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Nd - Blog Posts
oh so tumblr has decided to make me self aware today
“Ah sorry I’m just dumb” (having ADHD my whole life has meant that I’ve been criticised heavily for making mistakes that come part and parcel with the condition. Even the people I love most in the world have chastised me for mistakes that I spend much of my life worrying about and trying to avoid. It’s much easier to tell you I’m just a silly guy than explain to you that no matter how much effort, how much thought, how much stress I put into avoiding these same mistakes, I will keep making them over and over again. My brain is structurally built to thwart me throughout it all.)
some of you may've heard about that fancy "bionic reading" typefont thats supposed to be easier for neurodivergent people to read (if you're unfamiliar, it bolds the first few letters of each word to make it easier to follow)
well guess what, its locked behind a $500 a month API to write in because fuck you!
introducing, Not Bionic Reading! it is literally just the bionic reading typefont but for free. god bless neocities
anyone who can, pls reblog!
oh yeah don’t worry about my leg bouncing, i’m fine. that’s just a thing i do when i’m bored, or excited, or nervous, or alive
Computer: *makes a sound*
Autistic: *makes the same sound*
there’s like. there’s probably more this is just off the top of my head.
there’s transcripts in the alt text if you don’t want to squint :)
Does anyone else ever feel like their body parts are on wrong? I get this weird sensation sometimes that mine are, even though I can look at it and see it’s fine.
Right now, it’s my hips and pelvis. It just feels wrong.
Is this an autistic sensory thing?
Study mode activated. I have a 3-5 page paper to write for my forensic science class. I feel less stressed about this one than I did about last week’s. I’m also really proud of the gun I drew, especially since I’m nowhere near being an artist. Yay forensic science class!
My study buddy is here keeping me company. I’m on my second page and have taken my second Ritalin of the day to focus. I may drink more coffee later on to help focus my brain when the Ritalin wears off. ADHD is so much fun…
There’s one thing I always think of when I hear “how could you let it get so bad?” and similar phrases. It’s in the comments of every video of matted hair or a dirty kitchen.
I think the appropriate response is “what would have to happen to you for you to let it get that bad?” And when you think about that question, and the horrifying answers that come with it, you almost certainly have more sympathy for the person you were being judgemental to.
Yesterday I was supposed to meet with my case manager, since we’ve never met. I had the address and even confirmed in the morning it wasn’t a Telehealth visit, like the additiona automated call I received the day before said it was. I arrived early and waited in the office. And waited. And waited.
Then I received a message from my wife saying that the case manager was at our house. She never said it was in home. I couldn’t handle anything else after that call.
I cried so much. I never ended up meeting her because I was 25 minutes away from home.
We will eventually reschedule.
Why is life so challenging?
As a ND person, I hate having to take communications courses in college. It reaffirms that NT people are confusing AF.
I was working with a young kid yesterday who was screaming and struggling while her dad and I tried to wash her hair but in between screams I asked her what kind of soup she would be if a witch cursed the world into becoming Soup World and her utter confusion broke the spell of her fear. She stopped crying and just looked at me and echoed “Soup World????” and we got her hair clean no problem.
I’m having a very emotional day. My business communications class is triggering a lot of old memories from when I was working at two different companies. I know I did what I could with the knowledge and tools I had at that point in my life, but the memories still hurt.
Not knowing I was autistic and how that impacted everything in my life was a huge factor. Not being properly medicated for ADHD and feeling like I was the only person who didn’t have my shit together practically killed me. I still have PTSD from comments I saw and heard others say about me. About being gaslit by my manager. About being so overwhelmed that I am still dealing with burnout.
It doesn’t help that I’m not in therapy right now. My case worker is pushing to try to find me a therapist but the system is so overloaded and there just aren’t enough people to go along without burning out the therapists.
On top of all that, my assignment this week in my business communications class is to talk about my chosen field and how communication has changed. Except I don’t have a chosen field. I’m struggling to figure out what it is and if I can actually work. I’m in crisis every day about it. Being disabled but “not disabled enough” is taking its toll right now. I’m not okay. I’m hopeful things will get better but that’s where I am.
Being overstimulated is so weird with both ADHD and Autism.
Do even the slightest sounds make me wanna scream and cry? Yes.
Does listening to some intense dubstep on max volume in my earbuds immediately ground me and help? Also yes.
I stress about having to use my card properly and not take too long and what if it doesn’t read right and what if there aren’t seats and what if I have to sit next to someone who wants to talk and where do I look and ALL THE NOISES.
And that’s just for buses and the light rail. I’ve been rehearsing air travel for much longer.
To other autistic people, how do you feel about travelling on public transport?
I thought I didn’t have RSD until it was pointed out to me that I take things like a personal attack and that I’m super emotional. So I researched it again through this lens. This happened just a few days ago and now I can’t unsee it.
Unpacking my own neurodiversity is weird, even after all these years.
My bestie just got the autism diagnosis for her 7 year old son. I think I convinced her not to put him through ABA. She’s already getting a referral for OT. What helpful therapies are there that aren’t abusive or traumatic that I can suggest she look into?
Felt like doing this again. It’s interesting to see where I am today vs two months ago.
Wish to know where your needs fall on the spectrum?
Take the test here.
This test is NOT for diagnosis.
Where your needs fall can change throughout your life and even day to day.
I’m “watching” my bestie’s 7 year old son and he’s watching Godzilla videos. He’s telling me all about the different Godzillas and their abilities. It makes my heart so happy. You go, T! Tell me all about your current hyperfocus and obsession. I love this kid.
I feel this
I’m diagnosed as autistic, but I don’t really struggle a lot with social cues. I pick most of them up naturally it just takes a while. I have trouble figuring out when I’m supposed to speak so I usually just don’t. And I can’t usually tell when to stop a conversation. But I’m pretty good at all the other social stuff. Can I still be autistic? Is there a chance I was misdiagnosed?
"I pick up on social cues naturally but it just takes a while."
That's not picking up in social cues naturally. That's reading them and interpreting them after you learnt them via study and masking. Allistics don't need a while. It's instantaneous.
Trouble figuring out your turn to speak and stopping a conversation? Autism.
And pretty good at social stuff or you're no longer a child and have learnt the rules and regulations around social interaction?
This is classic imposter syndrome and I can tell you that if you are diagnosed as autistic, you're autistic. We're all different, yes, so my struggles will be different to yours. But reading social cues like an old 1950s radio manual is not the same as allistic understanding of social cues.
*warm hugs*
I just read that asking someone how they are is rhetorical; my mind is blown. Is it really rhetorical? I’m so confused.
Things to think about and ponder
fully personal opinion
see many autistic people online treat someone calling self “high functioning” as a red flag, and some view it more extremely as irredeemable and make immediate assumption about person.
and i don’t… fully agree?
like of course see where they come from. there definitely are autistic people who identify as “high functioning” (high functioning autism, HFA) or “aspie” to separate self from the other autistics because they look down on other autistics. others may even believe HFA is this new evolutionary goal and people with HFA and only high functioning autism is better than everyone else, allistics included. they are yucky.
i carefully curate n select my internet experience because know if get mad, won’t be able to step away. so i don’t see these people much at all online. also because of dominant views in online autism community, these aspie supremacy HFA people don’t really participate in online actually autistic community.
but the reason i say i dont fully agree is because….
for so long me as a higher support needs level 2/3 austistuc and my friends who are similar or have more support needs as me & may be labeled “low functioning”, we been spoken over in online autistic community. dominant view of autism in online actually autistic community say every autistic all the same just mask differently or stuff like that. can look at my other posts for more context.
so, i really do appreciate when… how to say… an autistic respond to my posts say “i’m high functioning and i agree/thank you for bringing light to issue/etc etc.”
like. call themself as “high functioning” to, yes, separate themselves from me, not in the “im better than you i worth more than you”, but in the way of “i acknowledge me being/being seen as high functioning means i have different experiences than you, and on higher support needs/level2 3/low functioning issues i don’t have the lived experience and i need to listen.”
like i fully appreciate the latter, you know?
it’s also okay to say like. “while i don’t identify as high functioning, i do acknowledge i am often seen as high functioning, and that means i get treated better than those called low functioning.”
anticipate some people will say “well there still are better terms out there, like low support needs.” and the thing is, high functioning, levels, and support needs may all be trying to describe similar things, but they don’t neatly translate to each other. they don’t exactly mean same thing. “high functioning” doesn’t necessarily always mean low support needs.
and it not my place to tell other people how to self identify!
also because, i do like functioning labels when voluntarily used as self descriptor.
so, TLDR, i do oppose professionals & other people forcibly labeling autistics with functioning labels, i do hate those aspie supremacist high functioning autistics. but i think there is more nuance (always more nuance) to the “call self high functioning = bad” conversation. sometimes really do appreciate when someone self describe use “high functioning” to note difference in autistic experiences.
idk just personal thoughts. idk make sense.
I struggle with asking questions in class because of all of this.
why autistic/adhd people may not ask for help
i’m not sure where to start and i don’t even know what questions to ask that would help me understand any of this
i want to ask you but i’m deathly afraid that you will hate my guts and resent me forever
i feel stupid and embarrassed for not knowing/understanding this
i wasn’t paying attention/i zoned out/you were talking too fast while going over this
“oh my god are you serious? it’s obvious, weren’t you paying any attention?” thanks for confirming i’m as stupid as i feel, appreciate it
i forgot about this deadline and i should’ve done it sooner but now it’s too late and awkward to say anything
your criticism will cast me into despair
i have no idea how to articulate my concerns so i will sit here silently until i can
i feel horrible about not doing it and not asking you initially and so i’m avoiding talking about it in the hopes that i will miraculously and suddenly understand it instead of doing the walk of shame to your office and risking the chance that i’ll piss you off and ruin your night
i’m working up the confidence to ask you
i’m formulating in my head a way to ask that doesn’t make me sound like i didn’t care enough to do it sooner, and that i actually have the willingness to do it, and that doesn’t place any blame on anyone except maybe me
autistic/adhd people feel free to add on! obviously this will vary from person to person, but this is my personal experience as an autistic and adhd person. if you’re neurotypical, please don’t try to offer tips for how to get around this because i can almost guarantee it will not be helpful :)