“I Feel Myself Shutting Down, Closing Off, Like I Should Tell People, ‘No, We Don’t Use This Heart

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I wish...

It's times like these where I wish my brain would just shut down. I wish that it would just stop thinking, completely.

I constantly have thoughts running through my brain. Sometimes they are conversations, sometimes dreams, a lot of times they are irritating songs, but mostly they are mistakes, judgements and regrets.

Recently, the one thing that runs through my head, at night when I try to sleep, is something Leonard said to me recently. I know it's stupid to keep bringing him up, but it bugs me. So basically, I guess he was in an arguing mood because I received a random text, about something that I sent him weeks ago. I think I wrote about it. About not feeling inportant to him because I wasn't on some stupid blog he wrote. Ironically, he is mentioned in tons of my blog posts. Anyway, he texted me passive-aggressively, asking why I would even want to me there. But this led to something bigger. I told him that I didn't feel like I was important even though I've been there for him since we started at college. When his brother and his brother's girlfriend fought, I was there to talk him out of a panic attack, when he was broke, I bought him lunch and made sure he got home safe. When he just needed to vent about absolutely anything, I was there to listen. So why was I not important when clearly he was so damn important to me? He then decided to choose some random nickname that was in the post and told me it was me. He hasn't called me that name since the first semester in our first year at college. But he's called other people that name, so how was I supposed to know that was me?

I wrote another long note, well text, explaining everything I felt, how much he had hurt me, how it felt like he replaced me with someone else. There are two statements from his reply that run through my head. The first being "You're just jealous, I don't understand why" and "You're being selfish. You just want me all to yourself".

I never said I was jealous. I said I was hurt. I told him I felt like I was being replaced because I was supposed to be his best friend and he never spends any time with me, but he spends all his time with her. A lot of people said he just spends time with her because they smoke together. On the the other hand. I've never smoked a cigarette or weed or anything. I tried a vape once. Only once. So maybe that's true. But it kinda feels like he just threw me away because I have no use to him anymore. She drives him wherever he needs to go. So no more uber, which means he has money for printing and lunch. So I don't need to buy him things anymore either... But I was never jealous. Just hurt. I was just like a phone to him. I served my purpose, but a new one, with better features came along, so now I'm just left aside or thrown away...

It's funny. I never thought I was selfish. Ever. I mean look at I've done for him. Look at all I do for other people. I have a heart for people and animals. I do everything I can for people. Maybe that's why I get used and taken for granted. I never wanted him all to myself. Ever. I knew that he felt it was his purpose to meet, connect and help people. I just wanted a small bit of his time. I wanted us to finally go camping because he mentioned that in first year, but we never did it. I wanted him to finally take me up on my offer to see a movie or try out a new restaurant. He constantly tells me he has plans with other people or has seen the movie already. For once, I wanted to plan something with him and finally do it. But it never happens. I just wanted to see him outside of college, when he's relaxed and happy. But it never happens... Does wanting to spend time with my best friend really make me selfish?

This is for the Best

So, if you've read the last few posts. I'm sure you've already guessed what this post is about.

I've decided to give my former best friend a pseudo name. I'm sure it's kinda hard keeping up with my previous posts without a name. I think I'll call him Leonard as he actually reminds me of Leonard from Big Bang Theory...

I guess that things have been okay since I posted last. It's just that I'm pretty much just trying to keep up with things at college. Which is good. It's given me the distraction I need. I need to be constantly distracted these days. It's weird. I mean I feel fine, but as soon as I see him, my mood drops and I feel like I don't know how to act or react anymore...

Leonard seemed fine today though. A little psycho and a little on edge, but fine. He started talking to a few people today. People, not me, other people. He doesn't bother himself to even greet me anymore. I said psycho because well, he came to college without shoes today. So that's new. It was kinda weird, but maybe it's part of him finding himself. I mean, I'm in place to judge. I went to college in high waisted shorts and black sneakers with "Love" written in a ribbon...

I still found it kinda weird. The whole "no shoes" thing. I mean college is no place to be walking around with no shoes. I've seen people spill way too many things on the floor. I know it's not clean. But hey. It's his choice. It's all been his choice. I realised today that I don't deserve to have to beg to be in his life. At the end of the day. He chose to kick me out. In a way, maybe I should've seen this coming, I mean considering everything that happened last year, I was thinking of cutting him out of my life, so why would it be surprising that he cut me out of his?

I realised that this might be a good thing. I mean, he gets whatever he wants, space from me or whatever he shouted last time I wanted to talk. I, however, get something greater. I get a new identity. Before, people just knew me as "the girl that always hangs out with Leonard". Now I get to be my own person, form my own identity before I leave college. This is good for me. I don't only have an identity based on him. I get to have friends that aren't just friends of his. I finally have friends of my own. Some of those friends have also given up on him... Just like I have.

I feel like this is what's best. That instead of seeing this as losing someone close to me, I finally see it as an opportunity to find myself again and be the person I want to be. Not who everyone expected me to be as his best friend...

Yup. This is me in a nutshell

i’ve been having a rough day for about 5 years now

Step 1,2 3…. But, the best self defense is awareness.

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It's scary because sometimes we can feel like we're so far a part from someone that we live on different planets. But if we look outside, up at the sky we, we're still looking at the same sky...

I love this so much... ❤❤❤

Pro Wrestling is amazing.

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To the Underdogs 

the Giants

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and bleed for us

Sacrificing their bodies

and their lives

To give us highiest measurements of joy

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to provide you with moments you’ll remember forever.

I'm learning to Accept Things...

So recently my best friend has been going through some things. But because of these things he isolates himself, he keeps telling everyone he's okay when we can clearly see he isn't. I'll admit that over the past year we started growing apart. We both just kinda started hanging out with different crowds, but I wanted to try and keep the friendship. I never wanted to lose him. But the fact that he's going through all that's happening to him is hurting him and he's keeping it all locked away inside his head... I feel like it's changing him and I don't like the person he's becoming. I want to hold on to who I remember him being so badly. But I don't see that person anymore. So here is what I'm starting to accept. I accept that he's pushing me away, even though I want to hold on. I accept that the person I see every day is no longer my best friend. I accept that I don't know who he is anymore. I accept that he needs time to deal with everything. I accept that I need to wait for him to decide if he still wants this friendship or not. I accept that maybe I'm not important to him anymore...

Sorry for the long paragraph. This is just something I need to get off my chest...