Are They Really Your Best Friend If You Haven't Been Accused Of Dating Them?

what if i got a tv or movie script and changed the name to make a class 1-A sitcom?

WAIT IMAGINE-

interviewer: so who do you think the spy is?

mina, in the confession booth: okay idk but i got this new manicure last week and OH I FOUND A DOG-

Having a food allergy is so wild because what do you MEAN I can sense that there is peanut in this food when it doesn't say that on the menu? Oh it was cooked in peanut oil? Well I can still taste it and I will have a reaction if I keep eating it so-

Now would be the perfect time for Les Miserables: a Muppet tale, to start production.

Shouta: What is your biggest weakness? Vigilante Izuku: I can be uncooperative. Tsukauchi: Okay, can you give us an example? Vigilante Izuku: No.

Steph: got concussed to the point of now having brain damage but her parents didn't believe her so she ignored it until she fell down 2 flights of stairs because she had no coordination as a result of brain damage.

Duke: broke his hand and walked to the hospital then got chased by the police wondering why they were out late. They got to the hospital, and he had two too many bones in it because two of then snapped in half.

Batfam but as my stupidest injuries PT IDK but it's definitely too many parts

Dick: had a seizure and woke up long enough to look his professor who was on the phone to 911 right in the eyes, said "NO HOSPITAL" then passed put again

Jason: broke his toe and ignored it, only to ram it into a door a week later and make it worse

Tim: faints so often that he got really bored of it and made a bet that whoever caught him the most wins 100 dollars

Damian: sprained his wrist tripping up a stairs case then a few months later did it again on the exact same staircase

Bonus Tim: took a gravol for the first time to sleep on a roadtrip, had a bad reaction that made him high out of his mind and he proceeded to sob for 45 minutes about Brokeback Mountain before falling into the deepest sleep he's ever been in

My favourite part about working in hospitality is having to inform people that yes if it's in the title, it's in the meal.

Customer: does the tomato bruschetta have tomato in it?????

Me: 😀 no it doesnt- OF COURSE IT HAS FUCKING TOMATO IN IT. 🤗🥳🧍‍♂️🐬🌈

I am once again, asking for life to stop.

Amen except my sister uses weaponised incompetence against me l. She is exactly like my mother, just smaller. Honestly I just want to leave.

I think about this post an average of 3.7 times per day.

If I could I’d take my siblings and fucking run and the parents wouldn’t see or hear from us again.

Sit and think about the repercussions of your eldest daughter-who you’ve always praised for her intelligence, sharp tongue, and gall- being fed up enough to take from you.

My friends will hear me slowly incorporating this into my vocabulary

shorthands for dumbassery that i have grown to love deeply

"how dare you say we piss on the poor" in response to someone misinterpreting your post

"_ isnt gonna fuck you" for suck up behavior

"woah. should we tell everyone? should we throw a party?" for who the fuck cares

"and what if the world was made of pudding" for when would this ever matter.

"and sharks are smooth both ways" for a group of people heatedly arguing with 1 guy who is fucking with them all

".. but its about a witch in the alps finding her lost cat" for someone trying to sanitize something to the point of absurdity

Unfortunately, I have done this.

Hey students, here’s a pro tip: do not write an email to your prof while you’re seriously sick.

Signed, a person who somehow came up with “dear hello, I am sick and not sure if I’ll be alive to come tomorrow and I’m sorry, best slutantions, [name]”.