NSFW Jeff?

Can I use that for roaches as well? 🕷️❤️😘🥰😍🤭😂🤣😅😁☺️😳😉😋🥳👀👉🏻👈🏻

Tumblr seems to do targeted advertisements now. Or maybe that was just a coincidence that they are providing an ad for meat seasoning right after I posted about a cannibal seasoning their meat of choice. "The taste their meat craves" They even got the garlic I just talked about. Very fitting. Meat seasoning for cannibals. How neat. At least we now know the perfect christmas present for any cannibalistic friend you have.

I would never eat you though, @consult-sherlockholmes! You're practically just skin and bones! 🕷️❤️😘🥰😍😇🤭😁☺️😳😉😋🥳🤣😂😌🙂🥺💯👀👉🏻👈🏻

I just cut my dick off, and it's bleeding a lot... What do I do, doctor?

Uh, cauterize it?

I see. Good Omens is included in the fandoms you write for, yes? And are Harry Potter and BBC Sherlock also included?

Do you also do match ups or only fanfics?

Do you mean match ups between readers and characters or two characters? Either way, I'll admit I'm not familiar with this, but why not!

*suddenly wonders if they know enough characters to do that and keep it varied*

Crack Scenario: The Trix seeing Palladium's pre-evolution form

I know the true nature of his 'evolution' is unclear in canon, so for this little scenario, I'm going off of the HC that it's a spell

So imagine this: The Trix are attacking some fairies in one of Palladium's outdoor classes. Of course, Palladium is fighting them off while his students get to safety. Then, something happens (maybe Darcy casts a certain spell) and Palladium's evolution spell breaks

The Trix, for a moment, are silent, in shock. Then they just start RIOTING

Like:

"OH MY WITCHES, LOOK AT HIM, HE'S A GODDAMN TWINK"

"HE LOOKS LIKE THE KIND OF GUY WE'D SHOVE INTO A LOCKER, I CAN'T"

"I JUST CAN'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY"

Then they either decide to finish beating his ass, or they just straight up leave, because they're not beating up this little shrimp of a man when there are goody-two-shoes fairies they can torment

While on the singing topic can you do hc/scenarios of Slender raising his child figure (maybe they became a father/child duo from being a mansion resident for so long) with singing or piano lessons bc I imagine him being so old he that he would teach her a “proper” hobby that’s been around for centuries. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense but I love the way you write cp characters😭

I went with piano~ I hope you like it~

It happens quite often that when they aren't working that the residents of the mansion will get bored, and as the father figure of the mansion, he likes to do what he can to get them interested in new hobbies and activities.

When he finds you wandering around his music room one day, utterly bored, he can't help but offer to teach you how to play something. When you say you've always wanted to learn piano, he's quite excited, and he pulls you over to the piano and sits you next to him, beginning to explain the basics.

The two of you end up meeting a few times a week to continue your piano lessons, and you begin looking forward to them. He's a very kind and patient teacher, and he's always finding something new to teach you about music.

As you begin getting better, it's also common for some of the other creeps to sit in and listen to you as you practice your piano melodies. Slender is just so proud of how good you've become, and he praises you frequently for your skills. Eventually, he begins performing duets with you on the piano, and the two of you have such a fun time together.

You

Summary: Your husband, Severus, finally introduces you to his colleagues. The Hogwarts staff.

Pairing: Severus Snape x Female Reader

A/N: I feel like I forgot some people.

In the previous and last staff meeting of the year, the headmaster announced the schedule for the Annual Staff dinner.

This commemorated the end of a successful school year and the hopes for more to come. They were always encouraged but not required to attend the festivities. Your husband, Severus, would often stay for an hour before leaving.

This year, however, he vaguely inquired about inviting a guest to the castle.

A phenomenon that didn’t happen quite often and one that Dumbledore wasn’t lenient to grant. This sparked their intrigue and excitement. They were quite eager to meet you. They hoped it was you. The one that puts a smile on their Potions’ Master’s face.

To no surprise, the headmaster stated that any guest of his was welcome to join in the festivities.

Especially if it would encourage him to interact longer than what was professionally deemed necessary in a setting that was not the Three Broomsticks, Hog’s Head, Grimmauld Place, his office, or the high table in the Great Hall.

That’s why you were home, in front of your mirrored wardrobe half naked, unable to decide on what to wear.

“How about this?” you turned, black robes at hand, “Yes? No?”

“You’ll look splendid in anything, darling, in fact,” Severus said, from the bed admiring the sight of you. “I quite like what I see at the moment,”

He smirked.

His eyes locked on you in a haze of desire. Your cheeks heat up as he slowly walks over. His hand reaches out to gently brush a strand of hair away from your face.

“Severus,” his lips dangerously close to yours, your heart racing, his scent enticing, your hand gently pushing him away, “We shouldn't,”

“Why don’t we put that away for a moment?” His warm breath against your cheek sends shivers down your spine, your defenses crumbling as he puts the clothes away, leaning toward you, "Hmm?"

His lips are tender on yours as he pulls you closer. His eyes searched yours in consent, and you surrendered to his heated touch. Your arms wrap around his neck as you lose yourself in his embrace. His robes were warm and soft against your bare skin. Your nose gently nudges his. Closer. More. You silently pleaded. His hands roamed every contour and curve of your exposed skin.

His clothes needed to go. Now.

——————————— 🪄———————————

In the end, you’d matched his outfit. In black robes, and shoes, except for your jewelry in platinum and a scarf in your house colors.

“You were of no help,” you said, after apparating outside Hogwarts grounds’, “No help at all,”

“You love me,” he laughed, you pouted as he showed you in, “Yes, I do,”

In the castle halls, Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall caught the sound of his laughter. Their eyes turned to the bridge where their Potions’ Master walked side by side with a lovely woman.

“It’s time,”

In the spirit of celebration, their staff room was tastefully adorned in Hogwarts’ colors. Each color was distributed in a way that one was not as prominent as the other. His colleagues were absorbed in their own tasks as the two of you entered.

There were three women by the fire, punch at hand, talking. One you recognize as the Head of Gryffindor House and Transfiguration Professor, McGonagall. By the punch table, there was a small man you know from description as the Charms Professor, Flitwick, and a huge man, Hagrid. The remainder, however, were unfamiliar.

“Severus, so glad of you to join us, my boy,” the Headmaster entered from an office within, “Who is this lovely lady with you?”

“Someone you all wanted to meet for quite some time now,” Severus remarked, as he pulled you closer by his side, “My wife,”

“Oh, finally!” one small but lively woman, head full of curls, approached you, “You made quite an impression, dear,”

“We have never seen Severus so chastised,” Professor McGonagall joined the throng, “It was the highlight of our days,”

“Oh please,” Severus huffed, as you glanced at him and said, “I would’ve thought you’d open that Howler in a more private setting,”

“I was told Howlers shouldn’t be left waiting,” he justified, and sighed, “Imagine my guilt upon opening it,”

“You made up for it quite well, Sev,” you smile, his body relaxes, “Though, I hope outings like those wouldn’t need much incentive to be done,”

“I’ll do my best, my dear,” he sighed, and said, “Ah, apologies, formal introductions.”

His colleagues, Professor Hooch, Sprout, Pomfrey, Flitwick, McGonagall, and Trelawney greeted you in their way. They were very pleased to meet you and whisked you away once your husband was distracted by the headmaster for their short inquisition about your marriage.

To which you happily recanted for them because Severus was a private man and kept information about you to the chest.

It takes him an hour to escape the clutches of the Headmaster and return by your side. With the ladies by the fireplace, thoroughly exposing your husband’s romantic side to them.

“I simply cannot imagine Severus doing such,” Sprout chuckled, “Then again it is you, not us,”

“What are you talking about?” he menacingly came up behind you but no one was intimidated, “Darling?”

“Do you remember that trip to wizarding Paris?” you said. It takes him only moments to recall. His cheeks to the tips of his ears quickly flushed then he hid his face in your hair, “Dear god, please tell me you didn’t tell them that,”

“No, not exactly that,” you giggled. His arms securely wrapped around your waist, “But a more censored version,”

“We’re going now,” he insisted pulling you away from them as they laughed and you squealed, “Severus!”

“You are all menaces,” he pointed to the women as they stifled their laughter, turning to you, “And you are the worst of them all,”

“I love you,” you teasingly grinned, as he sighed happily taking your presence in, “And, I too,”

They briefly stared in awe at your husband’s admission. That’s how much you can get in public but in private he never hesitated to tell or show you his love. Their stares changed to smiles as he wrapped his arms around you. Your hands on top of each other’s above your stomach, rings twinkling in the firelight as you both warm up to them.

It was the first and only time he ever stayed the whole duration of the Annual Staff dinner.

...Now I really wanna sniff an ahpeloria virginiensis. Thanks. Are there any such awesome awesome critters running around in Germany somewhere by any change? I know that it's being said that theraposidae like the phoneutria and lycosidae like the sparrasidae appearantly wandered to Germany. But so far, I had no luck finding one unfortunately.

do millipedes spray cyanide? i relocated a couple while cleaning my yard and now i'm mildly concerned

the millipedes that release hydrogen cyanide release it as a gas. these include various flat-back millipedes, although there’s plenty of flat-backs that just use a benzoquinone-based fluid defense chemical, which is what many other common millipedes produce (including the round-backed juliforms one often finds in the yard). in either case, you’d need to swallow a millipede for it to do you any great harm.

Apheloria virginiensis is one local to me, and I am guilty of picking them up when on walks in the woods to smell the cyanide: it’s a fragrant scent of almonds or cherries.

cyanide-producing millipedes, since their defense chemical is gaseous, really can’t hurt you unless you’ve already ingested the millipede or are like huffing dozens of them, which would both be probably be actions deserving of consequences.

other millipedes’ liquid chemicals usually just smell foul, like burning rubber. most millipedes under 3-4 cm aren’t going to pack much of a toxic punch at all. some of the larger tropical species in the Spirobolida and Spirostreptida can cause caustic burns if it isn’t washed off soon with detergent or if you have very sensitive skin. I’ve harassed plenty a Narceus and gotten some yellow, later dark purple stains on my hands, but that was the extent of it.

Slender Brother Headcanons

-They are German(Because the first ever ‘picture’ of Slenderman was taken in Germany). Just imagine Slenderman going off on long tangents in German when angry. -Splenderman insists on monthly picnics/outings in human form. The other three aren’t crazy about them because they’re busy and Offender thinks he’s too macho and cool but they all go anyway because they cannot say no to Splender. Mostly because Splender is bloody terrifying when mad. -Trender and Offender are twins. -Splender loves Death Metal. It pretty much shocked the living fuckery out of Offender and Trender when they walked in and discovered Splender listening to it really loud through his earplugs. Slender was just calmly-and smugly-knitting in the armchair next to him. -As different as they all are, they care about each other AND IF ANYONE TOUCHES SPLENDER THEY DIE. -Trender likes to dress the other three up. -Slender and Offender love Disney and get together weekly to watch some. Trender and Splender are just nice enough to keep their secret. (Slenders favourite is Cinderella and Offenders is Tangled) -Whenever anybody tries to bully Trender, they expect the other three Slenders to get angry but quickly find out that Trender does NOT need protection… -Only Slender is allowed Proxies. The other three would be way too stressful… -Slender. Mansion. Prank Wars. (Imagine with me, Jeff hiding under the house with a bucket over his head because Trender threw Slenders tea in a harbour somewhere and Splender made condom balloons and L.J PLEASE COME QUICK SAVE ME) -They often listen to each other’s thoughts. Except Offenders thoughts. No one wants to listen to that. No one.

(I have more! Ok, here we go~) -Most would think that Slender gets along best with Trenderman, no? Because they could both sigh and shake dissaproving heads their silly brothers but nope! Slender gets along best with Offender. They often get together to talk about their victims and Slender usually does very well with holding Offenders leash when they go out and Offender is very good at getting Slender to have a little fun. -Trender is very tolerant of his brother’s antics, so he doesn’t really mind when he goes out with his siblings and it ends up with Splender covering everything with glitter, Offender having to be restrained and Slender hiding. Mostly because Trender is a very good actor, he just pretends he doesn’t know them. -They are each from a different time(Ignoring the fact that Trender, Offender and Splender are all merrily parodies of Slenderman). -Slender does drugs sometimes(He is a very stressed man, having to make sure none if the other, more reckless Creepypasta’s aren’t caught) -Whenever a Non-Creepypasta guy attempts to hit in or flirt(Innocently or not) with a Creepypasta Girl(Jane, L.Jill, Candy Cane, Clockwork, Judge Angel, Nurse Ann, Sally…ect) Offender hates it and will always put a stop to it(Most girls get angry with him over it because MAYBE THEY WANT A BOYFRIEND or THEY CAN PROTECT THEMSELVES) and he gets absolutely furious when said Non-Creepypasta guy ever tries to hurt one of them…Whether this is because he actually has a soft spot or he see’s them all as his no one knows, they just know that Jane ain’t getting no boyfriend any time soon.

This is one VERY GERGEOUS girl! 🕷️❤️✨

hearsey's owl moth (brahmaea hearseyi) | ofmoth_andflame on ig

And me! I like flies! 🕷️❤️🥰😘😍😌☺️😉😁✨💯🥳🤤👉🏻👈🏻

Hi Jim! Did you miss me?

- @consult-sebmoran

Again? You drop and pop up like flies.

Which is perfect for someone like me.