I Am Happy I Say, Then I Say It Louder And Happily To Those Around Me In Hopes That Perhaps If I Could

I marvel at the mess our life is now. We used to be perfect even when we didn’t have enough, even when we didn’t have anything. We were a family and that’s all that mattered. Now, we have pushed the pictures off the walls, we are breaking down the pillars, walking over shattered glass, bleeding and staining everything we touch. We are drifting apart all while staying together. We wish we weren’t a family, we don’t think we are. It is miserable being tied to people you don’t quite love anymore. We don’t see eye to eye anymore, we can’t talk without raising our voices, we don’t listen to our hearts trying to speak above our voices and everything we once cherished together, is now broken and empty. Our rooms are always kept shut and we reside, locked away from each other, by heart and at home. I tried, so hard. I rearranged the pictures, painted flowers over the cracking walls and pillars. I am holding onto every single one of you despite being pulled in different directions but it’s all shattering now. I wonder, if it is perhaps time, to finally let go...

© Raina Rose.

Maybe I'm in a daze, not completely awake, but if I could be anywhere in the world right now, I'd be there with you...

© Raina Rose.

I think I'll always love him. You can argue, like spring and summer, the seasons are bound to change. But baby no, this will always stay the same.

I think I'll always love him. You can fight this war a million ways, but this is a battle I've chosen over and over to stay.

I think I'll always love him. You'll tire your routine one day, look, he's not even looking your way. That's true, he'll tire of looking this way, that's why my heart says, we won't let him lose his way.

I'll always love him but no he won't stay, that's okay, I've been here on my own anyways...

© Raina Rose.

The Essence of Time

Time is defined as an indefinite continued progress of existence and events of the past, present, and future regarded as whole. How wonderfully ambiguous is that?

I’ve not known another person more bothered by time than myself. Maybe, because I lost plenty along the way, I started running alongside it, trying to jump onto the next thing before whatever was before was ever done. And maybe, I didn’t care, as long as I could run and keep up, it didn’t matter. But how does one run without failing and falling? I set myself some of the most absurd and unrealistic expectations in life and I’ve come to understand why it’s been so difficult, why I’ve struggled so much with pretty good results and absolutely zero satisfaction. Maybe finding that answer was perhaps the best thing I have ever done for myself and it’s crazy because it’s something I have always known, it’s common sense, and yet I’ve been ignorant.

A professor who is very close to me once said that I had a void that needed filling and every time it was empty, I sought something or someone to fill that space. It sounded presumptuous, completely ridiculous and at that moment, even though I listened to her, I did not quite take it to heart or mind at all. Because it’s so much easier to believe that we are without faults, that we are not the reason for our own downfall and imperfections. So, I let myself believe what I needed to, that I did not have any such voids in my heart that needed filling. The thing is, she never told me where this void was, so why did I believe it was in my heart and not my head? Because I knew better and I’ve always known, that I have been a little more broken and empty, but it hurt to admit that aloud, let alone be told by someone who knows me a lot less than my best friend. It only makes sense for her to be wrong even though she was completely right.

So, I let that fact slide even though every single time I made another mistake or close to one, needed something more than calls and texts, every time I couldn’t differentiate a friend for something else, I remembered my void. I tried filling it with music, with gardening and books and poetry and sleep and every damn thing I could get my hands on. But I’ve been just about broken as I was and maybe there is no fixing this. Maybe, sometimes, you can’t fix everything and that’s okay. Maybe you’re not supposed to fix everything. And sometimes you need to tell yourself whatever helps you sleep better at night, right? It bothered me a little too much and once I started acknowledging my void, I started to realize I had tendencies; things I did because I thought I should, things I believed defined my existence and gave me purpose. And these things that have been hurting me were things I did to myself, things that have tortured my very soul were of my own doing. And I’ve had a hard time letting them go, but no, it isn’t a perfect fix because I don’t know how to fix myself or anything broken about me. I don’t know how to put myself back together without tape and glue that showed I’ve been broken before and scars and wounds that won’t heal sometimes so it always looks like I’m fighting a war on my own. I don’t know it all but I am trying.

It’s like this, for as long as there is soil and water and sun, plants will grow even when the pot may be broken. It’s amazing how they thrive even in the most excruciating weather and maybe I grew so accustomed to the weather and conditions that I let my survival depend on constant fear, pain, and paranoia. It’s been frightening that even when everyone let my reigns go, I couldn’t lose control, that I had to keep running and chasing the next thing without letting myself breathe. And I’m worn out, I’m exhausted so I slept every waking hour of my life these past few months. The irony of that sentence… 

I did, I slept every moment I got enough time to breathe, because I didn’t want to think anymore, I didn’t want to care anymore, I didn’t want to interact or exist. I just needed to stop running, and sleep. I was tired of time and how it never seemed exhausted of chasing it’s own tail over and over again every day. So, I took the clocks off my walls, I stopped wondering when the morning sun settled into afternoons and when the moon came up to greet the evening sky. I simply did not want to think about the time that was running out, I wanted it to stop, I needed time to standstill with me. Because I couldn’t go on anymore. But what was I running out of time, is something I’ll never know, but it was the feeling of losing faith, wasting days and precious hours that’ll never quite come back. I was getting older by the hour, and I hadn’t done that which others may have and I was in this insatiable competition with absolutely no one and I was exhausted. I gave up.

In sleeping to forget how the world moved on without my presence, I missed quite a lot. I missed all the quiet mornings I used to wake before the world where I had coffee and was alone with my thoughts and words. I missed the many sunsets that colored the walls of my room in deep shades of amber. I missed the smell of my books, the kind of subtle hints of fresh print and maybe a little bit of mint that tells you just how old the pages were. I missed the way my pen felt in my hands when thoughts flowed and turned into words on every page of my journal. I missed losing the voice in my head and when everything got really quiet every time I sat on my own at the park, mesmerized by the million lives that unfolded around me where I existed enough but not too much. I missed the rain and how cold it got with every breeze and watching the raindrops trickle down my windowpane, it was simple yet fulfilling. I missed things that made me, me. In running alongside something I could never control, I lost control of the things I had. The world seems different now that I’m awake but the chaos that existed within seems to have subsided. For now.

I got so consumed with a lot of things and maybe I’ve forgotten how to breathe. I chased that which I couldn’t have in hopes of avoiding a void I knew I couldn’t fill. I let myself believe otherwise, and I’ve looked away from my shattered pieces for a long time now that I don’t quite recognize my own reflection anymore. I’m learning, still growing and maybe I am broken, and maybe there’s nothing I can possibly do to fix that. Maybe the time I’ve come to hate so much will never change for me, maybe there will always be a void in me even when I’ve had much to love and do. But in this very moment, I’ve learnt to live with my void. That’s the only thing that matters, not time, but this moment right here. Stay in it, dwell within this moment and everything that’s to unfold will eventually happen but this moment will never come back. This moment here is all that matters and that is the essence of time.

© Raina Rose.

You're the song I wish to fall asleep to every night. You're the song I listen to on repeat and never tire of. You're the song that keeps me company even when I'm crowded by a thousand. You're the kind of song that makes my heart flutter. You're the song I know every lyric to by heart. You're the song that gets me excited just by having the music come on through a melody. You're the song that makes me smile even when I can't. You're the song that makes me fall in love all over again. You're the song I'll dance to dressed in white with the one I've loved, for I've loved you...

© Raina Rose.

Where did you come from, I'll never know. What you're doing to me, I'll never understand. How did you get this close, I didn't plan on it either. When do you intend to go, I don't wish to know...

Stay,

© Raina Rose.

"It was an extremely normal day and I decided to ruin it by walking down his street. The sun was setting and I could see the lights turned on in his room. I sat by the pavement across his house and drifted into another world. I was sad, I felt empty since he left but seeing him every now and then bought back memories that made me smile in pain. How do I not glisten beneath the sun, my very own sunshine. I heard he was alone again, I didn't want a relationship, let alone one with a broken heart. I just needed to steal another glance to paint a picture of love, or what it meant to be loved. My eyes were heavy but little did I know the day had barely begun..."

© Raina Rose.

Maybe I don't understand, not everything, that'd be a lie. For only you'd comprehend your feelings whole and sometimes even we can't understand what we feel, so to say I completely understand would be a total lie. But I do know, what it feels like to wanna be up, to give up that sleep and be invested in a conversation, to risk being sleepy the next day than to sleep and surrender all that could have been. I've been there, those sleepy days may feel terrible but every moment, every conversation of that night keeps me smiling and lifted through the day. Sometimes, there's even a glimmer of excitement hoping for the same the following night.

© Raina Rose.

I've ran from you for the longest time, rerouting, changing every course of action, planning, doing and undoing myself a million times in hopes I'd never have to see you again. But after 4 years, there you were, resting amidst the peaceful scenery, shadowing over me, taller than ever, my worst fear came alive again, right before my very own eyes, as we drove past you that night. They don't understand the fear I hold within myself everytime we meet, it has only ended in destruction. Your aisles and walkways were lit dimly as the evening sun set in, all the colours eventually blending into one, yet with all the breathtaking beauty, no one will ever know your darkest corners the way I do. I dwelled in them for the longest time, letting myself suffer without knowing your intentions. I was ruined. A thousand reasons and excuses but I'll always know it was me, it was my mistakes and wrongdoings that led me down the black hole. Amongst my walls and shelves filled with pride and beauty, you and I put together, will always be my greatest disappointment, simply heartbreaking. Wounds and scars I thought were healed, now bleeds through the night, getting rattled by your memories. Morphine, codeine, prescript me something I should intoxicate myself with to forget you, because no matter what I do, all these pain and endless thoughts are fighting the last of me. With every avenue shut, and nowhere else to run, I hope and pray, may I never seek refuge in you again...

© Raina Rose.