“There Comes A Day When You Realise Turning The Page Is The Best Feeling In The World, Because You

We are like two bubbles. We exsist in the same universe. Sometimes our paths are pretty close. But when it all bursts, we won't even know the other exsists...

💖😢

Rugrats was deep.

Yup. This is me in a nutshell

i’ve been having a rough day for about 5 years now

I am trying...

So recently I posted about the situation I am having regarding my former best friend...

I guess you could call this post an update. But it's more just me and my feelings. I guess.

So yeah. He's still going through things. But I feel like it's getting better for him. Because he seemed happy today. He's lucky... I've been having a few bad days recently.

So on Saturday (today is Monday) I messaged him. I told him I miss him. Three simple words, but they have so much meaning. It was true. I did miss him. He's never at college anymore and when he is, he never talks to me, we never hang out. So I miss him. We don't even text anymore.

He replied with "I feel like people don't understand me or how to deal with me". Thanks... Like, everyone wants to hear that after they tell someone they miss them... I didn't get it. Like if that's what you're gonna say, maybe it would've been better if you didn't reply at all... I needed my best friend. This last week was really hard, but I'll explain that in my next post...

He then asked me what people actually want from him. I told him that I didn't know, but explained that I just wanted my best friend back. I wanted to feel like I was still important to him. I wanted to go back to having 3am weird conversations and comparing our knowledge of superheroes and anime. I just wanted him in my life again. But I guess that won't happen because he just replied with "Wow..."

That's when I realised it. I realised that I wasn't important to him anymore. That I wasn't a factor in his life. He acted so normal today. Well, from the way he acted around everyone else. I decided that I needed to act normal too. Like everything was okay.

Usually. I use my college campus as a sanctuary. A place where everything is normal and I can get away from the drama that is my family and home life. However, now I can't run because the problem is on campus. So instead, I pretend. I hang out with all my other friends. People who actually care. When I spoke to other people about this they told me to just forget it. That it wasn't worth it. I knew this already, but hearing it from other people made me realise how real it was. How much I actually had to do this.

At the end of last year I started to feel like he was just using me. When he was broke, I was there, paying for his Ubers and buying him lunch. He wouldn't even say thank you. He would just take the money or the food and hang out with other people. When he couldn't print his assignments, I was there with my inkjet printer. And when I had no ink I would run and print at a printing house. But I never received a thank you for that either... I never expected him to pay me back for any of this (which he hasn't) , but I atleast wanted to feel like I was appreciated.

He blamed me for a lot. He said that the reason he never wanted to be around me was because I give a lot of negative energy. Ironically I was negative because of him. I was negative because he would ask me for all these favours and never return them or even say thank you. I was also going through a lot with my family. My aunt and uncle are always fighting or complaining. My brother and sister are never home, so their anger gets taken out on me... All the complaining and fighting and anger, I put up with that...

Funny enough, he has a lot of negative energy these days. I'm trying to stay positive. This is our last year in college. I need to make it count. So that is why I decided to let him go. Completely this time. I feel like I'm stuck in a routine. I tell myself to let him go and leave him. Stop being there. But then I see him and he looks like death so I give in and try to help him. He pushes me away and I give up, only for the process to start again in a few days. So now. I need to do this. This isn't me giving up on him. This is me giving him space and wishing him well, but putting myself first.

The pain of letting go won't be as bad as the pain I felt trying to stay...

“I feel myself shutting down, closing off, like I should tell people, ‘No, we don’t use this heart anymore. It’s too fragile.’”

— Courtney C. Stevens

For frustrated WWE Fans...

Indy wrestling is IMO the best it’s been in years, and there’s plenty of great promotions that offer quality matches and story telling. Some of these links are paid subscription services but I believe they’re worth the investment or at the very least, a trial. Also some of the YouTube pages are unavailable outside of the US but a proxy should work. 

PROGRESS: https://demandprogress.pivotshare.com/ + https://www.youtube.com/user/progresswrestling

What Culture Pro Wrestling: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAl6NLC0tnubiCMzYXawG3g

Ring Of Honour: https://www.youtube.com/user/ringofhonor + http://www.rohwrestling.com/membership

New Japan: http://njpwworld.com/ + https://www.youtube.com/user/NJPW

Lucha Underground: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaVwpbqM8dkhQvbL8XileAA

Shimmer: http://shimmerwrestling.blogspot.co.nz/p/dvds.html

PWG: http://www.prowrestlingguerrilla.com/merch/

World Wresting Network (streams Evolve, Shine, Dragon Gate): http://wwnlive.com/

There is more to wrestling than WWE, and I wanted to share some alternatives as I know being a WWE fan can be so frustrating. Give indy wrestling a chance in 2017.

Please feel free to add to this.

I just wish I could stop thinking sometimes...

I overthink, a lot, about everything.

I guess it's normal, sometimes. Sometimes I go back to conversations that have happened before. I analyse everything that was said and I think of every possible thing that each statement could mean. I think of everything that the other person could think I was trying to say. Then eventually I think of something and it makes me feel like the worst person on the planet.

Sometimes I try to stop myself from thinking about something because I know it will make me depressed. So intead I go to my happy place. Funny enough I think of wrestling. I have my perfect moments picked out already. My character. My debut match on NXT. Winning the NXT Women's Championship. Debuting on the main roster and winning the RAW Women's Championship. And finally, being the first female Superstar to main event Wrestlemania. I know these are all dreams, and they probably won't come true, but I think about this all the time anyway. I replay these moments all the time because they make me happy. I think about them to make sure I don't think about something depressing.

I recently found two things that depress me the most. One of them is a conversation that hasn't even happened. It will probably never happen. It's with Leonard. I think, that I probably only think about it because a part of me wants it to happen. In the scenario he actually wants to talk to me. He's himself again and he wants to talk to me because he wants us to be friends again. In my mind I switch. In one timeline I take him back and we're friends again. We're happy. In the other I tell him everything I ever wanted to say. I tell him how much he hurt me over the past year. I put up walls, which I have actually started building in real life, and I move on from him. I think this is the best option if this coversation ever happens. Either way I end up crying. No matter which timeline I follow. I cry because I know that either way, I'm going to end up hurt in the end...

The other thing I think about that makes me depressed is my parents. So I haven't really spoken about my family, but basically, I have one brother and one sister. We're closer than ever because all we have, is each other. My mom passed away when I was nine years old. My sister was in her final year of high school, my brother was in his third year at university. I just remember her feeling sick; taking her to hospital; the nurses refusing to let me see her because I was "too young" to go into the rooms; finding out about her cancer; seeing her on her birthday; getting a call in the middle of the night; and saying good-bye to her... I sucked, everything about it sucked. I feel like I never really even knew her. I just hear stories about her from the rest of my family.

The story with my dad is different. Even though I grew up with him in my life, I never really felt like I knew him. My dad had a severe stroke when I was about fve years old. He started to detatch himself from everyone else and isolated himself from even our family. As I grew up he started to close himself off from us more and more. It got even worse when my mom passed away. But I always had my brother and sister... We stuck together through it. It made us closer. Soon we didn't even see my dad for meals. He would come out to fetch food while my brother and sister were at work and I was doing homework. He would take the food to gis room and eat there. I never really understood how bad it was. I was kid. To me, this was normal, this was life. I only really understood it when I got to high school. My friends would talk about their dads and I realised that my family was not normal. I would visit their houses and realise that mine made my family look poor and dirty even though we weren't.

When I was in Grade 11, I realised things had to change. I spoke to a few people and I realised I wanted a dad again. I wanted to have a relationship with him. So I started to try. I started with simple things like recording wrestling and asking him to watch with me. He would sometimes, but he would forget that I hadn't seen it and spoil matches for me. Sometimes I would be mad (Undertaker vs Lesner *cough*). I would ask him to sit and eat with us. Most of the time he said no. But I still tried. I would sit and try to talk to him about anything. I never really felt like I got through. But it worked sometimes. Two days before my final high school exams started, my brother and I were about to go out and buy food. When we were about to leave we said "bye" to my dad and he didn't reply. I remember seeing that he was struggling to breathe, so we sat with him and he started clutching his chest. We were trying everything, but he was having a heart attack. I was calling everyone I knew. Every aunt, uncle and cousin, even my church pastor because I had no idea what to do. But it was too late. I had watched my father pass away right before my eyes.

I've never really spoken to anyone about this, but I felt like it was an important part of this post because I think about this. I think about how I never really knew my parents. Everytime I mess up, no matter how small it is, I feel like I'm letting them down. I hate this feeling, but it's there. I never really know how to feel. Because even though I never really knew them. I still miss them. I regret that I never really had a childhood where they taught me how to ride a bike or make cookies. I never really had a chance to even talk to them and I hate it. I know that with mom I never had the choice. But with my dad I had a chance and I never took it. So I regret it. I constantly overthink every moment I had with my dad. I think about how I would change it and how I would try to make things right. I would do better in Maths and Science and try to make him proud because I pretty much failed those subjects...

I constantly wish that for a moment I could turn my brain off and find some peace, but it's almost impossible. So I try to think of better things. Good memories, like sitting at the dining room table and talking to my mom while she writes in a notepad. Or watching RAW while my dad says it's turning into a soap opera and hates on Seth Rollins. Sometimes I even think about those conversations I had with Leonard about why he loves Batman. Then I realise none of these things will ever happen again. So I get desparate for happiness and I think of myself at the end of Wrestlemania holding up the Women's Title. It's dumb. But it works. I still cry, but I cry tears of joy because that would be me, making history at Wrestlemania. For a few minutes, I am okay. I allow myself to think until I find something to distract me from my thoughts.

Epiphi-tree

Okay yes, I know it's a silly joke from the Simpsons and it's kinda bad because this post is actually about something pretty important, but I couldn't resist a Simpsons joke...

So today I realised just how bad my generation is, well not bad, just they kinda live in a bubble. I was born in 1997, this makes me 20 turning 21 this year and part of the "Generation Z / Post Millinals" generation.

A bit of a background on Gen Z. So Generation Z are the first generation to be born into technology. Meaning that unless the Gen Z member was born before 2000 they probably don't know what a floppy disk or VHS is. Basically they are the first generation to not know a life without technology. Generation Z are also, according to research, very health conscious. So they hardly drink or smoke. They eat healthier and go to gym (just research. I don't know anyone my age like this though). Apparently some countries even have non-alcholic gin bars, to cater to generation z.

For me, life was kinda different to what I researched above. I played outside wearing my dumb fairy/butterfly wings. I would sit and do puzzles or colour and draw when I was bored. I read tons of books and my cartoons were all recorded on VHS tapes so I could watch them over the weekend.

The only cartoons I watched on actual tv were at 5pm. This was usually Winx Club, Yu-Gi-Oh or Dragonball Z. Pokemon if I was lucky. I often had to choose between channels. My family received our first dvd player when I was nine, it was a prize my dad won calling into our local radio station. My favourite dvd was actually the first one we bought. The Little Mermaid.

When I was 12, I received my first cellphone, more like took my brother's old one and found a random sim card in it. It was one of those old Motorola flip phones with a radio as a special feature. Yeah. They promoted the radio as a feature on the phone. For a long time I didn't know how it worked or what I could do with it and the only messages I received were from the service provider. I would record my favourite songs off the tv or radio to play them off the phone while I was in the garden or in my room or the kitchen.

When I was 14, my sister's boyfriend at the time introduced my family to the internet and wifi. Teenage me was hooked. We had a 5mb line, which at the time was incredible. And my sister had a laptop which she constantly left at home, so I could use it. I spent days on youtube and using google for anything and everything.

Okay. I got a little sidetracked on memory lane. So the point is that I feel like it is time for Gen Z to put down the devices and stand up straight. Learn more about the world around you. I am a apart of the first few members to be entering the workplace soon. It is said in articles that employers feel like generation z is lazy and entitled. It's time we learnt more about our environment and how things like tax and politics affect us. Don't be afraid to read about news that isn't celeb gossip. Go a day or two without looking at your phone. Read a book and actually turn the paper pages. Talk a walk and look at what is around you.

I'm saying these things because I noticed that when I hear people on my campus talk, the words constantly used are "I" and "me". "What does this have to do with me?" "Why must I do this?"

Unfortunately as a young adult, many things now have to do with you or us. Life isn't about which celeb just had a kid or what the cute guy in class did anymore. Things like voting for government parties now affect us. Changes in minimal wage and tax or vat now affect us. Our actions also now affect more than just us. When working for a company one day if a mistake is made, everyone involved in that project or function is blamed and has to fix it.

It's time to realise that things in the world can affect us. Working hard is a real thing and needs to be done. Things won't just be handed to you in the world. It's time to see that we can actually affect the world with our actions. Whether it's a small change or a big change our actions can affect it.

It's time to pop the self centered bubble and walk into the real world...

This is for the Best

So, if you've read the last few posts. I'm sure you've already guessed what this post is about.

I've decided to give my former best friend a pseudo name. I'm sure it's kinda hard keeping up with my previous posts without a name. I think I'll call him Leonard as he actually reminds me of Leonard from Big Bang Theory...

I guess that things have been okay since I posted last. It's just that I'm pretty much just trying to keep up with things at college. Which is good. It's given me the distraction I need. I need to be constantly distracted these days. It's weird. I mean I feel fine, but as soon as I see him, my mood drops and I feel like I don't know how to act or react anymore...

Leonard seemed fine today though. A little psycho and a little on edge, but fine. He started talking to a few people today. People, not me, other people. He doesn't bother himself to even greet me anymore. I said psycho because well, he came to college without shoes today. So that's new. It was kinda weird, but maybe it's part of him finding himself. I mean, I'm in place to judge. I went to college in high waisted shorts and black sneakers with "Love" written in a ribbon...

I still found it kinda weird. The whole "no shoes" thing. I mean college is no place to be walking around with no shoes. I've seen people spill way too many things on the floor. I know it's not clean. But hey. It's his choice. It's all been his choice. I realised today that I don't deserve to have to beg to be in his life. At the end of the day. He chose to kick me out. In a way, maybe I should've seen this coming, I mean considering everything that happened last year, I was thinking of cutting him out of my life, so why would it be surprising that he cut me out of his?

I realised that this might be a good thing. I mean, he gets whatever he wants, space from me or whatever he shouted last time I wanted to talk. I, however, get something greater. I get a new identity. Before, people just knew me as "the girl that always hangs out with Leonard". Now I get to be my own person, form my own identity before I leave college. This is good for me. I don't only have an identity based on him. I get to have friends that aren't just friends of his. I finally have friends of my own. Some of those friends have also given up on him... Just like I have.

I feel like this is what's best. That instead of seeing this as losing someone close to me, I finally see it as an opportunity to find myself again and be the person I want to be. Not who everyone expected me to be as his best friend...

Missing Someone

You know that feeling? It's like a deep ache in your chest and every time you think of someone, it's there. That's how I feel. I feel like I want to make everything better. But for selfish reasons. I want to fix everything so that I can have that person back in my life. When I think about it. I know that it's not possible and that's what hurts the most...