I Don’t Know What’s Funnier.. The Baby Elephant Chasing The Birds, Or When He Fell And Ran To His

I'm just waiting for the day when just being me is enough for someone...

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April 3rd, 2015 

The day my idol retired from the WWE

I wish...

It's times like these where I wish my brain would just shut down. I wish that it would just stop thinking, completely.

I constantly have thoughts running through my brain. Sometimes they are conversations, sometimes dreams, a lot of times they are irritating songs, but mostly they are mistakes, judgements and regrets.

Recently, the one thing that runs through my head, at night when I try to sleep, is something Leonard said to me recently. I know it's stupid to keep bringing him up, but it bugs me. So basically, I guess he was in an arguing mood because I received a random text, about something that I sent him weeks ago. I think I wrote about it. About not feeling inportant to him because I wasn't on some stupid blog he wrote. Ironically, he is mentioned in tons of my blog posts. Anyway, he texted me passive-aggressively, asking why I would even want to me there. But this led to something bigger. I told him that I didn't feel like I was important even though I've been there for him since we started at college. When his brother and his brother's girlfriend fought, I was there to talk him out of a panic attack, when he was broke, I bought him lunch and made sure he got home safe. When he just needed to vent about absolutely anything, I was there to listen. So why was I not important when clearly he was so damn important to me? He then decided to choose some random nickname that was in the post and told me it was me. He hasn't called me that name since the first semester in our first year at college. But he's called other people that name, so how was I supposed to know that was me?

I wrote another long note, well text, explaining everything I felt, how much he had hurt me, how it felt like he replaced me with someone else. There are two statements from his reply that run through my head. The first being "You're just jealous, I don't understand why" and "You're being selfish. You just want me all to yourself".

I never said I was jealous. I said I was hurt. I told him I felt like I was being replaced because I was supposed to be his best friend and he never spends any time with me, but he spends all his time with her. A lot of people said he just spends time with her because they smoke together. On the the other hand. I've never smoked a cigarette or weed or anything. I tried a vape once. Only once. So maybe that's true. But it kinda feels like he just threw me away because I have no use to him anymore. She drives him wherever he needs to go. So no more uber, which means he has money for printing and lunch. So I don't need to buy him things anymore either... But I was never jealous. Just hurt. I was just like a phone to him. I served my purpose, but a new one, with better features came along, so now I'm just left aside or thrown away...

It's funny. I never thought I was selfish. Ever. I mean look at I've done for him. Look at all I do for other people. I have a heart for people and animals. I do everything I can for people. Maybe that's why I get used and taken for granted. I never wanted him all to myself. Ever. I knew that he felt it was his purpose to meet, connect and help people. I just wanted a small bit of his time. I wanted us to finally go camping because he mentioned that in first year, but we never did it. I wanted him to finally take me up on my offer to see a movie or try out a new restaurant. He constantly tells me he has plans with other people or has seen the movie already. For once, I wanted to plan something with him and finally do it. But it never happens. I just wanted to see him outside of college, when he's relaxed and happy. But it never happens... Does wanting to spend time with my best friend really make me selfish?

Learning More About Myself

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that someone can mean the whole world to you, but you will never be that important to that person.

So, I am a Cancer, an aquatic star sign. We are known for being caring, to the extent of motherly. My emotions are also heightened. When I feel things, I feel them to the extreme. I also get attached to people really easily and crushes don't really feel like crushes, they feel like a messed up form of love. Unfortunately I also feel things like hate, anger, disappointment and depression to the extremes. That's why, if someone is important to me, I try to put them at the top of my list. I will do almost anything for them.

This is what makes things difficult. I will put people first in my life, do anything to help them and avoid fighting with them, but when I was younger, sometimes this wouldn't work, and I would get angry and sometimes, thankfully not a lot of times, this would turn into a small fit of violence. I say small because it would be a storm out with a slamming door or one punch, or a slap and then it's done.

I kind of feel like this turned into calamitous relationships as I grew up. I would have friends that would end up leaving me or kicking me out of their groups in high school because I was either too shy or too loud. My relationship with my family was worsening as I started to fall into a depressive state. Things with friends in school started to feel so uncertain all the time and to make it worse, I had had my heart broken for the first time by some douchebag I knew and had a crush on in primary school. He knew this and in high school took advantage of it. He told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, but we only ever had an online relationship. (I went to an all girls high school) So I never considered it my first real relationship or him as my first real boyfriend. We "broke up" because he hated that he never saw me. About a month or so later he wanted to try again, but the very next day told me his ex-girlfriend wanted him back and dumped me.

This started a long journey of depression, self harm and an extensive search for affection from the male species. I guess that search started a long time ago though. I mean, I spoke a lot about how my dad kind of isolated himself from me and stuff...

So you can say I kind of have parent issues. I never really had a mom. I mean I only knew her for about nine years of my life. She was rock for those nine years. After she passed on, my sister tried to be the mother figure in my life. When my dad isolated himself from us, my brother was there to fill the gap. My brother and sister are also a lot older than me. 11 years and 7 years respectively. This helped the process as they were old enough to take me to doctors and fill out the paperwork or sign my homework books and write me sick notes. They would drive me wherever I needed to go and buy me whatever I needed. They were pretty much my parents for most of my childhood and teenage life. Without them I have no idea where I would be right now.

It was hard, I didn't have a mom. I had a dad who who gave up on being my dad and then a brother and a sister who tried their best to fill the gap... But I think things were also harder because I didn't really know how to talk to people about things. I still don't know how to talk to people about things. Even though I trust tons of people, I constantly feel like if I tell them things, they'll give up on me or judge me. It's too hard and it feels too risky.

There are things about myself that I am certain about:

1. I find it very hard to tell people anything.

2. I hate relying on other people and asking for favours (Unless they are my family), sometimes I'm even to shy to ask someone for directions in a mall...

3. I get attached to people really easily. This also means I am hurt by people easily.

4. I struggle to understand my place in people's lives. When someone is really important to me, I make sure they are happy. But then I also assume that I am important to them and expect to be treated as I treat them. Obviously other people won't... Also, just because they are important to me does not meaan I am important to them.

5. I feel things really deeply.

This is still the best thing ever

He’s just got your best interests at heart.

I have two moods: 

1. Starve until I die

2. Binge until I cry

Step 1,2 3…. But, the best self defense is awareness.

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he didn’t think i was pretty. forget enough; try not at all. it is a sobering truth to learn. how do you react when someone knows every inch of your soul and doesn’t fall in love with you, even just a little bit? i don’t know how you come out of that without a slice in your heart. i don’t know how you just… pick up and move on. i look at myself in the mirror. really look at myself. and i feel a stone drop in my stomach, because no, i never thought i was pretty before. but i never thought i wasn’t, either.

he didn’t think i was pretty - oakflower (via oakflower)