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Vent Ish - Blog Posts
NOT k¡nk.
A few years ago i lost my childhood stuffed animal and I still havent found him and he probably feels abandoned and i miss him alot ｡ﾟ(｡ﾉωヽ｡)ﾟ｡
i don't know what happened but now I'm crying-
Just, please… don’t lie to me.
im gonna go insane i was f4sting like the best damn 4na and went down 2kg in js a couple days but now im in a cycle of f4sting then b1ng1ng and then f4sting GOD atp only those 4na gcs with super strict rules or h3ll even a damn coach
Sensitive topic!
TW: svc1d3, mention of 0v3rd0s3, 4lch0h0l p0¡s¡0n¡ng, and s3lf h4rm as well as other issues, please read at your own risk.
basically, I probably won’t be active anymore, I’m planning on km$ today, sometime during the night. I’ve had a cranky shitty 4ss life. I don’t look forward to anything anymore and I feel like absolute shit. I’ve got everything ready, the letters, all that bs. The only thing I want for now is the final step. No quote can turn my the cogs in my brain, no kind of guilt will convince me otherwise. This has been the only thing I look forward too. And I truly, entirely cannot fathom how much I desire the mere suggestion of d34th. I feel as if my whole world lights up. And for once, as soon I take the final step, one final push, I will feel like a true free bird. Of course, I’ve always wanted to at least have some fun before I d¡3, I plan on dr¡nk¡ng down the p¡11s I’ll take, I used to just merely cvt myself yet the pleasure of bl00d flowing out is no longer enough.
goodbye cruel world, sincerely, everyx.
atp im finna need a non-p3d0 coach becuase ive been having SUCH bad binge episodes its not even funny anymore
How long have you been pvrg1ng?How often? What did you come to? What triggered you todo so?
Do you remember how was your first time?
I honestly cant remember, but I’d estimate about 2 or so months. My first time pvrg1ng was really weird, and felt disgusting af. But I got over it because ive intentionally thrown up b4 to get home from skl.
what triggered my pvrg3 was a really bad binge and I felt such immense guilt I couldnt bear it. And after that I started doing it way more often because I felt so empty and even lost weight after pvrg1ng
sighs in im sick of binging, purging, binging, chilling, purging, and then chilling all day. I can still Taste the throw up in my throat. Yuck.
went to the doctors and found out I may or may not have a VIRUS!!! And god oh god knows how long I’ve had it, hopefully it’s one that’ll eat all my disgusting fat off!!!! DATTEBAYO!!! (I’m going insane)
I just binged. fvcking two bread pieces with Nutella, a piece of cake, and juice. Oh my gosh. I’m gonna kms. (It’s like 2k+ calories all together btw.)
can someone PLEASE give me ways to make myself sick QUICK, ive been feeling like shit but I’m scared that I’m actually not sick and just over exaggerating it, so I want to get worse since I’m going 2 the doctor tomorrow..
a SINGLE crumb or two of (bland) rice cake entered my stomach because my father forced me to eat SOMETHING and now I feel like shit! Like I know it’s less then 4 calories for a crumb or two but still..
despretely in need of an almond mom, i geniunely cant do this shit alone i swear
Sometimes it feels like a little bit of ego mania is inherent to human nature, par for the course- other times it feels like im drowning in the doubt of whether im actually smart or just a narcissist. I always thought it was a problem that everyone had, but then i realized that the struggle to confirm to the self that you are who you say you are - whether you said who you were aloud to others or not - is not actually normal. Imposter syndrome is a finicky bitch that needs to pick a lane, are you sticking around or leaving me the hell alone- chop chop i wanna know. At the same time, i know that for people struggling with imposter syndrome (myself included) it can be really difficult to accept facts about yourself as true or untrue- especially when your an avid consumer of books and movies and shit, because every time you feel the imposter syndrome popping up your like “uhm, why do i sound like a book character- ew no, that is cringe i do not want to fall into tropes”
“Is love bad sometimes?”
Sometimes. It can lead you to just let others hurt you. Sometimes we ignore the bad things people do or the bad way they treat us because of a good opinion of them, or because of loving them. It doesn't make the way they treat us okay, just means we don't recognize it- or consistently continue to create excuses for them in lieu of facing the way they treat us, and talking to them or cutting them off about/over it.
But it can also be really good. It can lead you to the best moments of your life- even if they were never really meant to stick around. Our idea of self-importance is never stuck relying on the person we love- even if we feel like we don't matter without the love of that person. Sometimes people just aren't meant to stick around. Some people get lucky and find "the one" early on, and others take a while to get there and find their loved one.
Some people die before or after their loved one, and have to live on afterwards, but I feel that it's important that we continue to live in those cases. After all, the person who loved us would only want for us to keep on making happy memories once their gone if they truly loved us. Love is a fickle thing, it can be so good when it's good, and heart-crushingly bad when it's bad. It's like a wave, you've gotta ride it. If you can't, you'll crash under the waves and have to swim to shore/get pulled out the sea and try again at that big ass wave. For those who want live, it can be the most wonderful thing in the world to experience, and for those who don't it's just lovely to see. Love takes time, and is difficult. It's different for everyone, and there's no one true way to go about it or explore it. It's something that can't really be perfected, as there's no perfection to it- just happy moments with those you love that feel perfect.
“But can you love someone too much?”
Yeah. And sometimes it can hurt. But you’ve gotta find out how to find the balance- otherwise it’ll fall apart. Sometimes though, we love someone just enough, and they don’t love us as much and so it feels like we love them too much. Doesn’t mean we do. However- it’s still entirely possible to live someone too much, you just have to be sure the person your handing your heart over to won’t drop it or let it fall. If you think the person you’ve given your heart to will hold it like it’s precious, and won’t let it fall. Then there’s no such thing as too much, there’s only just enough. Because they love you just about the same amount.
yknow how birthdays are supposed to be all 'oh yippee im older wowzers!' its shit :p
im just tired yknow i want to go back to sleep not celebrate or anything plus yknow im older.
i dont like that i feel like im just getting closer to death lol
you know when your adhd compels you to immediately stop all work and begin reharmonizing a choir warmup for spooky season (october) and purposefully go download a free videoediting software (ShotCut, hot artists dont gatekeep) to then continuously voice record myself for the next one hour exactly cutting and editing the voice recordings to line up (speeding up by 1.001000x with pitch consideration) and then having a result that was absolutely not worth the time because your two-voice harmony one sounded much better than the three-voice one you spent twice the amount of time as the two-voice harmony one figuring out and you messaged your music major friend about it but theyre asleep rn so your thoughts are still hyperfixated on music even though i've music'd all the music there is to music right now because i have no instruments near my vicinity enough for my adhd to consider it more convenient than it is important to stay hyperfixated on this unimportant task?
yeah me neither
fell down a flight of stairs today and bruised my back and tailbone
so I’m doing well obviously
I just wanted to let everyone know that I appreciate every single interaction between us. It makes my day, even if it's something rude. //
At least someone would care enough to say something to me. //
On today's episode of "What is wrong with my mind and why am I like this?", I'm wondering why the hell I crave attention and affection from people I hate, let alone people I have a kind of parasocial hatred towards.
I genuinely can't remember the last time I was actually, like, feeling very good. Anxiety has ridden my days for literally as long as I can remember. What the funk...