رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ

I’ll let you in on a secret.

It’s exhausting to be this kind and caring.

It’s exhausting to always go out of your way for other people.

It’s tiring to always be the one who makes sure that others are doing okay.

It’s hard to be everyone’s shoulder to cry on.

It’s mentally draining to listen to everyone’s problems and hearing the same stories over and over again.

But it’s not exhausting because I’m faking to be kind and caring.

It’s exhausting because no one ever thinks that maybe I, for once, need to be the one who feels cared for.

It’s tiring because no one ever feels the need to go out of their way for me.

It’s hard because no one feels like they need to make sure I’m okay, because they simply assume that I must be fine seeing as I’m handling other people’s problems so well.

It’s exhausting because my soul needs healing too sometimes, and it seems there is no one who wants to provide some love. It’s as though they don’t see that I, too, struggle with life and its ups and downs.

Maybe it’s my fault though? Maybe I am painting a picture of a perfect life? I may not be faking my kindness and caring nature but maybe I am faking how much I really have it all together?

But I quite like the illusion of having it all together. Do you see the problem?

- e.s. // secrets.

It just that , we always find our way back together no matter hard we fought but not this time . I just can’t accept that , i know it’s because of me that we become like this . Im really sorry about that . I don’t think im gonna find someone like you too . And i don’t think im gonna be in love again . I’ve been given everything i have , did everything and anything where i have never ever did for someone else except you . And you can see where did it lead us ?? Now we are just strangers kan , that’s sad . Don’t mind me . Just find someone if he makes you happy , if he knows how to make you laugh even if you’re in a bad mood , if he won’t give up on you even you did said harsh things to him . Just don’t follow my standards. You did found someone else before right ?? You can now . You will heal , you will be happy again . You are strong , so strong so independent woman . You will be okay . But i don’t know if i will . You’re my everything , my heart , my soul , my home . This is sad . Susah nya nak terus kan hidup macam ni . Setiap hari sedih . Setiap hari check text ws you . Baca conversation lama kita . Gambar gambar lama kita . I cuba untuk tak nangis taip this post . It’s hard huhu . I rindu you dempol . Rindu gila gila . I nak you . I talk to izz about you , rindu you semua . Tp dia marah i pulak huhu dia cakap nama i dah busuk dekat mata family you , kawan you . Sebab you dah bgtau adik adik you en . Dorang pun mesti ada bgtau parents you and ada juga yg tweet . You pun bgtau dayana and dayana pun mesti akan bgtau orang lain punya , dah nama pun gossip en . Or ada lain ke i dont know . But i don’t care . I still want you . Tp you nampak macam dah give up , macam betul nak move on . Im sorryy . Minta maaf mokk . Maybe i will delete this post , im really at my lowest . Iloveyou dempol more than anything in this world . I rindu sayang cinta you sangat sangat . Please takecare , drive safe stay safe , eat well . Again , i minta maaf atas semua yang telah terjadi that lead to this now . Jaga diri ye mokk 😍🥰😘

“When you beg of people, they hate you for it. When you beg of Allah, He loves you.”

— Yasmin Mogahed

(25/12/2021) 04/01/2022 - 10 days after last time hugged her

Still can’t stop thinking about you… i miss you….