Lunch At A Viet Café With My Friend Ellaine! It Was Our First Time Meeting In Person, But We Talked

Omg yes it was!! Thank you for the latte silly ♡♡ it was sweet, like you!! (⁠´⁠ε⁠｀⁠ ⁠)

Yeah, I've been pretty busy — have a chemistry exam in about ten hours tonight, so hoping for the best on that one ... But once I'm through with it, there's only one more exam to go!!!

I'm so proud of you Pico, sorry I haven't been online lately but I just checked your blog today and saw the effort you've been putting in!! You've got this ୧⁠(⁠＾⁠ ⁠〰⁠ ⁠＾⁠) I'm here trying to get myself together too!!

Caramel!!!!(๑ > ᴗ < ๑)°ᡣ𐭩 . ° . !! Hiii how are ur studies going?? Hopefully u aren't pushing urself too hard<3<3

Oh my goodness, thank you for checking up on me!! I really appreciate it (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠) ♡ Life has been crazy as of late, between school and family events and festivals... I'll post some photos of how things have been!

Thank you so much, by the way. I had no energy to post until I saw your message. I love you!!! How are you doing these days??

I'm back! Sorry I haven't been active lately, life planning is getting into my head, and I've been working on a big passion project I'll share with you all soon ^^ also, thank you my lovely @pixo0 for reviving me with those sweet messages.

Here's some photos I took but forgot to post— I took them at the height of spring.

Ah— I feel like I wasted the long-awaited cherry blossom season just staying inside and drawing... I guess there's always next year. Time seems to move faster recently anyways.

How has everyone been doing? I miss you.

Chocolate ganache cake + matcha latte

Who, me?

I’m not depressed. I don’t think I’m depressed. I don’t feel depressed.

So why does everything point to me being depressed? I can’t even keep up a personal blog, which kinda sucks :/

Recently, I stumbled upon a little text-adventure game that pretty much summed up how I was feeling for the last two years or so- I can definitely turn my life around, but I just don’t. Maybe it’s a choice. Maybe it’s something I can’t control. Who knows. I blame laziness, mostly, but I’d suppose that’s a bandaid on the entire situation. I’m probably just a coward for responsibility. Here’s the game, by the way: http://www.depressionquest.com/dqfinal.html

I guess I do have my moments where everything feels like it’ll turn around and I’ll have a completely new life and all that, but I don’t think I’ve ever followed through. Sure, I definitely can make things better, but sometimes things just don’t work out. 

Hope I can do what it takes, though- I’m really banking on the hope I can clean up my own mess and pick up my slack. Being able to make choices for myself I like, having the energy to accomplish simple tasks like doing my homework and agreeing to go out with my friends. It sounds so wonderful to live without this barrier. Please, please, please. God, I just need this one wish. I’d absolutely love to live with energy and the ability to go out and do what I want to, what’s good for me- God, please, I’m sorry I didn’t have faith, I just need this one thing. Please help me out, please listen to my prayers now. I’m sorry. I really want to live without this.

Dissatisfaction

I really like my life as it is now, I get a few if not a decent amount of things done every so often, like music recitals and competitions and gigs every month or so.

School life is good enough, since I feel like I’d be okay with pretty much any environment. My friends are wonderful too, and they keep me company for the lionshare of the time I’m feeling lonely. They’re fun to talk to as well, and honestly one of the best parts of my life.

The problem is that I can’t help but dream of idealized versions of my life now- going back to that dream of being the stereotypical asian kid with neat handwriting and pocky and stationary of all matching colours. Aestheticism has a grip on me like nothing else, and sometimes I can daydream weeks away cooped up in my head, remembering none of what happened while I was up in the clouds. Social interaction in those times comes on its own, making up jokes and having entire conversations on autopilot without even being aware of what I’m talking about.

Most of my aesthetic wishes are the usual: being productive, matching colours and themes of everything I own, all in something pretty stereotypical of an asian girl (an example being my blog theme- all pink and cute even though I wasn’t a fan of pink when I made it), and, most regretfully of all, a friend group of kids who are all similar to my aesthetic ideal.

I love my current friends- so much so that they’re one of the only reasons why I bother going to school in person anymore. They’re fun and interesting to talk to, play games with me, and give me lots of support- but there’s always some kind of aspect missing from it all. 

I’d never let them go for the world- but when was the last time I had a sleepover? Went out with a cute group and looked for phone accessories? Braided one of my friend’s hair?

My current friend group is absolutely amazing, but I feel like I kind of left some of my planned childhood behind since I stopped having a super close friend group of girls in elementary school.

Is it so selfish to wish I had a group to bake with, to call each other pretty and cute, to tease about who they like, and to paint each other’s nails? Is it not such a wonderful thing to dress up in matching colours, garden with, and look up horoscopes together that you don’t even believe in, but still hope for like some fairy tale?

I really wish I were more of a girl, I’d suppose.

I really do wish that more people saw me as a girl. I hope it’s not too selfish to pray for?

HEARTBREAKING: Poor girl has to get out of the soft warm bed even though she is so so so so comfy

Workload and toffee

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and not for any good reason, being entirely honest. Once summer school fizzled out of existence, the days have been blurring together; suddenly there’s only a week until real school starts up again.

I’ve been working a lot today, and, thanks to my unhealthy way of working for extended periods of time and not feeling any different than from lying in bed, am able to cram my entire online French summer course in the next five days. 

Although the work itself is mundane, taking a third-person view on the entire ordeal excites me. I’ve started to work like the kid I’ve always wanted to be: Hours at a desk, chewing gum or drinking genmatcha tea, sometimes picking up the phone and chatting while I work when one of my friends calls me. I’ve even found about 300 index cards to write down daily goals and to-do lists!

Feels weird to congratulate myself on this kind of work even though I don’t feel any different than when I’m not doing any work at all. It’s like this for pretty much all the work I do, which is confusing since it always takes me hours to start any tasks even though actually doing it is a walk in the park. I’ve heard that that’s a form of lingering depression, but being entirely honest, I don’t think I’m that depressed  anymore. And even if it is sticking around, I’ve already beaten it to the ground the first time. What’s another round than just adding to the pot?

I’ve really been feeling better as of today. Still not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the toffee I made for my sister and I yesterday? It’s so sweet and doesn’t go with my tea, but it’s just fine with my morning coffee. I guess I’ll get to the bottom of this soon. For now, it’s right around 03:00- so I probably have to sleep in order to continue grinding through my French course tomorrow.

Goodnight!!

<3 Caramel

on the bright side one of my packages arrived but the quality kinda sucked :/ That one’s on me though, ordered from a bad seller

Can I come over and lie on your bed and fall asleep while you play mario kart

Winter Celebration art #1

I plan to draw a ton of these little pictures before christmas, print them out, and give them to my friend(left) with his gift.

I'll post one whenever I finish it, so hopefully this motivates me!