Paranoia - Blog Posts

My brain briefly convinced me I saw smth (I saw incorrectly) and I have still not recovered the 10 yrs it stole from me 💀

Wow my bpd is acting up fiercely this morning. It’s so...annoying.  The paranoia...it’s sickeningly overwhelming Like I see you’re online, you’ve been online for a while, you haven’t even looked at my message.  Did I upset you? Did I do something wrong? Do you secretly hate me? Are you... leaving me...?? Who is stealing you away from me? Is it them? God it gives me such anxiety in the deepest pits of my stomach. Its such a feeling that screams “You need to be perfect! You’re not perfect! BE BETTER BE BETTER! HE’S GOING TO LEAVE YOU”  I need to be perfect or he’ll leave me for someone better. I’ll be replaced in an instant if I slack.  It makes my skin crawl... I just want to cry so fucking bad. I want to break down. I want you to hold me so tight and close, and tell me you’re not going anywhere, ever. Never ever.

Please don’t leave me, I love you. I really do.

Writer's Rant

One of my anime's today is delayed so I thought I would take a moment and get something off my chest. 🤔

I have been going through my newer older writing meaning when I started writing anime fan fiction and I noticed a lot of stuff that could use improvement that I have learned over the years. I wonder if it would be smart to either re-edit all the new old fics or to repost them with the changes and maybe get a new audience for them.😬

Is that considered cheating in the writing world or have other people done this in the past. I know when i say edit I don't mean a few changes I mean something major changes to whole chapters so technically some of the fics could be considered new?😳

I mean its not like i'm doing this in order to get new readers or anything even though I feel like some of my fics were misunderstood cause they are 90% AUs cause that is how i write and I don't like to put myself into a corner of certain characters only being able to be certain types or always as wholesome and clean as the anime makes them out to be...😵

I'm lying to myself aren't I? I mean what writer does not want a chance to breathe new life into their work and gain a new audience in the process. I guess as long as I am transparent about it to the readers it isn't exactly lying...right?😶

Alastor Moody

Alastor Moody is, of course, a difficult character to think back on because most of our experiences with him--weren’t actually him

Regardless, he was still an important character, one of the few characters who was in the Order of the Phoenix during both Wizarding Wars. A brave and skilled wizard he was also a good judge of character (Igor Karkaroff), giving (Tonks was his protégé) and he didn’t care too much about what others thought of him—only considering the opinion of those he deemed worthy.

What I think most about him, is he gives us a glimpse into some mental illness, disillusion and how Ron would be in his later years with PTSD. Even as a high-ranking Auror, people mostly avoided him as he had become a bit paranoid

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you

after all his years serving as an Auror and all those he had put away. He had limited friends he felt he could trust and had shown to have many scars showing all he had been thru. In the brief moments with him, he showed to be sentimental and trying to form human connections where he could and appreciating them: giving Harry the original Order of the Phoenix photo and his relationship with Tonks

PS Very glad Harry worked to get his eye back 

Paranoia

I'm not clean

I'm rusted

I'm so close to being busted

‘bout time I did

Did I really think I could make it,

Without falling into that pit?

Mount my head to the wall

Like I am a piece of art

And nothing more than a fart

Parading into my storm

In your way trying to make me happy

It’s leaving me feeling crappy

Ask me again

What it’s like to feel,

The spin of this lopsided wheel

Rationally shrugging

Give me away, Kenzie

Then I’ll call it more of a frenzy

A secret

If you're accepting, I don’t care if you know

I'm notorious for my one none existent greeting

Not to mention the fact

That I might not be what you think

With my virtual paper and ink

Out with failure being my success

In predicting my life, I didn’t really see this

With octopus camouflage, it’s hit or miss

Imagine me as you did before

To go and fix it back

Next time when I'm unable to, I’ll pick up my own heavy slack

Dead on the inside

I'm rotting, in my worn out shell

I think this just turned back into hell

Bed rotting, bed rotting till I can stop myself from crying, stupid stupid bunny nobody cares about you

*

some positive doodles for my fellow psychotics

could be paranoia-inducing i think so please tag accordingly!

Back making emojis again!!

Hope these are useful ^w^

Paranoia, paranoia...

Imaginary foes and dangers, quite often conviction about self-importance, fight-or-flight mode flared up to the extreme and feeling an urge to do irrational things... like avoiding mirrors or windows.

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Ildari's an underrated character.

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I hope you all take care of yourself and drink enough water.

I wish all of you a nice day :)

At the end of the month Allison and I will be moving into a new, nicer apartment. It's very exciting and big step for us as a couple. The only problem is that we've been having trouble with the rental company. They're very dodgy with any questions we might have and today I tried to drop off the security deposit and couldn't find their office at the address they gave me.

I'll admit I'm a bit paranoid of a person but Allison is starting to get worried now too, which worries me :/

Here’s some more Heartsteel sketches based on some cool shots (imo) from the music video :P

Paranoia 

Paranoia makes me see my loved ones and close friends hating my guts and only saying things to keep me happy. This isn’t the truth but it sure can feel like it sometimes.