamed that he can’t control the impulse to make that terrible, terrible joke.

Then Carly gets to do exactly what Megan did with him last week which is dip fruits and nuts into chocolate and feed them to Chris. What the hell is this show’s fixation with this exercise? I have seen it executed no less than five times. It’s not sexy. Is there some grand conspiracy I’m not aware of?

Carly also has to explore Chris’s entire body with her hands, so that is difficult to watch. She’s uncomfortable with physical intimacy but also, I imagine, deeply uncomfortable with f***ing Tziporah sitting there and watching and coaching her.

As the physical coaching escalates at an alarming rate, Chris has an epiphany. “I thought we were coming here today to meet with a love guru. But it turns out she’s a SEX guru,” he says. It is not what he was expecting.

Cut to Tziporah telling Carly and Chris that in order to “remove masks” that we wear in front of our partners, they will be removing the physical masks of their clothing. Carly is very timid about this because it’s a first date and there’s cameras and also it’s F***ING WEIRD AS F*** TO MAKE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ALREADY IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP DO THIS. Chris whispers a bunch of stuff about how they’ll just do whatever she’s comfortable with.

So they stand up and face each other and Carly helps Chris remove his shirt. Then he helps her remove hers. Neither of them feels good about this. Of course Carly is then instructed to remove Chris’s pants.

“I’m really uncomfortable,” she whispers to him.

“So am I,” he whispers back. They both decide not to have Carly remove his pants. He shame-whispers again to Tziporah that it’s their first date and that “some things are worth waiting for”. Noble, but maybe speak up a little next time. Tziporah is fine with this decision, so she has them tell a non-physical mask that has held them back in past relationships.

Chris says that he hasn’t committed himself to really loving someone for the rest of his life. UH, NO DOI. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE ON THIS DOG AND PONY SHOW AND NOT MARRIED, YOU DING-DONG.

Carly then reveals that she has held herself back with the fear that she is unworthy of being loved. And that’s real.

I swear to you, I’ve had enough of Tziporah for my entire lifetime. The fact that this date drags on does NOT follow the rules of the Geneva Convention. Tzippy makes Carly sit in Chris’s lap, facing him, and instructs them to explore each other’s bodies but the one rule is no kissing. Gross. Won’t see.

Tzippy is right next to the two of them making them breathe and is touching them. I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be erotic, but it is yucky to watch. I don’t feel comfortable watching this! Please let me stop seeing this! Too intimate for my eyes! Physical intimacy: YUCK!

They finish with a passionate kiss. I’m all tapped out. I did not care for one bit of that.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…it’s fun that I can say that. The headbands’ reign of terror on this season’s contestants is still raging on, and Kelsey is talking about her dead husband. He only died a year and a half ago, and it was very sudden. So sudden that she doesn’t even remember the name of what happened to him? Congestive heart failure. I feel like if my young husband just dropped dead one day I would never forget the words “congestive heart failure,” but Kelsey and I are not the same person.

Ashley I. notes that she waited over five weeks to tell people and that she seems nonchalant about it. While they’re using those facts to paint Kelsey as a crazy, I could also play devil’s advocate and say that both of those things are out of self-preservation.

Mostly, Kelsey is concerned with getting a one-on-one date so she can tell Chris her story about being a widow. It’s “imperative” to her. Why now, though? Why wasn’t it so imperative before?

The group date card comes though and with it, Kelsey’s fate. First on the list is Jade, then Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha (who?), Ashley, annnnnnd Kelsey. “I’m rapidly falling in love,” the date card says. Britt is thrilled to have the other one-on-one, but Kelsey is seeing red. She thinks it is unacceptable that she is not being made to feel special. Cool.

Carly and Chris have their special dinner in a lovely southwestern lodge. Carly takes the time to be serious and have a real emotional talk with Chris. She shares that in the last long-term relationship she had, her partner never wanted to be physically intimate with her, and it really took a toll on her self-esteem. Damn, I get Carly on a soul-to-soul level. Dammnit, I really wanted to hate her after her entrance singing on a pink karaoke machine, but I just can’t.

Chris assures her that she’s beautiful and talented and smart and funny, and that’s great. She is. CARLY YOU RULE, BUT ALSO THE SELF CONFIDENCE YOU SEEK MUST COME FROM WITHIN AND NOT FROM THE VALIDATION OF A MAN ALTHOUGH THAT TYPE OF VALIDATION CAN CERTAINLY HELP. LOVE YOU FIRST, CARLY!!!

She feels really wonderful about the date and how Chris makes her feel. And she accepts Chris’s rose.

“Chris makes me feel beautiful, and I have not felt beautiful in a really long time,” Carly beams.

For the group date, the women and Chris will be white water rafting on the Rio Grande. Megan, who has taken up the role of comedic relief since Ashley S.’ departure, is excited to be rafting, but fearful of what might lie under the surface of the river. “There could be alligators,” she suggests, “or dead bodies.”

After a rousing safety debrief from an old timey prospector- I mean River Guide- named Cisco, the group sets off. This date is once again a test to see if the women are comfortable “hanging” outdoors. Ugh. Get over it, Chris. You spent time outside. Stop torturing these women.

They raft down the river, and Jade falls out. Chris has to massage her when they hit land because her body goes into hypothermia all the time, and the water set her right into it. That’s literally the only thing we get to see of the rafting. Oh, and Kelsey has a freak out that she can’t get a massage because she’s “fine. FINE.”

But the date was cut short for good reason because guess what?! Just as the evening cocktail party is about to begin, Chris runs into JORDAN THE HOT MESS STUDENT ELIMINATED IN WEEK 2 in the lobby! AMAZING. These girls are THIRSTY for some Chris Soules.

Jordan starts out a big speech about how she drove from Colorado and how she feels so tortured that she let things end the way they did. She feels she has a “strong faith in God that led [her] here.” Meanwhile Chris’s face is like “uhhhhh…how do I get her to go away?”

He reminds the camera that the main reason he let her go is that he felt she was taking advantage of the open bar more than being there to find love. I would have to agree and this seems like the epitome of crazy.

She asks for a second chance with Chris, and, get this, HE ACTUALLY CONSIDERS IT. The dumb-dummy falls for it. She arrives on Chris’s arm to the cocktail party, and the women are steamed. None of them think she should be there, but here she is. Jordan will be staying for at least the cocktail party, and Chris has opened the door for the other women to share their feelings on her. Jordan is a barrel full of fish and Chris just handed all the women a semi-automatic gun.

Tempers flare all around not only towards Jordan herself, but between Ashley and Whitney as well. Ashley is of the mind that since no one wants Jordan to be there, they should all just be mean to her. She’s unwanted competition, so they can be mean to her. Whitney is being a sane person who thinks that even if she doesn’t want Jordan back at all, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to just be horrible to another person.

Each woman takes a portion of her time with Chris to emphasize that they do not want Jordan there. Some are eloquent and diplomatic, some are blunt, but no one wants her there.

In the Plush Ass Suite, Britt receives her date card. Carly also reveals that Britt is open about having not showered in weeks. Britt doesn’t shower. Ok. Alright. That’s a thing I now know. But more importantly the date card says, “The Sky’s the limit” and Britt crumples in terror. In her talking head, she actually breaks down crying because she’s so terrified of heights. Gimme a break, lady.

But for Jordan, her break has come once again, for her heart. That was a stretch, but basically, Chris sends Jordan right back home. She cries as she hugs all the girls goodbye again, but I feel good about Chris’s decision to not make every single woman livid. But even so, the tension in the room is thick as Chris returns to hand out the date rose. He gives it to Whitney for making him feel special and for being “there for the right reasons.” Yay Whitney! And Samantha has literally never said a single word on camera.

The seeds of discontent have been sown between Whitney and Ashley, as Ashley runs off to cry about the rose to Mackenzie. Mackenzie, for being 21, has a very wise moment as Ashley is whining about how “fake” she thinks Whitney is. Mackenzie simply says, “I just think you don’t like her.” And Ashley can’t really argue with that. The other women support Whitney though because I think, in general, people can’t deal with Ashley’s dramatics. I know I can’t.

Ah, now it is time for our one-on-one. Chris sneaks into the hotel room super early to wake up Britt. Britt is wearing just as much makeup first thing in the morning as she during a rose ceremony and Chris seems to think that’s just magical beauty. I think it’s not good for your skin, and Carly confirms that it’s not magic. It’s just that Britt actually puts on a full face of makeup before she goes to bed “just in case.” Well this time it paid off, and HOW PSYCHO IS THAT?! Carly and I, being soul-to-soul, agree that Britt needs to go away. And get a haircut.

They hop into a car and drive through the sunrise to a field where a hot air balloon is being inflated just for them. Britt was terrified all during the car ride because she’s soooo scared of heights, but as soon as she sees the hot air balloon she is giddy like a girl. What a fun and quirky girl she is. I DEFINITELY want to be her friend in real life.

New Mexico is really beautiful and I gotta say, I would never say no to a hot air balloon ride. It is beautiful and cool.

As the girls talk about why they don’t like Britt and think she’s weird, she and Chris arrive at his hotel suite. Scandal is a-brewing! The girls discuss how Britt said she’s in no hurry to get married and have kids. Chris and Britt talk about how they want SO MANY kids. The girls discuss how manipulative she is. Britt gets the rose. They don’t think she’s there for the right reasons. Chris and Britt kiss passionately in his bed.

“This date started in bed, and it ended in bed!” squeals Britt. And the last thing we see is Chris closing the bedroom doors of his suite. Dude. Things are HAPPENING THIS WEEK! FINALLY.

When Britt comes back from the date, she tells the whole room full of women exactly what they did, including coming back to his room. She shares that they “just ordered room service and took a nap.” She is met with [edited] stony silence.

None of the women are pleased by this, but least of all is Kelsey. This final act has made her feel the least special of all! And this must be rectified! And off she goes. Kelsey takes off into the resort to find Chris in his hotel room.

She has decided that this time, right now, is when she will tell her story to Chris.

“Otherwise I run the risk of being sent home without him knowing that I’m a widow,” Kelsey insists with an intensity that belies how serious this situation actually is. She then dives right into her story of her husband and their love and how he died. She and Chris embrace. It goes fine. Then we get this…

“Ugh! Isn’t my story just amazing?” a smiling Kelsey asks the camera, “It’s tragic, but it’s amazing. I love my story.” I feel…did she meet Juelia? I mean not that it’s a competition and a Sad Factory (though it can be) but as far as tragic and complex stories go, Juelia has her beat by a long-shot. And Juelia didn’t beam with pride about her tragedy. What the hell is going on here?

Then, as Kelsey and Chris embrace they begin to kiss. She kisses his nose with a tiny, tender baby kiss, and then I puked all my bones out. Kelsey is VERY pleased with how all this went.

“I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too,” she says. Oh isn’t it just? The type of bizarre behavior exhibited by Kelsey is a silent, threatening, terrifying kind. I’m concerned about her and the rest of the women. She genuinely thinks this show is all about her and how we get to be privy to a woman shattered by tragedy picking up the pieces and starting over in love. That’s me paraphrasing HER WORDS. Shut up? And also, I’m worried? Did she make it all up? Does she have borderline personality disorder and did she make up this story for attention? I’m so confused by and concerned about her!

To further this terrifying feeling, as the women gather for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony there is a current of tension running through the air. Everyone can feel it, even the women who have roses. We get to hear Samantha say her first words. And everyone is worried, except for Kelsey. She’s just smiling and laughing and having a great time because she is 100% positive she’ll receive a rose for revealing to Chris that she is a widow.

Just as she sits so smug, Chris walks in to give the pre-cocktail party speech. He is notoriously terrible at speeches, but this one seems especially strained. He stumbles over words as he describes the emotional week he’s had here in Santa Fe. When he gets to talking about the emotional talk he and Kelsey had, he says that it really made him think about this whole process and it put things into perspective. And then Chris gets so choked up that he is silent, then excuses himself from the room.

The women turn to Kelsey for some kind of explanation. She tells them that she went to his room to tell him her story and that it went well. Carly is suspicious of this because she believes that had Kelsey not done this, Kelsey would’ve gone home. Now that Kelsey did have that talk, Chris has to send someone else home instead. I get where she’s coming from but that might be flawed logic. He might be upset because he still wants to send her home even though she just poured her soul out to him.

Kelsey goes on that she doesn’t quite understand where this delay is coming from because “he knows what he needs to do.” And the women are like, “HOLD UP, WHAT NOW?” But Kelsey, through her wise tears, explains that today they spoke about time and how important time is. Because Kelsey understands what time means, “that every day is precious and you should never take it for granted.” And she talks about Chris like he’s her man that it’s the first time she’s seen him “act from the heart” in a while and that it’s hard because it means SHE has to say good-bye to people.

Girl. This show is not called The Kelsey. This show is called The Bachelor and nobody gives a crap about how hard it will be for YOU to say good-bye.

Chrarrison walks balk into the room to announce that Chris will forego a cocktail party and move straight to the rose ceremony. The women are panicked and emotional about this. Mackenzie, whose hair once again looks great, speculates that Kelsey should be more concerned than she is because she did open up so much that Chris might feel bad about sending her home.

And Kelsey finally gets that stark realization too. She does not want to go to a Rose Ceremony, and she gets up to excuse herself from the room. And the next thing you know, Kelsey is on the ground hyperventilating and in hysterics. An Australian woman named Diane with the longest ponytail in history tends to her on the ground as she cries out in agony and despair!

AND THEN WE CUT TO BLACK “TO BE CONTINUED…”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK ON WEDNESDAY BUT UNTIL THEN CHECK ME OUT ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD AND REMEMBER THE ASK IS ALWAYS OPEEEEEEEEEN.

Not even joking tho Aaron Tveit can take off a hat he's been wearing while dancing and stuff and his hair just pops back into perfect shape like what the hell

These are facts. His hair is always like...

...I woke up like this. Flawless.

It's really, really hot out, everyone. The heat is oppressive all across the country, and we here in Chicago have our very own Heat Advisory in effect until 10pm tonight. 10 pm! That is long after the sun will go down!

So, to bring you a little relief from the beating rays of Apollo's golden carriage, peruse these pictures of some excellent animals being the opposite of hot. Click the pictures to enlarge them and get really into the whole Eisbaer experience.

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

       I have been prancing around and singing “Hometown dates! Hometown dates! Toniiiight aaare the hometown daaates!” all day long. It is time, journeyers, time to meet the families of these men. Their families that may make or break them. This cut is always the very hardest I think, and I’m saying right here right now at 6:53pm 7/2/2012, as I prepare to watch the beautiful mess, that Chris is going home tonight and will be the final mystery man on Bachelor Pad*.

              Let us begin! Emily gets to spend some much needed time with her adorable daughter Ricki who clings to her like a baby koala. Ricki is one seriously adorable child, and I love the little scenes where we get to see how great a mom Emily is. I really want this to work out for them.

Just in case you haven’t been paying attention all season long, Emily spends a good couple of minutes recapping each remaining relationship. It all boils down to these basic facts about Chris, Jef, Arie, and Sean: they are nice guys who make Emily feel special and have “qualities” that Emily would look for in a husband. The standouts are Arie and Jef, with Sean close behind, and Chris bringing up the far rear running and waving his arms to be noticed and practically shouting, “HEY! Remember me?!” Emily is a good deal nervous for these dates though, and can we blame her? Meeting someone’s family is hard enough, but with a full camera crew and the knowledge that the whole event will be aired on television, the nerves would be pretttyyy high.

                  First stop is Chris! We get a lot of sweeping shots of the sexy, sexy beast that is Chicago in all its glory. Chris is a big fart, but Emily and he reunite in front of the historic Water Tower because “it’s the closest thing we have to a castle”. Which…false. Has he ever heard of a little thing called the Prairie District? They walk hand in hand down Michigan Avenue like happy tourists. Mr. Sam the Eagle actually made me chuckle at his comment that “On a scale from one to Polish...we’re Polish,” re: his first generation immigrant family. As a second gen-er myself, I can really relate, but I sure hope the Bukowski’s do us proud.

         At the famous Chicago eatery “Polish-American Restaurant”, they have a heart-to-heart about the last discussion they had in Prague. She thinks it’s so nice that Chris is man enough to admit when he’s wrong, but I think he acts like a big baby in time out and only apologizes when he feels he won’t get his way.

Deep in the farm lands far, far away from the city itself is where we find Chris’s family home. They welcome her with open arms and gather around a full dinner table for the meeting. I do believe I spy some pierogis on the table and several other Polish dishes that NO ONE WILL TOUCH BECAUSE THEY DON’T EAT ON THIS SHOW.

His dad, John, pulls Emily aside to talk to her. He’s a sweet man who, of course, loves his son very much. When Emily asks him if he’s ready to be a father to Ricki, he answers, “He will do his best”. As he’s talking, you can see that the apple did not fall far from the tree. John has the exact same mannerisms as Chris when he talks.

Chris’ very lovely mom makes sure he knows that “if you really love this woman, then you’ve got to get out there and kick ass and fight for her.” Chris’ sister Renee puts Emily under fire that if he is not the one and will end up broken hearted, that she should let him go “sooner rather than later”. Harsh words, but knowing Emily, she will do what her heart tells her and be merciful in the breakup.

      Emily and Chrissy have a cuddles moment outside in which Emily is physically pulling away from him. He tells her that he is “Definitely in love with her” and then they have more than just a few grandma kisses. Then, BLESS MY SOUL, there is a traditional Polish band and dance in the family’s backyard! So cute and fun! It should be noted that for however good we are at cooking and embroidery, we are not the best at making good music. And so ends the hometown with Chris. Nothing too groundbreaking on either a good or bad side, but I just don’t think this guy has a snowball’s chance in hell.

      St. George, Utah! All aboard! Jef’s family ranch is huge and surrounded by a national park. Holmstead Ranch is a sweeping masterpiece of landscape that they travel about in an ATV. I’m so jealous on so many levels.

And then they go skeet shootin’! “Who knew Jef in his skinny jeans was such a good shot?” Who knew, indeed, Emily? She’s nervous because he hit all the clay pigeons, but I have faith in our West Virginia girl. She hits them all, and goes, “I may or may not have pretended not to know how to hold a shot gun!” She uses a whole bunch of other guns like a pro. I don’t know why this endears me to her so much, but it really does. Jef and she have such a good thing going on here. They have that easy going thing where they can do anything at all and still have fun.

         Emily’s still hung up on the fact that Jef once broke up with a girl because his family didn’t like her. She is going to have to “work her charm” which is true, but I can’t imagine her Southern graces failing her at all.

Holy Mormonism, y’all. Jef has a ton of family members and sisters with babies on their hips. So many. So many like a beautiful army, and it’s not even all of them. It reminds me of that sketch from Portlandia where Fred and Carrie go to the free-range chicken farm, Aliki Farms, and join the commune as they fall in love with Aliki, and Jef is Aliki in this case.

     This time the fake-meal is a beautiful family picnic, and we’re assured that the toast is a “lemonade toast” because they are super Mormon. I’m a little disappointed that Jef’s brothers are nowhere near as good looking or cool as he is.

Emily keeps fidgeting and adjusting her clothes during her talk with Jef’s brother Steve. She is super nervous about making a good impression on them because she cares so much about him. The chat with the sisters was kind of like a firing range on the View. So many women sitting and grilling Emily and all agreeing he’d be a good father. At the very end, one of the little beans interrupts, and the children flock to her. She just fits right in and wins eeeverybody over. The family all give her two thumbs up, at least to camera.\

      Oh no, Jef wrote down some things that he will read to her now at this very scenic lookout. Hopefully, it’s less bad than Ryan’s horrible letters. Oh. Ok. It is better. It’s a list of things he loves about her and gets choked up about it. I might get the goose bumps because oh.my.gosh. It’s so sweet. He lists all the very little things he loves and promises to love Ricki too. I can’t believe that’s real. That’s a real thing. “It feels perfect inside my heart,” is how Emily sums it up.

Arie-time! Arie time! We meet up with him at the racetrack in Arizona! “I just wanted him to park the car so I could kiss him...Arie definitely looks...stupid hot,” Emily says when he finally gets out of the Indy car. Girl, you got it good right now. They go racing around the track together for funzies.

    At a little picnic, Arie reveals that he’s nervous for his very European (Dutch) parents to meet Emily. He warns that his mother will be the most closed-minded about the whole thing which spurs the little lovebirds to drink! Yay wine! Also yay to the phallic symbol fountain that we admire from afar and up close.

We meet Arie senior, his mom, his twin (SQUEE) brothers, and his lovely sister. They are one beautiful family. Leave it to the Dutch to be stunning. The conversation seems nice until they all start speaking in Dutch in front of her. “So rude!” quoth my friend Jenny, and I must agree. Finally, FINALLY, Arie breaks down and translates for her. It was general small talk, but still, a rude and unwelcoming thing to do.

      Arie’s mom is a little bit...risqué? Is that the word we want? She’s wearing a dress that accentuates her bust and shows her sequined bra strap. She is very tan. This is purely judgmental, but she seems like the crazy lady who is a gold-digger but hires a sexy pool boy to seduce while her husband’s away.

Emily and she have a standard conversation about whether or not Arie is ready for fatherhood. But she does level with Emily that being married to a racecar driver is a difficult life with how much they travel. By the end, the woman has kind of won me over, and she says, “I can’t wait for her to choose him, and they can be together.  They will make an awesome couple!”

    Coming out of the date, the “awesome couple” feel great about how the meeting went. It seems like the best hometown date so far. No shocker there. “I am ready to propose. I am definitely going to marry Emily, and I don’t think of it any other way,” proclaims Arie, and hearts all over America melt to goo.

Last stop, Dallas! We come upon smokin’ Sean and his sexy, sexy dogs. They walk the dogs and pick wildflowers and do some generally cute stuff.

      Some secret drama happens with Sean later, and we here at HQ are speculating that it is either a “Jane Eyre” Mr. Rochester deal where he’s keeping his crazy wife in the attic or it’s a “Psycho” special where he’s keeping his dead mother’s corpse in the basement. Attic or basement? Basement or attic? Time will reveal...

We meet his beautiful blonde family including two lovely moppets. His niece Kensington (seriously?) has a playhouse, but it is like a legit miniature house complete with its own air conditioning unit. It’s called Kensington Cottage which really triggers the old gag reflex. Of course, Emily wins her right over with cooing over the place.

     OH MY GOSH! IT’S PRACTICALLY AN ATTIC BOMB THAT SEAN DROPS! IT’S THE BIGGEST BOMB  THAT SEAN STILL LIVES AT HOME! HE IS 28 AND STILL LIVES AT HOME! HE HASN’T EVEN CLEANED UP.

Wait. He’s got to be pulling a practical joke. There are stuffed animals everywhere and broken cookies. This is an elaborate joke. THANK GOD! It IS a joke. Emily is indignant and kind of barely laughs because she was so sure that he was serious.

       Sean’s family is, of course, incredibly sweet and gracious. His father just has that kind of lovely glow and seems like a pastor/guidance counselor. He is a great man who just adores Emily and would welcome her into that family. His mother is equally kind and sweet.

Yet another great hometown on the bill. So great in fact that Sean chases after her car to give her just a few more kisses at the other side of the cul-de-sac. Sadly, we only see them from a distance because the camera guy couldn’t quite run there fast enough.    

Chris Harrison, dapper as ever, greets Emily for the rose ceremony in Los Angeles. Emily’s hair is high and close to God tonight, yeehaw. They recap everything that happened on the hometowns. Each one went really well and she loved all the families which is why she starts to breakdown talking about the cut she has to make. Like I said, this is the toughest cut to make, and she doesn’t want anyone’s family to think it was because of them.

   Here we go with the rose ceremony. First up is Arie in the least surprising event of all time. Next we got Sir Jef, Prince of the Goblins of Holmstead Ranch. Now it’s down to Sean and Chris......................it’s Sean! It’s Sean! Chris literally slumps in defeat when the ax falls.

He spits, “I’m not too surprised, to be honest with you.” And is really taking this like a dick and kind of disrespects her as she’s being so gracious to him. “I mean, how much faster could it move?! I told you that I loved you!” he interrupts, and she’s totally taken aback. I think it probably only solidified her decision in letting him fly. On his bye-bye limo ride he says he’s ten times the man than any of those men left in there to which I say HAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!  NOT THE TRUTH. “Stimt nicht” as they say auf Deutsh.

     But next week on the show we’re traveling to Curacao. Yet another place the gents can’t find on a map! There are a lot of very pretty sunset water kisses and swimming with dolphins and a very emotional breakdown for Emily. It’s also fantasy suit time you guys which means sexy, sexy kiss, kiss time.

I don’t normally bring up the final credits scene, but this was so exceptional. It featured Sean’s adorable, dorky dad. He pulls a Texas specialty out of the oven covered in tin foil, and tells Emily it’s Sean’s favorite. He reveals “steamed armadillo”! Like, a whole armadillo laying in a roasting pan of vegetables.  Emily, again, tries to be such a Southern lady until the dad squeals out that it’s just a joke! He giggles along with the rest of the family members. His dad totally keeps that fake armadillo around just to pull this joke on any and all northerners who come to their house. And for him, it never gets old. It was really his time to shine, and boy did he ever. Sean’s dad is the best!

Until we connect again next week, y’all!

*Turns out my super sleuthing logic skills were right. Chris Bukowski joins the upcoming season of the Bachelor Pad. Click here for more information on the full cast!

Henley Monday -

Friends, brethren, it's Christmastime again. And for a few weeks now, I have searched for holiday themed henley shots as my personal gift to you. The searching was all in vain, but I'm not one to give up so easily. So for the remaining advent weeks, I will bring you some TOTALLY CHRISTMAS AND HOLIDAY (LOOSELY) RELATED pictures of gorgeous men wearing henleys.

TODAY for instance is a man we have already once popularly featured here on Henley Monday. He is a man of great pecs, bulging biceps, a strong jaw, and sweet, sweet blue eyes revealing his sensitive side.

It's Chris Evans.

Also revealing of his sensitive side is the fact that he is speaking to the next generation and inspiring children with his tales of heroism and good fashion choices. What a great example of the spirit of Christmas!

You can't not trust a man wearing a henley when he tells you to always believe in yourself and chase your dreams.

The Bachelorette - Episode 2 Recap

Week two is where the magic and madness really begins on the Bachelorette, so let’s not delay any further.

Andi is once again so thrilled to be where she’s at, and the dudes equally so. Chris Harrison stops by the mansion to lay down the law of the land and leave the first date card. The first one-on-one goes to Erik. He’s so handsome; I can’t really stand it.

She pops by to pick him up in her sweet Audi convertible and the men surround her like a herd of hyenas to see them off. They drive down a scenic highway, and land at the beach. They just have a beach picnic and build sandcastles and fly kites and giggle like little kids!

“This chick’s pretty cool,” Eric says. Please don’t use the word chick, ever, but I’m glad you’re having fun. Then a HELICOPTER COMES! THANK GOD! Eric does a good job pretending to be impressed by a helicopter when he has motorcycled across half of Africa. They are whisked away to Bear Mountain that is covered in snow. Eric is a really good sport about pretending to be completely blown away by the magnificence of a single mountain.

Then LOUIE VITO comes snowboarding down the mountain to give them a snowboarding lesson! Louie Vito who I’m most familiar with through my other favorite TV show “The Pete Holmes Show” and Louie’s reckless ‘tude!

Eric is like flipping around on his snowboard, total pro, while Andi falls and trips and tumbles as she learns how to snowboard. Louie Vito is pretty hands on but he’s tiny, so Eric is chill. They snowboard and are generally adorable together. They literally cannot stop saying how amazing it is that they were on a beach in the morning and in the afternoon they were in the snow. They are amazed that such a thing could be humanly possible. Thanks to things like helicopters and planes and trains and cars and wheels and the human foot, this is very possible guys.

For the dinner date, Andi dons a rather large turtleneck sweater. It’s actually cute, but if I’m to understand from the previews, this will not be the last turtleneck we see. They snuggle up on a couch in front of a fire and share stories. He shares a particularly harrowing one about the time he spent in Syria. It was a near death experience where they were almost killed by some rebels. He’s so amazing, and I’m legitimately having a hard time watching this realizing that this man has since died.

Eric talks about his family and how everyone has a ton of kids, and he’s finally ready to settle down and start a family of his own. Andi is really taken by him and of course he gets the date rose no question about it.

Next up is the group date. Going on it are the following men: Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S. and Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face.

They meet up down in Hollywood to fulfill the date card “Let’s Bare our Souls.” This group has the most frat-boy mentality I’ve seen in a few seasons. So it’s perfectly fitting that for charity, these men will be doing a strip show/dance. They watch a group of seasoned performers shake, shimmy, and pose. And then a very scary man who is the director of the Hollywood Men wearing a blazer over a bare chest and some glasses, sets up the men to audition. The men are divided into three groups: cowboys, firefighters, and army-men. The robot solo is given to Nick and the aviator solo is given to Marcus. Andi is not secretive about how hot she thinks Marcus is.

Carl the real firefighter from Ft. Lauderdale is also going to be playing a firefighter here today. He has two full tattoo sleeves and is VERY ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

As they are going through the routines, the best part is the real dancers who are teaching them. They are holding little boom boxes and teaching these guys real dance steps for these routines. Marcus is very nervous about his solo, and he should be. All women have seen Channing Tatum dance to “Pony”. He’s got big shoes to fill in terms of female sexual fantasy. Except gross and like don’t etc.

Craig is continuing to be a big dork, and I hate him so much. He’s a “nerdy” bro and I wish he would just stop being around. He can’t stop talking about how hot Josh looks while dancing.

Nick S. is pretty thrilled about being the sexy robot, but Marcus is still really scared and nervous! Even as he gets into his adorable “Officer and a Gentleman” costume, his hands are trembling.

All the men have to get spray tanned and oiled up, and I’m pretty grossed out. Craig demands to have his package filled out. What a horrendous human.

But good news abounds because Sharleen and Kelly the Dog Lover/Sharp-Witted Diva are there to have fun alongside Andi!!!

The dancing begins with the cowboys, and Craig continues to be upset about how hot Josh is. Nick S. kills it as the robot and accidentally showed way too much. The firemen are the hottest though because duh. Chris Harrison slaps a butt with as little vigor as he could muster. The army guys get out there and continue to elicit screams and cries of delight from the wild audience.

Then it’s Marcus’ turn for his solo and he is so nervous. But then he tells us that when he got on stage he just looked to Andi’s beauty to calm himself and managed to have a good time. Wow. That woman’s face is so healing. How great. He does a good job. He’s no Chan-Chan though.

I’m sad there wasn’t more Kelly and Sharleen time. Carl the firefighter is covered in tattoos all over his beautiful body, and I’m gonna need more screen time for our friend Carl there.

Now that the dancing is done, we move onto the cocktail party portion of the date. The men spiff up quite nicely. If I’m not mistaken, this date is taking place in the same mansion at which Desiree filmed her “For the Right Reasons” music video.

Brian is really nervous about making a great impression, so he pulls her aside first. Andi tells him how much she enjoyed his performance. Their time goes so well that Andi ends up very impressed by him and his personality.

Josh M. looks like Mark Cuban to me from certain angles, so I’m having a hard time. He’s a former pro-baseball player, and Andi is super into his “type” but worried that that type of guy is why she’s still single. They have a nice talk and have pretty good chemistry together. Josh reassures her that he is not the “typical jock” and to not pigeon hole him so fast. We’ll see…

Craig is already blitzed drunk and still talking about how hot Josh is…

Back at the mansion the four remaining guys are on pins and needles waiting for the date card. It goes to Chris the sweet, sweet farmer.

Back at the group date, Blake is singing opera again on bended knee like a regular twat. Come on, Holland. Be cooler than that!

Craig is even drunker than before as he hunts down Andi to get alone time. She knows he’s super drunk and is pretty good about dealing with him. As they sit, she tells him he can ask her anything whenever. She is an open book. So Craig asks, “What’s the worst thing about your parents? Boom.”

As she continues talking with other guys, Craig continues to be the worst. Josh realizes that he’s kind of his wrangler and is like “Craig. Inside! Come on.” Like he’s a dog. Nick S gets in a swimsuit in the pool, and Craig jumps in fully clothed.

Andi is much displeased by this. “They do get that they’re here to date, right?” she begs to the camera. I don’t know, Andi. The rest of the guys are all pretty much done with Craig too.

The whole situation is overwhelming for Andi as she starts to question if it’s even worth it for her to be there. The producers finally lasso Craig to take him home, and Marcus whisks Andi away to calm her spirit.

As she tries to focus on the good parts of the date, she comes to give out the date rose. It, of course, goes to Marcus because she really likes him and also admired him for being brave with his dance solo.

Now we move along to Chris’s one-on-one date. He’s so sweet and so excited to show her a good time after the drama of the previous night’s date. They go to a fancy race track for a day of horse racing and glamorous times. She’s in a totally gorgeous green dress that I must have, and brings him to a closet to get all glammed up to match. He’s very good looking and also has the temperament of 10 year old golden retriever.  When he greets her again in his perfect grey suit with bowtie he says he feels like Pretty Woman. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

They have a fun time just being glamorous at the race track. And then an old couple (that might have been placed there by the producers but SHHHHSHSHH IT’S MAGIC) asks them how long they’ve been together. And the old couple talk about how they met and how they’ve been together for fifty-five years. They are so sweet. They met when he was playing baseball because AMERICA. It’s just a really sweet moment, even if those people are Chris Harrison’s grandparents or something.

For dinner they continue on at the race track, but now the whole place is theirs. I am slightly irritated two-thirds of the way through episode two that Andi keeps saying “stop! Stoooop!” in reaction to anything surprising or flattering the guys say. But during the date Chris shares that he was engaged at one point, but ultimately realized “darn it, it’s not there.” DARN. IT. HE SAID DARN IT. This man is character from a Nicholas Sparks novel.

He gets the date rose of course because he’s a very, very kind person who said some nice things to her that he didn’t realize were exactly the nice things she needed to hear. What a little cutie. Then they get the first private concert of the season from This Wild Life who are actually a really great little indie band and NOT some shitty d-list country singer! Stepping it up, Bachelor. They have a first kiss while dancing. I like them together.

And the final cocktail party is upon us. Andi is wearing a ridiculous dress that looks like something Whoopi might have warn in Sister Act but like when she was a lounge singer and not a nun, duh. Her hair and makeup is on point though. But this dress. Yikes.

Nick V., our first impression rose winner, has set up an elaborate one-on-one time with some strawberries and champagne. They talk about what they are both looking for in the next relationship. Surprise, surprise, they are both looking for a kind of forever love. A DOI. THAT’S WHAT ALL THE GUYS ON THE SHOW ARE GOING TO TELL YOU.

The guys have planned various fun-tivities to keep Andi’s interest piqued. She eats it all up like me in front of a hot cheese dip. She has a great kiss with Josh because he continues to woo her by being the big strong man who cannot keep it together around her because he’s got those little butterflies.

Then it’s time for Craig to try to apologize to Andi for being such a shit show on the last group date. “I have to do something more than just apologize,” he says as he does the unthinkable and slings a guitar around his body. Yes, God. What have I done to deserve such a bounty of gifts and blessings like Craig singing a song to Andi at week two?

The dudes feel equally blessed to bear witness to such a miracle and gather like little school girls to listen to him sing a song he wrote specifically for the situation.

Here are the lyrics. It should also be said that he is a horrible, horrible, singer.

“I messed up last night. / I had too much firefly. / I bared my junk to thirteen other guys. / But I hope and pray that it’s alright, Oh Andi. / Please let me stay.”

He doesn’t even know that he drank Fireball whiskey and not something he’s calling “firefly”. Craig is properly contrite but he is not that cute and seems kind of simple and it’s time to go home, ya jabronie.

Rose Ceremony time!

Who is in: Ron, Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Josh, Cody (WHY), Nick V., Patrick, Brian, Brett, and Bradley.

NOOOO SHE LET GO OF CARL THE INSANELY HOT, TATOOED FIREMAN WHO IS WEARING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME GLASSES RIGHT NOW. NO, CARL. PLEASE. I WILL SAVE YOU FROM THE INFERNO OF YOUR BROKEN HEART.

Also going home are Nick S. the pro-golfer and Craig the big fat dummy Dumbo. She tells him she thinks he’s a great person but “just couldn’t get past it.” He laments his foolish decisions, as well he should. What a dope, and good riddance.

On to bigger and better things, like the “dramatic two-night event” of the Bachelorette coming at us next week! So much drama! Many tears! Many men proving their worth and having a pissing contest! Until then, my loves. Next Tuesday/Wednesday for the double feature recap, and as always, twitter @Chasspod. Besos!

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Welcome to your recap of the Women Tell All which is always a tricky thing to recap as there is so, so much back and forth between embittered women on uncomfortable stools. I shall endeavor to convey the high emotional stakes to you, my dear readers. And without further ado, let’s jump in!

Oh no, just kidding, there will be MUCH further ado about nothing as we get to watch Chrises Harrison and Soules crash Bachelor viewing parties across LA. There are many, many screaming women, a drunken mom who kisses Chris on the mouth, one very douchey LA guy who says he loves the show, more screaming women, and all of this set to what I swear to God on High is the score from Beetlejuice.

And for more ado, we also have a highlight reel of the major dramatic points that will be addressed over the course of tonight. The two biggest issues at hand are Kelsey the condescending widow, and the beef between Britt and Carly. The video package ends on the rather chillier things Carly said about Britt as they were both eliminated, and we pull out of video to see Britt tearing up in her chair.

My patience level with Britt’s dramatics is starting off at about a 2, so she doesn’t have much to go on here. Starting out the gate crying is NOT going to help.

“Why did you pretend to be my friend the whole time?” Britt asks Carly. And then Britt launches into a literal Sob Story about how she sat on Carly’s bed and put cucumber slices from her salad onto her eyes because she’d been crying so much about not knowing where her and Chris’ connection had gone.

WOW. So much to unpack there. Firstly, Britt needs to pare down her words and get tougher skin. Secondly, that is such a stupid and specific thing she remembers of “putting cucumber slices from [her] salad onto [her] eyes.” I mean what the hell? Did they have dressing on them? Did you actually think that was going to help you depuff IN MEDIAS CRIES?

Things escalate to where many women are talking over each other either in defense of Carly or Britt. What Carly and co. want to say is that she was “friendly to” Britt because she didn’t want to create drama or be outwardly mean to someone. But they are all having a hard time putting that sentiment together.

Quick update on Carly’s eyebrows: it looks like her makeup was professionally done. She looks great, BUT those eyebrows are still mostly the same shape but have been filled in a lot. There is hope for her eyebrows yet.

Anyhow, Chrarrison tries to smooth things out by bringing Britt up into the hot seat right then and there. We hear more about how Britt believes that her relationship with Chris didn’t begin to crumble until Carly said something. Carly pipes up that Chris in his blog acknowledges that Carly was the third person to bring up Britt’s lack of authenticity to Chris. Ashley I. did and so did Jade.

Then Jillian rips into Carly saying how she badmouthed her (Jillian) to Chris in front of her and the other women. And then defends Britt as being one of the sweetest, purest of heart people she’s ever met. Um, ok. Thanks for that shining character reference coming from the woman who asked the most appalling “would you rather…” on her date.

Britt is now putting on the biggest show that she is crying.

“Your insecurity and your jealousy shined through,” Jillian screams at Carly. At this point Jillian is continuing to scream so much that Chrarrison has to whistle to get her to calm down.

“You’re a little jacked up!” Chris says. And she calms down enough to hear more from Britt.

Basically, Britt is overwhelmed by the powers of editing and that the producers have an end game that isn’t necessarily “the truth.” Just in how she was as she was leaving the show, she has no idea how this game works. It’s a game, Britt. So yes, they are going to cut a scene of you telling Chris how you can’t wait to have kids with a scene of the women talking about how you said you didn’t want kids. They do that so that we watch the show and decide that you’re an evil, manipulative cow. Which, you’re not. I just think you’re naïve and on top of that a person I would never get along with in any capacity. But she takes everything so goddamn personally that she can’t see the forest through the trees.

As they cut to commercial, she cries even more. But she’s not crying. She’s just closing her eyes really tight, quivering her lips, and shaking her shoulders. For someone who’s trying to wipe away a reputation as fake, she would be wise to produce more actual tears.

The audience’s reaction to Carly is mixed. There’s both cheering and booing after what she says to Britt. This Women Tell All has become the Carly and Britt Show, and I don’t care for it. I don’t care that Carly said some mean things (at the prodding of the producers) about Britt. I don’t care that Britt might have been fake. They both got eliminated! Work it out off camera, ladies!

“Do you honestly think that had Carly not been in the picture, you’d still be with Chris?” Chrarrison asks.

And Britt silently nods her head as many women pipe up with “no’s”. That’s that. That’s not…no. That’s just not even close to the truth, Britt. She finally actually cries some tears to Chrarrison in what she thinks is an off camera moment. Well, Britt, goodbye.

Now we move right along from that pile up, to Kelsey our “Black Widow.” I have never in my life heard or used the word widow so much as on this season on the Bachelor.

So as we pull away from the shots of all the women celebrating on Kelsey’s elimination, we see Kelsey tearing up. She actually tears up though and cries as she describes how this whole thing has put her back in the grieving stage. She was starting to feel whole again, but now, after this experience, she’s back in terrible place.

Oh please, because you insulted everyone around you and acted like a prized idiot you’re grieving? That’s what she says as she cries so hard she asks for a tissue. I feel like ordinarily they have tissues at the ready but this time no, just Chrarrison, ever the gentleman, offering her his hanky.

“Are you sure?” she asks, “It’s silk.” He nods, so she uses it. And then there is a sound of audible disgust from the audience. Hankies are a gross concept to be sure, but Kelsey did nothing but use it for its designated purpose. Come on, audience; lighten up on her a little.

“Do you know why the women disliked you so much?” Chrarrs asks after our snot blowing break.

She hems a little before saying, “I’ve been told that I seem condescending and I use big words.”

YEAH KELSEY, YOU’RE BEING CONDESCENDING BY SAYING THAT YOU WERE TOLD YOU “SEEM” THAT WAY AND BY SAYING “BIG WODS” INSTEAD OF SAYING “LARGE VOCABULARY” AS IF THAT WOULD FURTHER CONFUSE THESE DUM-DUMS WHO DON’T KNOW BIG WORDS.

After she continues her speech about how she felt so attacked and the women are rearing to tear her up, she ends by apologizing to Ashely for the disrespectful things she said about her as they both left.

Then it’s time to really lay into Kelsey. Juelia, the other widow, is upset at how Kelsey used her tragedy as a tool and says she is the fakest person she’s ever met. Megan, whose father died suddenly in a similar way to Kelsey’s husband, can’t understand why she said the things she said about her story. Megan also hands what may be the only olive branch Kelsey gets by saying that she thinks Kelsey was still grieving, but then why did she come on the show?

Why indeed, Kelsey? And for having such a big vocabulary, she does a very poor job explaining why she said the things she said in the way she said them. We move away from Kelsey feeling like nothing is really sorted and life is meaningless and the universe just keeps quietly expanding yet remaining infinite. INFINITY CAN’T GROW, BUT IT CAN BECAUSE UNIVERSE.

Speaking of space, this is a genuinely natural transition and I’m super thrilled about it, we have Ashley S.! She is here to atone for her erratic and alien-like behavior on the show that even managed to flap the unflappable Chris Harrison.

Ashley is majestic. I will say, however, that even though I cracked wise and made jokes about her being on opiates, she might actually be. She is erratic and strange, and I worry that she might actually have some kind of issue. She speaks strangely and reacts in a way that does not say she is all there. I mean, she might be. This bizarre alien being might be who she really is, but something tells me she’s not all right. So we shouldn’t poke too much fun.

What I can point out though is that Ashley S, being inspired by her time on the show, has started growing onions. She brought Chrarrison an onion as hosting gift, and let me tell you he is downright tickled by it.

Something else I’ll add to the Ashley S. discussion is that she is very confident in all her replies. Ashley S. is Ashley S. and while everyone in the audience is tittering about what she’s saying, I think she may, possibly, be in on the joke. She acknowledges how much the cameras make her just act silly because it’s all absurd.

Chrarrison then breaks character for once in his life to ask, nay beg, Ashley to join Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd chants “Do it!” and she responds, “It’s so weird…just that we’re on TV.” Ashley S. might be smarter than all of us because she just deflected that like a pro.

Next on the hot seat is Jade in a banging red body-con dress. Body be banging. Body. Be. Banging. But also her brain and personality be banging. She’s so calm and sweet. She was upset that Chris rejected her after they had such a strong connection and had seemingly moved on after she revealed that she modeled for Playboy. She is very upset that he seemed to act one way with her even as they broke up and then called it “disturbing” in his blog that the girl he saw was different than the girl her family described.

Jade is too good to deal with a simple, idiot farmer from Iowa calling her actions “disturbing” in any way. She’s the only one other than maybe Kaitlyn who has legitimate beef with Chris for his actions and words. He’s a real piece of work, but in quiet ways, which is why I don’t know if this will be the blood bath I want it to be.

And OH MY GOD, we still aren’t getting to tromp Chris out there. Kaitlyn, the most recent reject, has a turn up on the hot seat. She is still reeling from getting eliminated in Bali and wants answers. She felt the most confident she’d ever felt at the rose ceremony during which she was eliminated.

“Honest to God, I think about this every day. Every single day since this happen I wonder why couldn’t he have given me one tiny little sign that maybe I wasn’t the one?” Kaitlyn reveals. She got a really big serving of a broken heart from Chris and just wants to understand more of what happened.

So finally, after nearly two hours of highly emotional women and back and forth that got us nowhere, Chris Soules comes marching out to the hot seat. WOW. SHOCKER OF THE CENTURY: BRITT FEELS SHE NEEDS STILL MORE ATTENTION AND BEGINS “CRYING” IMMEDIATELY UPON SEEING CHRIS.

Chrarrison hands the floor over to her right away and she comes up on stage and hugs Chris for an uncomfortable period of time. Britt starts right away by telling Chris, in the most put-on humble way, that she doesn’t blame Chris for believing Carly because Britt believed her lies too. Oh! Britt! Get thee to Days of Our Lives!

“Thank you for all that, but I want you to know that the reason things didn’t work out wasn’t because I believed or didn’t believe Carly. I mean, my decision was based on our journey together and our relationship, and there’s some things that I saw and felt that it wasn’t right,” Chris explains. Because yeah, Carly isn’t some conniving villain set out to destroy love with her litany of lies. Jesus, Britt, get a hold of yourself.

“Thank you,” she says as she wipes away yet more tears THAT AREN’T THERE, “That makes me feel better.” Oh, ok. Sure. Now you feel better that he dumped you because you were a selfish brat who threw a hissy fit about not getting your way?

Chris is really over all her theatrics and is just humoring her at this point. I think we might be done with Britt now once and for all.

Now that Britt got her martyr’s speech out of the way, we move onto Kaitlyn who has an actual reason to talk to Chris. Girlfriend needs and wants closure because she got hit by a truck when she was eliminated and given no real reason why.

She keeps coming back to the fact that he wanted her to put her guard down and be vulnerable, and as soon as she did that and opened herself up, he kicked her to the curb. Now, to be fair to Chris (though he doesn’t fully deserve it) part of what being vulnerable means is that you can get hurt and you understand that the relationship is worth the risk of getting hurt.

Chris still doesn’t have an explanation for her as to what happened and that he feels it was “like throwing darts in the dark.” OH SURE, MAKE HER FEEL BETTER BY SAYING IT WAS RANDOM.

Kaitlyn is having none of that and pipes up that Chris should have given her the same chance to talk as he did to Becca, and he should have given her the same courtesy Andi gave him by not putting her through the agony of a rose ceremony at that point in their relationship.

“What in your mind was making you think ‘You know, I’m gonna make her stand through that Rose Ceremony’?” Kaitlyn asks.

Chris apologizes for putting her through that and basically says he was doing the best he could because it was his first time being the Bachelor. HAHAHAH OH HOW RIBALD. WE HAVE FUN HERE CHRIS, YOU GIANT ASS.

To continue the skewering of Chris’s ass-hattery, Jade comes up to talk to Chris about how he sent her home and what he said to her. She calls him out for calling what he saw in her “disturbing” which he stumbles around an explanation that that was just a poor choice of words.

Jade is very well spoken and composed during all of this. She is having none of this. Chris’s reaction to her photos and basically lying to her face and saying it was all ok and then calling the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable gets put on the table. He just again, chalks it up to a poor choice of words and says that they both felt a little awkward. So that’s that. No justice for the wronged, Jade.

And then it is time for Chris Harrison’s favorite moment of any season, THE BLOOPER REEL! NOBODY LOVES ANNOUNCING A BLOOPER REEL LIKE CHRARRISON.

And that brings us the end of the Women Tell All. I will see all of your shining, beautiful faces next WEDNESDAY (ON TIME FOR ONCE THIS SEASON, I PROMISE). We have the big finale to look forward to, and although I have a very clear pick for the winner, I feel that my hopes will be thwarted. But we shall see to what extent Chris Soules shows his ass! Until they my sweets!