Distraction 2012 -

Henley Monday -

Dylan O'brien is blowing up. With a starring role on MTV's Teen Wolf and the lead role Thomas in the upcoming film Maze Runner, he's set to become a household name and regular heartthrob. This still of him in a henley and mucked up workboots is from the aforementioned dystopian film.

They had me at dystopia and the costume designer reeled me in at henley.

Henley Wednesday -

Good day everyone! You're halfway through the work week as of noon so congrats! You did it. As a reward, feast your eyes on this British, henley wearing gentleman of your dreams.

It's Mattew Lewis aka Neville Longbottom from the Harry Potter films and every single time I see a picture of him looking so handsome and debonaire I am shocked, SHOCKED that he is the same person as this:

In fact, I found the top insanely attractive shot him in this amazing BuzzFeed Article because it's important to site your sources.

Beyonce Monday -

No explanation necessary. This is Beyonce's world and we are all just incredibly #blessed to be living in it. Bow down to the Queen Bey.

And remember this Monday, and all your other days: You have as any hours in each day as Beyonce.

Now go get it.

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

     Tallyho! Pip, pip old mates, The Bachelorette and her man-harem have arrived in jolly London Town, they ‘ave, they ‘ave! Let us take our swim across the pond and see the drama and romance in store for us this week… and find out to whom Emily says GTFO!

The Maynard senior and junior are abso-tute-ly precious traveling about town and doing amazing tourist things that I so badly want to do. The gentlemen gather in Trafalgar Square to get the low-down for the week from Chris Harrison or “Chrarrison” as I like to say.

               The first date card is waiting in the suite and it’s going to Sean – 28! “Love takes no prisoners” so I’m guessing Tower of London, but he’s clueless. Jef is jealous! He really wants alone time, and I think the same thing about him and his pumped up kicks. Whither, King Jef of the Elves? Kalon is pissy that things aren’t going exactly as planned and that he has no control. Foreshadow?

Emily and Sean-28 are going on a double-decker bus tour, so Sean makes a London calling joke while “London Calling”-ish plays and immediately stands up on the bus to say “HELLO, LONDOOON!” Thanks for that, Sean-28. The two of them apprehensively announce to each other the sights they’re seeing because apparently the show couldn’t swing a real tour guide for the date? Come on, ABC. Also, you can tell Emily has a cold, but she’s all smiles and charm. These two are precious Aryan Angels.

            Back to the hotel suite and the dramatic violins, Kalon is being a terd once again. To Jef and Arie he says, “You gotta remember that if you become a part of her life, pretty much any day is gonna be a group date. It’s gonna be you, her, and Ricki.” Jef is PISSED and comes to Emily’s defense and calls Kalon a dick, and I rewound that part a couple times to hear him be a gallant goblin prince.

Emily and Sean come upon Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park. Roped in by the crazies, Sean starts professing about love and it’s so weird. He once again finds a way to talk about his family. He is really hot though, so he gets a pass for now.

For the “meal” the two arrive at the Tower of London! I knew it! Emily’s almost completely lost her voice. Their tour guide is a charming beefeater, but for real, the Tower of London is kind of creepy. I don’t think it’s an ideal date place. King Henry’s home is no temple to love, yo.

The group date card comes to the hotel suite and reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” And there is a collective, “Buh….what?!” from the moronic imbeciles apparently vying for Lady Emily’s affections. Someone, Alejandro I think, pipes in with, “I think that was Shakespeare.” YA, DOI! Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon are on the group date. Kalon is royally ticked to be grouped in.

Back in the Tower of London, Emily puts Sean-28 through the “are you ready to be a father” gauntlet right away. He passes with flying colors because from betwixt their medieval goblets, Emily plucks the rose and pins it to Sean’s ready lapel. Within view of the Tower Bridge, they make out a little which I have to advise against based on how sick she sounds.

So the MISCREANTS who don’t know that MEGA-FAMOUS Shakespeare quote get to go to Stratford-upon-Avon for the group date. We finally acknowledge that Emily is ill and reveal the date will consist of them acting out scenes from “Romeo and Juliet” here in Shakespeare’s birthplace while he does barrel rolls in his grave. I take a large swig of wine at this point. Buckle up, kids.

The guys have to audition for the three representatives of the Shakespeare Birth Place Trust. They are freaking out. We’re mercifully shown the auditions in a montage; they are the worst. Kalon is taking it extremely seriously and is “not surprised” when they announce him as one of the Romeo’s. “I was born to play this role,” he smirks. I swig more wine. Arie and Doog are playing the nurse. YAY!!! THIS WILL BE SO FUNNY FOR US!

              Rehearsal is just watching dumb men rehearse Shakespeare, and many of them literally have no idea what they are saying. Kalon is feeling so competitive, and he says, “You can run along,” to Emily so they can rehearse. “Kalon needs to realize he is not on Broadway. Kalon needs to lighten up.” Amen! This lady can PREACH!

I want a gif of Arie prancing in his tights. Someone! Get me that gif!

Doogie as the nurse is kind of hilarious, and I appreciate his willingness to make bold choices. I also appreciate how willing Arie is to be a total doof, even though he was piss-pants nervous. He can do no wrong for Emily; she’s totally enamored of him.

              Ryan is so excited to kiss a dead Juliet-Emily, and is being real creepy. He also keeps talking about Arie when he talks about kissing Emily. And Arie, in his wig and bustier, smugly knows that, “Dude, it’s a play. You’re not actually kissing her.” Emily shakes her head and is grossed out.

“That stage kiss? That was the best part of my acting because I made it seem real…because it kinda was.” Oh my gosh, Ryan. OH MY GOSH.

               Arie and Emily steal away at the pub to have their beautiful alone time. They like each other so much! But again, I have to advise against the kissing because Emily might have strep throat!

You guys, I just figured out who Ryan reminds me of. He reminds me of Jason Stackhouse from True Blood except he doesn’t have the redeeming charm and loving heart that Jason does. Like Jason would totally say, “In my experience, when a girl tells you you’re trouble, and she smiles when she says it, maybe she wants to get in trouble.” He pulls out a pretty necklace with a turquoise pendant for her. She and I are genuinely surprised that it’s so simple, sweet, and thoughtful. But it could just be his game.

Kalon is still in a prissy huff. “Yeah, I’ll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her,” he snaps at Chris. Seriously dude, if that’s how you feel, why are you here? What are you wasting your extraordinarily precious time for?

It looks like Chris is the one who lets the “baggage” cat out of the bag to all the men. They, and I, are steaming mad. It isn’t until Dooglas hears about it that things take a turn for the worse. He is rolling up his sleeves as he makes Kalon fess up to calling Ricki baggage. Which he does. Readily. And he’s “not gonna apologize for it.” Oh, s**t, y’all. This is worse than I thought.

           Doogie immediately tells Emily about it, and I champion his decision. We can see the fury light up within Emily as she tries to think of “the most ladylike, the most graceful way” to kick Kalon’s sorry ass out of the United Kingdom and her life forever. “I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them,” she says, “I want to go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.” GO EMILY! DO IT! I’m really sad this situation presented itself, but this is the most lively we’ve seen our girl yet.         

She rips off her jacket as they go out into the crowd, and Doug puts Kalon on the spot. She doesn’t allow Kalon to interrupt her and then goes, “I love it when you talk, but not until I’m done. I got that line from you.” WOW. THAT IS AWESOME. SUCKER, PLEASE! She slams down on the table the fact that his own mom was a single mother, and he can’t even string together three words that aren’t coated in horse s**t.  So she tells him to GTFO and shuts down the conversation. WaBAM!

                       But I feel so bad for her because she needed to just walk away. I can’t imagine dealing with that kind of righteous anger. She doesn’t hand out the rose and goes home to be with Ricki.

She’s really angry that no one said anything to her about it, but someone did. Doug did. Doug came and told her as soon as he found out. Maybe she’s more upset that the people who heard it firsthand didn’t say anything sooner, but I’m not sure. I think she’s still fuming and maybe just needs to cool off a lot. Here’s to hoping her date with Jef is a romantic swoon-fest to lift us all out of this luxury-brand consultant scented funk.

                 Jef wants to assure Emily that he will be there for her and is so excited to spend time with her. Rude, Jef. Don’t forget about me. They’re having afternoon tea which he is dressed for because his suit coat has elbow patches on it. Oh, except…not tea time, just an etiquette lesson with an old British lady. Jef gets bummed out that Jean the etiquette teacher is hijacking his one-on-one time! Jean is really hijacking this date too and taking it all seriously. To Jef’s point she is “really, really, really thorough.” He wants Jean to get out of his high-king hair.

               They run out on tea, and Jef hijacks the date to the pub where he orders them fish and chips and beers. He wants to tell Emily that he stood up for her, and “always will stand up for her”. He is so charming, really just a great guy. I WANT ONE. WHERE IS MY SEXY ELVIN KING?! OH MY GOD. HE JUST SAID “If Ricki’s baggage, she is a Chloé handbag that I want to have forever,” AND THEN MY HEART EXPLODED INTO SPARKLY CONFETTI.

Jef really does seem to feel strongly for Emily, but she is wary that she can’t read him and doesn’t know how he feels. She is gunning for that kiss on their date tonight. Gunning for it.

They change into sexy cocktail attire and have a special dessert date for two on the London Eye. That’s some real romatical ish, y’all. Jef is excited to take their relationship to the next level which is something a seventeen year-old says, but he’s so sexual that it’s ok.  He assures Emily that he will never lie to her. And now it’s raining on their London Eye-ball.

          Side note: they are creeping higher in the sky and their desserts (it appears to be a kind of trifle) remain utterly untouched. They didn’t touch a single bite of their trifle!

Okay Jef wants to have dancing and singing parties with Ricki and Emily, again, I die. She gives him the rose for always making her feel like a special lady. In the words of Bill Murray’s titular Bob in “What About Bob?” Gimme, gimme, gimme! I need! I NEED!

The build up to their kiss is so awkward. Very high school. He prefaces it. But then they kiss, and she is rull into it. Rull, rull into kissing that Elf King. Seriously, he is one of the good ones.

            The tension is high as we go into the cocktail party. Emily is in a sleek one sleeved deep blue dress, and she is hitting hard with the questions. She’s basically just grilling the guys as to why they didn’t stand up for her. Even perfect Arie was put under fire, and he’s a little nervous.

                   Ryan is the living worst wearing a scarf with his suit and brings her out to a stairwell balcony. He has a plan. He always has a plan. He is reading the Romeo monologue to her. I want to punch him.  He translates it for her because she’s not a human who understands words. She likes him! She actually likes him! I mean she says she’s mad at herself about it and she’s keeping an eye on him. But oh my word, he is slime.

She has a great chat with Sean, and they kind of slow dance together. It’s sweet, and they’re cheesy but in a non-disgusting way.

                 Chrarrison arrives and the bells toll to signify the end of the road for a sad one of the bachelors. She calls Doog first for obvious reasons. Oh my gosh, we’re getting down to the wire, and Arie’s name still hasn’t been called. It’s down to Alejandro and Arie! This can’t be!

In the end, I am heaving an enormous sigh of relief that Arie is sticking around, while Alejandro is out of the pack. He seems like a sweet man, but a little young for Emily. I’m sure he’ll have no problem finding a wonderful woman to share his life with. Back to the mushroom farm, for now though, Ale-ale-jandro.

              This whirlwind of an episode draws to a close. We had high romance and high drama. And next week they are off to Dubrovnik, Croatia which I bet only half the men can find on a map. There is kissing shot upon kissing shot and then Arie is kissing her against an ancient wall and I get the vapors. But there is trouble on the Adriatic with one gentleman who is “in it to win it, and Emily is the trophy.” Gee, I wonder who in the world is so competitive and would say a think like that. *Cough* Ryan *Cough* Arie makes a confession, and Emily storms out of the rose ceremony!  Only time will reveal all, dear readers, so until next time, keep on the journey.

Henley Monday -

As much as Beyonce truly (really, truly) inspires me, I still need a little pick-me-up by way of a well dressed man. Enter Aaron Tveit in yet another beautiful plain black henley. I mean can his hair stop for like three seconds? Can it? I need it to take a break from being so perfect.

Game of Thrones...It's All in the Details

          I'm currently 200 pages into the third book of the Song of Ice and Fire series, A Storm of Swords and up to date on every episode aired thus far. Which at this point means I've read over 2000 pages of George's writing and consumed hours of televison.

As such, I would like, for your pleasure sweet Internet Nerd brethren, to make a list of the best minor details in the world of Game of Thrones.

5) Devastatingly detailed descriptions of clothing. Sometimes I wonder if Lord Mormont is wearing boiled leathers and his black mail hauberk in his solar. And then George RR Martin tells me that HE IS! Good. That's just good sense. And, oh no, Littlefinger is NOT wearing an amethyst velvet doublet and cloth of gold embroidered cloak on the streets of Kings Landing! WHAT A FOOL! We get much less of this in the show, and I miss it. Like when you see Loras Tyrell, he has flowers on his armor, but it is no where near as splendid as I'd dreamed.

                                                                                                     Pictured: Fashion!

4) MAPS! If a book has maps on the first pages, I know I'm in for a good read. If the map has a detailed key? Even better. With all the talk of battles and castles all over the seven kingdoms, I'd be absolutely lost without a reference of Riverrun to Harrenhal, to Moat Cailin to Bear Island, to Dorne and out to Braavos and beyond.

3) Varys is a eunuch, and you'd better not forget it. It's too late to start taking a tally of it now that I am thousands of pages and tens of hours of television in, but seriously, I have it grasped pretty firmly that Varys is a eunuch. If we were to play a drinking game to Game of Thrones, we would drink every time they mention that Varys the Spider is lacking his "manhood" "stones" "working parts" or any other weird euphemism the people of the Red Keep deem necessary because for not having any, THEY TALK ABOUT HIS JUNK ALL THE TIME. And for how much they talk about it, they never address what I think we all want to know the most which is how the hell does he "make water"?!?!

                                                                                         "I really need to make water."

2) Saying "make water" in place of literally any other way to describe that bodily function. If we're being honest, the use of "making water" is actually one of the very few things that irks me about the world of Game of Thrones. There are so many words I use other than this particular turn of phrase, and yet it is the only one he ever uses. And, as a friend recently pointed out, doesn't the use of "make water" implicitly convict them of not knowing the difference between water and URINE? And for how inconsequential "peeing" or "pissing" or "relieving my bladder" (see what I did there George?) is in my life, somehow for these characters "making water" not only comes up a lot, but also ignites series of important events all the freaking time.

1) The Fossoways! Up to this point, my list has been parts of the books/series that are really things. Small, yes, but quite important things (here's looking at you, maps!). The Fossoways are less so. But that makes no never mind to me because I need you to know that I LOVE THE FOSSOWAYS! I love that there are Red Apple and Green Apple Fossoways. I love that when you introduce a member of that family you have to clarify from which color apple this Fossoway comes. And then to consider that the Stark sigil is a direwolf, Baratheon's have a crowned stag, the Lannister lions, Greyjoy's golden kraken, but the Fossoways? APPLES! Oh, those?  They're just apples! Well, are they red or green apples? BOTH! HA HA! THEY ARE BOTH! Who needs fear when you have formidable fruit for foes? I want to know the Fossoway words so I can have them tattooed on my shoulder blades under the red and green apple Fossoway banners.

PS - OH MY GOD.  I was googling images for this post and found out the Fossoway words are "A Taste of Glory". I repeat OH MY GOD! TATTOO ME NOW.

Henley Monday:

It's October 1st! Ryan Gosling, patron saint of the henley, shakes his fist at you for not taking advantage of PERFECT henley weather.

Ryan Gosling shakes his fist as if to say, "Men, throw on a thermal or a flannel henley. Ladies, throw your sexy eyes the way of those well-dressed men."

Amen, Ryan, amen.

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

"I threw up in my mouth, but then I swallowed it back down!"

I'm so excited that the international tour has started so earl this season! Join Juan Pablo, the remaining ladies, and my slowly increasing inebriation this week in Seoul, South Korea.

Of course we open on the tender moments shared by Juan Pablo and Camila before they part ways for many moons. Camila is 4.5 and her object permanence in general is not good, so she does not exactly understand what's going on.

When Chris Harrison enters the mansion to tell the ladies they are going to Seoul, they scream and react like the girls on America’s Next Top Model. More than a few ANTM parallels this season.

“Korea?! I don’t even have a kimono!” Clare cries out to the gods, who of course do not hear her prayers because OBVIOUSLY kimonos are from Japan, and while it is geographically near Japan, South Korea has a completely different culture and traditional garb. GOD, CLARE. GET IT TOGETHER. (Sidebar: did a quick Google search and it turns out the Korean traditional garment is called a “hanbok”, is similar in certain ways to the kimono, but still different enough that Clare is an idiot and I win).

They play some pretty generic “Asia” music as JP walks around and talks about how excited he is to be and date somewhere new. The girls arrive and are actually pretty cute walking around smiling so huge to take in the sites. Now when I say their suite is plush, it is PLUSH. Why don’t they focus on how fun it is to be abroad in a plush-ass suite with new friends more?

Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki are on the first of two group dates this week. Nikki is extremely disappointed to be on a group date and not a one-on-one. She is not looking forward to it but at all.

The date is dancing to a popular K-Pop band called 2NE1 (pronounced “twenty-one”). They are Korean mega-stars that we of course have never heard of. The women are wearing athletic gear for this, for dancing is an athletic event. Juan Pablo is wearing a combination of harem pants + hammer pants. Somehow it works.

The queen bee of 2NE1 speaks absolutely perfect English and is really cool. Way cool. Cooler than I will ever be. I’m obsessed with her. Come back and teach me your ways. Everyone takes turns to show off their dance moves, some are better than others. Nikki just does mom-dancing to make up for how bad she is. It works. It’s charming.

Oh my God, Cool Girl is teaching them choreography. I’m so jealous. Kat is up on her high horse because she was a professional dancer and has been dancing forever. She actually says, “I’m the best”. Meanwhile sweet Cassandra is kicking ass because her most recent profession was also NBA Dancer. Kat’s on my last nerve.

Cool Girl and the rest of 2NE1 invite the women to their show that night to not only see the show but also to dance alongside them. That is legitimately pretty cool. Nikki is terrified because she’s not very good.

“I kinda wanna crap my pants. I hope we are performing for the South Korean School of the Blind” admits Nikki. Girl, I appreciate your realness as anyone would be muy nerviosa.

They get to have professional hair and makeup done and very cool, very K-Pop wardrobe that’s all neon and leopard print and sparkles. Nikki is still pissed that she sucks so bad at dancing and has to do this. Have at least a little fun in hair and makeup, Nik?

Now the night of the performance is upon us and, to be fair, it’s actually a mall show. But it is packed to the rafters. Cool Girl is obviously the Beyoncé/Harry Styles of the group because she takes the reins for the audience as well. Cool Girl calls the contestants up onto the stage to begin the routine, and I’m super embarrassed for these girls. It’s a bit of a hot mess: Kat is way too into herself, most of them don’t know the routine well enough, it’s a lot happening.

“If she would rather stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer for 2NE1, I think she should stay here,” Nikki sasses to camera. I love Nikki. Throw that shade girl. We are all thinking it.

After hearing the song a bunch all episode, I finally figure out how on Earth I know a K-pop song by the group 2NE1. It was part of the best routine all season on So You Think You Can Dance courtesy of Mark Kanemura, alien genius and choreographer extraordinaire. Click on this sentence to see the dance that will make you feel like an empowered high priestess from the future.

Back to the date! We are now at an absolutely stunning oasis of traditional Korean architecture where everybody settles in to have alone time with Juan. Kat pulls him aside first and tells JP that she’s not all just “fun and games”, and then shares that her father was an alcoholic his whole life and that he wasn’t a father at all. Thank God! Thank you for that VITAL piece of info which explains 100% of the reason you need constant love and attention and validation especially from men.

Nikki takes the time to shit on Kat a little bit to the other women there. Cassandra is like “no thanks” to drama and cattiness. Elise makes the grave, grave error of making sure that Juan Pablo’s eyes are open to the women still here who might not necessarily be good mothers. Never make the conversation about the other women being not good enough, Elise! That is a rookie move! That is a one-way ticket to the “crazy drama girl” zone and going home!

But in her one-on-one time, Nikki really shines with Juan Pablo. She seems to be very honest about things, and I can understand the difficult time she’s having. If I were around Kat, I would need to blow off steam about it too. But she also needs to be careful to not get the “mean girl” tag on her head.

Nikki gets the second date rose in a row and the other women are not happy. I really like Nikki and I think the other women need to take a step back and just focus on their individual “relationships” with this man.

Sharleen gets the sole (HA) one-on-one and the date card says “Are you my Seoul mate?” The Bachelor and I love word play. We get to watch a deeply unsexy shower with Juan Pablo and a zoom in on what I assume are supposed to be knockout abs. No need to objectify what isn’t even there.  What is interesting about this shower scene is that he reveals that Sharleen has been on his radar since day one and even says outright that she is his “favorite one”. He’s stoked for his date.

Sharleen is nervous but doesn’t know if Juan Pablo is “the one”. She is so stunning. Her eyebrows are just so strong and so, so beautiful on her beautiful face. The couple has fun wandering around a huge Korean market where they try on hanboks (HEY GUYS! THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT EARLIER!) and eat exotic foods. They move on to a traditional Korean tea house where Juan Pablo asks her all about her singing because he really wants to hear her sing. She’s demure and doesn’t want to. I get it. Opera singing is, by nature, super freaking loud. And whenever anyone tells you to do what you do on the spot it’s uncomfortable. I don’t walk up to you on the street and tell you “do my taxes!” so don’t command me to “tell a joke!” or “sing!” in this instance.

After they have changed into their eveningwear and are in the patio of a temple, Juan Pablo and Sharleen joke around and he kind of pushes her into singing. Finally he closes his eyes so she’s comfortable enough to sing. So she does. And she’s really amazing. And then they kiss because he’s super into her and she’s starting to open up a lot to him. Slowly but surely.

“My skepticism is fading rapidly,” is how Sharleen wraps up how her date with Juan Pablo went. That’s good! I love how she is being how a normal person would be in this. She is so open about not knowing whether or not Juan Pablo is the number one man in the world that she needs to be with forever. That’s normal! That’s how it SHOULD be! I’m Team Sharleen.

But queue the record scratch: Sharleen doesn’t want kids right now. She explains herself very well, and Juan Pablo is very understanding about it all. He really, really likes Sharleen though, so she gets the rose because she’s so different and has class and is so honest. They kiss, and of course we see her tongue. They stretch necks like giraffes across the table to kiss more. These two need to figure out how to kiss each other better.

Ok Group Date time! We have the remaining girls so that’s Renee, Lauren, Ali, Andi, Clare, and Kelly. They meet up with Juan Pablo in the middle of some street. Exploring Seoul with some crazy activities is the crux of the date, so I guess it’ll be vignettes of fun cultural things.

Up first is Karaoke in a private room. They jump around going crazy singing in Korean to random K-Pop songs. Then they do some snacking at a market. Then of course, OF COURSE, there’s a photo booth. Swan paddle boats get involved.

And then, oh then, they get those pedicures where the fish eat the dead skin off your feet. No. No, no. No, no, no, no. They are screaming like the rude Americans they are, and I am almost puking. The fish are all over their feet. I hate it. But this is where we all start to turn on Clare. She is very territorial and possessive of Juan Pablo. You can see the crazy predator look in her eyes when the other girls are talking or sitting next to him.

Back on the streets, Clare insists to Juan Pablo that she won’t eat anything crazy “like octopus”. So obviously the next stop on the “Krazy” train is to a street food vendor who sells octopus. Juan Pablo is in on the joke, and I admire him for forcing an American idiot try something new. Clare puts up the biggest fight, causing a scene amongst all these Koreans. The other women are not having her drama-mama attitude. She finally eats it in the most dramatic way you can imagine.

Ali makes a good point that octopus isn’t even that exotic. “You can get that at any Italian restaurant down the street in Chicago,” she points out. Ali is starting to grow on me. I hope she sticks around for a bit.

For night time, they go to the rooftop garden at the hotel they’re staying in. Kissing Juan Pablo is the topic du jour, and it’s fanning the flames of jealousy. As soon as he pulls Renee away first, the claws are out.

Renee is hoping this will be the perfect time to finally kiss Juan Pablo. I am too because if it doesn’t happen soon, she’s just going to be “the other mom” and a therapist rather than a romantic interest. They end up talking about kissing a lot, but he decides to “take a step back” so he can “set a good example for Camila”. Hmm…

Andi’s time is notable because he mentions how much he likes that she gets his sense of humor and can make him laugh too. Laughter is like, so important y’all. He calls her “bella” and she doesn’t know what that means. And that’s fine. But I still don’t understand how they didn’t tap a SINGLE Spanish major in this entire group. How?!

Lauren, the girl who rode up on the first night on a bike-piano and from whom we haven’t heard much else, is nervous about kissing him. She flat out asks Juan Pablo for a “beso” while they are dancing to no music, and he flat out says no because of Camila. She, of course, cries a little because it’s hard to get rejected to your face unlike the other women he hasn’t kissed because they weren’t so awkward about it, Lauren!

She’s crying in front of Juan Pablo now which is really, really awkward. Juan Pablo is across the board trying to hold back from kissing too any other women, and the other women have now seen the whole drama go down between Lauren and JP. Andi pulls her aside to cheer her up for a little pep talk and she feels better but still feels stupid.

Clare is still on the loose though, and now she’s got her alone time.

“Oh my god! I ate octopus!” she says first. And then, “You know what happened? I threw up in my mouth, but I swallowed it back down!” Romantic!

They talk more about not kissing each other but then Juan Pablo tells us that he is helpless against how sexy she is. I mean, fair, but Clare’s insane, so that’s coloring my view of her beauty. I mean, she is nuts.

In the end, after all that talking about kissing and not kissing, the rose goes to Andi whom he has kissed in the past but did not tonight. He really likes her, and so do I. This bodes well for Andi.

For the Rose Ceremony we are at an opulent Korean temple palace. It is honestly stunning. They lay the women out like a harem on red satin sofas and JP pulls Kelly aside first to talk. I have no idea about their relationship, but I relish Kelly’s candor and wry sense of humor. I need Kelly the “Dog Lover” to stay on this journey. But we don’t see Kelly’s conversation at all.

Clare’s conversation on the other hand we get to hear. She makes some great Miss America speeches about how stepping out of her comfort zone is worth it. And just as Clare starts talking about her dead dad again, Nikki approaches to talk to Juan Pablo despite having a rose. Clare. Is. Pissed. The other women are pissed. Nikki is sowing some bad blood.

Somehow the situation in the house comes up, and all of the sudden Nikki thinks that Clare was telling Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. Then Nikki is upset and then Clare comes to talk to Kelly and Nikki. It’s a lot of nonsense so I’ll boil it down:

Clare tells Nikki that seeing her one way around the women and another way around Juan Pablo is rubbing people the wrong way. Clare tells Nikki that that behavior doesn’t merit a rose so Nikki replies, “Well, you’re not handing out the roses.” So that’s that for now. Of course they will both stay around for a long time, so we need to remember this as the beginning of the feud.

At the end of the night there are roses to hand out. Sharleen, Nikki, and Andi are all safe already. Juan Pablo calls out the names in the following order: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle (I, TOO, FORGOT SHE WAS STILL HERE), Cassandra, Ali (who he always calls Alison), Clare, and the final rose goes to Kat. This means poor, awkward Lauren is going home as well as Elise. I told you, Elise. I warned you that bringing up anyone elses shit would get you here and I was right.

Next week they are off to a warmer clime in Vietnam! So now I must leave you until then. Of course you can, and should, find me over on Twitter @chasspod, and new recaps go up every Wednesday. ¡Un besote mis amores!

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

WITH NO ADIEU WHATSOEVER WE JUMP RIGHT INTO WHERE WE LEFTOFF LAST WEEK WITH KELSEY ON THE GROUND IN HYSTERICS AND AN AUSTRALIAN EMT WITH WORLD’S LONGEST BRAID COMING TO HER AID.

Kelsey is breathing heavily and sobbing so loudly she might attract the coyotes. The other women are looking around with vague concern, but most are wondering how much of this is theatrics and how much is reality. They agree that she is a master manipulator.

As the EMT is asking how much pain she’s in on a scale of one to ten, and Kelsey responds that she’s not in any pain. She is sitting upright with an oxygen mask and looking around with her milk-saucer sized eyes. Someone asks if there’s anyone she can get for her (because none of the women are coming to calm her down or care for her) and Kelsey responds, so coolly, “Chris.” And looks around with a glint in those murderous milk-saucer eyes.

The women agree that she’s using this to manipulate Chris to make sure she gets a rose. Kelsey herself calls that out saying to one of the EMTs, “I’m definitely getting a rose tonight!”

Uhhh, I mean yeah probably, but this is a LOT of rigmarole to lure a man into starting a magnificent journey of love with you.  Chris comes in and gives some empty words of encouragement to her. Kelsey tries to blame it on the fact that Chris sharing their conversation from earlier surprised her.

While Kelsey settles back in amongst the women, she appears right as rain and downright proud of herself for snagging some extra time with Chris. Every other woman is not only highly suspicious but super annoyed with this whole “wounded widow” act Kelsey is putting on. Ashley jokes to camera to make sure they have paper work on the whole “widow” thing because she could just be making that up. Trust me Ashley; I have thought the same thing. That girl is rehearsed like a high school production of “Our Town”.

We still have to get to a rose ceremony. What’s fun is that you can tell how much all the women are shivering out in the cold on the patio of this New Mexico resort. Jade gets called first, then Kaitlyn, now Megan, then Becca, next is Ashley, and the final rose goes to Kelsey. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BUT YES BECAUSE I HAVE TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT BUT NOOOOOOOOO.

This means the silent but alluring Samantha is going home as well as our twenty-one-year-old single mom Mackenzie. Oh Mackenzie, go home to Kale and begin to rebuild. You deserve so much better than Chris Soules. And Samantha, I mean, she wasn’t allowed to speak but have you SEEN HER? SHE’S DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. REBUILD, SAM, REBUILD! YOU WILL FIND A REAL CATCH BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU NOT? YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE THE TIDE POOLS OF FIJI AT SUNRISE!

Ugh. We say goodbye to those gals, and hop onto plains to Deadwood, South Dakota for the week. It is beautiful and grand and as much like the old frontier as you can get in America. “This is where Wild Bill Hickok was killed. This is where Calamity Jane…did her business,” Chris tells us of historic Deadwood. Cool. Calamity Jane definitely did some business. That’s for sure, Chris.

The girls scream “Hello, Deadwood!” off the balcony of their Modest-Ass Suite. We had to yell “Hello, [Location]!!!” at some point, so why not in Deadwood, South Dakota I ask you?

Amidst all the nerves of the dreaded two-on-one that looms this week, Becca gets her first one-on-one date. Becca is beautiful and sweet, and thanks to editing, has been a dark horse up until this point. Kelsey is of course very displeased that she was not granted the highest honor of a one-on-one even though she EARNED IT.

Chris is excited for their date today, and he notes that Becca is the only remaining woman that he has not yet kissed. Becca is so beautiful and cute for this date in a little baggy sweater with black jeans action. Love it. Like her. They are going horseback riding! She’s super excited, and I would be too. There is just something that makes beautiful scenery viewed from horseback all the more majestic. Why is that?

But meanwhile, back at the ranch, Carly leads the discussion on what we don’t like about Kelsey. Now Carly, I love you girl, but this is a dangerous path on which you tread. It never pays to be the one to call someone else out on their shit. But with the encouragement of Kaitlyn and Whitney, when Kelsey sits down in the living room of the Modest-Ass Suite, Carly starts in.

Whitney opens up about her feelings about how uncomfortable it made her feel when Kelsey would randomly start laughing at the last rose ceremony which Kelsey flat out denies. Whitney diplomatically continues explaining how her actions on that night at the rose ceremony made her and the other women uncomfortable. Kelsey starts to cry as she explains just how emotionally vulnerable she was and how her thoughts were with Chris.

We move along from the rose ceremony drama to Carly flat out saying that what they see in Kelsey is very different from what Chris sees, especially regarding the way Kelsey can be so snide and mean with the other girls. I almost believe Kelsey when she tells them that she doesn’t know what they mean and is so sorry for having accidentally hurt their feelings.

Straight cut to her explaining to the cameras that she was “blessed with eloquence” and is “educated” and uses “big words” which intimidates the women. Yes, Kelsey, that’s it.  You’re just too smart. You’re too smart for all these other ninnies. This is the way to get ahead. Cut down all the other women down around you. She ends the talk by saying, “I’m really glad we had this conversation. I will really try to be more mindful.” And she ends her talking-head by saying that she didn’t go through all her “sh*t” to be defeated by petty women, oh no. “I came here to win,” she says.

Believe it or not, there’s still a date going on out there somewhere in South Dakota! Chris and Becca approach a little bonfire and couch set-up, about which Becca asks, “Is this for us?” If I had a donut for every time a woman on this show asked “is this for us?” about a blatantly obvious set-up for just two people on a date, I would easily have three bakers’ dozens of donuts. That’s 39 donuts.

Becca and Chris giggle a lot together and interview each other about their five year plans! WHAT FUN. WHAT A FUN DATE QUESTION. They talk about kids and other typical Bachelor crap like past relationships. Being able to open up to Chris is significant for Becca! She really wants Chris to kiss her now that they’ve grown closer. Chris gives her the rose through a fit of giggles and kisses her like she’s his grandma in church. But Becca comes back in for the kill and really hardcore macks him on the second try. Way to go girl.

Group date time! The women WANT to be on this card because if they aren’t, it’s the dreaded two-on-one. Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan are on the group date. They breathe a sigh of relief as Kelsey and Ashley realize they are left on the two-on-one. Ashley is excited to be challenged with defeating Kelsey, while Kelsey feels like it’s just a one-on-one because he’ll send Ashley home right away.

For the group date, would you stretch your mind to believe that Chris is excited? The date card said, “Let’s make sweet music together,” so the women really hope they’re singing or dancing. Chris explains that he loves country music, and it’s a HUGE part of his life (yeah dude, Paul Simon’s a big part of mine but you don’t see me FORCING MY SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO LISTEN TO “ST. JUDY’S COMET” AND WEEP WITH ME ALL THE TIME). They are going to be making some country music, and they’ll be helped along the way by Big and Rich. They are embarrassing to look at. Whitney is thrilled out of her mind. This is the duo that brought “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy” to the dj’s of high school dances all around the country. So now you know how to find them and possibly destroy them. They must atone.

Carly is super excited to be part of this date as she is a singer herself. I hope that actually works in her favor because the girl or guy who is like, “THIS IS MY THIIIIING” on a date usually fades into the background while the underdog shines. The women peel off to start writing a song and wait for their consultation with Big and Rich. It’s so embarrassing to watch them pander to Big and Rich, and Big and Rich pretending to be cool with this whole situation and for the women to pretend to be excited about this. One of them, Big or Rich, whichever one looks like Tim Burton styled Tom Waits makes Jade run down the streets to free up her creative juices. The music is triumphant. I just….ugh.

Right as Jade is starting to feel confident about her song-writing skills, Chris walks in to have some very intimate time with Britt in the middle of the room with all the other women. He kisses her a bunch, and they were completely intertwined the whole time they were talking. The heat between the two of them is intense, while the general feeling in the room is chilly.

But let this Vaudevillian variety show of horrors begin! The women anxiously await their turn, but not to be outdone in embarrassment, Chris gets up and goes first with HIS song. He is accompanied by a grizzled old timey prospector on banjo. GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER IS THE STAR OF THIS SHOW. HE’S NOT WEARING A RING! GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR!

Chris’s song rhymes and is about looking for a wife to bring home to Iowa. Seems about right. Next is Britt who is dressed just like Kelly Kapowski. Her song was really simple, and Chris says he almost cried during it. Like…what? Chris has boner goggles on for Britt and Britt alone. We see bits and pieces of everyone else’s songs. They’re mostly not great. Kaitlyn swears. But everyone gives it gusto. A for effort as they say. Carly’s song was intense and special because she sang it right to Chris as he sat next to her on the stage. Chris was really impressed with her lyrical content. Still love Carly.

Jade is wracked with nerves and is so sweet and timid up on stage. Her singing is not great, but she makes it through! She’s relieved to have merely survived.

They start the cocktail party with a toast to songwriting. The most notable thing about the party is that there is no rose present. Carly really, really wants the rose not just because she wrote a pretty song, but because in that song she opened up to Chris about how much she really feels for him. Everyone has their nice little chats with Chris, and then it’s time for Britt.

Chris explains the “weird chemistry” they have and how he doesn’t quite understand it yet. He then takes her hand and literally runs out of the bar with her saying, “I’ve got a surprise for you.” Is it your dong on a silver platter, Chris? It might as well be.

Everyone else on the date notices their exit right away. Emotions run high. Whitney cries a bit as she tells us that, “It honestly feels like we’re on the Britt and Chris show.”

The pair runs across the bustling town of Deadwood to the Big and Rich concert where they dance and have a splendid time. When the duo calls Britt and Chris up on stage, Britt parades around in awe and wonderment. Tim-Burton-Tom-Waits makes Chris go get a little special something for Britt. And it’s the rose. So, was this for Britt all along? Or was this just that Chris would take whoever he wants to the show and then they would get the rose? Either way, I think this is shady. Not telling the other women what the rules are and changing them in a big way. Chris and Britt dance around on stage in wild abandonment.

Over an hour later, as the women are still sitting around speculating as to what could have happened with Chris and Britt, the happy couple walk back into the room. It falls into complete, stony silence. Britt has the rose and the stares at it burn.

Things are complex, and dealing with all those feelings would be tough, so Chris says, “PEACE OUT!” I’m not kidding. He says, “Obviously, you can see that Britt has the rose.” And then makes the flimsiest of excuses as to how he thought it would be easier that way because of the high stakes of the date? What? No. He doesn't even mention the concert. And he just leaves. He just leaves Britt to fend for herself in this group of women. Bye, Chris! You are not a good person! You are not a nice man!

“I’m sorry. I feel so awkward right now,” Britt squirms.

Carly is wiping away tears as Kaitlyn explains, “We can’t help but feel humiliated.” And Jade objects to getting any sympathy from Britt. One by one they all stand up to leave and cry. They are all distressed to be in a situation where the connection between Chris and Britt is so strong that they feel they don’t even stand a chance. Kaitlyn feels like all the ground she made with Chris today can’t make up for what he and Britt have. Whitney falls prey to "compare and despair", saying that it’s hard to feel confident in what you have when you see someone as gorgeous as Britt having what she has with Chris.

Y’ALL READY FOR THIS? It’s the Ultimate Show-Down Two-on-One. The most dramatic Two-on-One in Bachelor History. I believe it. Ashley literally says that she is Glenda the Good Witch and Kelsey is the Wicked Witch of the West. Ashley is here to take Kelsey down. Kelsey is here to be really rude about who Ashley is as a woman. Kelsey is dressed like a Kohl’s mannequin from 2006.

When the girls first got their date card, it mentioned the Bad Lands and Kelsey freaked out. She explained to Ashley that they were currently in the Black Hill Mountains, but the Bad Lands are something different. Kelsey understands these important things and what they mean. Others are just simple plebes with nothing to do but despair at her greatness of intellect and worldliness.

Chris, ever the ding-dong, explains that today will be tough for him. The trio hops right into a helicopter because the producers are finally GIVING US WHAT WE CAME FOR.  They see Mount Rushmore, and Kelsey condescendingly explains who the faces are. Yeah, we know. Ashley firmly believes that Kelsey’s strategy today is to drive her insane.

“Literally? With this? I just. Can’t. Even,” Ashley says. Amazing, incredible moments like these are what this show is all about.

The helicopter drops them off in the middle of nowhere in the Bad Lands. It is truly a canopied bed in the middle of this geographically significant part of the country. It looks like Dorne.

Ashley and Chris split off first. They start by doing some gross, sloppy kissing. Chris asks how Ashley’s doing, and she takes the opportunity to completely trash Kelsey. She says she is the outlier in the group, and they are suspicious of her strategic moves with Chris. Don’t throw anyone under the bus because it only makes you look like the villain. It never works out well.

Chris thanks her for telling him and emphasizes that he wants to make sure his future wife gets along with other people and can “gel” in social situations. And with that, they return to the canopy bed to trade Ashley out for Kelsey.

Using the baiting question of how Kelsey is doing in the house, Chris tries to pry information out of her. Kelsey right away says that as emotions run higher, it’s harder and harder to maintain friendships with the other women he’s dating. Fair enough, but not to the point where everyone hates just one person and that one person is you, Kelsey.

She makes a speech of which I’m sure she’s very proud about how Chris needs to make sure that if he gets down on one knee, the woman he’s asking is ready to be a wife. But Kelsey is ready to be a wife because she’s been one. She says that. That is such a bizarre sentiment. Being “a wife” is different to different people and different relationships. That’s not like being a virgin and being a not. “Once a wife, always a wife” isn’t a thing.

Then Chris does what might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen someone on this show, or in life, do. He tells Kelsey that ASHLEY JUST TOLD HIM that the other women think she is fake. That the other women generally don’t like Kelsey very much. Kelsey is blind-sided and says she’s hurt. She ends their chat saying, “I would hate to lose all the potential there is between us because of girl talk.”

And then Kelsey starts walking back to the canopy bed of doom with poison in her eyes.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has WAY too much makeup on to be genuine,” Kelsey spits to camera. I mean, those are all true facts about Ashley, but Kelsey, your whole personality is such a production that of course they think you’re fake. “I’m twenty-eight years old. I’ve been married. I’ve lost the love of my life. I am a woman. And Ashley thinks she’s playing a game. And I’m not gonna forget that,” warns Kelsey.

Smash cut to Kelsey staring at Ashley with a look that can only be described as festering hatred. Kelsey looks at Ashley as though she is scalping the hair off her head and holding it high for all the Bad Lands to see. It’s straight up terrifying.

“I know what you did,” Kelsey finally says.

“What did I do?” Ashley snaps back.

“If you don’t remember your conversation with Chris then clearly it meant nothing to you,” retorts Kelsey.

Then Ashley starts firing off insults one after the other. And they’re good points, but she keeps saying “fricking” and “frigging” as filler, and it’s dulling their edge.

“Ok so I’m not from Pleasantville, but I’m from fricking two-thousand-fourteen,” she says, “You think you’re smarter than me because you use big words I can’t understand…You and I both have our masters degrees, and mines actually from someplace frigging good.”

But then Kelsey waits and says, “When I said last night that I was endeared to you and I respected you, I still mean that.”

“Ok,” Ashley says and then sulks away.

Yes, Kelsey, respect. That’s certainly what we’d call telling the camera that it’s time for Ashley to go home and play dress up just like she has for her whole life. Ah yes, the dress up she played in between getting an advanced degree? Woman can be more than one thing, Kelsey. They can be smart, and they can like makeup. They can wear pretty things and pursue higher learning. They can be specialized in a specific field but not have a huge vocabulary. There is no prescription for what it means to be a woman.

Ashley storms away to find Chris and starts sobbing to him about why on earth he told Kelsey what she said. Fair enough, because WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TELL ONE WOMAN THE BAD THINGS A SPECIFIC OTHER WOMAN SAID ABOUT HER? HAS HE NEVER MET ANOTHER HUMAN PERSON BEFORE TO KNOW THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA? WHAT KIND OF BRAINLESS TIT THINKS THAT’S AN OK IDEA?

Chris does his best to comfort the sobbing Ashley, but his skills are incredibly limited. He’s not good at doing anything but farm, so it comes as no surprise that his comforting skills are minimal. To wit, he takes this opportunity to send Ashley home!

He says that ultimately their lifestyles are too different and that he and she are in different places in their lives. That’s true. Would Ashley really be happy living in the middle of nowhere Iowa? I don’t think so.

But Ashley decides to go down swinging. “Do you really think Britt wants that lifestyle? Do you really think Britt would fit into your life better than me?” she manages through sobs. Britt would not fit into Chris’s lifestyle. She’s a “waitress” in LA which means she’s trying to be an actress/model and last I looked, there weren’t too many modeling opportunities in Arlington, IA.

Ashley flies off the handle with dramatics and rejection-induced hysteria.  She storms away, and Kelsey smiles a smile that could kill a small animal. The women see Ashley’s suitcase leave and are crestfallen.

Chris approaches Kelsey on the Canopy Bed of Doom to tell her that Ashley left. Kelsey throws herself on him to comfort him and say, “It’s a loss.” But then the tide turns. Chris stutters and stumbles througha speech and manages to form the thought that he is going to have Kelsey go home too. THIS IS THE BEST.

Chris just doesn’t see it there between them. Kelsey is crying but says that it’s ok it isn’t her. Then Chris once again throws up the deuces and peaces out. Not literally, but he does get into a helicopter and flies away as the cameras cut to an INCREDIBLE shot of the two women on crying on different mounds of land in the Bad Lands looking up as the helicopter leaves. QUALITY STUFF.

Not only do we get that incredible shot, but we get to see the women explode in celebratory joy as they see Kelsey's suitcase ALSO picked up by a PA. They jump up and down and hug. Carly breaks open the pink champagne and everyone drinks in their delight. It's fun to watch them celebrate with abandon.

To conclude: Chris is not a nice guy and is stupid about how humans work! Next week we have a double feature on Sunday AND Monday nights. And would you believe that Monday night is already Hometowns? I surely cannot. I’ll see you there!

Henley Monday -

Look at that smile plastered on this smug S.O.B. It’s like he’s taunting us. Taunting us to gaze so longingly upon his perfectly formed, truly god-like physique and eyes bluer than the ices of Jotunheim. Dear, dear Chris Hemsworth, we are so blessed by your existence and perfect casting/performance as Thor, God of Thunder.