New Project!!

I did my best to be lovable.

At this rate, they'll find me dead in my room any day now. And the worst thing is that nothing in their lives would change in the slightest.

that felt amazing to do, it hurt a little bit since I destroyed my safe space that I could rant to. But I have friends that are worried for me- my therapist is too- and I don’t want to actively be recording my downfall.

next up, my likes :(

update

I will be deleting all forms of ed and Ana shit on my account today, it’s time to commit to recovery. Even if that means getting rid of my save space

I thought that I was better

I genuinely thought that I was getting better, that I was moving on from my past. That I wasn’t the same 83 pound ball of depression and suicidal thoughts. But now I can realize that recovery isn’t a liner line, it’s a wave that has high highs and low lows. Some days it’s be a high, while others are a low. I may be depressed and doing things I shouldn’t do, but I’m not starving myself and I’m not cutting myself. And for me that’s a win. Yes I’m hurting in other ways, but I’m not bleeding and I’m not skin n bones anymore. I have scars that show I lived and I’m 105.8 pounds now. Technically I’m still in the bmi underweight category but not by much. I’m at a happy weight. And while yes sometimes I forget to eat, and others I say that I don’t deserve to. That’s all a part of my recovery, it might not be how others recover as each and every person handles things differently. All forms of moving forward- yes even the ups and downs- are a valid form of healing and progress. It shows that you are strong and kicking whatever it is that you are facing in the butt.

Sorry that this was so long, I’m on day three of not sleeping and needed to get this out. Good night or good morning, I hope you all have a lovely time. -3rat

1/28 day

on Tuesdays I have an early start to my day as my first class starts at 8:15, im one of the first people to get there however so that I can review any notes from the class before and so that I can answer my emails. my class went by soooo slow today, it ended early though so that's a nice change. normally we end at 9:20. I had time to go and grab a small breakfast, and as much as id like to skip breakfast ive got a busy day ahead of me so I needed some calories this morning to keep my blood sugar up.

the only downside about going to my colleges cafe is that they don't say how many calories are in what they serve :(

anyway, I had a quick FaceTime with my mom while she was a work to talk about my finical aid since that fuckface of a president that we have now decided to freeze all federal aid to colleges. we think that I should be ok for this semester but next year will probably be a struggle. this summer to hopefully save some money im going to be working full time, and even then I won't have enough saved up.

after breakfast I'll be having a meeting with student success to talk about how the start of my semester is going and to chat about possibly starting tutoring. I'm struggling in my history class since all the professor does is talk and doesn't give us anything to study/ take notes on.

after that meeting I don't have class until 2, which gives me time to work on some reading for another class.

‘You should only send hearts to ppl you’re romantically involved with’

WRONG! BOUNDLESS PLATONIC LOVE, WARMTH, AND ENTHUSIASM BE UPON YE!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

update

Yay my labs are done so tonight I got to use my new pack of blades:)

Tw sorry lol

man I would love to slit my wrists rn but I can’t since I have to get labs done in a few weeks and I know that they won’t be healed by then. I might just go it on my tights tho but that’s an awkward place to me yk

The longer you’re clean the worse the relapse

Late night walks hit different when u feel empty and suicidal

I feel this but with family/friends :(

I want love but I don't want to have to beg for it. Please love me too. Please acknowledge me. It's like you don't want me here anymore...are you better off without me? Is everyone better off without me?...