The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

The Bachelorette - The Finale Recap

   It is finally here. The moment we have been eagerly awaiting for almost three months. Emily Maynard’s final decision and the start of the rest of her life of happiness! When we began our journey back in May, I had no prior knowledge of Ms. Maynard, and was fully prepared to be rooting against her and disliking her entirely. But, over the course of her jouner (ding-ding-ding! Bachelore trademark word!), she has completely won me over. All I want is for her and Ricki to have a happy life and complete family and so many freaking babies.

So let’s kick off! Finally we begin an episode with ZERO montages from the season before. But…we do start with Chris Harrison opening his arms to welcome us to a live studio audience which will watch alongside the rest of America. “The studio audience here is on the edge of their seats!” and the crowd goes WILD! After the Final Rose will also be live because we need to the minute updates on the lives of these three (four counting Ricki) people.

        We are still in Curacao, but now Ricki is here! And the Maynard girls are staying in a regular MANSE with a huge pool with a bridge over it and a private beach. Sheesh. They have all the luck. Emily is really worried about this choice she has to make. She needs “an exceptional man, who will be a great husband and a great dad” truth lady. Truth.

To help her make this decision, we meet Emily’s family who are staying in another manse on the island. Jef is first up to meet the family and he brings flowers for the mom and sister-in-law.

Emily’s mom, dad, brother, and future sister-in-law all sit down for what will be a very intense luncheon. They have good energy even though I’m sure everyone is super nervous and uncomfortable. Mom-Susie pulls Jef aside for a heart-to-heart, and they have just a really sweet and nice conversation. Jef is honest as always with Susie’s hard hitting questions about his intentions and readiness to be a dad.

     HOLY CRAP, GUYS! WE SEE THEM ACTUALLY EATING FOOD. Brother-Ernie has a half eaten Sammie in his hand, Jef is chewing, everything is ok! They have nutrition! Praise the harvest gods of Curacao!

The producers want us to believe that Ernie is going to be all mean and protective of his sister, but he’s a Maynard, so he’s protective in a kind and gentlemanly way. He and Jef chat about true love and if Jef really has a special enough connection (ding-ding-ding!) with her. Jef says “She had love, like, ripped from her. She knows what it feels like, and when she feels it again, she’ll know…And I’ve never been so in love with a girl.” Which…Jef. Oh, Jef. So sweet and beautiful. Ernie and Jef bro-hug it out.

                Now it’s time for Jef and Dad-David to discuss the exact same thing as with every other family member. So we’ll skip that, but Jef asks for his blessing to ask Emily’s hand in marriage. He gives it readily! Thanks, Daddy-David.

Jef feels that the day could not have gone better, but the final step will be for him to meet Ricki. But will she let him?!

After an unneeded interlude from Chrarrison where he says, “First things first, let’s find out!” which doesn’t entirely make sense. I mean, it does, but also, I don’t think it’s exactly accurate? Whatever, it’s Arie-time!

     Arie, in his never ending attempts to make me literally drool over him, wears yet another henley. They all sit down, and it’s soooooooo awkward. He tries to bond with her dad and brother about fishing, and fails. And he goes, “When I’m nervous, I talk a lot!” and he talked…a lot, at least that’s what the producers are having us believe.

I did notice that he didn’t bring flowers or any kind of gift, until he brings out the gift. He bought a box in a Curacao tourist joint and put every rose that Emily’s ever given him into the box. That is so heartfelt and thoughtful and sweet. It’s like he put his heart in a box like Davy Jones only less tragic and literal and kelp-y. “Each of them symbolize this journey [ding-ding-ding!] and adventure,” he says. Mom-Susie is smitten that he would give away something so precious to him.

Mom-susie and Arie have a lovely chat where Arie says, “I just want her to believe in us because I do.” SWOON, GUYS, SWOON. And I think Mom-Susie might be confusing her role in this because she says “I’m blown away. I really thought this would be easy today because of my feelings for Jef…but I just love them both.” Cool it, Mom-Susie. These men are not for you and your feelings.

         Next in succession is Ernie with his discerning eye who kind of accuses Arie of being slick. But Arie geeks out over his love from Emily and the smile broadens on Ernie’s face because love makes you dorky and even a sexy-ass racecar driver gets dorky in love. Ernie, too, is confused about what he should tell Emily as to her choice.

Now Daddy-David and Arie talk, and it’s all rainbows. We can kind of hear the live-studio-audience laughing where there is a dramatic pause after Arie asks for her hand in marriage. This is unnecessary. If there’s one thing the Bachelorette sorely does not need, it’s a laugh-track.

I am not a huge fan of the maxi-dress Emily is wearing today. It appears to be Missoni, but I’m not sure. The top is kind of strange and unflattering and the colors are garish in a not nice way. Anyways, when she sits down with the family to discuss their decision, they can’t give a straight answer. They both seem like real nice “fellas” and she is so ticked that they can’t tell her with whom they have a stronger connection (ding-ding-ding!).

     Mom-susie gives her good advice about needing to fit the guy into Emily and Ricki’s life rather than fit Ricki in Emily and Man’s life. She tells Emily to wait on any kind of engagement until they can figure out what life is really like together.  Emily is confused and sad but mostly confused.

This is the final date with Jef! We see Emily and Ricki being so cute to start it off, they eat breakfast and feed toast crusts to the birds. And then we skip right to Emily and Jef alone on a secluded beach. This date seems so natural and real. There is nothing special going on, so the conversation is just like that between two regular people in love.

     Jef really wants to meet Ricki. He is trying to be gentle about saying, “I freaking NEED to meet this kid!” by skirting that he loves kids and wants a family and that Emily is everything he’s ever wanted. Emily is understandably hesitant because she still carries a guilty conscience that she introduced Brad to Ricki and then it didn’t work out.

Jef tries to show her his perspective, and after a long pause, Emily decides that Jef shall meet Ricki! This is HUGE. HUGE, Y’ALL. I also can’t wait because the cuteness factor is gonna be through the roof.

    To make Ricki the most comfortable, they go to the house they’ve been staying in. They peer through the slatted doors at her playing in the pool. “That’s her!” Emily whispers to Jef’s lighted face. Then they meet and I temporarily loose feeling in my brain because Ricki is all giggling and showing Jef the tricks she can do in the pool. They bond instantly and she wants Jef to play in the pool too. He straps on a pair of matching pink goggles to Ricki’s, and they frolic about in the pool and my brain is dead because he’s so good with kids!

    Jef is so taken with her and loved every second of the fun they had. They feed the iguanas and play with hermit crabs and Ricki shows him all her stuffed animals. I can’t even handle it. Club can’t even handle me right now. Emily, Jef, and I are all in agreement that the day could not have gone better and was a really good decision.

     Now it’s “dinner” time, and I don’t think we’ll be so lucky as to catch them ingesting actual comestibles again. Emily tells Jef the best thing he could ever want to hear that Ricki asked if Jef could come back tomorrow to play. SO CUTE. They are all giggling while kissing and just talking.  

Jef presents her with a book about Curacao which at first blush is kind of lame, but then they open it and Jef has drawn stick figures of them all over the book. She laughs with delight. They are comfortable and easy together. He utters the famed phrase, “I just want to hold her hand until I’m 110.” The best.

Thunder cracks and lightning streaks the sky as Jef says the hardest good-bye of his life to Emily. It’s got to be hard to be so in love with someone, and not sure if you can really be with that person.

Now we’re back in the studio and Chrarrison desperately fills time by asking random audience members what makes Jef special and what they think about Emily being a single mom. Boring. Dumb. Come on! Get to the good-stuff!

   Back at the manse, we hear a knock on the door. Emily is wearing the outfit from the previews where she is having a breakdown. What’s going on!? She has a sense of peace about what she needs to do. She needs the fatherly advice of the sagacious Chris Harrison. They discuss bits and pieces about the guys and Ricki until finally she comes right out and says that Jef is her guy. She’s made up her mind that he is “everything she’s been looking for.” That is so sweet and great, but poor Arie. Oh, no. Poor, poor Arie. But Jef! She’s picking the Elvin King!

Chrarrison is genuinely happy for her, but levels with her about what to do about Arie. She knows she can’t sit through the entire date with Arie without crying and being a wreck. Emily doesn’t know how to even start the conversation that for as much as she loves Arie, she fell in love with someone a little bit more. The best piece of advice is for her to be as honest with Arie as she was with Chrarrison. Let’s hope she can follow through so as to spare some of the hurt and heartbreak.

She’s a wreck and pretty much can’t stop crying. I don’t blame her because she has to rip this guy’s heart in two.

Then we break to unsuspecting Arie at a botanical garden who learns how to make a love potion. He’s so excited and having fun and I just want to protect him. The fact that they’re making a love potion is so cruel. Oh,  the dramatic irony!

Emily is still crying as she approaches Arie at the gardens. By a miracle, she manages to pull it together enough that he can’t tell she’s been weeping all morning. The tone of voice and way she’s treating him is how she treats and talks to Ricki. She is in default mom-mode of trying to care for him. And then they sit down and she loses it. He’s being so good and comforting to her and asking what’s wrong.

     And then he realizes. You see the light behind his eyes die as he figures out that she’s dumping him. He doesn’t understand. How could he? He is the saddest panda in the whole world. She thought it was gonna be them all the way to the end. He is holding back the tears and she is openly weeping. This is rough. This is rough stuff. She barely manages to get out that she just has “more confidence in Jef” and that she meant all the things she ever said to Arie, but it’s hard.

He kisses her on the cheek and goes. “Good luck. I don’t know what else to say,” he manages. And it’s fine that he’s a little angry, but hugs her so hard that we can hear his heart beat on his body mic. It’s racing. That’s sad. His heart is racing because it’s breaking apart. He can barely get into the car with all the equipment, and leave Emily a sobbing mess. This is hard to watch, y’all.

The mood in the studio is somber, everyone’s face is drawn, and one woman wipes away a faux tear. Chris brings us back though as we talk with some former cast members. It’s Ashley and J.P.! They are so cute and in love! Ashley is so lovely and adorable, and J.P. is the epitome of man and charm. We talk to Deanna who commends Emily for sparing Arie the embarrassment of the engagement and not introducing him to Ricki. Then we talk to Bachelor family favorite Michael Stagliano! He has the same nice things to say that it’s really hard to be dumped on TV and that Arie will be just fine. Then the lady herself, Ashley Spivey, comes up in a SKIN TIGHT slamming dress. Sheesh, girl. She is happy for Emily.

     Now it’s all happiness and love back in Curacao. Emily is getting ready for her big day with Ricki who is wearing her super freaking cool fanny pack. Jef meets with resident creepy ring maker, Neil Lane, to pick out his engagement ring. He picks a good one, too. Jef can’t wait to be the best dad and best husband ever, even though he doesn’t know he’s the only guy left!

Emily’s dress is an earthen red clay color, all gossamer and wispy on the bottom, and heavily beaded up top. Very Amazon warrior-esque. I didn’t think I’d like it from the hanger, but she looks beautiful in it, and it moves like a dream. The only thing less than perfect is that I think her little podium of love might be set up right where she dumped Sean and had that sad conversation with him. Maybe not, but still, yeesh.

     The music is swelling, they are so excited! Jef WILL propose! Emily doesn’t know if she’ll say yes! And then he’s there. Jef, in his gorgeously, perfectly tailored navy blue suit with a tiny tie and POCKET SQUARE, is left by Chris Harrison at the gates to love. His smile is wide and his hair is high as he takes a moment to compose himself before approaching Emily.

Oops, y’all, I’m crying. Because Emily can tell him that the whole journey (ding-ding-ding!) was worth it because it brought her to him, her soul-mate. She can finally say that she loves him! So, so much! And she gets to tell him he’s the only one who met Ricki and the only one there today. It’s the best thing he’s ever heard.

     Then he takes her hands and starts being his eloquent self in telling her how much he loves her.  And that “it’s so rare that you find the person you’re meant to be with.” And I’m crying more. And he says, “I think God puts the right people in our lives, when the time is just right. And I feel like that with us.” And the tears are flowing. “I promise that if you let me into your life, and Ricki’s life, that you will never feel lonely again,” he earnestly professes. So earnest. Earnest Jef.

So he gets down on one knee, and shows the cameras the Neil Lane ring box, and asks Emily to marry him. After a pregnant pause, she smiles and says, “yes!” OUR GIRL DID IT! SHE’S ENGAGED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE! I’M SO HAPPY FOR HER AND HIM AND RICKI.

    And then to break my happiness they montage their relationship to “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera because why the eff not to Peter Cetera the epitome of relevance? It’s so lame that I think it might be self-aware at how cheesy it is. Especially at the part when the lyrics are “like a knight in shining armor” and it shows Jef in his kilt shooting a bow and arrow. I’m laughing away my tears now because it’s so dumb happy.

The final image is of Ricki holding Emily’s hand and Emily holding Jef’s hand as they walk away toward their life of happiness together. What a perfectly sweet way to end this journey (DING-DING-DING!!!).

   That brings us to the end of the official episodes of this dramatic season of the Bachelorette. Thank you so much for coming along and reading all the antics of these crazy, wonderful people with me. I really feel confident in our connection, y’all, so I know when the next lucky Bachelor (please God let it be Sean or Arie) comes along, you’ll be right here with me.

Peace and love, Journeyers, peace and love.

Henley Monday - Late Edition

As promised I bring you the second installment of today's double issue of Henley Monday.

It's Alexander Skarsgard. The second star of True Blood to be featured in the series, but how could I resist? How could anyone resist that stoic Scandinavian expression? Those eyes? That HAIR? These guys are KILLING IT with the henley/hair combos!

He stares as if to beckon you to join him on that bed of leaves and stare up at the clouds in the autumn sky as you while away the hours together warmed by the sun and the laughter you share. *sigh*

Tribute Time: Parks and Recreation

I know you've all been dying for me to speak in more hyperbolic terms. So here you go: The greatest show on television right now is not Game of Thrones or Mad Men or even Modern Family. Though, holy crap, I love those shows.

         No, the greatest show on TV is Parks and Recreation. In a vast sea of ensemble mocumentary shows, this one stands out because it's populated with the most likable group of characters in the most likable fictional small town of Pawnee, Indiana. It is an unabashedly happy show without being saccharine or twee.

             If you aren't watching it, you should be. It will do nothing but bring you happiness. If you haven't given yourself this great gift, or you'd like to compare your list to mine, I bring you my top five favorite episodes of the show:

               Season 3; Episode 13 "The Fight" - Things get a little heated while everyone's at the Snakehole Lounge pimping Tom's latest business venture Snake Juice.

Season 4; Episode 6   "The Treaty" - A Model UN conference sets off Ben and Leslie, bringing their internal conflict very, very external.

Season 3; Episode 5   "Media Blitz" To promote the upcoming Harvest Festival (also a great episode) Ben and Leslie set out to talk to local Pawnee media giants, and it turns out Ben is a little camera shy.

Season 3; Episode 2  "Flu Season" A pretty violent strain of flu sweeps through Pawnee and manages to take down even its strongest citizens. Chris (Rob Lowe) is really the star of this one.

Season 2; Episode 9  "The Camel" The whole department sets out to submit a mural, but butt heads when everyone has their own, very personal, idea. It showcases each character perfectly. 

                As a general post-script, this great show is also home to the greatest character ever written for film and television: Jean-Ralphio Saperstein.

SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS PLAYING HOUSE

Before you get the good times rolling with the ladies of PLAYING HOUSE, roll on over here http://interactivehouse.usanetwork.com/home. Series premiere April 29 Tuesdays 10/9c on USA #playinghouseusa

Hey kids, what's that? Two posts in one day? YES OF COURSE I CAN! IT'S FEMALE EMPOWERMENT FRIDAY! Anyways I'm constructing a lengthy and exhaustive post dedicated to the ways that Jessica St. Clair and Lennon Parham have directly improved my life (THEY ARE MYRIAD). But for right now and until Playing House premiers next week (Tuesday 4/29 10/9C) tide yourself over with this interactive adventure!

I may or may not have spent the last 40+ minutes with the gals, and let me tell you it is worth it. It's worth it, if for nothing else, to hear Jessica proclaim she is "good with a meat". Woman, I feel you. Ditto to the highest degree.

Henley Monday - New Years Eve 2012 Special

Hey ladies, hey gentleman, it's Ryan Gosling our Patron Saint of Henleys all lit up to bring you happy holiday tidings and wishes for a happy new year ahead of you. Because it's the end of the year, and you've worked so hard to come so far, he thought he'd extend to you a gift. A special mega edition of Henley Monday featuring not just one picture, but SEVEN pictures of SEVEN DIFFERENT MEN in henleys.

HAPPY NEW YEAR LOVE THE MEN OF THE AVENGERS ALL WEARING HENLEYS!!!

Jeremy Renner shooting Cupid's arrow straight through your heart for much love in your year.

The Honorable RDJ smiles down wishes for a prosperous 2013 full of fortune, fame, and delicious shwarma.

Chris Evans stews over the ways he wants to bring peace and goodwill to all here in America and all over the globe.

Giant Chris Hemsworth is tenderly cradling his teensy-tinesy baby girl just as he tenderly cradles your hopes and dreams.

Mark Ruffalo wants you to stand up for something, whether it be for yourself or for the rights of others. Don't get angry, get active!

And finally, Tom Hiddleston, with the help of our dear friend Benedict Cumberbatch, want to remind you to be safe, be great, and be productive in the coming year.

Love to all you out there, and Happy New Year!!!

Unlikely Love: Happy Valentine's Day!

                              Today is Valentine's Day. A day that, despite some pretty negative press, I find delightful.

It's the middle of winter.  The time of year when everything is gray and dreary and cold, and here comes Valentine's Day with red and pink and purple hearts and sparkles to brighten everything up!

Have I been single for every Valentine's Day of my life, save one my sophomore year of high school that I can't recall in the least? You bet.

Have there been Valentine's Days when I've wanted to throw snow and poop at couples in love and enjoying themselves? Definitely.

Would I probably enjoy having someone send me flowers and chocolate and professing his love via greeting card? I mean, duh.

But, being an adult now, I can look at this day as the brightly colored spectacle that it is. One shining day in which it's perfectly alright to share with those I love just how much, and why, I love them. I try to make a practice of that regularly (you should too), but why waste a perfectly good excuse to be down right mushy-gushy?

So, in honor of this St. Valentine's Day, I will be periodically posting some fine examples of love songs and damn fine performances from the one and only Celine Dion.

XOXOXOXOXO

Your Polar Bear

[heart]BREAKING NEWS: The Bachelorette's Emily Maynard and Jef Holm SPLIT

Love is dead.

Well, their love is dead, at least. As followers of the blog remember, we all spent a significant amount of time together last summer following the trials and tribulations of one Emily Maynard in her quest to find lasting true love in a husband and father for her little girl Ricki.

At the finale, all our hearts swelled as she chose Jef Holm, the hip, formerly Mormon entrepreneur of a fresh water charity (link to it here. because fresh water is the only thing more important that true love) with hair high as the heavens and features like an Elvin Prince.

But now, after a few weeks of hushed rumors that the lovebirds were no longer flocking together, Team Jem has officially released statements confirming our worst fears.

I am a realistic person. I realize that the track record of success in the Bachelor franchise is a terrible, terrible track record. I also acknowledge that the ridiculous circumstances of the show don't exactly lend themselves to preparing couples for a real-world relationship after you've scaled mountains together and had private concerts from EFFING DOLLY PARTON.

But the reason we all watched and rooted for our girl Emily was because they got us to care. We cared about her. And I am so so sad that she has once again come up short. The only thing we can do now is hold our loved ones dear until January rolls around and we can have the same thrilling experience when Sean is our Bachelor.

Click here for the Entertainment Weekly story and official statements from both Emily and Jef.

RIP LOVE. And best of luck to Emily Maynard and her adorable moppet.

Henley Monday:

Did you think I forgot about you today, my babies? Did you think I thought you didn't need a studly hunk wearing fashion's greatest layering piece to get you from Monday night through til Tuesday?

NEVER. I would NEVER forget you. I might ALMOST forget you, but I would never actually forget.

Ryan Kwanten gets it. He understands a lot of things; namely, the way straight to our hearts and lady parts.

The Bachelorette - Episode 2 Recap

Week two is where the magic and madness really begins on the Bachelorette, so let’s not delay any further.

Andi is once again so thrilled to be where she’s at, and the dudes equally so. Chris Harrison stops by the mansion to lay down the law of the land and leave the first date card. The first one-on-one goes to Erik. He’s so handsome; I can’t really stand it.

She pops by to pick him up in her sweet Audi convertible and the men surround her like a herd of hyenas to see them off. They drive down a scenic highway, and land at the beach. They just have a beach picnic and build sandcastles and fly kites and giggle like little kids!

“This chick’s pretty cool,” Eric says. Please don’t use the word chick, ever, but I’m glad you’re having fun. Then a HELICOPTER COMES! THANK GOD! Eric does a good job pretending to be impressed by a helicopter when he has motorcycled across half of Africa. They are whisked away to Bear Mountain that is covered in snow. Eric is a really good sport about pretending to be completely blown away by the magnificence of a single mountain.

Then LOUIE VITO comes snowboarding down the mountain to give them a snowboarding lesson! Louie Vito who I’m most familiar with through my other favorite TV show “The Pete Holmes Show” and Louie’s reckless ‘tude!

Eric is like flipping around on his snowboard, total pro, while Andi falls and trips and tumbles as she learns how to snowboard. Louie Vito is pretty hands on but he’s tiny, so Eric is chill. They snowboard and are generally adorable together. They literally cannot stop saying how amazing it is that they were on a beach in the morning and in the afternoon they were in the snow. They are amazed that such a thing could be humanly possible. Thanks to things like helicopters and planes and trains and cars and wheels and the human foot, this is very possible guys.

For the dinner date, Andi dons a rather large turtleneck sweater. It’s actually cute, but if I’m to understand from the previews, this will not be the last turtleneck we see. They snuggle up on a couch in front of a fire and share stories. He shares a particularly harrowing one about the time he spent in Syria. It was a near death experience where they were almost killed by some rebels. He’s so amazing, and I’m legitimately having a hard time watching this realizing that this man has since died.

Eric talks about his family and how everyone has a ton of kids, and he’s finally ready to settle down and start a family of his own. Andi is really taken by him and of course he gets the date rose no question about it.

Next up is the group date. Going on it are the following men: Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S. and Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face.

They meet up down in Hollywood to fulfill the date card “Let’s Bare our Souls.” This group has the most frat-boy mentality I’ve seen in a few seasons. So it’s perfectly fitting that for charity, these men will be doing a strip show/dance. They watch a group of seasoned performers shake, shimmy, and pose. And then a very scary man who is the director of the Hollywood Men wearing a blazer over a bare chest and some glasses, sets up the men to audition. The men are divided into three groups: cowboys, firefighters, and army-men. The robot solo is given to Nick and the aviator solo is given to Marcus. Andi is not secretive about how hot she thinks Marcus is.

Carl the real firefighter from Ft. Lauderdale is also going to be playing a firefighter here today. He has two full tattoo sleeves and is VERY ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

As they are going through the routines, the best part is the real dancers who are teaching them. They are holding little boom boxes and teaching these guys real dance steps for these routines. Marcus is very nervous about his solo, and he should be. All women have seen Channing Tatum dance to “Pony”. He’s got big shoes to fill in terms of female sexual fantasy. Except gross and like don’t etc.

Craig is continuing to be a big dork, and I hate him so much. He’s a “nerdy” bro and I wish he would just stop being around. He can’t stop talking about how hot Josh looks while dancing.

Nick S. is pretty thrilled about being the sexy robot, but Marcus is still really scared and nervous! Even as he gets into his adorable “Officer and a Gentleman” costume, his hands are trembling.

All the men have to get spray tanned and oiled up, and I’m pretty grossed out. Craig demands to have his package filled out. What a horrendous human.

But good news abounds because Sharleen and Kelly the Dog Lover/Sharp-Witted Diva are there to have fun alongside Andi!!!

The dancing begins with the cowboys, and Craig continues to be upset about how hot Josh is. Nick S. kills it as the robot and accidentally showed way too much. The firemen are the hottest though because duh. Chris Harrison slaps a butt with as little vigor as he could muster. The army guys get out there and continue to elicit screams and cries of delight from the wild audience.

Then it’s Marcus’ turn for his solo and he is so nervous. But then he tells us that when he got on stage he just looked to Andi’s beauty to calm himself and managed to have a good time. Wow. That woman’s face is so healing. How great. He does a good job. He’s no Chan-Chan though.

I’m sad there wasn’t more Kelly and Sharleen time. Carl the firefighter is covered in tattoos all over his beautiful body, and I’m gonna need more screen time for our friend Carl there.

Now that the dancing is done, we move onto the cocktail party portion of the date. The men spiff up quite nicely. If I’m not mistaken, this date is taking place in the same mansion at which Desiree filmed her “For the Right Reasons” music video.

Brian is really nervous about making a great impression, so he pulls her aside first. Andi tells him how much she enjoyed his performance. Their time goes so well that Andi ends up very impressed by him and his personality.

Josh M. looks like Mark Cuban to me from certain angles, so I’m having a hard time. He’s a former pro-baseball player, and Andi is super into his “type” but worried that that type of guy is why she’s still single. They have a nice talk and have pretty good chemistry together. Josh reassures her that he is not the “typical jock” and to not pigeon hole him so fast. We’ll see…

Craig is already blitzed drunk and still talking about how hot Josh is…

Back at the mansion the four remaining guys are on pins and needles waiting for the date card. It goes to Chris the sweet, sweet farmer.

Back at the group date, Blake is singing opera again on bended knee like a regular twat. Come on, Holland. Be cooler than that!

Craig is even drunker than before as he hunts down Andi to get alone time. She knows he’s super drunk and is pretty good about dealing with him. As they sit, she tells him he can ask her anything whenever. She is an open book. So Craig asks, “What’s the worst thing about your parents? Boom.”

As she continues talking with other guys, Craig continues to be the worst. Josh realizes that he’s kind of his wrangler and is like “Craig. Inside! Come on.” Like he’s a dog. Nick S gets in a swimsuit in the pool, and Craig jumps in fully clothed.

Andi is much displeased by this. “They do get that they’re here to date, right?” she begs to the camera. I don’t know, Andi. The rest of the guys are all pretty much done with Craig too.

The whole situation is overwhelming for Andi as she starts to question if it’s even worth it for her to be there. The producers finally lasso Craig to take him home, and Marcus whisks Andi away to calm her spirit.

As she tries to focus on the good parts of the date, she comes to give out the date rose. It, of course, goes to Marcus because she really likes him and also admired him for being brave with his dance solo.

Now we move along to Chris’s one-on-one date. He’s so sweet and so excited to show her a good time after the drama of the previous night’s date. They go to a fancy race track for a day of horse racing and glamorous times. She’s in a totally gorgeous green dress that I must have, and brings him to a closet to get all glammed up to match. He’s very good looking and also has the temperament of 10 year old golden retriever.  When he greets her again in his perfect grey suit with bowtie he says he feels like Pretty Woman. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

They have a fun time just being glamorous at the race track. And then an old couple (that might have been placed there by the producers but SHHHHSHSHH IT’S MAGIC) asks them how long they’ve been together. And the old couple talk about how they met and how they’ve been together for fifty-five years. They are so sweet. They met when he was playing baseball because AMERICA. It’s just a really sweet moment, even if those people are Chris Harrison’s grandparents or something.

For dinner they continue on at the race track, but now the whole place is theirs. I am slightly irritated two-thirds of the way through episode two that Andi keeps saying “stop! Stoooop!” in reaction to anything surprising or flattering the guys say. But during the date Chris shares that he was engaged at one point, but ultimately realized “darn it, it’s not there.” DARN. IT. HE SAID DARN IT. This man is character from a Nicholas Sparks novel.

He gets the date rose of course because he’s a very, very kind person who said some nice things to her that he didn’t realize were exactly the nice things she needed to hear. What a little cutie. Then they get the first private concert of the season from This Wild Life who are actually a really great little indie band and NOT some shitty d-list country singer! Stepping it up, Bachelor. They have a first kiss while dancing. I like them together.

And the final cocktail party is upon us. Andi is wearing a ridiculous dress that looks like something Whoopi might have warn in Sister Act but like when she was a lounge singer and not a nun, duh. Her hair and makeup is on point though. But this dress. Yikes.

Nick V., our first impression rose winner, has set up an elaborate one-on-one time with some strawberries and champagne. They talk about what they are both looking for in the next relationship. Surprise, surprise, they are both looking for a kind of forever love. A DOI. THAT’S WHAT ALL THE GUYS ON THE SHOW ARE GOING TO TELL YOU.

The guys have planned various fun-tivities to keep Andi’s interest piqued. She eats it all up like me in front of a hot cheese dip. She has a great kiss with Josh because he continues to woo her by being the big strong man who cannot keep it together around her because he’s got those little butterflies.

Then it’s time for Craig to try to apologize to Andi for being such a shit show on the last group date. “I have to do something more than just apologize,” he says as he does the unthinkable and slings a guitar around his body. Yes, God. What have I done to deserve such a bounty of gifts and blessings like Craig singing a song to Andi at week two?

The dudes feel equally blessed to bear witness to such a miracle and gather like little school girls to listen to him sing a song he wrote specifically for the situation.

Here are the lyrics. It should also be said that he is a horrible, horrible, singer.

“I messed up last night. / I had too much firefly. / I bared my junk to thirteen other guys. / But I hope and pray that it’s alright, Oh Andi. / Please let me stay.”

He doesn’t even know that he drank Fireball whiskey and not something he’s calling “firefly”. Craig is properly contrite but he is not that cute and seems kind of simple and it’s time to go home, ya jabronie.

Rose Ceremony time!

Who is in: Ron, Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Josh, Cody (WHY), Nick V., Patrick, Brian, Brett, and Bradley.

NOOOO SHE LET GO OF CARL THE INSANELY HOT, TATOOED FIREMAN WHO IS WEARING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME GLASSES RIGHT NOW. NO, CARL. PLEASE. I WILL SAVE YOU FROM THE INFERNO OF YOUR BROKEN HEART.

Also going home are Nick S. the pro-golfer and Craig the big fat dummy Dumbo. She tells him she thinks he’s a great person but “just couldn’t get past it.” He laments his foolish decisions, as well he should. What a dope, and good riddance.

On to bigger and better things, like the “dramatic two-night event” of the Bachelorette coming at us next week! So much drama! Many tears! Many men proving their worth and having a pissing contest! Until then, my loves. Next Tuesday/Wednesday for the double feature recap, and as always, twitter @Chasspod. Besos!

The Bachelorette Drinking Game

It is the day we have been waiting for for months. It's here; the second half of the Bachelorette two part finale!!! Desiree has a lot on her plate tonight after the shattering of her heart last week when Brooks pulled out early. We have sweet weirdo and terrible bard Chris and handsome yet somewhat bland but equally sweet Drew. Will she chose one or neither or both or just fling herself into the waters or Antigua???

As per the tradition started at the finale of Sean's season of the Bachelor, I present to you my carefully curated rules to Desiree's Bachelorette Drinking Game. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can’t wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you’re underage, eat an m&m):

The word “journey" is used

The word “connection" is used

Someone refers to “the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says “picture the rest of my life", “spend the rest of my life", “could envision the rest of my life" or any other “rest of my life" phrases

Desiree does a voice over while she walks around somewhere

Desiree does a voice over while she stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Desiree dabs her under-eyes with her fingertips as she cries

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as “paradise", “fairytale", or “something out of a dream"

One of the guys balls up his fists in frustration

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Desiree

-If Brooks shocks us all out of our skins and RETURNS

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!