First Sentence Already Got Me Crying She Is Too Good - Blog Posts

story of us k.h

if i could write a story about my life then i would dedicate a whole book about just you and i. i could write pages and pages about everything, from the moment i saw you to the moment i fell for you to the moment everything started to go downhill. 

chapter upon chapter about you. i would dedicate a whole chapter about how dull my life was before you came into it and how you managed to make it so bright so very quickly. i’ll write about how you caught my eyes across the room, drawing me in and then getting me hooked by saying “hello”. 

when they read that they’ll still be naïve to the future, just like i was, they’ll say “they’re the lucky ones” envying our young and picture-perfect love, just like our friends did all those years ago.

my next chapter would be about honeymoon phase, where we couldn’t get our hands off of each other, becoming each other’s oxygen, only being able to live if we were next to each other. how different that is to now. no longer am i the girl i was when i was with you. no longer am i always by your side, no longer having a seat reserved next to you and now having to look for an empty seat in a room full of people. you gave me the key to the cage i didn’t even know i was locked in. i don’t even know where you are in your story anymore, maybe you’re going through your redemption arc, i don’t know.

the chapter after that would be about the fall. not the falling in love part, the falling out of love part. i’ll write about how much easier everything could’ve been if we had just talked to each other, properly. if i had known what i know now maybe we could’ve had it all, we could’ve made it. if i had told you more about me, then maybe we could’ve both broken down the walls i built up. i would write to you kai. not to the readers of our story, but to you. i would write to you about how much i wish, no pray that we could’ve made it work or at least at the minimum, i wish we could’ve at least made it end a little bit better. i wish we didn’t fight as much and i wish we didn’t lose our voices as much due to the words we used to shout at each other. but we can’t change the past, no matter how much i wish i could. 

then i would write about the now, how we manage to stand alone on two opposite sides of the room, not speaking, not looking at each other, just watching the world pass by. i could laugh until my stomach aches at the irony of the situation i found myself in but at the same time i could cry out in anger and sorrow because at the end of the day i still love him because he was there for me, through thick and thin, even when we were at the end. i will write about how much i hope this is affecting you, killing you that you can’t hold me anymore because that’s how i feel. i hope you think of me when you wake up to the moment you fall asleep because i do. and no amount of silly blind dates is going to get you out of my head, but you’ll leave one day because life moves on, we’ll move on, well unless you’ve already moved on but i doubt that, we both had a strong hold on each other’s hearts and you know that.

i wish i could know what you would write kai. would you say the same things about me, would you blame it all on me or would you take the blame? how you would you describe me? would you say i was just another face in the crowd or would you describe me as if you were romeo talking about his sweet juliet. i guess you could say we’re kind of like them only that our families aren’t mortal enemies and did actually love us being together or the fact that we don’t take our lives at the end of our story. okay, maybe that was a bad example but what i mean to say, is that we were a tragedy, star crossed lovers perhaps.

i wonder if you would write about how stupid i defiantly look right now, because i would. i could write about how i’m trying to make myself look busy and that no matter how hard i try, it probably isn’t working at all. you’re probably staring at me and thinking ‘what is going on inside her head?’ and if only you could speak those words out loud, i would be able to say it’s because ‘i love you’. 

it’s a shame i’ll never be able to publish this big book idea of mine, i mean i could, it’s just i don’t want to because it isn’t just my story, it’s ours. that’s besides the point though, because either way i will never say any of this out loud, it will just be another one of those moments that could’ve led to a different path in my life. maybe in another life, we could’ve found each other after all this and i would tell you it all and maybe we could’ve made this damn book a reality but that’s just another ‘would’ve could’ve should’ve’ moment. if only we weren’t so hot headed and quick to jump to conclusions and not so stubborn to admit that we were in fact the person in the wrong. if only i wasn’t such a perfectionist, thriving off of praise and needing that constant reassurance, telling me that i’m doing good or if only you didn’t hold your pride so highly and tightly, unlike how you would hold me. 

if this is my story then i’m scared to see how it ends because i feel as though we have a few more empty pages left to fill, and would you please stop acting as if this is nothing kai? why won’t you just come up to me and tell me you miss me or at least say a ‘hi’ or something. i would be right up for doing that but i’m lost for words right now and i can’t put together the words to describe how much i miss you, hell i’m sure if i went up to you right now, crickets would begin to start chirping, that’s how loud the silence is. almost suffocating.

look at us now kai, we’re just watching the walls and tables collect dust by how long we’ve been avoiding each other and it’s killing me and i can’t help but want you here, in my arms holding me close. i want to know kai, i really want to know whether or not you feel the same way as i do. did you happen to miss me after i left? is this space between us making you want to itch closer to me or am i just making this tension up? how much i curse the world for making us ‘the star-crossed lovers’, i mean how unfair is that, why are we the ones that have fallen victim to this god awful ‘trope’.  

we’re acting as if we’re part of a contest, one where we have to ignore the one person we so desperately want to be close to. i don’t like this game, no in fact i despise it, liking it much better when you were with me, whispering the sweetest words i’m sure the world has ever heard. so many things i wish i had said to you kai but we had such little time, it was practically impossible to squeeze it all in, meaning that i couldn’t. so, we have to accept that not all stories end in a happy ending, and that although the prince did help the damsel in distress leave the danger behind her, the damsel is managing perfectly fine on her own, no matter how much she does miss said prince. 

this is how we end our story though, me and you on opposite sides of the room, not uttering a single world and only taking soft breaths avoiding eye contact with each other but knowing that the other is there. two people who were in love but just not meant to be.