Everything's Fine - Blog Posts

you decide what they’re talking about. 

don’t mind what’s under the cut :)

I think the reasons why so many of us gen z are practically frothing at the mouth to fight politicians and other things is because:

A. We aren't really afraid to die. We grew up being bombarded with statistics along the lines of "by 2050 all forests will cease to exist" and "the oceans are going to have a worldwide ecological collapse in the coming years" that we just we kinda accepted it and collectively lost hope?? Like, I realised that I truly, subconsciously believed that the world would end in my lifetime and I just? Didn't care?? And all of my friends think the same way??

B. Most of us grew up seeing our parents being depressed and divorcing and we couldn't accept that as our future too. We have unlimited access to an unlimited source of information and everyday we are bombarded by a hundred different sources of horrible news that either fuels are anger, turns it into apathy, or both. We need something to take that anger on.

We are not old enough to change this system that makes us so angry through politics and career choices, so we do what we can through the technology that we've had access to our entire lives. That is why we want to fight. Because we are desperately clinging to the hope that we can change things for the better and fix this planet the way everyone expects us to.

Wow, he hasn’t done that in a while lol. The chances of being tossed in the air by Moon are low but never zero! ✨

Some bad Bobby fan art cause he my favorite

Whumpay has my going crazy, so to all the Donatello whumpee fans out there, this one’s for you.

Donnie deserved to crash out after the events of The Fourfold Trap and Leo should’ve apologized. Hence, we have this

(Uses the prompts from day 2, and day 15)

Tw: Swearing (it’s Raph), and mentions of injuries

Donnie slumps in his chair, staring at the remnants of his latest failure. The liquid was pitch black, bubbling in front of him, mockingly.

He groans, putting his face into his hands. This was the fifth failure of the night. It was supposed to work- why haven’t any of them been working?

He forces himself into an upright position, shoving the black sludge to the far side of his desk. His head is pounding but he doesn’t care, he has to find a cure to the brainworm. He forces his hands to stop shaking as he grabs a pipette, trying a different combination of chemicals. He’s meticulous, careful and calculated. Every drop feels like torture, the calm before the storm. He adds the last ingredient and waits with bated breath. For a second it looks like it’s going to work and he stands up, planting his hands on the table. He’s laughing, it’s working- he’s done it!

Of course, it didn’t work.

The mixture turns cement grey, bubbling like the last one had. He groans again, slamming his hands onto his desk. He was so close. But of course- of course it wouldn’t work. Why would it work? All he does is fail. With an angry shout he punches his desk, once, twice- he only stops when his hand starts throbbing.

His eyes burn. His head hurts. He’s so tired- he hasn’t slept since their kidnapping, too preoccupied with finding a cure to the brain worm. He wasn’t even sure he’d bandaged his burns, he just didn’t have the time. He lets out a bitter laugh, the remnants of another experiment gone wrong glaring at him. Gloating. Screaming. He’s a failure. All he’s done lately is fail- he couldn’t make the cure, he couldn’t save his brothers, he couldn’t beat the brain boggler, all he could do was fail.

He wants to cry, but he doesn’t. He’s not sure he can. Instead he takes a deep breath, running a hand over the top of his head. He can do this. He can do this.

He gives his hands a shake, cracks his neck, and metaphorically rolls up his sleeves. He won’t rest until he gets this right and finds a cure. He can’t. He has to do this for Leo. For Splinter.

————————————————————

It has been a few days since the kidnapping. Mikey had been shaken up for the first day or so, but bounced back quickly compared to the others. Raph still had the occasional headache (especially when he didn’t drink enough water) but it looked like he was on the road to a full recovery. Mikey had decided to spend most of his time annoying said brother, playing pranks on the older turtle whenever he could.

Currently, Mikey sat in front of the TV, cross legged and smiling at an episode of Crognard The Barbarian. Raph sat on the couch behind him, comic in hand. The two had been bickering up until a few moments ago, leaving them in a not so silent, silence.

Leo emerged from the dojo, stretching his arms above his head with a small sigh. He’d been spending most of his time with Splinter, meditating, and talking about Karai. This was the first time he’s been out since this morning.

“Has anyone seen Donnie?” He asked, and Raph snorted, shaking his head.

“Not since we got back.” He said snarkily, refusing to take his eyes off his comic. “He’s been cooped up in his lab, something about finding a cure? That ringing any bells?” Raph looked away from the comic, giving Leo a pointed look. The eldest narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. Whether or not he did this out of frustration or guilt he wasn’t sure.

“Really?” He frowned, glancing at the large doors to his side. “Did he at least grab anything to eat?”

“Nope,” Mikey said, popping the p. He leant back on his hands, still looking at the TV as he answered his brother. “I brought him some pizza earlier, he might’ve had that.”

Leo frowned harder before he let out a sigh, once again glancing at the door. “Doubt it.”

Raph snapped his comic book shut, staring at him with narrowed eyes. “Well maybe if you hadn’t yelled at him-”

“Oh- so this is my fault now?” Leo scoffed, his arms falling to his sides. “He knew how much it meant to sensei, he wasn’t trying hard enough!”

Raph stood up, glaring hard at his older brother. “Trying hard enough? Do you- do you hear how stupid you sound!? Of course he was trying, you idiot!”

Leo rolled his eyes, adjusting his feet. “He wasn’t trying enough.” He said it with finality, a hard tone that didn’t leave any room for discussion.

Raphs forehead vein made an attempt to burst out of his skin, but he did his best to stay calm.

Leo furrowed his eyebrows, taking a few steps forward. “That’s all I told him- it’s not like I told him to make it his whole life!“ Leo was getting angrier by the second- look, he knows Donnie was trying. But they didn’t have time- they needed a cure as soon as possible.

“His- are you kidding me, fearless?“ Raph marched towards him, his fists balled. “I mean seriously, how do you not see how much of an asshole you were.”

Leo stood his ground, clenching his fists. “She needs this cure. Splinter needs his daughter. I was only trying to give him motivation-“

“Motivation!?” Raph snapped, laughing loudly. “Are you that obsessed with her that you thought bitching out your brother was the best idea for motivation?”

Leo spluttered, holding his hands up in front of him. “I did not bitch-“

“You kinda did, bro.” Mikey’s voice cut in, giving Leo a dodgy side eye. “Donnie was always working on that thing. What you said was not cool, dude.”

The two older turtles stopped, staring at the youngest. Raph held a hand out, gesturing to Mikey. If he had an eyebrow to raise, he would’ve done so. “You know it’s bad when even Mikey admits it.”

Leo stood silently, staring at the ground. His fists clenched and unclenched at his sides, a mixture of anger and guilt swirling in his mind. He wasn’t- Donnie should know that he wasn’t trying to be harsh. He was just stressed, and he felt like Donnie could be doing better.

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?” Leo frowned, looking up at the shorter turtle. Raph crossed his arms while Mikey piped up from the floor. “Apologize, duh.”

Leo sighed, rolling his eyes. “Fine.”

“And take him some more pizza!”

————————————————————

Donnie had barely slept, the pizza Mikey brought over long since forgotten on the floor. He was hunched over his desk, his eyes drooping every so often. He was no closer to creating a cure than he had been a week ago, and he was starting to get extremely frustrated with himself.

That’s where Leo found him. Muttering quietly, shaky hands reaching for pipettes and test tubes, beakers lined up on his desk, all filled with the same orange liquid. Donnie was evidently doing multiple experiments at the same time, trying to cut his time short.

Leo sighed, glancing around the room. His eyes landed on the uneaten pizza and he frowned, his fingers twitching under the plate in his hand. He shifted awkwardly, waiting for Donnie to notice that he was there- usually, the sound of the door opening would’ve been enough. Today, the taller turtle was none the wiser, far too wrapped up in his experiments to notice. Leo very quickly got fed up with it and cleared his throat, walking a little closer with intentionally loud steps.

Donnie jolted, his hands seizing. He nearly dropped the test tube he was holding, just barely steadying himself enough to avoid a spill. Once he was calm, Donnie set the tube onto a holder, placing his hands on the desk, his head bowed forward in frustration.

Donnie was turning as he spoke, pinching the bridge of his beak as he did so. “Raph, I already told you, if you want me to get out you’re gonna have to-“ he paused, finally realizing which brother he was talking too. He locked eyes with Leo, eyes widening slightly before they hardened. “Oh. It’s you.”

Leo tried not to feel hurt, but the stab of guilt in his chest made that difficult. He walked forward a few steps, gesturing to the plate in his hand. “I brought pizza.” He tried, gently. Donnie eyed it up before he turned back to his desk, waving a hand over his shoulder. “Put it on the side.”

Leo frowned again (he seemed to be doing a lot of that-) before he set the plate down next to the one Mikey had brought him. “Are you gonna eat it?” He questioned, crossing his arms in a classic big brother move. “You haven’t even touched the stuff Mikey brought you.”

“I’ll eat later.” Donnie’s tone was dismissive and cold, hardly paying attention anymore. Leo didn’t know why that made him so mad.

“Come on Donnie, just one piece won’t hurt.” He tried bargaining, taking another step towards the turtle. He was a few feet away and still, his younger brother refused to look at him.

“Oh, but it will, right?” He snapped, narrowing his eyes at the beaker in front of him. “If I eat, I’m not working on the cure.”

Leo winced, opening his mouth before closing it. He let out a loud sigh, giving Donnie his best mom look. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” He snapped, turning to look at Leo. “You wanted me to try harder- I’m trying harder! What, now you’re mad at me?” He scoffed, letting out a short laugh. Of course- of course, because Donnie couldn’t do anything right.

“Of course not! I’m just worried about you, you haven’t eaten, you don’t sleep-“

“You told me to try harder!”

Leo fell silent, his eyes widening with a sudden realization. Donnie paced in front of him, tugging at the skin on his head with a manic look in his eyes. The steps seemed to echo off the walls, a deafening sound to Leo’s ears.

”You want me to work on the cure, I’m working on the cure. Now you don’t want me to work on the cure? Make up your mind!” He said angrily, gesturing as he spoke. “You don’t get to say I’m not working hard enough then tell me I’m working too hard, that’s not how it works!”

Leo shook his head, firing back a response. “Yes I can! I can when you’re not taking care of yourself! I’m your older brother, and your leader!”

Donnie let out a loud laugh, one that seemed to reverberate around the room and drown out any other noise. When he finally calmed down, he refused to look at the other. He was seething, and his arms were tense at his sides.

“I can’t win with you! I’m expected to have all the answers and when I don’t, I’m told to try harder. I am trying! I’m trying my hardest! I do everything! Everything! You may be the leader but you don’t have half the responsibility I do! You act like you do, but you don’t/ you guys don’t even acknowledge 90% of what I do! And you want me to try harder!?” He whipped his head around, staring into Leo’s soul. He was sure at that moment if looks could kill, he’d be limbo dancing with the devil. Leo watched his younger brother stalk forward, jabbing a finger into his plastron. “How would you like to figure all this out? To be in charge of all the technology, all the vehicles, all the first aid? How would you like to be the first person everyone goes to for their problems, and the first person blamed when something goes wrong?”

Every stab of his finger felt like a knife through his heart, the weight of everything he’d done settling in like a dark cloud. Choking him, suffocating in the guilt. He was cut off anytime he tried to speak, forced to listen. Something he wasn’t used too.

“You- you tell me to try harder, like I’m not telling myself that everyday.” The jabs were losing heat, barely more than a firm poke at this point. “I know I need to find the cure. I know how much this means to Sensei. I know that we’re on a time crunch. I know because I tell myself every single day.”

He stopped, choking on his words for a moment. Leo went to open his mouth but Donnie gave him a look, clearly saying ‘I’m not finished’.

“I.. give everything to this family. Everything. And what do I get back? I’m told to try harder.” His voice is quiet, barely more than a whisper. His hand has long since dropped to his side, eyes locked to the floor as he spoke. “So go. Let me try harder. Let me redeem myself. Thats what you want, right?”

Leo wasn’t sure if he should cry or punch himself in the face. The silence enveloped them like a blanket, and for the first time in a long time, he took a long look at his brother.

The first thing he noticed was the untreated burns, blistering and swollen on the side of his head. Next were his eyes. Bloodshot. Drooping. He could see the unshed tears gathering in the corners, fighting a battle they were bound to lose. He noticed the dark circles under his eyes that stretched so far you could see them below his mask. He could see how sickly he looked, pale, almost deathly so. He looked like a shell of what he’d been even a week ago- how had Leo not noticed?

He looked around at the lab next, it was a mess. There were papers thrown all over the floor, burns, dents and scrapes on every surface. Broken parts of past machines were scattered everywhere, wires were stuffed in questionable places, and there was a box on the floor overflowing with gears. The broken toaster sat on one of his shelves, next to some hand drawn blueprints of the battle shell. With every small detail Leo felt his heart breaking, his breath catching in his throat. His eyes burned with shame, how has he never noticed before?

He finally looked back at his brother, his eyes landing on the burns once again. He felt a swell of emotion in his chest, nearly choking him with the intensity, and he realized with a start that he never answered his question.

“God- no, Donnie. I’m-“ he took a breath, closing his eyes as he collected himself. When he opened them he saw Donnie’s eyes. Narrowed. Tired. Disbelieving. “I shouldn’t have said that, okay? It was stupid, I- I realize that now. I don’t ever want to see you putting work over your own well being. That’s not what I meant.”

Donnie stayed silent, his red rimmed eyes scanning over Leo. He didn’t believe him, that much was obvious, and Leo knew that somehow he had to fix that.

“I know you don’t believe me, but just- take a break. Get some sleep. Eat something. Spend some time out of your lab, this’ll all be here when you come back to it.”

Donnie shifted on his feet, glancing back at the desk, his eyes were searching- for what, he wasn’t sure. Finally, after a terrifying minute of silence, he turned back to his brother with a small sniffle, clearly trying not to cry.

“You’re not gonna let me say no, are you?” He spoke softly, like all the fight had drained out of him, leaving him exhausted.

“Nope.” Leo said, giving his brother a small smile.

Donnie let out a wet laugh, one hand coming up to cover his mouth, the other resting on his desk. He gave it one last look before he turned around, crossing his arms over his chest. He stood in front of Leo, shifting on his feet with another sniff. Before he could say anything, Leo had his arms wrapped around him in a tight hug, the unsaid words obvious between the two. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I’d do anything to make this better.

Donnie froze, his body going stiff before he slowly relaxed, wrapping his arms around his carapace. The tears fell freely after that, soaking his mask and Leo’s shoulder. At some point they ended up on the floor, Donnie half in Leo’s lap but of course he didn’t mind. He sobbed, he knew things weren’t gonna be okay. He still had to find the cure, he was still the tech guy, but right now.. he was just Donnie. Being comforted by his older brother, like he used to when they were tots.

Right now, they were Donnie and Leo. Brothers before teammates. Brothers before ninjas. That’s all they needed to be.

You can also find this on Ao3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/65259853

Was I the only one who saw Clash of the Mutanimals, yk the episode where Raph got mind controlled, and went: “Yeah. We need more of that. And make it angsty”

I would hope not because there is some serious potential there, but anyway I took that and the Whumpay prompt “Used as a weapon” to create this.. lovely, beautiful abomination.

TW: Swearing, scenes of violence, blood and injuries, mind control

He felt everything.

From the moment he woke up in Baxtors lab, to fighting his brothers. He felt it all. He saw it all.

He couldn’t control himself.

And now he stood at Shredder's side, wanting nothing more than to sink these god awful claws into his neck. Claws, stained with his own brothers blood. He wanted to tear that man apart, the man who forced him to hurt his own brother. To wound him with weapons that weren’t his. But he couldn’t. His arms hung by his side, fists balled, unable to move an inch without being told he could.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood here. It could’ve been ten minutes, it could've been an hour. Shredder sat, perched on his stupid throne while he spoke. Raph didn’t register what he said, too wrapped up in his own head.

To say he was livid would be an understatement.

He still remembered the feeling of Leo’s skin tearing- the sound, god, the way it tore through his muscle with such ease it left him reeling. It was bleeding so much, and the look on his face was nothing short of devastated. He wanted to reach out, to hold him, fuck, apologize for once- but he couldn’t. He didn’t even spare Leo a second glance before he turned his sights on his younger brothers. They managed to escape before he could do any more damage. Leo.. he’d been loosing too much blood. They had to retreat and leave them all. They had to leave him.

He couldn’t blame them, he would’ve done the same thing. God- he’d been so close to getting control, but Shredder gave him one command and he had to follow through.

“Enough of these games, Raphael. End it.”

Those words bounced around his head, closely followed by Leonardo’s screams. The shouts and shrieks from his younger brothers. The horror in Mikey’s voice, lunging for their leader. Donatello’s voice, accusing, full of disbelief and fear.

”Raph! What the hell did you do?”

He couldn’t get it out of his head.

Leo’s blood was still sticky on his face, coating the gauntlets with a dark red. There was a puddle on the floor below them.

Raph wanted nothing more than to sink these claws into Shredder and he couldn’t move. He was sure he’d be stuck here for hours, plotting murderous revenge with a face blanker than paper- until he was called by the very man who caused all this.

“Raphael.” Shredder's voice was firm, but he could hear the underlying threat. It’s not like I could resist, he thought bitterly. “Why don’t you go to the lab and make yourself useful.”

He couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth. “Yes, master”

As it turns out, he was there to be a test subject. To make sure the brain serum was still working, still doing it’s job. Raph wanted to let out a bitter laugh. If it wasn’t working, they’d have known by now.

Nonetheless, Baxter had him strapped down. He was in no position to escape, but clearly these people had nothing better to do than take precautions. The metal was cold on his skin, the straps roughly digging into his flesh. He sat, his skin crawling with disgust and anger. The fly buzzed around the room, picking up strange tools, examining them closely before putting them down again in a seemingly unending cycle. Finally, the fly turned his attention to Raph, his beady eyes staring him down.

“Zz-stay zz-still, thizz izz going to hurt.”

When Baxter stuck a needle longer than his finger into his brain, he couldn’t scream.

——————————

He was strapped to the table. The same table as the day before. He growled, tugging harshly at the bonds but they didn’t budge, and he let out a frustrated yell.

“Now now zzz you won’t want to zzz do that.” The fly hovered a few feet away, swaying gently. In his hands he was holding a pair of tongs, within its grasp, the brain-worm wiggled around. Raphael’s eyes widened, once again thrashing in the restraints.

“Don’t you dare put that thing anywhere near me!” He screamed, his eyes were wide and he was heaving. He had gotten his control back (or had he?), and he felt nothing but anger. Of course, his internal plight did nothing to disway the bug, flying closer to him with a twitch of his head. “I’m warning you! You do that shit again and I’ll make sure to come after you first!”

“No you zzz won’t”, he held the tongs up to his head, “just zzsit zzstill.”

Raphael felt the slimey, rubber texture of the worm on his face and he almost threw up. “I’m serious- when my brothers show up you’re gonna regret this, fly-face!”

The worm held a steady course, wriggling slowly towards his ear. He could barely see it, wrinkled and gray, two black beady eyes with a sharp cone for a mouth. Raph’s body tensed up, his hands opening and closing around nothing. His eyes were wide and panicked, his breaths came out in harsh gasps, he couldn’t do this again, he couldn’t-

The worm's head dug into his ear canal, and he screamed. Its body was thick, pulsating and too hot. He was on fire. Like he’d just poured molten lava inside of his head, letting it seep in slowly. It wormed its way deeper and deeper into his skull, every passing second felt just like torture. Every inch was agonizing, every twitch sending bolts of pain into his brain. The sharp head pushed past his eardrum, bursting it without mercy, sending painful fireworks throughout his body. It was hot and sharp, pulsing and too tight, sliding deeper and deeper into the parts of his brain he’d never felt before. The tail end finally entered his head, and he almost threw up at the sensation. It felt like a rod was being shoved through his skull, into his brain, sliding, biting, crawling- and then it was gone.

The pain.

The pressure.

…

His control.

——————————

Raphael awoke in his bed. He’d been given a room by the dungeons. Plain. Nothing more than a bed and a dresser. (He knew it was because they didn’t trust him. They had him trapped under their control, and they still didn’t trust him. God, they were more paranoid than Donnie)

His eyes were blank, as always. He stretched his arms above his head, pops and cracks filling the air. It felt good, but his face was cold and blank. Finally he stood, shaking out his arms to loosen the joints. Every tendon ached, his muscles hurt, and his skin was smattered with purples and blues but Raph didn’t care. If anything it was nice, familiar.

Slash and Rockwell had escaped about five days ago- somehow, he wasn’t sure about the specifics- they’d broken through the mind control. Of course, Raph was sent to stop them with strict orders not to hold back. Slash was lucky enough to send him to the floor, giving the two just enough time to get away. Raphael had been a demon during the attack, taking every available opportunity, hitting every weak point, and he would’ve won. He was thankful he didn’t.

He had hoped they would go get his brothers. He remembered that night, locked in his room, left to deal with his wounds on his own, but he was hopeful. He thought they’d come back for him, that this never ending torture could finally be over. He waited all night. Then all day. And the next. And the next. And the next. Over and over, he went to bed hoping tonight would be the night. He told himself he just had to be patient. So he waited. And waited. And waited.

Their rescue never came.

He’s since resigned himself to this fate, but a small part of him was glad Slash and Rockwell weren’t trapped anymore. Even if a bigger part of him was jealous of their freedom.

His brain was on autopilot while he got ready, using a familiar wrapping technique with unfamiliar cloth. The last two weeks had been slow. He fought the Shredder too many times to count, and he always lost. Every fight with Rahzar, he lost. Every fight with Fish-Face, he lost. He always lost.

(The irony wasn’t lost on him. All he could do was wait, hope for a rescue, and lose to his enemies. He hated it.)

Sometimes he was sent on missions- recon, nothing more. Sometimes he got to kick some robot butt, taking all his anger out on the kraang droids. Sometimes he’d go on these missions and he knew his brothers had been there. Maybe it was a lingering smell, a wrapper from Mikey’s favourite gum, or a footprint in the dirt. The most obvious signs were destroyed kraang bots, show casing familiar cuts in the metal, courtesy of Leo’s katana’s. Or, less obvious, were the blunt marks from Mikey’s nunchucks and Donnie’s Bo staff. Every time he’d stand for a second, haunted with the knowledge that he had missed them by minutes. He was so close to seeing them again. No matter how much it hurt, he prayed that he never would- not when he was like this.

At the end of the day, id didn’t matter what he did, his night was always the same. He had to go to stupid Stockmans lab to get a stupid needle jammed into his skull, pumping a stupid purple solution into his brain until he felt woozy and numb.

It was a shitty schedule if you asked him.

He looked at the clock (the only non essential thing he had in the room), his eyebrows furrowing. He was due to start training in ten minutes, with whom, he wouldn’t know until he got there.

He looked down, unsurprised to see that he was almost ready. All he had left was the final touches. A black mask designed like his own, and the stupid pair of gauntlets that were still bloody. He tied the mask around his head with such hatred he almost ripped the fabric in half. Finally, he slid the awful yet familiar tools onto his hands, gripping the metal tightly in his palm.

He walked out of the room, slowly making his way to the training room. He pushed open the door, unsurprisingly, Fish-Face stood in the centre. The mutant had his hands together, raising one mechanical leg in the air. Was he doing.. yoga? Raph would’ve doubled over laughing, making fun of him and mocking the position if he could’ve, but whatever. He didn’t dare say anything (as if he could), and the fish enjoyed taunting him a little too much. Raph didn’t need to add anymore fuel to the fire.

“Here comes the turtle,” he mocked, grinning ear to ear. Raphael internally rolled his eyes, right on cue. “Bad sleep? Or are those just bruises from our last session?”

Raphael narrowed his eyes, but part of the action wasn’t his. He could feel his blood boiling under his skin, the anger screaming at him to let it out. He cracked his neck, holding the claws up in front of him. “Are we doing this or what?” He snapped, his face startlingly blank. Across from him Fish-Face smirked, the fight was on.

Raph would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy these sessions. He couldn’t land any life threatening hits, nor could he go for the face- but they never said anything about legs. He could kick them as much or as hard as he wanted, and a part of him knew that Leo would’ve been proud of his form. It was the small things like that which made this terrible experience bearable. Besides, he could use this to stay fit. So what if he got beat up in the process? It was nothing new.

As per usual, Fish-Face won, but not without some painful roundhouse kicks, flying back kicks, and a wicked axe kick on Raph’s part. It was during one of his jump kicks where both feet were off the ground when the stupid fish managed to throw him off balance, pinning him to the floor in seconds. He struggled, thrashing under his grip for a minute before he stopped, growling angrily. Fish-Face got off and gloated for what must've been the fifth time this week.

“Too easy. Are you even trying to fight back, turtle?” He laughed, watching the shorter man pull himself off the floor silently. “How the mighty have fallen..” he grinned, his eyes hiding something dark and malicious.

Raphael once again stayed silent, he didn’t talk back. He couldn’t. He didn’t roll his eyes. He just stared at him, blankly, waiting for his next order. He was mad, god knows he wanted to scream and attack the mutant, but he couldn’t even ball his fists. The fish sighed wistfully, enjoying this mental defeat of his personal nemesis. With a small chuckle, he began turning away.

“Master Shredder has a mission for you,” he started, walking off. Raphael, of course, followed him. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy it, after all, you’ll get to see your brothers again.” He said it sadistically, a dark gleam in his eye that made Raph uneasy. What were they going to make him do? Lead them to the lair? Kill his father? Fight his brothers, again? Fat fucking chance. He’d rather kill himself before he let any of that happen.

“What does he need me to do?” He asked, monotone. He gave no reaction to the mention of his brothers. He wanted to scream. It had been two weeks since he saw them- since he hurt Leo. Two weeks of no contact, no autonomy, just guilt and anger. He was losing his mind. But the prospect of going back.. he was terrified, what if he couldn’t break out of this control? What if he hurt them? What if he killed them?

What would he do then?

“What do you think? Find and kill your family, of course.”

Raphael’s mind seemed to go blank. He should’ve expected that answer. Of course, they’d want him to eliminate his family. They were the Shredder's greatest enemies- and without family, Raph wouldn’t have anything to fight for. He’d be stuck as a mindless slave for eternity and his brothers would be gone. Raph would’ve paled, would’ve stopped walking and punched the daylights out of that stupid, pathetic excuse of a fish, but he couldn’t. He was drowning, trapped within his own body.

“When do I leave?”

The words were strange, foreign on his tongue. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to rip out the worm, choke it out. He wanted to smash his head against a wall until it was dead, dig his fingers into his skull and pull out the carcass. Fish-Face stopped and looked back at the turtle, almost like he knew exactly what he had been thinking. “Dusk.” He said, happily. He sounded like a kid showing his parents the ’A’ he got on his English paper. But no, he was cheerfully explaining when they expected Raph to kill his brothers.

The fish turned to look at him, his magenta arms crossing over his white chest. “Don’t worry, we know exactly where they’ll be. And you’ll know exactly what you have to do.”

——————————

Raphael hated this plan.

He wanted to scratch off the foot insignia, burn his mask, scrub his face clean of any paint and blast the stupid claws with fire until they were nothing but a red hot pile of metal.

He was crouched in the corner of a rooftop- one he and his brothers frequented during their patrols. He didn’t know the details, but somehow Shredder knew they’d be here. He’d sent Raph, an army of foot bots, Fish-Face and Rahzar to confront the turtles. They were all waiting, the foot bots blending easily into the shadows, Fish-Face and Rahzar waiting for their cue somewhere else. Raphael might have been tucked in a corner, but he wasn’t hiding. (He wished he was).

He didn’t know how long he stood there with his hands sweating, his feet aching from crouching in one spot for so long, and his heart- beating so fast he could feel it in his fingertips. Then he heard it, their laughter. Raphael’s eyes narrowed but his mind was screaming turn around! Don’t come any closer! Pick a different roof- please, don’t make me hurt you!

He should’ve known it was futile. When has the universe ever been on his side?

His eyes scanned the bodies as they flipped onto the roof, noting every detail. Leonardo’s arm, bandaged from the wound he had given him. Raph noticed that he looked stressed- tired, like every step was one step closer to pulling him into the ground for good. Raphael didn’t like seeing him like this- it wasn’t the fearless he knew. Donatello was looking down at some sort of tracking device, his eyes narrowed in concentration. He held a hand up to his chin, stroking it thoughtfully. Raph knew he was tired, he was just better at hiding it. Finally, his eyes slid over to the youngest turtle. Mikey. Michelangelo. He looked the happiest out of all of them but there was still something so- wrong. He had a smile but it looked fake, he laughed, but it sounded forced. He was bouncing around the rooftop but it was too… Animated. Everything about this picture was wrong. They all looked wrong. And- god, he had to kill them.

”You got anything?” Leo asked, Raph's eyes snapped back to the eldest. Leo, who was pinching the bridge of his nose, speaking to Donnie with a tone just short of helpless.

“Nothing,” Donnie muttered, closing his eyes before putting both hands over them, digging the appendages into the sockets. He pulled them off before turning back to Leo. “We’ve been searching for weeks, and I can’t find anything! This thing is useless!”

Mikey jumped over, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t say that, D.” He said softly, patting him. “We’re close, I know it.” Raph could feel his heart breaking, his fingers twitching in anticipation.

Oh, Mikey, you don’t know how close you are.

“We’ll find him.” He smiled, but Donnie looked less than comforted. Mikey pulled away, shrugging nonchalantly. “Besides, Raph can’t get away from us that easily.”

Donnie looked at the floor and Leo sighed. Evidently, the joke didn’t land. Mikey’s tone was too forced- too happy, his laugh made Raph’s heart drop to his stomach, and he let out a sharp breath.

“Yeah, hopefully,” Donnie said.

Leo spoke up from where he’d been standing a few feet away, his eyes narrowing. “Maybe it’s just the wind, but.. did you guys hear anything?”

Raph’s heart stopped beating for a second. Had he heard him? No, there was no way, he should’ve been to far away- but then why ask that question? Could he hear the breathing, the shifting? Could he feel their presence? Their eyes, locked onto the three turtles?

“Nope,” Mikey said, popping the p. He pulled out his nunchucks, spinning one of them lazily. “But if there is anyone, we’re gonna kick their butt!”

Donnie frowned from next to him, tucking the device into his pocket. “Why do you ask, Leo?”

He watched his older brother scan the rooftop, every nook and cranny until Leo was staring right at him. Raphael’s breathing hitched, even if he knew it was dark and you could barely make out his features, you could still see his milky white eyes. A stark contrast to the black shadows. He didn’t know if Leo knew it was him, but whatever he thought was enough for him to pull out his katanas, much to the others confusion. Raph watched as a small wince pulled across Leo’s face, he was clearly favouring his right side. Raph wanted to kill Shredder. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to scream that this was a trap- that they needed to leave- but he stayed silent, perfectly still, barely breathing.

“Because we’re being watched.”

Within a second Donnie had pulled out his bo staff, his brothers switching into defensive positions within the next. All of them were looking directly at him. He watched their eyes go white, narrowing in suspicion. Leonardo stepped forward, pointing one of his Katana’s in Raph's direction. Fuck- fuck, he didn’t want to do this, he couldn’t hurt them, no, no, no no NO-

He couldn’t do anything but sit back and watch.

“Reveal yourself, before we make you.” Leo snarled. If Raph wasn’t worried for their safety, he’d make fun of the corny line, unfortunately, he was worried. Also unfortunately, he couldn’t say it even if he wanted too.

Raph felt his body standing up, coming out of his crouched, contorted position. The claws reached his knees, the steel shimmering in the moonlight. His head was tilted towards the ground, his mouth pulling into a familiar smirk. He rolled his shoulders, cracking his neck before he looked up.

His eyes were green.

“Looking for me?” He said snarkily, just enough that it sounded normal. He watched his brothers relax, before they stopped, noticing exactly what Raph was wearing.

His brown belt had been replaced with black leather, small pouches along the side containing the foots throwing stars. His wraps were all black. He wore spiked shoulder pads and arm bands on both biceps. There was black war paint on his face, two stripes on each cheek. It outlined the black mask perfectly, nothing like his signature red. He still wore his gauntlets, shiny, clean and gleaming. Perhaps worst of all was the black foot insignia on his upper left plastron. It was the best paint they had, water resistant, it shouldn't chip, it was damn near indestructible. The closest thing they could get to a brand without hurting him. To carry that mark in front of his brothers made his skin crawl in shame.

Raphael watched their reactions, horror, confusion, fear, worry, suspicion and disgust. They were disgusted in him. He chuckled. He was disgusted in himself too.

“Raph-!?” Leo gasped, his sword dropping. His blue eyes were wide with shock and horror, sputtering in pure disbelief. The older turtle took a step back, scanning the outfit once, twice, and a third time for good measure, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Yeah, you and me both, fearless.

Mikey let out a horrified gasp, his mouth hanging open. He watched his younger brother's eyes scan the outfit, his mouth slowly closing before he gulped, shifting uncomfortably. Raph saw the fear swimming in those baby blues, and it hurt. It felt like he was stabbed right through the chest, but he kept smirking.

Worst of all, perhaps, was Donnie, because his reaction was nothing short of disgusted. His mouth pulled up into a sneer, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. He looked so disappointed in him, disappointed in what happened. He knew he was worried, he knew Donnie, but god if his face didn’t twist the knife.

He found himself laughing, a dark, sadistic laugh that sounded nothing like him.

“Take a picture,” he drawled, holding the gauntlets up in front of him as he kept speaking. “It’ll last longer.”

Leonardo’s eyes narrowed. His sword held higher, his feet shifting in place.

“Raph- come on man, this isn’t you!” Mikey yelled from next to him, a desperate look in his eyes. Raph wanted nothing more than to hug him but he couldn’t. His breath stuttered in his chest, the cue swirling around in his mind. His eyes went white, now was the time.

“The old Raph is dead, he can’t stop this. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll put down the weapons to make this easier for all of us.”

Right on cue the hidden ninjas emerged from their hiding spots, quickly surrounding the three turtles. He nearly gagged, screaming and clawing at his mind in vain. He was trying desperately to move his hands, shut himself up, drop the gauntlets- anything, but nothing happened. Nothing was working. He was still here and he couldn’t fucking do anything.

The three were instantly back in ninja mode, their stance tighter, their weapons clenched in their hands.

“We’d rather die than do that.” Leo said coldly.

“Then die.”

Just like that, everyone attacked. He saw Rahzar and Fish-Face attack Mikey and Donnie. Raphael rushed forward to meet Leonardo, their weapons clanging together, sending sparks through the air. He grit his teeth, hooking the katana Leo held with his bad arm into the claws, twisting the sword out of his hand. He didn’t waste any time before kicking him square in the plastron, sending him back. He watched the foot bots rush in, keeping him distracted while Raph scanned the chaotic rooftop. Shredder had told him which turtle to kill first; the smartest. Donnie was the only one who could come up with a potential cure for the brainworm. If he was dead, well, that solved that problem. He could easily take him down, it was no hidden fact that he was the weakest fighter, even if he was probably the strongest player on the board.

Raph knew once Donnie was dead, they’d fall like flies.

He wanted to stab himself when he locked eyes with his immediate younger brother, currently fighting off Fish-Face. He dodged attack after attack, managing to land a few hits of his own. Raph would’ve been proud, if he wasn’t terrified.

Logically, he knew this wasn’t their first fight, that his brothers were great ninjas, but there was something different. This time, there was no hesitation, no worry over the serum failing, no qualms about taking a life. Instead, it was replaced with bloodlust and the solid belief that Raph was under their control.

“Oi, Xever!” Raph barked out, holding the gauntlets out to his side. Fish-Face looked back and smirked, he grabbed Donatello’s Bo staff mid swing, using the momentum to throw him in Raph’s direction.

Donnie landed with a solid thud, but was immediately back on his feet. He swayed, clutching his staff with both hands. He could see the slight tremble in them, the hesitation in his form. Donnie didn’t want to fight him, he could tell, but he didn’t have a choice.

Raph grinned like a shark, wide, nothing but teeth and malicious intent.

He chuckled lowly, “Come on Donnie.. drop the staff. Fighting back is going to make this so much worse.”

He wanted to punch himself in the face.

Donnie was scared, but his gaze hardened. “No thanks, I quite like my odds actually.”

Raphael shrugged, smirking. “Suit yourself.”

The next thing he knew, he was lunging at him, swinging his blades at his face. Donnie ducked, and it was back and forth from there on.

Raph would swing, Donnie would duck. Donnie would retaliate, trying to sweep his feet out from under him or knock him off balance, Raph would avoid it. Their dance was familiar, but this was nothing like training in the dojo.

He could see the sweat on Donnie’s face the longer they fought, he could hear the grunts and screams from the battle around them, but he never relented.

At some point, Donnie managed to knock off his right gauntlet, sending it flying somewhere behind them. Raph cheered in his head, but he knew his luck would only last for so long. All it would take is one mistake, and Donnie would be done.

Across the rooftop, Mikey screamed. Donnie had been in the middle of attempting a hit to his side. The white eyes immediately snapped back to Donnie’s reddish brown, scanning the roof to find their little brother. He was distracted, and Raph ripped the staff out of his hands, sweeping it under his feet before he could even blink.

Donnie hit the ground with a thud, looking back at Raph before he managed to push himself up. Raph looked over him, hitting the button he knew would release Donnie’s blade. Donnie was scrambling backwards, trying to get up. He could hear Leo shouting in the distance, Mikey’s pained cries, the sound of something snapping, but all he could see was the fear on Donnie’s face while he stalked towards him.

“Raph- Raph, come on man, don’t do this,” he begged, his voice shaking. Raph took another dangerous step forward, his face blank. He raised the weapon, slashing it down. He was going for the face, but Donnie’s left arm came up to block it. Raph watched the back of his forearm get cut open, he heard Donnie’s yell. He paused, and that was just enough time for Donnie’s legs to shoot out, kicking him back with a surprising amount of force. He dropped to a knee, watching his brother scramble back, getting to his feet quickly. He held the bleeding arm to his plastron, covering it with his other arm. His breaths came out in short puffs, god, there was so much blood-

Raphael growled, throwing the staff to the side before he tackled his brother to the ground. He managed to get on top of him, straddling his stomach before he started punching him. He landed blow after blow after blow. His face, his neck, his arms, his chest- wherever he could reach. Donnie cried out with every hit, trying to cover his body as best as he could.

“Raph- stop-“ he gasped, before another punch connected with his cheek. He was shaking under him, staring at him with terror filled eyes. He couldn’t hear the fighting anymore, all he could hear was the sickening smack of his fist connecting to Donnie’s flesh.

“Raphael-!”

Another punch.

“Please- stop-“

An elbow to the nose, a loud crunch filling the air.

“Raph-“

A punch to the arm.

“RAPH!”

A punch connecting with his temple.

“STOP IT! STOP-“

A hammer fist to the chest, slamming it down as hard as he could.

“Please..”

Raph ignored the broken sob, grabbing Donnie’s head with his right hand. He pulled it up, locking eyes with his younger brother before he smashed his skull into the ground.

Donnie stopped begging after that.

He didn’t know how much longer he spent beating the shit out of him, what happened to the rest of the fight, or what happened to his other brothers. He did know that after a while he paused, his chest heaving, his mind blank with horror. He stared down at his brother and almost threw up.

Donnie’s face was mangled, his nose was busted, and there was a pool of blood under his head. Both of his eyes were swollen, his lip split open, and he had a cut above the purple mask. His entire face was almost unrecognizable. Even worse than what happened with Slash. Bruises were already showing up on every inch of his skin from the face down. His arm was still bleeding, he was pretty sure he broke some of his ribs.

He sat there, breathing heavily while Donnie groaned under him. He raised his fist again and he watched Donnie flinch weakly, whimpering. The sound broke Raphael’s heart.

“R-..aph..” he stuttered out, trying to focus his eyes but they were spinning, everything was spinning. “S-top… you-you’re hurting m-me..” He inhaled sharply, coughing. He could’ve been crying. Raph couldn’t tell with all the blood.

“Raphie.. p-lease, please…”

Raph almost cried, the hatred he felt for himself was so strong he almost threw up. Except- he was actually going to throw up. He stumbled off his brother, dropping a few feet away. He was holding a blood covered hand over his mouth, it filled with saliva and a horrible red hot pain shot from his head to his toes. He gagged, his eyes watering at the sheer force of it before he was retching. Something was coming up, but it wasn’t his dinner. He gagged again, dry heaving for a few seconds before he felt something thick in his throat. Choking and coughing, it took a few seconds for it to come out. He shivered, gasping for air as he looked down.

There lied the worm. His eyes widened, his hands twitching- he was hyperventilating. He didn’t hesitate before he brought his gauntlets down onto the bug, slicing it up before smashing the remaining body with his fist. He didn’t stop until it was mush and tears blocked his vision. That’s when he heard his brothers voice, but it wasn’t Donnie.

“Raph..?”

He snapped his head up- Mikey, oh god-

He looked horrible. His nose was busted, and he was holding his left arm. It was bent the wrong way, probably broken. He limped towards him, fuck, he probably had a broken leg too-

“Mikey..” he choked out, stretching a hand out towards his younger brother. He got up, rushing over before he gave him a long hug, careful not to aggravate his wounds too much. He knew he was covered in blood, he could feel it, but he didn’t care. Mikey was alive- hurt, yes, but alive. They didn’t kill him. He pulled back, staring at Mikey with a heartbroken expression.

“Fuck- Mikey, I’m so sorry.”

Mikey’s eyes were wet, and he brushed the tears away with a small sniffle. He gave him a weak grin, less fake than the one he had on earlier. “It’s okay dude, you were totally being controlled by that worm thing.”

Raph choked, holding his brothers good shoulder. He brought his other hand up, realizing with horror that he still had the gauntlet on. He immediately took it off, tossing it to the side. With that out of the way, he brought the hand up to cup his brothers cheek, gently stroking it with his thumb.

”I’m so sorry little brother,” he said quietly. Mikey leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. Raph almost broke down into tears right then and there, but managed to restrain himself. He leaned forward, touching their foreheads together. Mikey reached his good hand up to grab the hand on his shoulder, hiccuping softly.

Eventually Raph pulled away, but before he could even think about what to say, Mikey was already talking. “You should probably check on Donnie, dude,” He sniffed, stepping back from Raph with a small wince. “You- um, got him pretty good.”

Raph stopped, his eyes widening. He mentally chided himself for forgetting about the brother he just beat up before he was turning around, rushing over to Donnie. He wasn’t sure if Mikey followed. He barely made out the figure of his older brother sitting next to the mangled body before he collapsed, his hands hovering over the bloodied chest.

“Donnie, oh god,” he choked, pulling his hands back like he got burnt. “What the fuck did I do?”

You can also find this on Ao3 :P