"i Don't Comment On Ao3 Because I Don't Wanna Be Annoying Or Weird" Skill Issue + You Greatly Underestimate

Fact:

The MCU!Bucky we know and love dearly is based off of a gay Jewish character Arnie Roth (Earth 616). The MCU has a duty to properly & respectfully include & represent these parts of his identity.

They say their company loves the LGBT+ community yet its been 10 years since Bucky, who is one of their most popular characters, was introduced to the MCU (and far more years w/o any rep at all) yet they still refuse to confirm that he’s gay (or Jewish) nor have they ever admitted to taking Arnie’s backstory (this even includes the “ladies man” persona which was nothing more than a cover, he was never actually attracted to those women) & personality and giving it to Bucky.

Ok so. "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" Was fucking heartbreaking, right; we have the full-on uninterrupted eye contact, the head tilt, Dean's already open mouth twitching before the scene cuts to Cas' "I love you," like he had more to say, but Cas beats him to the punch. It's great, we love that. But for the dialogue to be sequenced that way, and to have Dean reply with, "don't do this, Cas."

I'm only just realizing how fucking insane it was. And sure, I might just be coping here, at the end of the day who fucking knows, but look at it. Think about it. Now let yourself feel it all over again.

It's Dean's death knocking on the door behind Cas, and it's Cas' death emerging behind Dean. Like this, they're directly facing their own demise—but they're too stuck on each other, in their moment, to give a damn. And then Dean doesn't say, "I love you too." He says, "don't do this."

He isn't disgusted or ashamed or put off in the slightest by Cas' confession, because if he is then why is he on the verge of tears? In what world would it make sense for him to want to cry after his best friend confessed to him, if the confession was something he did not want. He says don't do this here, don't do this to me now.

Even if, and that's the most unlikely if to ever exist, Dean did not reciprocate Cas' feelings—don't do this is still so fucking powerful. Because Dean's connected the dots, happiness [...] is in just saying it, and Cas said it, so where does that lead Dean? That's right, with Cas dead again, trying to save him again.

Don't do this. Don't die for me, don't love me only to die for me, don't love me at all, just stay with me.

Don't let me watch you die again and not even let me follow you—because, at the very least, that was a consolation. She's gonna kill you, which Dean knows that Billie knows will hurt him more than his own death, and then she's gonna kill me.

"Don't do this," was actually so fucking powerful, I don't know how it slipped past me until now...

Rely On Time

Wherein I'm a whore for Jewish Bucky Barnes and love writing things inspired by religions and myths.

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2023

Bucky had never truly felt alone in the world.

Of course, as the Winter Soldier, he hadn't had much of a consciousness to even consider that idea. Even when he was in Azzano, he had his men. Strapped to Zola's table in experimentation, the idea of being alone hadn't mattered so much, knowing he would be dead. Before the war, he had Steve.

Steve.

Fastened to his side, Steve had always been there. It had been a month, and he still couldn't believe it. That he would leave so easily, after all they had gone through. But that was just it, wasn't it? Steve had time taken away from him, had his freedom stripped under the stripes of that shield in an attempt to fight for the freedoms of others. Of course he would choose to go back for a second chance.

Bucky didn't have that option.

Eve was her own being, her own thoughts. Though fashioned from Adam's rib, she was not him. Her own desire lived within her and the snake knew it. But why is that a sin? The pursuit of Knowledge in the name of growth, even at the risk of disobeying God? Could it have been what He intended all along? He planted the Tree, he created the snake, he fashioned humanity knowing they would question it all - all for humankind to learn and grow, to plant their roots alongside the Tree.

He wondered, sometimes, what he was. Was he a collection of thoughts? Are people only the recollections of times past? He walked as living proof of not only a time that no longer was, but the strength of a people who lived despite all odds.

Despite all odds.

Was that all it was? Random chance? Did he ever fight anything? No choice but to accept the draft. Too sick to fight Zola back, barely lucid enough to keep himself from biting off his tongue. The chair, the abuse, was that all some twisted fate that he had to live through because it was meant to happen? Did all that happen so he could be where he was now, laying on cold hardwood floor because he was falling through his bed?

Could he rely on time, when it was ripped from him?

He sometimes thought about what his life could've ended up like, if he hadn't gone to war. He thought, at one point, that he would get married. As Adam and Eve wed under the Tree, he could stand under the chuppah in their image surrounded by love and life and foliage. Sometimes he thought about what it could be now, if things somehow got better. If he could sleep in his bed without drowning. If he could look a man in the eye and not see his ancestors instead.

Could he be a shadow?

Something that varies, melding and changing. If he was made of memories, what would happen if he forgot again? Hands of Esau but Voice of Jacob. Was he now building to the divine Israel? Making up for his wrongs, turning to virtue.

Was it worth it? Trying?

At this point, what could be good? What all could he love? Everything was a mess. He wandered.

Maybe he was meant to be lost. He could choose to believe he was worthless, aimless without his other half. Or he could make his own choices; eat the apple like Eve, take the virtue like Israel, and trust that someday, everything that happened to him would make sense.

And that one day, he could trust that he wouldn't ever be alone again.

chapter 3/8 now available on AO3 <3

→ marvel (mcu/comic), avengers (2012)

→ bucky x steve

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ canon-typical violence

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Bucky’s mind swelled with panic at the implication - Peggy, Monty - people he loved were dead all at once - but he had to take it in stride. He had to. There was no purpose to dwell on it. If he thought about it all too hard, he wouldn't be able to get through it.

What happened, happened.

He'd process it later. He had to accept it.

“Captain Rogers woke up about an hour and a half ago.” Agent Barton shared. If he noticed Bucky's barely buried alarm, he didn't say. “Director Fury handled him. He broke out and ran into Times Square.”

“Sounds like him,” he said, monotone.

“He's in a conference room. Fury's asked me to bring you once you're ready, so he can speak to you both.”

That made him come to mostly full attention. “He's not detained?”

Clint's head cocked to the side. “Neither of you are detained, Sergeant.”

Bucky opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. They didn't know? How could they not know?

chapter 6/8 now available on A03

→ marvel (mcu/comic), post-avengers 2012

→ bucky x steve

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ canon-typical violence, bucky makes friends in the 21st century

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At first he felt like he was back in Basic; running miles every day on the beach, using new muscles to manage the unsteady terrain; getting knocked on his ass by Agent Barton with hand-to-hand, which Sergeant Barnes - plucked straight out of World War II - had a minimal understanding of beyond his boxing history. Tony was more than eager to get in the ring with Bucky - a literal ring, Bucky had found out once Tony showed him the at home gym - wearing boxing gloves overtop their wrapped knuckles.

When he couldn't sleep and needed to move, he found himself back in the gym. He was training nearly every day every week, but he couldn't put more than average strength on anyone unless Tony was in his suit. And unfortunately, after Tony's metal leg went straight through the ceiling, Bucky was grounded while the ceiling was knocked out and the bedroom above the gym was erased from existence. But at night? He could hammer the punching bags until they split and he was drenched in sweat, gasping for breath.

chapter 7/8 now available on Ao3

→ marvel (mcu/comic), iron man 3

→ bucky x steve

→ flawed super soldier serum, dark!steve rogers, mcu compliant with comic influences

→ gore, canon-typical violence, iron man 3 plot

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“I’ve never fought a super soldier.” Killian grinned. “This’ll be -”

Bucky uppercut him hard enough to snap his neck. Stepping back from the crumbled body that was now glowing even more, he called out, “Potts, we gotta go!”

Pepper ran out of the open doorway, taking Bucky’s outstretched hand. “Where?” she gasped partway down the hallway.

“First thing’s first,” he ordered, “get to the car!”

What isn't there to love about the idea of MCU Bucky becoming Captain America?

It's the right thing to do, isn't it? He was the one who watched him fall. (He tried to catch him but he only caught his tags. The bitter cold tore him away in the blink of an eye, with a scream that Bucky hears when he tries to sleep.) Steve was the best of them both, and if he thought this cause was one to die for, then Bucky would finish it. He's followed him this far, hasn't he? Long enough for the bruises Zola gave him to fade, but not enough that hearing his voice in that train wouldn't make him freeze. (What if he finds him? What if he go back there, strapped down, poked and prodded and injected with God knows what -)

But besides that?

There's nothing.

He's known Steve almost his entire life. He barely remembers a time where there wasn't Steve. He once had him to himself, only he saw the goodness in him, he loved him first, but now he shared it with the world. Because of some holy serum; but the bastardized version of the same thing ran in his own veins, and Bucky knew deep down that he would never be Steve. He could try, but he could never be him to the world.

So why wouldn't he crash that plane?

He never wanted to be a weapon. But he wakes up, and it's asked of him again. Be a soldier. Be an officer. Be Captain America. His gun was an extension of himself, the shield of Steve, and he would never, ever drop either of them. (Not again. He dreamt of it, that scream still scratched into his brain no matter how much time had actually passed, seventy years or seven days.)

And then, one day, beyond his wildest dreams, he'd see him again. But this? This hollow ghost? This isn't the Steve he knows and loves. But he slips from his fingers again,

And on that helicarrier, the glass cracks beneath his feet, bullet wounds and serrated skin and black bruises, but he still has it in him - he catches him. Metal fingers that were foreign to him, but still, Steve.

Never again. Never without him.

Banish the idea that all antisemites look like Nazis.

Antisemitism is pervasive in every culture and people aware of Jewish people's existence.

Yes, some antisemites look like white European neo-Nazis, but...

A lot of antisemites look like an atheist influencer who mocks Judaism as a "gotcha" to Christianity.

A lot of antisemites look like a lady at Church who talks about how much she "loves Jews" because "Jesus was Jewish."

A lot of antisemites look like a political commentator talking about the "globalists" and the "secret cabal controlling the government and Hollywood."

A lot of antisemites look like your gay friend who says he can't be antisemitic because he's gay and "the Nazis killed gay people too."

A lot of antisemites look like social justice advocates who will advocate for every marginalized community but will stay silent as soon as they are confronted with the antisemitism in their own circles.

A lot of antisemites look like fandom bloggers who think it's funny and original to call Jewish features "feral" or "sleepy" or "sneaky" or "rat-like" or "creepy".

People who want to deny their own antisemitism will push the idea that only Nazis are antisemites.

chapter 1/4 now available on A03

→ supernatural (tv 2005), pre-series

→ exploration of dean's bisexuality and trauma, over time

the list of canon/actor’s theories/accidentally canon plotlines this mini fic touches on:

→ Jensen’s thought that at some point when John didn't leave his sons enough money, Dean would reach a level of desperation that forces him to sell himself.

→ The theory that John taught Dean how to dig himself out of a grave, due to how he was able to in Lazarus Rising (04x01)

→ The passage in John Winchester's published journal, detailing Dean's first solo case for two dead homosexual nuns and how it didn't go very well.

→ The alternate plotline that was almost canon, where John Winchester went missing because Dean had killed him.

→ When John got too pissed off at Dean, he'd send him away on hunts (14x12)

→ In early seasons, Jensen acted for Dean to sing badly. But in season 15, he sings well with Lee. Backstory? I think yes.

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The double doors slammed open behind them, startling both boys. Dean whirled around in his seat to find Dad marching through, an angry look on his face. He was still scratched up from the recent hunt he'd done, claw marks scraped over his forehead, through his beard. He still hasn't shaved it, but Dean wanted him to. It was getting hard for him to look at. He never liked seeing his dad injured from a hunt, or injuring himself.

Six years, they had done this. Living on the road. Brief stays at Uncle Bobby’s. Living on diner food, vending machines, stolen credit cards; living in motel rooms, no home to their name.

Dean straightened up in the wooden chair. “Are we heading out?” he asked.

“You’re staying here.” Dad scooped up a duffel bag and was gone, the screen door rattling in the frame as he threw it shut behind him.

steve not taking care of himself in ways that are basically self harm but no one knows because of his healing factor

he'll ignore wounds on purpose and that would get most people infected, but he heals faster than the baseline human and is immune to disease so no one bats an eye when he skips medical again

he drinks enough high proof liquor to give the baseline human alcohol poisoning ten times over but no one thinks he has a drinking problem because they think he can't get drunk, but it's not that he can't get drunk, his body just processes alcohol more efficiently

he's in the gym too much but everyone brushes it off because of course cap is a gym rat, he's an avenger so of course he has to train, he has to keep up with the job somehow, no he's not over-exerting himself, he'll be fine, he's a supersoldier.