The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

Henley Monday -

What are you doing on Tumblr?! It's time to focus up and get that Christmas shopping done! You've got just a little over a week to go and time is running out for those free shipping offers to get delivered by Christmas. Not to be such the Christmas Angel of Commercialism, but really, I'm starting to panic for the one or two people left in my life for whom I have no gift, and worse yet, not even an idea for a gift.

Ok so maybe with all the holiday stress, you and I both deserve a little down time to gaze upon the majestic form of Matt Damon looking really, really trim and cut and upside-down-triangle-y. Those balloons just made him giggle in delight and now I'm beginning to calm down a little.

Boo Hiss: Jingles

                    It would appear that the commercial jingle is back and back with the vengeance of a Spider-Man, a Conan the Barbarian, or a guy from any movie/show/legend in which he becomes a Gladiator.

Looking back on my childhood, the jingle that stands out most is Meow Mix. That little cat is now singing inside of your head. With one onomatopoetic word, they created something that stuck with people, across generations, for years and years. Smart.

The only other two stand out examples are products of Chicago-land's greatest carpeting and flooring rivalry: Empire vs. Luna. Here are the lyrics to these two jingles:

800-588-2300 Empiiiiire

vs.

773-202-*sound of four phone keys being pushed* Lunaaaaa

Creative. Anyone who grew up within a three hour radius of Chicago can start one of these jingles, and by the end at least two other people will have joined in. What they lack in creativity, they make up for in brevity and being memorable. Smart.

Now, all this is to say that the jingle has always seemed to me like a thing of the past to me, like something out of I Love Lucy. They're effective only to a certain point (e.g. I don't buy cat food, and I've not yet had a need for floor covering), and, most importantly, they can backfire. The recent outcropping of jingles has, I fear, done just that.

Take this piece of crap for instance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH3CshbUHZY&feature=related

This is what my brain does during that commercial:

"This song is relevant to pizza, but what's all this scrawling across the screen? It's too small then TOO BIG! And his red pants and his murdery red room and he sounds a little pitchy, dawg and the doodling's not helping. Those rocker hands look like cacti. Who is that big-nosed guy in the back? Is that Inspector Clouseau? That's a pretty big rip-off, and he doesn't have anything to do with pizza! Oh, it's over...What was he saying"

Not smart.

This commercial jingle from Post-Its though makes the Pizza Hut song sound like sweet baby cherubim: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q3DMW4e0OE

I am filled with bilious rage on hearing this song. This isn't even a jingle anymore, this is a 90s lady-singer-songwriter jam about plastic tabs. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Phoebe's old music partner comes back, and she writes shitty jingles for stew and sells out "Smelly Cat" (fun fact: that actress also voiced Tommy Pickles!).

Look, Post-It has a brand and they are sticking to it. Their products truly make my life easier, but there are no ground breaking situations in which I'd use a "durable tab" they've presented to me there.

Where would I use "a durable tab"? Pretty much anywhere I have a plain old, REGULAR POST-IT like my planners, cookbooks, files, paper work, but for Pete's sake, if your binder dividers for a home assembled take-out book didn't come with built-in tabs, then that's your fault for being an idiot and not thinking about that at Office Depot when buying them.

NOT SMART.

I do not think these jingles are effective. I do not think they have a place on my TV or in my brain. The problem that they demonstrate is that we're moving away from the purpose of a jingle in the first place. It was quick, catchy, memorable. This latest crop are long, over-wrought, over-produced songs. They have nothing original to say, they're just statements with a tune.

It's tough to admit given their abundance, but the only people doing it right are the Free Credit Score guys. They are clever and present their information in a unique way. I'm not super pumped when one gets stuck in my head, but when it inevitably does, I don't want to kill all the things in the world (lookin' at you, Post-its).

In the end, if you're not using music as a means to disguise an otherwise boring ad, you can stick around. But if you are...then BOO HISS.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

We're joining our Lady Desiree on the exotic isle of Madeira, the largest island in an archipelago belonging to Portugal and off the coast of Morroco. And they say you can't learn from watching this show!

Tensions are high even after last week’s relieving loss of James, as hometowns are close on the horizon. But in the meantime, everyone is amped up about being in Madeira given that not one of them has ever heard of it before.

The way Desiree says “potential” is really irritating. She hyper-pronounces the first syllable so it’s “PO-ten-tchall” rather than “puh-TEN-shall”. It’s really important that she sees a POtential future with any guy she keeps around.

OH MY GOSH! DESIREE HAS COMPLIED WITH THE PRODUCERS’ WISH TO BRING BACK FORMER CONTESTANTS FOR ADVICE AND FULFILLED MY DREAMS. I love when they do this. It is always a welcome breath of fresh air.

We see Catherine, Lesley, and Jackie (huh? I mean ok?) lounging about by the pool. First everyone awkwardly makes fart faces as Catherine tells them how she and their collective ex-boyfriend are doing in their relationship.

Lesley brings her assertive opinions that we love her for. Everyone gives general advice about finding someone sincere and fun, but then it gets great because Catherine has binoculars. They all share the binoculars to ogle the remaining guys. The guys are basically prancing around and preening in the pool for this exact moment.

Catherine then asks a series of questions like best eyes, best smile, most athletic, and then biggest dick. Desiree looks scandalized but Catherine just giggles away. Guys Catherine is the best; can she just stick around and bring some fun to this otherwise kind of boring season?

The girls disperse as we leave in a smart car for Brooks’ first one-on-one date since the first episode. Madeira is incredibly beautiful, and the date mostly consists of them driving around, seeing the sights, and being pretty cute. They have a picnic on top of a mountain inside of a cloud. Brooks is very sincere and so accessibly handsome. He doesn’t make me uncomfortable with his good looks, but is still a good looking guy.

The way the clouds are moving is all very romantic and otherworldly. Soaring music cuts in over a montage of them kissing and holding each other and telling the camera how much the journey means to them.

On the ramparts of an old part of the city, Des and Brooks have a candlelit dinner. He is wearing this giant, chunky striped cardigan. I love it. He’s got a good sense of style where he brings his own spin to things. Brooks tells Desiree all about his family and how important it is when a girl meets his family blah blah blah. He cries about his dad blah blah. His brothers and sisters are supportive blah.

But uh-oh. Brooks admits that his emotions might be a little farther behind where Desiree’s are. He’s unsure whether or not he’s serious enough about her to really introduce her to his family. But then fireworks start and he’s like “yeah I’d love to bring you home to them.” So, that’s interesting.

We need to make an additional rule for the Bachelor/ette Drinking Game about whenever there is a private fireworks show.

Chris is getting the other one-on-one date. I think we all know what that means: POETRY CORNER! Chris is super nervous about his date because he wants to tell her that he loves her. “I want to take her home very badly,” is a thing Chris says and also something a murderer would say.

This guy is such a goober. He fist pumps and says “drinking vino” and squeals like a lady when Des tells him they’re heading out to the open sea on a yacht. They sensually apply sun block as Chris tells us about their deep physical attraction.

In the middle of a meadow filled with wildflowers with cliffs to their backs and sea to the front, the couple shares a picnic. I feel like every conversation they have is the same, just in different beautiful settings. I mean obviously they like each other but it’s always “what do you imagine family to be?” and “being open and fun is really important to me” or some version of that.

Y’all. You all. Chris brought a bottle and some paper so that the two of them can WRITE A POEM TOGETHER AND PUT IT IN A BOTTLE AND THROW IT OUT TO SEA. They are writing “poetry” together. It is so much worse than I could have hoped for. After finishing it and remarking “not too bad” (I WOULD BEG TO DIFFER), they share a kiss and throw the bottle out to sea.

Random shot of a stray cat! Then dinner in a winery. Chris is geeking out to tell Des that he’s in love with her. I’m nervous for him but sad that it won’t come in the form of an ABAB rhyme-scheme poem. Chris and Des talk about how many kids they want and how family size is important. This obviously leads them to talk about what it will be like for Des to meet his family and how many of Desiree’s boyfriends her family has met. She says they only met her high school boyfriend and neglects to mention that one FATEFUL EVENING THEY ALL MET SEAN WHO YEAH WE SHOULD CLASSIFY AS A BOYFRIEND BECAUSE THE “L” WORD WAS USED. Interesting.

Chris is very awkward and sweating and twitchy he’s so nervous to tell her. My roommate accurately points out that at least his nerves show that his feelings for Des are real.

OH JUST KIDDING GUYS, HE DID WRITE A POEM. HE IS A TOUCHED LITTLE PSYCHO WHO BRINGS ME GREAT JOY:

INDIVIDUALLY DEFINED – is just the NAME of this poem. Oh man. OH man.

The strongest words with so much meaning

Hard to say without a stammer

But when expressed with true feeling

Sincere for no other word can mean so much more

LIKE - the time we have, atop the hotel 17 above

Feelings had changed and were, oh, so real

Meant to be is how I feel.

Our hearts are open

Words expressed by you

Feelings that I know are so true

I look forward to the unknown

Appreciate youre emotion you have shown

And I am also hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home

Expressed in writing and felt through touch

Enjoy this moment and embrace this rush

The strongest words with so much meaning

Not so hard to believe it’s true

Our hearts are open

And in every kiss I truly mean

That I love you.

Desiree, of course, eats it right up. She tears up and kisses his big dumb cute face. You can see how happy she is when she hears those three little words. Romance ensues as they walk arm in arm through a moonlight park and kiss and kiss. I can see these two going far.

“At this point, it’s not about ‘Am I going home this week or next week?’ it’s about when do we get to start the rest of our lives together? When do we get to start that?” Chris you melt my heart of stone every time! Stop it!!!!

Ugh. Michael has his one-on-one date. I would just rather not watch him do anything. At this point, not only is his sexual orientation dubious, but he’s just not at all my kind of guy. He’s a little aggressive and just dorky. He picks out a necklace that color coordinates with her outfit. HE’S GAY. AND NOT EVEN COMPATIBLE WITH DESIREE. What is going on? The date has them going around town and eating by a park and going on a concrete toboggan.

“When I kiss her I feel a flood of emotions,” he says. A flood of emotions about how you like boys and not girls, Michael? I don’t know. Michael wants to tell Desiree that he’s falling in love with her. I have to object. He is a just a little butthole who also had a rough childhood blah blah blah. He has diabetes blah blah. He has a deadbeat dad blah. The date is sort of fine. I do not see Michael going farther than this.

Ok the heart of the matter is here: the two-on-one starring Drew and Zak. No one is being sent home on the date today, but one guy will get a rose to rest easy the rest of the week. I’m pretty much in awe that Crazy Eyes is this far into the game.

“I’m totally in love with this woman, and I’ve known her for weeks,” says Zak. Is he saying that like he knows how completely psycho that sounds? Or is he saying that like it’s a normal, fine thing?

As the ultimate in romance, they will be doing intense go-kart racing. How exotic and unique to the island of Madeira. Des has the two boys race one another to win a special prize. Drew gives his entire interview about this with a giant helmet covering 90% of his face. Zak, once again, makes the analogy of go-kart racing to the journey of love. Way to go Zak. Two for two.

Zak wins. We don’t know what the prize is yet. In the mean time, the group settles into a ratchet little picnic on two dinky blankets in the grass of the track surrounded by crash tires. The rose is even displayed on a tiny go-kart tire! What the hell producers?! We really dropped the ball on this one, didn’t we?

Despite the lack of ambience, Desiree admits that she’s having a comfortable, fun time on this date. Zak’s prize is that he gets to have alone time with her first. He has acquired some cray-pas and filled a sketch book with pictures of their time together. The first is a drawing of some abs from the first night they met. It’s goofy and dumb, but I can’t help thinking it is a sweet gesture. In the end, Zak decides not to confess to Desiree that he’s falling in love with her.

 Next up is Drew’s time. He tells us that he has carefully curated his thoughts and emotions so he can properly express them to Desiree. He is such a sweet little type-A peach. Desiree almost cries as he tells her about his sister who has some kind of disability. He just says that she’s severely mentally handicapped and can’t properly express her emotions but can feel all the love and excitement for her family. You can tell that Des is heart set on meeting Drew’s family. That rose has his name on it.

Both guys really want the rose to feel confident that the emotions they feel for Des are reciprocated. After a speech thanking the men for their time and care, she gives the rose to Drew. I kneeeeeew it.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN the ominous beat thuds as the men pack and anxiously await their fate at the rose ceremony. Desiree’s dress is a stunning, draped blue number. It is like liquid on her and the color is amazing. She sits down for a lil fireside chat with Chrarrison.

Desiree, while talking about her relationships with the men, begins to cry. Particularly over Brooks because she didn’t know that she’d even have these kinds of emotions but is scared because he hasn’t said that he loves her. She wants to believe the best. When Chrarrison asks her point blank if “this” (the process) is over, she says it isn’t because she also is falling in love with Chris! While this isn’t shocking, it’s surprising that we get such a candid interview with her at this point in the process. Typically we don’t hear the “L” word from a Bachelor/ette until much later on.

After a speech from Chrarrison and a speech from Desiree that she’s falling in love, the rose ceremony gets down to business. Before she calls the names I can predict what happens: first up is Brooks, then Chris, leaving Michael and Zak. I predicted that correctly, you’ll have to trust me. The final rose goes to…Zak. I thought that would be the case, but I wasn’t as sure with him. Michael appears heartbroken and sad, and I am just so happy to see him go.

This rose ceremony is always one of the hardest to watch. Oftentimes the guys take it so personally that she didn’t want to go home and meet their families, but usually it’s not the family that’s the problem. Michael is very respectful in how he leaves her though. He’s “heartbroken” but wishes her nothing but the best and thinks the world of her. If he’s going to go holding onto the lie that he likes girls, at least he leaves like a respectful gentleman. The first thing he does though is call his mom.

Well kids, that wraps up this week in Madeira. Hometowns are next week and that always makes for an interesting night. I hope. We really need to pick things up here. Ok gang, follow me on twitter @chasspod in the interim, and check back next Wednesday for the recap!

Henley Monday -

Summer time has finally come and come to stay! The sun is shining and birds are chirping and trees are budding and the lilacs smell INCREDIBLE.

So here's Alexander Skarsgard on that lovely summer staple, the beach! He looks very rugged like a field photographer for National Geographics of yore. Thumbs up.

The return of summer also means another TV staple will return to our lives. True Blood starring the Skarsgard here will be back on June 16th with all it's insane and completely bazoo plotlines. Until then enjoy this trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGgt_jllHcA&feature=player_embedded

Not even joking tho Aaron Tveit can take off a hat he's been wearing while dancing and stuff and his hair just pops back into perfect shape like what the hell

These are facts. His hair is always like...

...I woke up like this. Flawless.

Henley Monday:

Find yourself matching Chris Evans' wistful expression as you peer out a window from your grey and lonely cubicle?

Direct your eyes towards his finely styled self and imagine him looking that wistfully in your direction and the troubles of Monday will fall away like leaves on an autumnally burning maple.

Keep it up with the pec framing fashion choices, Evans!

Well, the world has done it again. Without my asking or searching, it has delivered a magnificently joyous piece of Sesame Street-ery right into my lap. It's the Roots + Jimmy Fallon + Your favorite Sesame Street Monsters and Giant Birds + pure delight.

Please note - Quest Love picking his red monster friends fur right at the beginning.

PS - I really swear this won't become a Sesame Street/Muppets exclusive blog but they have just been on top of their PR game of late!

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap!

     We are three weeks into the thrilling slog-fest that is the Bachelorette, and I expect some men to start breaking ahead of the pack this week. We open on Emily being brought breakfast in bed by her Harvey Fierstein-voiced mother. Emily is ready for the week ahead!

Chris Harrison gives the men the run-down. We get it.  No rose = bye bye.  Chris from Chicago has the first one-on-one.

Quick jump to the date with Chris and he's in a nice cotton henley and jeans. While we all know how much I love a man in a Henley, I find this guy utterly plain looking. He has no upper lip and a huge neck.

                       And with him begins the series of increasingly difficult date challenges as metaphors for relationships. They are scaling a building to get to dinner. Emily is reasonably freaked out by hanging from a building with an impending lightning storm. Chris hopes he might steal a kiss, assumedly before they die like two hanging fried squirrels.

Once they make it to the summit, the wind keeps picking up on that rooftop, and Emily keeps gushing about how cute this guy is. I really don’t get it. HIS UPPER LIP IS NOT THERE.

They have the standard first date talk she's given all the guys so far. When Chris reveals he is only 25 and thus, younger than she, she is taken aback. Red flag?! Wuh-oh!

Cut back to the Man Palace, and Tony is having a generic conversation with his kid! He misses him, d’awww. But he is quickly falling into the trope of “single parent who misses their kid too much.” Dun-dun-DUNNNN!

Date card! Group date! There’s like a million of them on this group date! The message is, “Let’s play”. She really is quite the coquette. I just think these notes should be more like a Tyra-mail and rhyme and be super confusing and ultimately misleading.

Back to the stormy rooftop! Thunder! Wind! Chris is a MAN. He assures Emily that he’s ready for the responsibility of being a father.  She gives him the rose with very little fanfare or speech giving.

Oh God. We have yet another private concert where I’m sure they will awkwardly close dance to a medium tempo song by this Luke Bryan guy. You can tell the producers have kept the masses at bay, too, just at the edge of the shot waiting to descend when cued by Mr. Bryan.

Chris is blown away by this moment, and as he’s mentioned about 47 times, he REALLY wants to kiss Emily. So he asks her permission, which I bet she just ate right up, and boom! First kiss. Pretty tame. Like two grandma-at-Thanksgiving-pecks.  But Chris feels like this “is the start of something good”, and Emily seems to like him. So we’ll see where they’re headed in the weeks ahead.

             We are at a park for the group date!  Sean - 28 is there! They share his commentary a lot even though I don't recall a single interaction he's had with Emily. He’s not aggressive and I like that! But on this show that could be trouble.

Stevie the Party MC is also there, and his black t-shirt is ridiculously tight because he is a grown-ass bar mitzvah dancer and lacks all common sense and I hate him.

Emily brought her girlfriends to the park to screen and grill the men.  I really love this idea for both practical and entertainment reasons.

Tony talks about his kid. Jef is quiet and composed. Doog refers to his kid as a “little one” again. They are all “absolutely” ready to be dads. Travis still has his ostrich egg from episode one! He’s named it Shelley. John “Wolf” gets a little flustered.  Stevie pops and locks, and I almost poison myself.

They tell Sean - 28 he’s cute! He is! His family is centered on faith, and he’s a lovely human.  But Emily’s friend Wendy is getting a little frisky with him and makes him strip and do push-ups with her on his back and everyone’s really uncomfortable.

                  As if they haven’t been through enough already, a hoard of children is called forth with whom the men shall prove their fatherliness. They mostly do really well, but Ryan kind of makes a boo-boo when he says that if Emily got fat after they got married he “would still love [her], but might not love ON [her] as much”. The women are yikes-ed out, but he’s still extremely confident.

Sean - 28 and Doog are the standouts from the interviews and kiddie-time date.  Sean - 28 talks again about his great family. Doog has a truly sad story about his mom leaving them, his epileptic dad dying, and going through foster care. After all that, he’s a solid dude and could be a great choice for Emily.

Back at the Man Palace we find out the other one-on-one date goes to Arie. Kalon is jealous, and the other guy who I keep forgetting is there was there.

Back at the group date cocktail hour (When do these people ever eat?!), Emily comforts a teary Tony who misses his kid a lot. Doog comforts Tony and says the same thing only even more comfortingly. Tony calls his kid and cries some more in the back alley. 

                           Emily finds him, and she does a really kind of valiant thing in letting Tony go because she knows that their connection isn’t strong enough. She may be a little boring, but it cannot be said this woman lacks class.

The date rose goes to Sean - 28! Yay! I predict that they put so much of him into the first couple of episodes because he’s going to go a long way in this thing. As he should; they look like Barbie and Ken together.

It’s time for Arie’s date! After a short private jet ride, they arrive at the holiest of holy lands: DOLLYWOOD! It is seriously a dream of mine to visit Dollywood, and Arie has never even heard of it! Silly, Arie

After standard-issue theme park fun, the fear-factor challenge of this date is to write a love song on the spot. How horrifying! But what’s this? A pair of spandex pants and bejeweled boots? HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL, IT’S DOLLY PARTON. I love this woman. So does Emily who is peeing her pants.  Dolly WROTE A SONG FOR HER! I’m totally okay with this private concert because OH MY GOD IT’S DOLLY PARTON, YOU GUYS. SHE WROTE “NINE TO FIVE” ON HER ACRYLIC FINGERNAILS FOR PETE’S SAKE.

                 Her song is a simple tune, but she's just stunning. Arie has no idea why this is a big deal at all, but he thinks Emily is super cute in how she's geeking out.  I am seriously touched by the conversation Emily and Dolly have about true love.

Arie is very handsome dancing with Emily all close and lovey.  Dolly thinks they look very smart as a couple, she would know, she “has an eye for those things”.

During “dinner” (wherein zero food is ingested), the conversation is about, shocker, kids and if he’s ready to have them. He is. He gets a rose after she fakes him out! Haha! This is comedy!

Arie, too, believes this is “the start of something great”,  and they kiss on the carousel. This ain’t no grandma pecking kisses, neither.  They are mackin’. Things look good for those two.

Emily is wearing a sparkly, slinky number for the cocktail party. She pulls Kalon aside first to chat and connect, probably. Things are at his standard level of snoot until he butts in with, “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish,”. And later when he says he gets everything his way she says, straight faced, “Oh, I had no idea.” Old girl might have some spice in her yet. The end of the story is that Kalon is a terd.

                    Travis finally has Emily help him “set Shelley free” by breaking her onto the driveway.  Travis is blah, but adorable Charlie pops his head out the door to squeal “Shelley, noooo! Shelley, nooo!” and then has the men toast to Shelley’s memory. Points for Charlie.

Oh look Alessandro is there and very orange and refers to a wife and family as “a compromise”. It is made clear this is not a language barrier problem, and Emily sends him home right then and there. But he’s okay because he’s living his life “like a gypsy king.”

The men could sense how upset Emily was, and I think she was rightly upset in that case. Most of the men just sit and stare, but Arie goes and comforts her. They kiss a lot, and it’s really cute. But Ryan sees and he is jeaaaaloooous.

Jef is the first to get a rose, and since I haven’t really had another opportunity, let me take this one to sing his praises. Jef is like a sexy elf-king who stores all his power in his pompadour. Jef is great, and Jef and his jean jackets, skinny ties, and skateboard can stay. 

So who’s out? When it comes down to Stevie and Nate “the guy I forget is there”, it looks like Stevie will be popping and locking his way back to New Jersey. Hooray!

We get a peppering of drama to come with Ryan’s voice-over of jealousy proclaiming war on “dainty-man” Arie (because being over six feet tall and a race-car driver is “dainty”).

The preview of the week to come looks juicy. With a bachelorette as vanilla as Emily, it looks like we’ll be depending our bachelors to bring the zing this season.

May the madness descend upon them swiftly in Bermuda.

Henley Monday - 

Hi folks! Here at Henley Monday I thought I'd start to throw some new players into the game in order to give you even greater perspective as to how universally attractive the henley is.

As such, here is Marat Safin, currently a Russian politician, but more appropriately a former pro-tennis player. Can you imagine a human person being more adorable and sexy at the same time than Marat is being here? His little sweater henley and his whole-face smile and what I imagine are his sinewy forearms.

Good stuff. Spasibo for this Marat, spasib bolshoe.

Well the reason I watched The Bachelorette last year was because they were advertising our first season of The Bachelor everywhere (I'm Australian) and I remembered seeing parts of Trista Rehn's season years ago. I really enjoyed the Australian Bachelor & I would recommend it but apart from that I haven't seen any other version. There is a second Australian season later this year but no Aussie Bachelorette yet :( I'm tempted to watch the Canadian Bachelor though!

Everyone, let's all get down on our knees and thank MyLatestDream for brining international versions of The Bachelor Franchise to our attentions.

That is so amazing. I think now that we have some downtime before Andi's season starts (yay Andi!), I'll try out Aussie and Canadian bachelor. I'm typically a bigger fan of the Bachelorette, so I hope Australia gets one soon! Thanks for the vital info, you're the best gal!

This research is going to be so fun too, for instance IS THERE IRISH BACHELOR?