The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap!

Not even joking tho Aaron Tveit can take off a hat he's been wearing while dancing and stuff and his hair just pops back into perfect shape like what the hell

These are facts. His hair is always like...

...I woke up like this. Flawless.

Sorry to inform you, but the picture you posted is not Michael Fassbender. It's a model, I don't know the name, but it's definitely not Michael Fassbender. Have a good day, though!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I think in my delirium I saw the guy and my brain was like "close enough!". I did the Google image search that Catfish taught me how to do. Turns out this guys name is Andrew Stetson and while incredibly attractive, Fassbender he ain't.

Many thanks to Ladyfayte for the correction!

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

     This week on the Bachelorette, the party is officially leaving Charlotte and heading to Bermuda (which I bet is geographically located in a very different place than where your brain thinks it is)! I was wary considering Emily insisted on being in Charlotte to be close to Ricki, but it looks like she’ll be tagging along for most of the adventures. We get some screen time with just the two of them, and Emily truly looks like a great mom with a great kid. You can tell Ricki is going to grow up to be just as pretty as her mother. Thanks genetics!

This week we’re getting a fully mixed bag of dates with a one-on-one, a group date, and the first of the dreaded two-on-ones where only one bachelor comes out alive.

Inexplicably and hilariously all of the bachelor’s pull up to their hotel on matching mopeds.

The one-on-one goes to…DOOGLAS! Oh Doog, you sweet baboon. Let’s see how many times you mention your “little one” on this outing. The burgeoning tropical storm outside affects the stormy mood indoors as the men egg on poor Doog because he is super nervous. Arie points out how “easy it is to push Doug’s buttons” and we watch the men poke a bear with a stick by saying “We think you’re just building it up in your head,” for two whole minutes.

Emily notices the tension in the room because she walks in just as Doog was about to step to Arie. The two lovebirds leave for the date, and Arie, charming as ever observes Doog’s resemblance to a certain comic book character. “Doug ANGRY! DOUG SMASH! Doug…sad,” he says in a Hulk voice.

For the date, Emily and Doog walk around downtown St. George and do some touristy shopping things. “I just like island towns a lot,” Doog observes. Emily likes this date because it’s what a “married couple would do on vacation”.

                       On the steps of a lovely church Doog tells Emily all about how lucky he was to have a great grandpa who raised him, and how he wants to be that kind of father figure to his son Austin. Emily is very impressed by his positive attitude but wants to know if he is ever not perfect. He admits being grouchy when Emily picked him up. as he had just “scolded all the boys”. Emily quips, “They had the fear of God in them. You did a good job.” And Doog takes this as a compliment which is not great because Doog is starting to ride pretty high on his horse.

Emily and Doogie write a postcard to Austin, in reply to his letter to Emily the first night. This is actually sweet and shows how much Emily is always thinking like a parent. Then they make a wish and walk through this Moon Gate arch thingy, per Bermudian tradition. Emily’s wish? “That I won’t be single forever,” which…oh my gosh, girl, I feel you, but you’re gonna be fine.

                 Back at the hotel suite we get the group date card announcement. “Let’s set sail on the sea of love” is the date for these lucky fellows: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, and Kalon. 

It’s now “dinner” time for Emily and Doogie Bowser. Emily feels like he’s hiding something from her in how he always gives her the perfect answers. She worries that this is too much like Brad and her worst nightmare is this ending up like her and Brad again. So the Maynard plan of action is to put him before a firing squad in order to torture the flaws out of him. She wants to know what an ex would say his faults are, and he says “Too much time with my son.” He also says he didn’t was his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. “What kind of girls are you dating?” posits Emily, and I have to agree, Huh?

            Emily rattles off that she’s sensitive, stubborn, doesn’t work out (what a terd), and sometimes wears her pajamas all day. Then she realizes she put him in a really tough spot. “I’m just a guy,” Doog states, “I’m not a genius, and I’m not a dummy. I’m not wealthy, but I’m not poor. I’m just Doug.” She thinks he just may be that perfect a person, and gives him the rose.

Doogie is floating on cloud 9 but per his grandpa’s advice, won’t kiss a girl until he sure they want him to, so he hasn’t kissed a girl in….months…eesh. He also doesn’t EVER make the first move…eesh. Then he speaks in the third person...EEESH! I’ve got one eye on you, Doog.

             It looks a little chilly as the group date men arrive at the Royal Bermuda Yacht Club. They get a quick sailing lesson that consists mostly of “Watch out for the boom.” The men will be split into two teams and compete for the real date-time with Emily. Ryan with his, ahem, “Something about Mary” hair, rrreeaally wants to win because the only joy he has ever had in his life is from winning (I assume).

We cut to the hotel to see the men still agonizing over the two-on-one, when there’s a knock at the door. They will “explore this Bermuda-love-triangle” with Nate and John “Wolf”. They are :(

Back on the water, we have Team Yellow (Arie, Jef, Kalon, and Ryan) and Team Red (Charlie, Sean, Travis, and Chris). The race kicks off and the dramatic music kicks in. The race is kind of strangely shot so we’re never quite sure what is happening in the race or who is ahead. Sometimes the boats are seriously really close together and listing really heavily and I’m really scared and nervous. But the yellow team prevails! Bittersweet because Arie and Jef are two of my fav’s, but Kalon and Ryan are two of the worst.

         Oh my gosh, baby goblin prince Jef hurt his fingers, but it doesn’t matter because faint heart never won fair lady, right y'all?

The red team is sad they lost. They are “disappointed.” In the car they’re moping, and Charlie might be crying. He might just be tired, but we can’t really tell. Did his brain injury affect his ability to regulate his emotions?

At the “after party” Ryan kicks off by toasting to a “beautiful trophy...possible wife”. Grade A Tool-baggery. Arie steals her away first because he likes her so much and missed her. They are adorable talking and catching up like a real couple. They kiss. These two have fantastic physical chemistry in addition to their “connection.”

               Now we have alone time with Jef, the “master of group dates”! He is always so calm and soft-spoken when talking to camera. The two of them get wrapped up in a blanket by a big beach bonfire. Jef says he really likes who Emily is in between saying “like” a million times. I hate when people do this, but I love Jef so I’m chalking it up to nerves. She kisses his boo-boo finger!!!  And then we get a huge empty moment where there should have been a kiss, and Emily is sad there wasn’t one. She says it’s still fun to wait and anticipate that first great kiss. Smart, smart lady, this one.

Ryan is “being very intentional with what he’s doing” and is being a huge ass by testing Emily. Instead of the run-down of the conversation, here’s just a list of all the aphorisms uttered by Ryan during this segment:

-The enemy of great is good and just being “good” is not enough.

-I’m not here to impress you, but to make an impression upon you.

-If ya ain’t cheatin’, ya ain’t trying.

-Me and you would have some pretty children.

-God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.

-Being flirtatious is a good thing. If you cain’t flirt, what can you do?

-To whom much is given, much is required.

                       Emily sees through all of his BS and doesn’t like the feeling that Ryan is judging her. Preach, lady-sister!

Date rose goes to our pompadour-ed babe Jef! Much to his shock and precious surprise! He feels he’s beginning to fall for her. Fireworks over the bay and everything is lovely, for now...

Y’all, ready for the two-on-one?! The two men going have had barely any screen time yet and this is clearly a fat trimming move. I have to be honest that every time John “Wolf” speaks to camera, I get totally distracted by his job title - “Data destruction specialist”. What is that?! What kind of data does he destroy? Does this mean he has maximum security clearance? Does this mean he’s rich? Does this mean he’s just the copy-room guy in charge of the shredder? What?!

                   In the prison-like hotel suite, the other dudes get into an argument with Chris about age.  Chris gets really heated up that it doesn’t matter, and all the other guys are like “No, there’s a world of difference between 25 and 30.” What was just an average conversation got turned into a tiff thanks to Chris’ 25 year-old, dainty ego.

This two-on-one is so awkward it hurts me. They are on a boat, do some cliff jumping, then go on an amazing trip into cave for their dinner. It’s…painful. Nate keeps saying “kwin-oh-ah” pointing to his plate. Dude, stop talking about fiber and pronouncing quinoa super wrong.

             Emily hates her life in this moment. Nate cries about how great his family and friends are. Emily uses the word “innocent” to describe him and in that moment we know the axe has fallen on poor Nate. It is indeed the end of the road for Nate who makes a very graceful exit. JohnWolf gets the rose. He’s growing on me, but still not super special or stand-out.

           The cocktail party started with forty minutes left in the show, and Emily is in a slamming white jumpsuit. She is one of three people on Earth able to pull this look off. We talk with Alejandro first who is nervous because he hasn’t had hardly any time with Emily this week or at all and HOLY CRAP, YOU GUYS! JEF IS WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS! I SEE WHAT HE DID THERE! He’s also wearing sky-blue KNEE SOCKS!!! I LOVE HIM. KNEE SOCKS AND BERMUDA SHORTS IN BERMUDA 4EVA!

            Ryan is once again talking to Emily and laying it on thick, just...slathering it on. He is so condescending towards her.

Arie and Emily make out some more after telling each other how much they like each other. The two of them truly do have the best connection in the group.

Again, Ryan is such a huge butt-hole that I’m just going to directly transcribe what he said: “I like what I see in her; I see that there’s great potential. But then again, to be very honest with you, I feel like I’m called to something greater…When this whole thing is done, if it doesn’t work out for me, I’ll get involved with the media back home and say ‘Let’s do Bachelor-Ryan…Bachelor-Augusta… If I was the Bachelor, I would be ready to open my heart up, and it would be neat for everybody to see,” then smiles like a Cheshire cat. HE IS A FART BUCKET.

Emily and Sean -28 do have a strong connection considering how little time they’ve spent together. They have a natural ease to their conversation, good ebb and flow. They kiss and it’s nice, but there’s not the same heat as with Arie.

                 Chris rehashes the age thing with Emily again, and rather that really assure her, or me, that he’s mature and ready, it makes me feel like he’s insecure about it. He should be more insecure about the fact that he looks like Sam the Eagle, but instead he pulls Doogie Schnauzer aside to confront him. Doog completely has the upper hand in the argument as he keeps his cool, which just riles Chris up even more. “I’m never, ever gonna stand down to you,” Chris says, and Doog just laughs.

When Chris Harrison walks in to break up the cocktail party, someone dorkily says, “Christopher!” and it killed me but we don’t know who did it! *Sigh* Emily and Christopher have a good talk. Chris Harrison is such a calming presence and great voice of reason.  The most important part of the conversation is Emily admitting her “sixth sense” suspicion of Ryan and how he thinks he’s pulling one over on her. Chris is reassuring about the process, and that Emily needs to, basically, toughen up about the rose ceremony process because it’s her and Ricki's lives at stake.

           Jef in the front of the line in his shorts and rose and jacket is cracking me up. He looks like a Von Trapp! Sean – 28 is called first, good for him. Both Ryan and Kalon are still around, I suspect at the behest of the producers. In the end it comes down to Michael, Alejandro, and sweet, sweet brain-injured Charlie. She picks Alejandro. Alejandro the mushroom farmer who is 24 and very cute but VERY young. What??? Charlie and Michael are both sad to go, and I’m sad to see them go. Both are such sweet, adorable dudes. Michael has never been in love before?!?!?!? Oh, SWEETHEART, you are precious to me! I just want to squeeze them both.

                     Next stop on the world tromp is London!!! It looks like a great episode because Jef has a one on one.  Most importantly there is some major drama! As what I swear to you is the music from Intervention plays, we find out that one man is cold-hearted and sees Ricki as “baggage.” Emily is furious and tells him to “Get the F*** out.” So who could it be? Villain from the start Kalon? Virtual unknown Travis? Or is it someone we already love like Sean? Only time will tell. Until then, keep on your “journey” fellow viewers.

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

"That's what life's about. Straddling people. And Things."

We'll get to that quote a little later, but it was just so beautiful and perfect that I needed it to be emboldened, front and center. I might need it air brushed onto a t-shirt. Let's all remember that lil dollop of wisdom as we continue on this entire "adventure" to find love.

They waste no time jumping to the first one-on-one date with Clare. You remember Clare. She faked a pregnancy to meet the man to whom she wants to show her Dead Dad DVD. Clare is over the moon excited for this date.

“I know it sounds crazy, but this could be my first date with my future husband!” she beams to camera. I need Clare to take it down about 6 notches. She’s at about a 15, and I need her at a solid 9.

Juan Pablo blindfolds her which according to the girls is CRAZY! WILD! SO UNPREDICTABLE! And he whisks her away in his car. They arrive at a spectacular winter wonderland with snow covered pines and twinkling lights. It’s pretty stunning. Clare is giggling and laughing and beaming and squealing. She’s now at about an 18. To see her so excited makes Juan Pablo feel “bedder manna meelion bucks” (better than a million bucks).

They sled! They skate! Clare drops the first “fairy tale” of the season! And Juan Pablo dutifully reminds us that this is also his first ever one-on-one date. All told, it’s a pretty good one. I approve. We’re hearing a lot of very emotional words from Clare, and I’m scared she’s gonna be the psycho who falls in love way too quickly.

“I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long time,” she says. Oh, boy. I’m worried about this. She is near tears 90% of the time. Even when describing the way he “slithers into the spa”. I can’t Clare. I need you at a 9, and you are at a 15 and above at all times.

And you’re even higher than a 15 when you are intimately massaging Juan Pablo while almost crying talking about your Dead Dad. “Unless you’re gonna come in and be like a wonderful positive thing in my life, I will wait forever for that right one.” Um, is that a threat, Clare?

Also all during that, Juan did not pick up on the fact that her dad has died so when he asks about the story of her necklace, she has to talk even more about her Dead Dad. You can see his gears turning so, so fast trying to understand and make her feel comfortable.

“If you had a father that treated you like a princess, you will want a man who treats you like a princess,” Juan Pablo explains. Then he gets the rose to bring to Clare, who is still in the hot tub. “I’m having a very, very much good time with you. It was pretty, pretty much increíble,” are the words he chooses to express himself. I feel it important to tell you that anything I ever transcribe from Juan Pablo is exact because the way he chooses his words is hilarious and amazing.

OH DID YOU THINK THE DATE WAS OVER? NOPE. PRIVATE CONCERT. THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR A PRIVATE CONCERT ON THE BACHELOR. THIS ONE IS COURTESY OF JOSH KRAJCIK WHO I GUESS WAS ON THE X FACTOR. THANKS, JOSH!

Once again we’re making a quick transition over to Kat for her one on one date with Juan Pablito. Kat was not very memorable from night one, so I’m interested to see what she’s like other than pretty and blond. She, too, is flipping her lid that she is really going on this date today.

Juan Pablo picks her up at the mansion in his sick ass Tesla (I hope it’s not the kind that spontaneously combusts). The next mode of transportation they take is a private jet! No thank you! That seems way too involved for a single date!

JP excuses himself for a second to get some “soo-price-ess” (surprises) that are clues for the date. While he’s gone, Kat day dreams out the window that perhaps they’re taking a TRANSCONTINENTAL FLIGHT ON A PRIVATE JET THE SIZE OF PICK UP TRUCK. No Kat, you’re not going to Miami. And no Kat, you’re not going to New York City where it’s “kind of private and just the two of you” because that’s also not a thing in addition to a 5+ hour flight.

After a costume change into crazy neon outfits complete with flashing LED lights, they land in Salt Lake City, Utah. As night falls they run down a path that’s lighting up with colors as they go, and the trees are blinking with neon umbrellas stuck in them and they finally reach a screaming crowd because this date is yours and my collective nightmare: a 5K Electric Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Kat and Juan Pablo are the official kick starters of the race, so off they go. I would die. I would literally fake my death in order to get out of going on a five kilometer jog as a first date with a guy. I guess some of you psychos genuinely enjoy jogging and physical fitness, but I swear to the Lord Who Made Me if anyone ever sprung recreational jogging on me I will kill myself or him Amen.

There is electronic music blasting and people are screaming as they run. There are regularly spaced dance breaks. And I guess if I weren’t the kind of indoor-kid troll that I am, I would enjoy that date. And Kat is yet another former NBA dancer in the house so they look like they have fun. And boy can you guys even imagine the number of times they use electricity as a metaphor for love?!?! So many you could fuel a small city with their power HA HA HA.

After the finish line, there is a massive, I’m thinking genuinely about 15,000 people grouped together for a huge dance party that Kat and Juan Pablo basically MC by dancing on stage with the DJ. After once again announcing, “I am having a good time!!!” Juan Pablo picks up the rose and gives it to Kat over the roars of the audience. Good for them. But did they get to know each other enough over the sensual dancing and music? We’ll have to wait and see.

Now for the group date we have Chelsea, Christie, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Everyone is the same mixed bag of excitement versus nervous. Lucy is worried about getting his attention without flashing her boobs. Really.

“The date card said ‘Say Cheese’. So, I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I don’t know. I’m good at either one,” Kelly blankly slurs into camera. That line is hilarious, so you get a pass for dead eyes and “dog lover” as your occupation for now, Kell.

They are, of course, doing a photo shoot, as per Bachelor tradition that the first group date be camera involved (Sean’s romance novel covers, Desiree’s “music” video, etc). A ghoul with an electric blue goatee emerges as the photo shoot’s creative director. I’m pretty sure he’s actually from the Capital. So Caesar Flickerman informs the girls that this will be for charity and they will have special partners. It’s dogs. The special partners are dogs. Everyone is rightly out of their minds with joy upon entering a room full of dogs just waiting to be loved and played with.

Then a nameless leader tells us about how Models for Mutts helps raise awareness of pet adoptions via sexy photo shoots with dogs? This is surely another citizen of the Capital. The other guy she’s with can stay though. He’s actually from a charity called Best Friends Animal Society that is working to get pets adopted while working to make every shelter a no-kill shelter. So he’s fine. Effie Trinket can leave.

This is all too America’s Next Top Model for me. All of the sudden, Caesar Flickerman starts maniacally laughing and saying “Oooh! Oooh!” as he hands Elise and Andi their wardrobe. Which is just a piece of foam core. Yes. It’s a piece of thick card board.

“A photo shoot is not my comfort zone. Being nude is not my comfort zone…I mean I send people to jail every day for a living!” Andi laments to camera. And she’s RIGHT. SHE’S A MOTHER F***ING FEDERAL PROSECUTOR WHO SENDS GANG MEMBERS TO JAIL EVERY DAY. IN ATLANTA. ATLANTA! SHE DOES NOT, FOR ANY TV SHOW, MAN, OR CHARITY, HAVE TO WEAR A PIECE OF CARDBOARD IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO.

Elise doesn’t have to either, but she quickly trades with Lucy who is more than comfortable wearing no clothes in front of many people. Oh, but I should mention that when Elise tries to talk to Caesar Flickerman about how she’s a first grade teacher and wants to be a good role model he replies, “It’s not about what you are wearing that makes a good role model. It’s about what you are doing for charity. Ok, sweetheart? Thank you so much!” and WALKS THE F*** AWAY. LIKE A CHAUVINISTIC ASS HOLE. If Lucy is comfortable being nude, that’s great. More power to her. But if Elise, in any way, feels that uncomfortable or that this is not a good thing, then fine. She should not have to do it.

The photo shoot starts. There are lifeguards and bikinis and Elise traded nudity for a fire hydrant which she still complains about. Kelly on the other hand is bald and painted like a mangy dog, so she does not have time for Elise. “Are you kidding me? Wear the f***ing fire hydrant and shut the f*** up. Seriously.” Kelly. Stop it. You’re being awesome.

Andi is still freaking out in the background though. Finally, Juan Pablo comes over to help smooth things out. He reassures her that he’s nervous too, but he’s going to be nude right alongside her. When he’s talking to her, it seems like a lot less pressuring and forcing her to do it, and she ends up deciding to do it because it’s for a good cause. “You wanted an ‘aventura’ and you’re definitely getting an ‘aventura’ with this!” she teases him. Andi’s the best, y’all.

Oh and at no point in the entire episode is any screen with additional information on either charity. Seems like a worthy cause to potentially compromise your morals for.

What group date would be complete without a beautiful cocktail party at a roof top pool?

Cassandra pulls Juan Pablo away first and is very nervous to tell him that she has a son. She is a 21 year-old former NBA dancer who has a two year-old son. Huh. Ok. That’s a lot to process. Juan is very taken with her though and called her “elegant and cute” at the photo shoot.

Obviously the talk about her having a kid goes well, and Juan Pablo is even more enamored of her than before. In other mom news, Renee is gunning for a kiss in her quiet time with Juan. It doesn’t happen, but Renee is great. I’m hopeful for her.

Meanwhile, back at the poolside as everyone has had a glass of wine to calm their nerves, Victoria has had several. She’s being a little wackadoo, so Nikki decides to pull her aside and level with her, girl to girl.

“You need to tone it down. I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” whispers Nikki.

“Why? I just got here! I’m not hammered,” slurrrrrs out Victoria.

Smash cut to Victoria rolling around in her interview chair spewing out such beautiful words of wisdom as “If Juan Pablo were mine, I would just straddle him all the time. Because that’s what life’s about: straddling people. And things.” And other hits like “Kelly told me she wants to put a bark collar on me because I’m too loud!” Victoria cray, y’all.

Nikki is up next for one-on-one time. Juan Pablo really likes Nikki and especially likes that she is a hot pediatric nurse. While they are talking though, we are never far from Hurricane Victoria.

“Today I gave Juan Pablo the hymen [SIC] maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that,” Victoria says while pushing her boobs together for the camera. At this point Lucy the Nudist has pointed out that you are acting crazy, and that means it’s time to lock it up.

Things then very quickly go downhill. Victoria runs to find Juan Pablo and sees him talking to Nikki. She then turns and runs away. “Uh-oh, she’s had a little bit a LOT to drink?” Juan Pablo posits. She then runs past all the girls, manages to grab a swim cover up, and flees to the bathroom handicap stall where she locks the door and starts sobbing.

Renee, mother of an 8 year-old boy, saint, and all-around great woman goes to try and comfort her. Renee is so patient and so kind with an unreasonable drunk person who is so drunk at this point, she’s less rational than Renee’s 8 year-old. So determined is Renee to help this girl that she crawls under the bathroom stall door. Victoria basically just wants to go home and keeps saying, “I’m done!”

Then she burst out of the ladies room! She runs straight to the elevator bank but is met head on by none other than Elan Gale. He stops her because she’s not clothed, or shoed, or in any state of mind whatsoever to be on the streets of LA. She just keeps saying, “I’m done! I’m going home!” and Elan Gale keeps saying, “I understand you’re done. You can go home. But I have to get you a plane ticket. I have to get you a taxi cab. I can’t just let you go. It’s for your own safety!”

Victoria is having NONEYA BULLSH*** ELAN GALE! SHE STORMS OFF BACK TO HER HANDICAP STALL OF SOLITUDE TO RIDE OUT THE STORM!

Lucy very sweetly comes to tell JP about the situation with Victoria. I’m starting to like Lucy against every single other instinct I have. When JuanPa tries to go talk to Victoria she just completely shuts him down and is having a temper tantrum. He, very wisely, just walks away.

The date rose ends up going to Kelly for being the best sport of the day having the butt ugliest costume for the photo shoot. Juan Pablo makes the girls promise that Victoria gets home safe so that he can talk to her tomorrow.

Next day: it’s a hotel room. Victoria has stayed there overnight. Juan Pablo arrives to talk things over. She still wears the cover up and swimsuit from the ill-fated night before. Basically she apologizes and tries to be cutesie saying “Welcome to Brazil!” And he’s like “haha no, crazy lady” He actually says, “I’m 32. With a daughter,” and peaces out on her. Good for you Juan Pablo. Ain’t no daddy got time for that.

Alright here’s the quick rose ceremony wrap up because this feels like the longest episode in history:

·         Amy L makes a fool of herself doing a fake news interview with Juan Pablo

·         Sharleen warms up a bit to JP and apologizes for being a weirdo and saying “sir” a lot when she got the first impression rose

·         Cassandra is freaking out because she misses her son and is 21 so can’t process emotions

·         Renee comforts her because Renee is the best

·         Then Juan Pablo comforts her because Juan Pablo really likes Cassandra so she’ll stay for now, but we’ll see how long she can hold up under the pressure of being away from her baby (which is totally fair)

·         Who’s in: Kat, Kelly, Clare (from their dates) Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and finally Christy whose foundation continues to be two shades darker then her body.

·         Who’s out: Victoria, obviously, Chantel whose fate was sealed when they kept cutting to her for her two cents during the episode, and Amy L our intrepid reporter.

·         What’s next: SO MUCH! So much more drama and romance. See you next week.

·         Twitter: @Chasspod

·         Kisses and hugs

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

Hello again everyone. Back so soon for more Bachelorette good times? We are so close to finishing this thing I can taste it. I can also taste the Jewel brand chocolate chip cookies I am mainlining into my face-hole right now, but I can also dimly taste the sense of accomplishment of finishing this season. Let’s savor, shall we?

We are in the tropical island paradise of rich culture and generally impoverished people of the Dominican Republic. The producers give us that special, special time with Andi where instead of watching her walk around the resort thinking back on her relationships with the three remaining men, we watch Andi journal through her relationships with the three remaining men. Let’s boil down the whole segment: Andi likes Josh; Andi likes Chris; Andi likes Nick.

The one thing this whole video montage made me remember were all the amazing turtlenecks we saw this season. There were some really great turtlenecks, but I think that now, mercifully, we are spared from the wrath of sweaters evocative of the necks of turtles because of the Caribbean climate.

Andi is thrilled for her first one-on-one date this week with Nick. She is really excited to spend so much time with him. They hop right into a helicopter (yay!) to go see the gorgeous coast of the island of Hispaniola on which the Dominican Republic, along with Haiti, resides. So don’t say I never taught you anything.

They land on a private island with a private beach and private picnicking and snorkel gear! I want to snorkel there! Before they snorkel they make out in the water a lot. Then they sit on the beach and have a very important discussion on how Nick really felt after his bad break ups. He fumbles over his words to tell Andi how he really feels which is that he loves her. He rambles and bumbles and stops and starts. My roommate makes a very good point that Nick’s emotions for Andi are obviously real because there’s no way he’d be so dorky and fumbling over the right words if he was a player. He’d have it all scripted out. Good point, Casey.

After that awkward conversation, they snorkel! And make out. Mostly making out under the guise of snorkeling.

They get back to the main island for a moonlit dinner on the beach. And some boring stuff happens but then the BEST THING HAPPENS. In the grand tradition of the guys doing weird shit to show their love, Nick has written AND ILLUSTRATED a fairytale about him and Andi’s love. WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED A FAIRYTALE. YOU GUYS.

He even went to the trouble of distressing the edges of the illustrations before pasting them with a glue stick onto the pages of a red leather bound book onto which he had also pasted the typed out words of the story. It looks long as hell too. Andi is of course the best sport and may even genuinely be really touched by this weird, weird, weird gesture.

Andi then presents him with the Fantasy Suite card and he rambles along before finally saying that he’s trying to say yes. Nick tries one last time to express his full emotions by pulling Andi aside to talk to her by a palm tree. He then enumerates all the things he likes about her and tells her that he loves her. “You know, you’re it for me. And it’s terrifying. But when you know, you know,” he says. There you go Nick! That’s all you needed to say. Andi is of course contractually obligated not to say I love you back, but she kisses the shit out of him. They go into the fantasy suite and that’s that. They presumably bone their little brains out.

Now it’s time for Josh’s day of fun with Andi! They are in the capital city of Santo Domingo which is inland and therefore five million degrees hotter than the coast. They explore the city and try different foods and drinks. And surprise! Josh speaks Spanish! As a fellow hispanohablante, this makes me like him just a smidgeon more. They dance in the square together and make the most out of both being bad dancers.

Then Josh endears himself to me even more by speaking Spanish to a bunch of little kids that they play baseball with. That’s really sweet and a cool activity. As long as they weren’t actually disrupting a game that these kids were playing. Eh. Let’s pretend they didn’t!

After the game they have a talk on a park bench and Josh tells Andi that he loves her. Andi is thrilled and they kiss a lot. Josh even calls out the fact that he knows Andi can’t say anything back. Interesting. And a bold move for Josh to put himself out there and “put his guard down” with Andi.

Dinner is at a beautiful resort where the both of them sweat buckets. I can’t really focus on the discussion for all the sweat pouring out of their faces. They talk about how they would be as parents and what they want out of the relationship and the future. So after much talking AND NO EATING. NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. NO, NO, NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. You can’t go to the fantasy suite on an empty stomach! The thing that kills me is that the napkins are still in the napkin rings. The food hasn’t even been pushed around to give the appearance of having been eaten. When do these people eat???

They go to walk to the fantasy suite and watch a fireworks show. Then go into a seriously plush ass fantasy suite. It’s the size of a small mansion. They are excited to just be together and “have more time to spend together”. Why this show tries so hard to be coy about what happens inside those fantasy suites is beyond me, but they just are.

Andi and Chris meet in the middle of the countryside of Rancho Peligro (Danger Ranch!). She is wearing this caftan-like top that would be a real cute beach cover-up but not a skirt/dress like she’s wearing. And in these tiny little short-shorts Andi is going horseback riding. NO thanks. No thank you. Farmer Chris is excited and feeling confident. Andi is nervous, very, very frightfully nervous. And she should be because wearing shorty-shorts on horseback in 10000 degree heat would be hell on earth.

Chris is being so supportive and patient with Andi as she panics on her horse. She is not good at riding that horse. It’s hard to be that bad at sitting on a horse. They stop at an obliging tree for a little picnic. Chris is so sweet. Andi takes the time to tell him how much she loved his whole family. They do more generally sweet stuff and even play hide and seek which they call ghost in the graveyard, but we all know that ghost in the graveyard is only for when it’s dark out. So there.

The two change out of horse-riding mode and settle down to have a poolside chat. They talk more about “the Iowa thing”. Chris tries to tell her that he knows how hard it would be for her to make the transition to Iowa life, but that it’s not beyond her grasp to be successful there. Andi makes some good points that it’s hard to take a gamble on moving to Iowa and putting all this faith in a decision they don’t know will work out.

Then she picks up the fantasy suite card and says that making the decision to give that card with so many unknowns with Chris is going to be hard. And he pauses and says, “I don’t know where you want me to…what you want me to do at this point.” She starts to get pretty emotional as they continue the discussion. Chris takes the opportunity to once again tell her that he’s in love with her.

“I could sit here and blame it on Iowa and take the easy way out…but part of it is because I don’t see the foundation is there with us,” she tearfully says to him. Oh, Chris. Oh poor Chris. To tell a woman you love her and for her to say she’s not on the same page on NATIONAL TELEVISION has got to be a bitter pill to swallow. She continues to explain everything to him very sadly that she just is not in love with him like he is in love with her.

Chris, like the true gentleman and man that he is, is so gracious and respectful to her. You can see in the slump of his shoulders how crushed he is. He is absolutely crestfallen, and it is so hard to watch. Andi even says that “on paper” he has everything that a woman could ever want, but “my heart and my head don’t match up”.

And then they get up to say their final good-bye, and you guys, I’m not kidding, I lose it. I lose it and cry a little because Chris COULD NOT BE A NICER PERSON. He tells her what an amazing woman she is even as she denies it. She apologizes again and he says, “Don’t be sorry. You can’t control your feelings. I want you to feel all the things I feel for you, but if you don’t, then let me go home.” She tells him how grateful she is to know him and that he was there for this whole experience, and they hug goodbye. This show made me cry you guys. What is happening?

IT’S JUST TESTAMENT TO WHAT A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING CHRIS IS. I NOW HAVE ZERO DOUBT THAT HE WILL BE OUR NEXT BACHELOR BECAUSE HOW COULD HE NOT BE AFTER THIS????

For the ruse of the Rose Ceremony, Andi is wearing a guava pink chiffon sack. It’s beautiful to be sure but a sack nonetheless. She sits down with Chrarrison to debrief the whole week from her breakup with Chris the night before to both men telling her that they are in love. Andi weighs the positives and negatives of both guys to help us fill the time that would’ve been occupied by a rose ceremony.

But they decide to still go through a rose ceremony because the men still need to accept a rose to say that they are still 100% in this. And after they have accepted that rose, to say that could see getting down on one knee after meeting Andi’s family.

The boys are both trotted out to a small dais on the edge of the sea. When Chrarrison comes down to greet them, he tells them that Chris is no longer there much to their surprise. But this is now the third season in a row where there have only been two contestants left at the rose ceremony after the fantasy suite dates. In Desiree’s season Brooks went home early, last season Andi dumped Juan Pablo, and now Chris was let go before the fantasy suite.

With little ado, the roses are given out to Nick and Josh respectively. They are all smiling and so happy to be almost at an end. Josh is sweating through his navy blue shirt and light gray pants so hard.

Josh says he can already picture her being called Andi Murray because that “has a nice ring to it.” Darn tootin’ it does because that’s already the name of a famous tennis player. A really famous tennis player. So that might be why you can already hear that name clanging around your head.

THAT’S IT GUYS! WE JUST HAVE THE MEN TELL ALL LEFT AND THEN THE FINALE WILL BE NIGH UPON US! WE’RE SO CLOSE! THAT TASTE IS SO STRONG IN MY MOUTH!!!!! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD FOR MORE FUN TIMES AND ALSO FOLLOW HERE ON TUMBLR FOR OTHER JUICY GOSSIP AND ME YELLING IN ALL CAPS ABOUT THINGS I LIKE! BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!

Henley Monday - 100TH POST!!!

Friends, brethren, fellow aficionados of men's casual wear, it is with high head and swelling heart that I bring to you the 100th post here on Pop Culture Polar Bear.

For this momentous occasion, I thought long and hard about the pictures I would select and the men I would feature. After much toiling, the only right thing to do was to bring you my top two favorite hunks. Mr. Ryan Gosling and Captain "Chris Evans" America.

Never in the storied history of fashion have two men fully understood and appreciated the full majesty of the henley shirt quite so well as these two. May God continue to bless them in all their endeavors, and may He continue to bless our eyes with the sight of men rocking this timeless piece.

Bonus Ryan Gosling and his dog George!!!

DOUBLE BONUS CAPTAIN AMERICA TUSHIE!!!!!!!

Accurate and Astute Analogies:

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Joey Richter is to Andrew Garfield, as Steve Urkel is to Stefan Urquelle. Discuss!

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

It's hometowns, y'all! In what always promises to be, and frequently delivers, a very full episode of shenanigans, drama and love. Des is also defying all laws of logic and reason and bringing back her brother to talk about the guys.

Before we get to that circus, let's start with a real freak show: Zak and his family in Dallas, Texas. Des seems to be as shocked as we are about Zak making it far enough to meet his family. He warns us that if we think he's crazy (we do), his family is really crazy (oh God). Zak and Des have the first part of their day in a pretty park. He really won't let the sketching/art thing go, so he's once again toting a sketch book to show he’s artsy and likes things she likes?

Not caring about other people’s dreams has been the butt of everyone’s jokes lately, but Zak is blissfully unaware as he tells Des a really long, weird, and involved dream he had about her the night before. You can see the confusion written on her pretty little face. Then Zak leaves her by a gazebo and returns in…a sno-cone truck? That is a part of his life? Am I missing something? Is the fluid for which he is a drilling engineer high fructose corn syrup? It’s the “family sno-cone business”, so I guess that’s a thing.

The sno-cone truck whisks them away to an elementary school where they are schilling out sno-cones to screaming children. The mob pounds their sticky little hands on the truck and hug Zak as he runs out in a giant penguin suit. The two basically treat this as a test for how the other would be as a parent because neither is running away screaming from the throngs of children. I hate this. Come on, bro. This joi de vivre can only go so far and ONE SKETCHBOOK does not a serious person make.

“This is where I get my lunacy from, and I just hope they don’t scare Desiree off,” Zak confides to camera. As soon as they walk in the house, the family explodes to say hello. His family is completely flabbergasted as Zak tells them about his limo entrance. They also have a kind of forced joy that is exhausting. If you told me any of them had sincerely been circus performers at one point in life, I would believe you.

Desiree has the talks with the family and one by one wins them over. Mom Maryann is convinced they’re meant to be. Sister is guarded though because she doesn’t want him to get hurt. Oh sister, prepare yourself for the worst. Zak and his mom talk about how long he’s been waiting for a worthwhile love, and the whole time I’m just cringing because I am 99% sure, sparing any real fights or showdowns, that Zak is not getting a rose tonight.

Oh good now the real horror show is beginning because Zak and his brother and sister will now sing the song Zak wrote in Atlantic City only now “the words have been changed to reflect how my family feels about you.” Three part harmony, two parts the sister is treating this like an audition, one part his brother actually seems pretty chill and has a great voice. Oh my god let me die: “Oh Desiree, now we can see/ Your place among our family!”

The time has officially come for Zak to finally tell Desiree that he is in love with her. He takes out a box that he’s been carrying around since he bought it in Atlantic City, warns her not to freak out, and shows her this cheap little chachki ring. It symbolizes his love and commitment for her. She maintains a calm face as they kiss.

Oh poor Zak. Poor, poor Zak. He tells us, “Needless to say, five years down the road, Des and I will still be together and we’ll look back on today as the perfect day.” Oh no, oh sweetie. He says more and more stuff of that ilk and I’m more and more sad for his impending broken heart.

Now we’re headed to Scottsdale, Arizona to meet Drew’s family. The first thing Drew and Des do is hug and kiss a bunch which again is a kiss of death for Zak since he and Des barely kissed. Let’s leave Zak out of this though. Drew is too cute.

We’ll be meeting Drew’s dad Mal, his mom Linda and his step-dad Bob, brother Mal, sister Angela, sister Meghan and her husband and their two kids. That’s…a lot. Drew also tells Desiree that this is the first time his Dad is going to his mom’s house. Yikes.

We also have to go pick up his sister Melissa, the one with a dependent mental handicap. She lives in a house with two other girls in a similar situation and a few full-time care takers. That is amazing. I really appreciate that up until this point, we hadn’t heard much about Melissa from Drew. He wasn’t exploiting her as a way to get screen time/close to Des. I mean she’s here now, but that seems like more a genuine “I want you to meet everyone in my family and she’s an important part of that” thing. The smile on Drew’s face as he greets his sister and looks at her is blinding. Ugh. So adorable.

Eleven. Eleven is the total number of people at this family gathering. I guess they are all important, but still, talk about overwhelming. They put over four bottles of wine on the table though, so I like this family already.

Drew’s mom is protective of her baby of the family, but the way Drew talks about her to his mom convinces her (and me SHEESH). Then Drew’s Dad tells Desiree that angels are real because Melissa is a real life angel and THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. He is so cute. His mom is teary eyed at his conviction when he says “I could get down on one knee for her.” His dad is very sincere, a little intense, but sweet. He gives Drew his blessing by saying, “If you want to marry this girl, I’ll throw you a party.”

This was the picture of what a great hometown date should be. “I want to join Drew’s family right now. I want to stay,” says Desiree. Now Drew just has to tell her that he loves her after telling his whole family. He doesn’t but any ribbons or bows on it, he just says it, says, “I love you. I just do.” AHGGGHALKDFJALSJDFOAWERAWOEDFALSJDLKFAJSDFJ NOW IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE I FEEL THINGS

Ok. Composure regained, let us journey onward to McMinnville, Oregon for Chris’s hometown. I just love that Chris is from Oregon. He’s pretty freaking cute all excited to introduce his family.

Apparently Chris played professional baseball? I thought maybe it was just a college thing. And now I can’t remember for the life of me what it says as his occupation in his little bio thing that flashes across the screen. Huh. Anyways, they’re going to play a little baseball at the park where he first played little league. ADORABLE.

I mean, again, making me feel feelings. The date they have just playing baseball in a park is the best date on the season this far – no helicopters, no private concert, no hot tugs, just two people being cute, having fun.

Desiree brought some drawings of their relationship instead of poetry corner. The drawings are less diarrhea-inducing embarrassing, so it’s nice. She is actually pretty nervous to meet his family because she wants them to like her so much. Chris reassures her that she has nothing to worry about.

His house is very rustic, almost a log cabin, very Oregon and woodsy. Chris has a younger sister, an older sister and an older brother. Dad is very quiet and weird; he’s a chiropractor in Oregon, so you can imagine. Dad decides to realign Desiree’s spine, and she’s very uncomfortable with all the shop-talk and not talking about Chris. Also all the touching. Lots of touching.

So now Chris has come downstairs to his father’s office to talk about Des while getting his head realigned via his nostrils. There’s some balloon-like, phallic shaped thing his dad is sticking up his nose while they both calmly discuss how much Chris is in love with Desiree. AMAZING STUFF. This bizarre turn makes me like Chris way more that his family is nuts.

His mother is so soft spoken and just lovely. She’s very protective and worried about her son’s happiness. Apparently none of Chris’ family liked his last girlfriend, and now he’s worried about them liking Des. The producers are playing creepy spiritual “new-age” music over the conversation with Des and his mom.

Chris was nervous about how long his mom and her talked, but no worries guys, she gives him her blessing. They both like how independent, strong, and confident she is. Mom tears up giving a toast. I love this family, and I really love their house. I can’t stop imagining it in the fall. I would like to be part of that family, Des should too.

The final stop on our tour is Salt Lake City, Utah for the hometown date with surprise Mormon Brooks! Desiree is head over heels for Brooks and very open about it. Brooks, however, is less sure and is trying to figure it out here with his family. He tells her though that he’s having a hard time with the “process” of not seeing her for long periods of time and her dating other guys.

She has a whole list of things that she loves about their relationship thus far. It’s sappy but sweet and he adds some moments of his own. It was good for him to hear those things and for him to hear that she feels so strongly about him. As the date goes on, he becomes more and more comfortable and happier and happier with her. They go canoeing in a lake and it’s very romantic until he tries to kiss her and tips the canoe a little bit. “We took on water!” Brooks yells to the producers in the other canoe. Oh, Brooks, so droll.

Brooks has a huge Mormon family that jumps up and gives her a group hug when Desiree walks in. There are so many of them that they made nametags for siblings and significant others. Des knows how important it is to reassure Brooks here with his family so he can feel comfortable letting his feelings bloom.

A couple key family members pull Brooks aside as Des talks with his mom about their love and feelings. His gorgeous sister gives some very sound advice. This whole family is just beautiful. Like, the cardigan he’s wearing is this gorgeous knit, textured shawl collared thing, and I’m obsessed with it. He’s putting a lot of stake in the approval of his mom. But don’t worry, Mom approves in a diplomatic sort of way.

“Tonight was a big night. I feel closer to seeing Desiree and I in the union of marriage than ever before,” beams Brooks. I’m worried though because Brooks is the only guy who hasn’t said “I love you” to Desiree yet, and he’s the only guy that she has said that she’s in love with. Oh, it is much ado!

The only thing left in this episode is to deal with Desiree’s nightmare of an ex-con brother Nate. Desiree is using this meeting as an opportunity to gauge how her brother might react if she allows him to meet the final two guys. We find out right away that they haven’t seen each other since her hometown date, and that she didn’t speak to him for a few months after. She glares at him and he just laughs. It is a tense sibling relationship.

He’s so combative about everything Desiree says to him. She tells Nate about each guy and why she likes him. He patiently listens and tells her he’d love to meet them. She basically says “no way” to him meeting these guys. If the previews have anything to say about it, this won’t be the last we see of him tonight.

Rather than a fireside chat at the mansion, we sit down with Chrarrison at the Beverly Hilton to discuss love and the families. Desiree talks about how she can feel the love from Brooks even though he hasn’t said the words to her. She talks about how Chris had a bit of a rough hometown date. She talks about how hard it’s going to be to say good-bye to someone because she knows that no one sees a good-bye coming.

As she voices over her decision making process, we see each man enter the hotel in his snazzy best. And just as Des says that there’s nothing standing in her way to finding happiness with one man for the rest of her life, we see little Nate peeking out from behind a corner. That it though. Nothing else. What a let down.

The rose ceremony is on the rooftop of the hotel in a lovely setting with the traditional Bachelorette blue and purple lighting. Desiree cries as she tells the guys how hard it will be to say good-bye after meeting everyone’s lovely family.

Surprise, surprise Brooks is the first name called. Then it’s my dawg Chris. Leaving Drew and Zak. I think we can all make an educated guess as to whose name she’ll call. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd it’s Drew. Duh.

I still feel bad for Zak though. It’s always hard to leave right after introducing someone to your family. His crazy eyes are at their craziest. Desiree cries as she wishes him the very best in the world, and he is the quietest he’s ever been. She gives back that heinous promise ring. Oh this is grim. You’re ok, boo boo. Everyone’s got love coming their way; yours just isn’t Desiree. He goes so far as to throw the ring out of the limo.

That’s all she wrote, folks. Next week is the Men Tell All special where there would normally just be the final three dates. There was a good share of drama this season, so I’m looking forward to it. I have to wonder though, with the previews they’ve shown us, is there an underlying reason to bumping up the date of the Men Tell All? Could something be awry? Time will tell. Until next Wednesday, catch up with me @chasspod. See you then, journeyers.

Henley Monday -

Your brain probably needs a refreshing palate cleanser after the horrific catastrophe of an Emmys that happened last night. I don't know what went so terribly wrong, but wrong it went. There were upsets good (Tony Hale!) and upsets bad (Jeff Daniels??????) and all around weird moments (Carrie Underwood singing "Yesterday" by the Beatles in memoriam of the TELEVISION COVERAGE of the JFK assassination).

All this is to say that today more than ever we need to just look at the newly single Liam Hemsworth looking strong yet vulnerable in a crisp, white henley. Breathe serenity in....exhale Emmys post-traumatic stress out...

Henley Monday - I don't know you guys, maybe it's the chili I made our maybe it's the Winter Olympics in full swing, but this Monday was not so bad. I think it's definitely the Olympics. They lift me up and inspire me and also there are so many beautiful v international make athletes. It's truly a gift in the middle of this more than harsh winter. In any case, here is Richard Armitage looking fine so fine. Be bad with your British self, Richard! MMM MHMM!