The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

It's hometowns, y'all! In what always promises to be, and frequently delivers, a very full episode of shenanigans, drama and love. Des is also defying all laws of logic and reason and bringing back her brother to talk about the guys.

Before we get to that circus, let's start with a real freak show: Zak and his family in Dallas, Texas. Des seems to be as shocked as we are about Zak making it far enough to meet his family. He warns us that if we think he's crazy (we do), his family is really crazy (oh God). Zak and Des have the first part of their day in a pretty park. He really won't let the sketching/art thing go, so he's once again toting a sketch book to show he’s artsy and likes things she likes?

Not caring about other people’s dreams has been the butt of everyone’s jokes lately, but Zak is blissfully unaware as he tells Des a really long, weird, and involved dream he had about her the night before. You can see the confusion written on her pretty little face. Then Zak leaves her by a gazebo and returns in…a sno-cone truck? That is a part of his life? Am I missing something? Is the fluid for which he is a drilling engineer high fructose corn syrup? It’s the “family sno-cone business”, so I guess that’s a thing.

The sno-cone truck whisks them away to an elementary school where they are schilling out sno-cones to screaming children. The mob pounds their sticky little hands on the truck and hug Zak as he runs out in a giant penguin suit. The two basically treat this as a test for how the other would be as a parent because neither is running away screaming from the throngs of children. I hate this. Come on, bro. This joi de vivre can only go so far and ONE SKETCHBOOK does not a serious person make.

“This is where I get my lunacy from, and I just hope they don’t scare Desiree off,” Zak confides to camera. As soon as they walk in the house, the family explodes to say hello. His family is completely flabbergasted as Zak tells them about his limo entrance. They also have a kind of forced joy that is exhausting. If you told me any of them had sincerely been circus performers at one point in life, I would believe you.

Desiree has the talks with the family and one by one wins them over. Mom Maryann is convinced they’re meant to be. Sister is guarded though because she doesn’t want him to get hurt. Oh sister, prepare yourself for the worst. Zak and his mom talk about how long he’s been waiting for a worthwhile love, and the whole time I’m just cringing because I am 99% sure, sparing any real fights or showdowns, that Zak is not getting a rose tonight.

Oh good now the real horror show is beginning because Zak and his brother and sister will now sing the song Zak wrote in Atlantic City only now “the words have been changed to reflect how my family feels about you.” Three part harmony, two parts the sister is treating this like an audition, one part his brother actually seems pretty chill and has a great voice. Oh my god let me die: “Oh Desiree, now we can see/ Your place among our family!”

The time has officially come for Zak to finally tell Desiree that he is in love with her. He takes out a box that he’s been carrying around since he bought it in Atlantic City, warns her not to freak out, and shows her this cheap little chachki ring. It symbolizes his love and commitment for her. She maintains a calm face as they kiss.

Oh poor Zak. Poor, poor Zak. He tells us, “Needless to say, five years down the road, Des and I will still be together and we’ll look back on today as the perfect day.” Oh no, oh sweetie. He says more and more stuff of that ilk and I’m more and more sad for his impending broken heart.

Now we’re headed to Scottsdale, Arizona to meet Drew’s family. The first thing Drew and Des do is hug and kiss a bunch which again is a kiss of death for Zak since he and Des barely kissed. Let’s leave Zak out of this though. Drew is too cute.

We’ll be meeting Drew’s dad Mal, his mom Linda and his step-dad Bob, brother Mal, sister Angela, sister Meghan and her husband and their two kids. That’s…a lot. Drew also tells Desiree that this is the first time his Dad is going to his mom’s house. Yikes.

We also have to go pick up his sister Melissa, the one with a dependent mental handicap. She lives in a house with two other girls in a similar situation and a few full-time care takers. That is amazing. I really appreciate that up until this point, we hadn’t heard much about Melissa from Drew. He wasn’t exploiting her as a way to get screen time/close to Des. I mean she’s here now, but that seems like more a genuine “I want you to meet everyone in my family and she’s an important part of that” thing. The smile on Drew’s face as he greets his sister and looks at her is blinding. Ugh. So adorable.

Eleven. Eleven is the total number of people at this family gathering. I guess they are all important, but still, talk about overwhelming. They put over four bottles of wine on the table though, so I like this family already.

Drew’s mom is protective of her baby of the family, but the way Drew talks about her to his mom convinces her (and me SHEESH). Then Drew’s Dad tells Desiree that angels are real because Melissa is a real life angel and THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. He is so cute. His mom is teary eyed at his conviction when he says “I could get down on one knee for her.” His dad is very sincere, a little intense, but sweet. He gives Drew his blessing by saying, “If you want to marry this girl, I’ll throw you a party.”

This was the picture of what a great hometown date should be. “I want to join Drew’s family right now. I want to stay,” says Desiree. Now Drew just has to tell her that he loves her after telling his whole family. He doesn’t but any ribbons or bows on it, he just says it, says, “I love you. I just do.” AHGGGHALKDFJALSJDFOAWERAWOEDFALSJDLKFAJSDFJ NOW IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE I FEEL THINGS

Ok. Composure regained, let us journey onward to McMinnville, Oregon for Chris’s hometown. I just love that Chris is from Oregon. He’s pretty freaking cute all excited to introduce his family.

Apparently Chris played professional baseball? I thought maybe it was just a college thing. And now I can’t remember for the life of me what it says as his occupation in his little bio thing that flashes across the screen. Huh. Anyways, they’re going to play a little baseball at the park where he first played little league. ADORABLE.

I mean, again, making me feel feelings. The date they have just playing baseball in a park is the best date on the season this far – no helicopters, no private concert, no hot tugs, just two people being cute, having fun.

Desiree brought some drawings of their relationship instead of poetry corner. The drawings are less diarrhea-inducing embarrassing, so it’s nice. She is actually pretty nervous to meet his family because she wants them to like her so much. Chris reassures her that she has nothing to worry about.

His house is very rustic, almost a log cabin, very Oregon and woodsy. Chris has a younger sister, an older sister and an older brother. Dad is very quiet and weird; he’s a chiropractor in Oregon, so you can imagine. Dad decides to realign Desiree’s spine, and she’s very uncomfortable with all the shop-talk and not talking about Chris. Also all the touching. Lots of touching.

So now Chris has come downstairs to his father’s office to talk about Des while getting his head realigned via his nostrils. There’s some balloon-like, phallic shaped thing his dad is sticking up his nose while they both calmly discuss how much Chris is in love with Desiree. AMAZING STUFF. This bizarre turn makes me like Chris way more that his family is nuts.

His mother is so soft spoken and just lovely. She’s very protective and worried about her son’s happiness. Apparently none of Chris’ family liked his last girlfriend, and now he’s worried about them liking Des. The producers are playing creepy spiritual “new-age” music over the conversation with Des and his mom.

Chris was nervous about how long his mom and her talked, but no worries guys, she gives him her blessing. They both like how independent, strong, and confident she is. Mom tears up giving a toast. I love this family, and I really love their house. I can’t stop imagining it in the fall. I would like to be part of that family, Des should too.

The final stop on our tour is Salt Lake City, Utah for the hometown date with surprise Mormon Brooks! Desiree is head over heels for Brooks and very open about it. Brooks, however, is less sure and is trying to figure it out here with his family. He tells her though that he’s having a hard time with the “process” of not seeing her for long periods of time and her dating other guys.

She has a whole list of things that she loves about their relationship thus far. It’s sappy but sweet and he adds some moments of his own. It was good for him to hear those things and for him to hear that she feels so strongly about him. As the date goes on, he becomes more and more comfortable and happier and happier with her. They go canoeing in a lake and it’s very romantic until he tries to kiss her and tips the canoe a little bit. “We took on water!” Brooks yells to the producers in the other canoe. Oh, Brooks, so droll.

Brooks has a huge Mormon family that jumps up and gives her a group hug when Desiree walks in. There are so many of them that they made nametags for siblings and significant others. Des knows how important it is to reassure Brooks here with his family so he can feel comfortable letting his feelings bloom.

A couple key family members pull Brooks aside as Des talks with his mom about their love and feelings. His gorgeous sister gives some very sound advice. This whole family is just beautiful. Like, the cardigan he’s wearing is this gorgeous knit, textured shawl collared thing, and I’m obsessed with it. He’s putting a lot of stake in the approval of his mom. But don’t worry, Mom approves in a diplomatic sort of way.

“Tonight was a big night. I feel closer to seeing Desiree and I in the union of marriage than ever before,” beams Brooks. I’m worried though because Brooks is the only guy who hasn’t said “I love you” to Desiree yet, and he’s the only guy that she has said that she’s in love with. Oh, it is much ado!

The only thing left in this episode is to deal with Desiree’s nightmare of an ex-con brother Nate. Desiree is using this meeting as an opportunity to gauge how her brother might react if she allows him to meet the final two guys. We find out right away that they haven’t seen each other since her hometown date, and that she didn’t speak to him for a few months after. She glares at him and he just laughs. It is a tense sibling relationship.

He’s so combative about everything Desiree says to him. She tells Nate about each guy and why she likes him. He patiently listens and tells her he’d love to meet them. She basically says “no way” to him meeting these guys. If the previews have anything to say about it, this won’t be the last we see of him tonight.

Rather than a fireside chat at the mansion, we sit down with Chrarrison at the Beverly Hilton to discuss love and the families. Desiree talks about how she can feel the love from Brooks even though he hasn’t said the words to her. She talks about how Chris had a bit of a rough hometown date. She talks about how hard it’s going to be to say good-bye to someone because she knows that no one sees a good-bye coming.

As she voices over her decision making process, we see each man enter the hotel in his snazzy best. And just as Des says that there’s nothing standing in her way to finding happiness with one man for the rest of her life, we see little Nate peeking out from behind a corner. That it though. Nothing else. What a let down.

The rose ceremony is on the rooftop of the hotel in a lovely setting with the traditional Bachelorette blue and purple lighting. Desiree cries as she tells the guys how hard it will be to say good-bye after meeting everyone’s lovely family.

Surprise, surprise Brooks is the first name called. Then it’s my dawg Chris. Leaving Drew and Zak. I think we can all make an educated guess as to whose name she’ll call. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd it’s Drew. Duh.

I still feel bad for Zak though. It’s always hard to leave right after introducing someone to your family. His crazy eyes are at their craziest. Desiree cries as she wishes him the very best in the world, and he is the quietest he’s ever been. She gives back that heinous promise ring. Oh this is grim. You’re ok, boo boo. Everyone’s got love coming their way; yours just isn’t Desiree. He goes so far as to throw the ring out of the limo.

That’s all she wrote, folks. Next week is the Men Tell All special where there would normally just be the final three dates. There was a good share of drama this season, so I’m looking forward to it. I have to wonder though, with the previews they’ve shown us, is there an underlying reason to bumping up the date of the Men Tell All? Could something be awry? Time will tell. Until next Wednesday, catch up with me @chasspod. See you then, journeyers.

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abc desiree the bachelorette chris harrison abc bachelorette bachelorette recap Hometown Dates desiree hartsock bachelorette episode 8

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

Hello again everyone. Back so soon for more Bachelorette good times? We are so close to finishing this thing I can taste it. I can also taste the Jewel brand chocolate chip cookies I am mainlining into my face-hole right now, but I can also dimly taste the sense of accomplishment of finishing this season. Let’s savor, shall we?

We are in the tropical island paradise of rich culture and generally impoverished people of the Dominican Republic. The producers give us that special, special time with Andi where instead of watching her walk around the resort thinking back on her relationships with the three remaining men, we watch Andi journal through her relationships with the three remaining men. Let’s boil down the whole segment: Andi likes Josh; Andi likes Chris; Andi likes Nick.

The one thing this whole video montage made me remember were all the amazing turtlenecks we saw this season. There were some really great turtlenecks, but I think that now, mercifully, we are spared from the wrath of sweaters evocative of the necks of turtles because of the Caribbean climate.

Andi is thrilled for her first one-on-one date this week with Nick. She is really excited to spend so much time with him. They hop right into a helicopter (yay!) to go see the gorgeous coast of the island of Hispaniola on which the Dominican Republic, along with Haiti, resides. So don’t say I never taught you anything.

They land on a private island with a private beach and private picnicking and snorkel gear! I want to snorkel there! Before they snorkel they make out in the water a lot. Then they sit on the beach and have a very important discussion on how Nick really felt after his bad break ups. He fumbles over his words to tell Andi how he really feels which is that he loves her. He rambles and bumbles and stops and starts. My roommate makes a very good point that Nick’s emotions for Andi are obviously real because there’s no way he’d be so dorky and fumbling over the right words if he was a player. He’d have it all scripted out. Good point, Casey.

After that awkward conversation, they snorkel! And make out. Mostly making out under the guise of snorkeling.

They get back to the main island for a moonlit dinner on the beach. And some boring stuff happens but then the BEST THING HAPPENS. In the grand tradition of the guys doing weird shit to show their love, Nick has written AND ILLUSTRATED a fairytale about him and Andi’s love. WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED A FAIRYTALE. YOU GUYS.

He even went to the trouble of distressing the edges of the illustrations before pasting them with a glue stick onto the pages of a red leather bound book onto which he had also pasted the typed out words of the story. It looks long as hell too. Andi is of course the best sport and may even genuinely be really touched by this weird, weird, weird gesture.

Andi then presents him with the Fantasy Suite card and he rambles along before finally saying that he’s trying to say yes. Nick tries one last time to express his full emotions by pulling Andi aside to talk to her by a palm tree. He then enumerates all the things he likes about her and tells her that he loves her. “You know, you’re it for me. And it’s terrifying. But when you know, you know,” he says. There you go Nick! That’s all you needed to say. Andi is of course contractually obligated not to say I love you back, but she kisses the shit out of him. They go into the fantasy suite and that’s that. They presumably bone their little brains out.

Now it’s time for Josh’s day of fun with Andi! They are in the capital city of Santo Domingo which is inland and therefore five million degrees hotter than the coast. They explore the city and try different foods and drinks. And surprise! Josh speaks Spanish! As a fellow hispanohablante, this makes me like him just a smidgeon more. They dance in the square together and make the most out of both being bad dancers.

Then Josh endears himself to me even more by speaking Spanish to a bunch of little kids that they play baseball with. That’s really sweet and a cool activity. As long as they weren’t actually disrupting a game that these kids were playing. Eh. Let’s pretend they didn’t!

After the game they have a talk on a park bench and Josh tells Andi that he loves her. Andi is thrilled and they kiss a lot. Josh even calls out the fact that he knows Andi can’t say anything back. Interesting. And a bold move for Josh to put himself out there and “put his guard down” with Andi.

Dinner is at a beautiful resort where the both of them sweat buckets. I can’t really focus on the discussion for all the sweat pouring out of their faces. They talk about how they would be as parents and what they want out of the relationship and the future. So after much talking AND NO EATING. NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. NO, NO, NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. You can’t go to the fantasy suite on an empty stomach! The thing that kills me is that the napkins are still in the napkin rings. The food hasn’t even been pushed around to give the appearance of having been eaten. When do these people eat???

They go to walk to the fantasy suite and watch a fireworks show. Then go into a seriously plush ass fantasy suite. It’s the size of a small mansion. They are excited to just be together and “have more time to spend together”. Why this show tries so hard to be coy about what happens inside those fantasy suites is beyond me, but they just are.

Andi and Chris meet in the middle of the countryside of Rancho Peligro (Danger Ranch!). She is wearing this caftan-like top that would be a real cute beach cover-up but not a skirt/dress like she’s wearing. And in these tiny little short-shorts Andi is going horseback riding. NO thanks. No thank you. Farmer Chris is excited and feeling confident. Andi is nervous, very, very frightfully nervous. And she should be because wearing shorty-shorts on horseback in 10000 degree heat would be hell on earth.

Chris is being so supportive and patient with Andi as she panics on her horse. She is not good at riding that horse. It’s hard to be that bad at sitting on a horse. They stop at an obliging tree for a little picnic. Chris is so sweet. Andi takes the time to tell him how much she loved his whole family. They do more generally sweet stuff and even play hide and seek which they call ghost in the graveyard, but we all know that ghost in the graveyard is only for when it’s dark out. So there.

The two change out of horse-riding mode and settle down to have a poolside chat. They talk more about “the Iowa thing”. Chris tries to tell her that he knows how hard it would be for her to make the transition to Iowa life, but that it’s not beyond her grasp to be successful there. Andi makes some good points that it’s hard to take a gamble on moving to Iowa and putting all this faith in a decision they don’t know will work out.

Then she picks up the fantasy suite card and says that making the decision to give that card with so many unknowns with Chris is going to be hard. And he pauses and says, “I don’t know where you want me to…what you want me to do at this point.” She starts to get pretty emotional as they continue the discussion. Chris takes the opportunity to once again tell her that he’s in love with her.

“I could sit here and blame it on Iowa and take the easy way out…but part of it is because I don’t see the foundation is there with us,” she tearfully says to him. Oh, Chris. Oh poor Chris. To tell a woman you love her and for her to say she’s not on the same page on NATIONAL TELEVISION has got to be a bitter pill to swallow. She continues to explain everything to him very sadly that she just is not in love with him like he is in love with her.

Chris, like the true gentleman and man that he is, is so gracious and respectful to her. You can see in the slump of his shoulders how crushed he is. He is absolutely crestfallen, and it is so hard to watch. Andi even says that “on paper” he has everything that a woman could ever want, but “my heart and my head don’t match up”.

And then they get up to say their final good-bye, and you guys, I’m not kidding, I lose it. I lose it and cry a little because Chris COULD NOT BE A NICER PERSON. He tells her what an amazing woman she is even as she denies it. She apologizes again and he says, “Don’t be sorry. You can’t control your feelings. I want you to feel all the things I feel for you, but if you don’t, then let me go home.” She tells him how grateful she is to know him and that he was there for this whole experience, and they hug goodbye. This show made me cry you guys. What is happening?

IT’S JUST TESTAMENT TO WHAT A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING CHRIS IS. I NOW HAVE ZERO DOUBT THAT HE WILL BE OUR NEXT BACHELOR BECAUSE HOW COULD HE NOT BE AFTER THIS????

For the ruse of the Rose Ceremony, Andi is wearing a guava pink chiffon sack. It’s beautiful to be sure but a sack nonetheless. She sits down with Chrarrison to debrief the whole week from her breakup with Chris the night before to both men telling her that they are in love. Andi weighs the positives and negatives of both guys to help us fill the time that would’ve been occupied by a rose ceremony.

But they decide to still go through a rose ceremony because the men still need to accept a rose to say that they are still 100% in this. And after they have accepted that rose, to say that could see getting down on one knee after meeting Andi’s family.

The boys are both trotted out to a small dais on the edge of the sea. When Chrarrison comes down to greet them, he tells them that Chris is no longer there much to their surprise. But this is now the third season in a row where there have only been two contestants left at the rose ceremony after the fantasy suite dates. In Desiree’s season Brooks went home early, last season Andi dumped Juan Pablo, and now Chris was let go before the fantasy suite.

With little ado, the roses are given out to Nick and Josh respectively. They are all smiling and so happy to be almost at an end. Josh is sweating through his navy blue shirt and light gray pants so hard.

Josh says he can already picture her being called Andi Murray because that “has a nice ring to it.” Darn tootin’ it does because that’s already the name of a famous tennis player. A really famous tennis player. So that might be why you can already hear that name clanging around your head.

THAT’S IT GUYS! WE JUST HAVE THE MEN TELL ALL LEFT AND THEN THE FINALE WILL BE NIGH UPON US! WE’RE SO CLOSE! THAT TASTE IS SO STRONG IN MY MOUTH!!!!! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD FOR MORE FUN TIMES AND ALSO FOLLOW HERE ON TUMBLR FOR OTHER JUICY GOSSIP AND ME YELLING IN ALL CAPS ABOUT THINGS I LIKE! BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!

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tv abc the bachelorette chris harrison tv recaps Fantasy Suites farmer chris andi dorfman abc bachelorette bachelorette episode 9 recap bachelorette recap the bachelorette week 9

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popculturepolarbear

11 years ago

Henley Monday -

Greetings from deep within the Polar Vortex blanketing half of the continental United States! It might be a windchill of -42 degrees outside, but it is caliente aqui a dentro... Wait... help me, I can't stop speaking random palabras of Spanish. I blame you, JUAN PABLO!!!!!

Yes, that's right. The Bachelor is back as of tonight starring the center of what has been, to my memory, the most incredible and fervent publicity build up for a Bachelor ever. ABC knows they have an Ace here with our favorite former pro-soccer player and single dad Juan Pablo. I know I'll be tuning in tonight with a mug of mulled wine and about thirty blankets. Join me won't you?

And for new and old followers alike, this also means the return of recaps every Wednesday! See you then, y'all! BESOS Y ABRAZOS!

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abc the bachelor polar vortex abc bachelor chris harrison Henley Monday juan pablo juan pablo galavis

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popculturepolarbear

12 years ago

BREAKING: SPECIAL EARLY-EDITION OF HENLEY MONDAY DUE TO EARTH-SHATTERING AWESOMENESS OF CONTENT

You. Guys. I can't even. I CAN'T. I JUST CAN'T EVEN SO LET'S DO BULLET POINTS UNTIL I CAN MAKE REAL SENTENCES:

Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, JC Chasez, and that black guy singing a classic 90s R&B slow jam

Mickey Mouse Club and Disney Channel allowing this to air

the pelvic thrust/hip gyration dance moves that are the only choreographed thing about this

Itty-bitty Britney Spears coming out at the end and saying "y'all" to us

The Gos is the weakest singer of the group but ASK ME IF I CARE

Wardrobe. Wardrobe gets an A++ for everthing, particularly for dressing them in clothing 6 to 8 times larger than their bodies and the beige, taupe, & cream color scheme

WARDROBE. FOR PUTTING A HENLEY ON RYAN. EFFING. GOSLING -PATRON SAINT OF HENLEYS (MAY HE EVER BE BLESSED AND HIS PECS ALWAYS BE STRONG)

We have video evidence of what is perhaps the genesis of Ryan Gosling's 20+ year love affair with what he has always known to be the single greatest piece of casual menswear ever stitched into existence.

#BLESSED

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