I WANNA BASH MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL

listening to i’m your man by leonard cohen and i want to be punished by them.. i feel like such a pervert wanting to be hurt during intimacy..

im not sure what’s wrong with me. like i was telling them that i don’t care that they talk to other people.. i dont know why im feeling this all encompassing need to be needed by them or by anyone and i feel like this is gonna ruin me in the future. but like i dont think my need to be hurt is really bad at least i hope not.

i was watching edits of secretary and like in the ideal world i find someone like mr grey, someone who can appreciate the erotic elements of butchfemme as well as respect and wouldn’t make me feel bad about the way i approach sex. because i can see my desperate nature in lee but the way mr grey is so disgusted by himself is ME.

it’s awesome how we have unlimited chances to become a better version of ourselves

diary of an aging girl #1

I grew up with this overwhelming shadow of discreetness, I stayed still in the uncomfortable seats of my school waiting for my peers to turn and acknowledge me.

In being discreet and timid, my need to feel more than a child, more than a girl hoping for a better future came to fruition. I think about it now and how desperate of a fourteen year old I was, desperate to be understood and taken care of. To talk with someone who understood my feelings more than I did, who had already surpassed the years of longing and had become their own person.

What transpired until I became an adult was something sinister and addictive. I can read back through my old journals and see this girl who knew what she wanted even in the haze of desperation, even when she knew it was wrong.

But I can remember the intricate ways in which these men who were aware of my age understood this brutal need and took my desperation as a total yes into corrupting something that should have been mine for many years to come. It had happened too fast and for too long, when my mind was trying to come to terms with an identity brewing.

I like to think I have put past those memories, especially after coming out as a lesbian. I still have this need to be wanted and it distorts with my hypersexual tendencies. It’s not a good thing and framing my younger self as desperate is not ideal since I’m sure at the time it was just a need to feel desired.

-doaag xx

Dream Machine (Short) | Brett Vapnek | 2001

Mary Timony

thinking about how i never truly felt like myself or experienced desire until i truly learned what butch and femme meant, it opened up a whole world to me that i had seen but never known, i hold so much gratitude for older butch and femmes but also for the butches, studs, stemmes, and femmes i’ve seen now, who are actively educating younger folks like myself, im so grateful to be able to learn about these identities and realize that, i too, belong

pussy from a girl with a questionable online presence

taylor russell in bones and all (2022) dir. luca guadagnino

watching coming of age movies to reinstall my love for living