Only 5 Seconds

i called up the jerk store and asked if they had you in stock. They said they actually have way too many of you because nobody wants to buy you. You may think this is a compliment or a silly little reversal, but you would be wrong. The man on the phone explained that despite your significant overstocking at the jerk store, nobody wants to buy you because you are simply too much of a jerk. You are too much of a jerk for the jerk store. That is the point of my annecdote. Anyway, the divorce hearing is on Thursday at 4:45. Yeah in the morning.

“youre obsessed with yourself” and youre not??? sad. tragic.

Jerking off any%

okay i ruined your life but did you not have fun? exactly relax

hate when people are like "trust your gut! listen to your intuition!" like okay well my gut is telling me every person i lay eyes on is hunting me for sport and my intuition is saying i should find a secluded cave and live there forever so what do you suggest i do with that information

self care is actually getting in fights with randoms in dark alleys

dont unfollow. youre pregnant and it’s mine

no homo but the deer in headlights look you got going on is doing it for me

please will someone save me. haha im just kidding. please can i be saved