TW: Selfharm

TW: Panic attack.

The internet describes a panic attack as a brief episode of intense anxiety, which causes the physical sensations of fear.

If you search on the Internet for: panic attack symptoms, it gives you a list of potential physical symptoms you may experience during one.

• pounding or racing heart

• sweating

• chills

• trembling

• difficultly breathing

• weakness or dizziness

• tingly or numb hands

• chest pain

•stomach pain or nausea

The first time I was aware I was having a panic attack I didn't realize it in the moment but rather a bit afterwards.

We had come home, I don't remember from where. My mother and brother were arguing, my brother made her mad. I know she was walking towards him but I felt like she was walking to me. I was so scared. I entered my room, sitting down against the closed door.

I began crying. I couldn't breathe and I just kept on crying. I was hysterical but quiet.

I could feel my heart racing, I was panicked. I thought I could never calm down again.

I tried to calm myself but to no avail. I continued crying. I was shaking, I was so scared.

I believe the constant crying and the uneven breathing made my chest hurt.

Something hurt.

It wasn't anything I'd recommend. I was afraid and couldn't seem to calm down for a while. I was hysterical crying. No one came to check on me, asked me how I am. No one cared.

I just realized that I forgot almost everything about this one fanfiction.

It was about two (I think teenage) boys. They were both gay (obviously) and they used to have weirdly explicit intercourse. One of the boys wasn't out or wasn't accepted by his parents and the other lied and said he was. At some point the first one ran away from home and lived partially with the other. At some other point they also got caught by the second one's parents (or one parent) and turns out they're not as accepting.

I don't even remember the end. Was there an end? I don't remember the names of the characters, the name of the fic and not even the platform I read it on. I am devastated.

Does anyone know this fic?

Respect your elders but it's saying nightcore and not "sped up"

School, school is terrifying. I hate school but I need to go there, per law.

You, you're there. I love you and school isn't as terrible when you're there, with me.

Me, I am lonely without you. You're the thing keeping me going.

Without you, without you I cannot live. A year and a half ago I was all alone. Alone in a school where I didn't really belong with anyone, because you weren't there, you were sick.

A life, a life without you seems impossible. How could it be possible without your incredible presence in it? Your jokes keep me going every day.

Not one day, not one day goes by that I'm not afraid you'll be sick again. Leave me alone again. Not come to keep me going for weeks on end.

I'm not sure but somehow I've started to depend on you too much. I love you even though I could never say it to your face, I'll love you through all sickness and sadness. I love you, I love you, I love you.

To you I say this, don't ever leave me I beg of you.

Tw: sh

Self harm is a struggle I've been over, I tell myself.

Knifes are in my room and there's nothing off about it.

Knifes are not the reason people get hurt, someone always had to hold the knife.

A scalpel, a box cutter, I'm an artsy type of person. I like being creative.

Is it intrusive thoughts, that keep asking me to cut, or is it the child I once was, that demands I keep cutting as long as it will bleed.

Scars fade, but I can still see them.

Is that a reason to cut again, to renew old wounds.

I didn't stop because it hurt, I didn't stop because I got help, I stopped because of shame.

Why shame, why not something sweeter. Why not the caring touch of my mother?

I've never talked about it to anyone, why would I.

There's nothing to talk about. I don't have a self harm problem.

I'm over that.

Brown, your eyes are brown. Your eyes are the most beautiful I've ever seen, brown. Your eyes are brown, they shine when I look at them.

Brown, your hair is brown. Brunette, your hair is beautiful. You tell me you don't wash it enough but I don't care. Your hair is brown, brown like the earth itself. Your hair reminds me that I too can express myself however I want.

Brown. You're my friend, a dear friend. Your jokes make me laugh and I love to see you happy but when I think of losing you my world gets dark. If I think about losing your smile I seem to get consumed by thoughts of death, why can't you be normal.

Brown, the most beautiful color I've ever seen, only because you're in my life.

Fandom is so different now and it’s becoming un-fun with how quickly shit moves.

I just want to enjoy things. I don’t want to have to play a game of Artist-Race that seems to be afoot lately.

Ya’ll eat up fandoms, leave artists and writers bone dry and then move on so fucking quickly then fucking wonder where all the Good Fandom Stuff is.

Idk Maybe cherish some things for longer. Reblog stuff. Interact with people. Comment and share.

Fandom is Capitalism now and I’m not being nuanced.

Imagine wearing your hair back, like here's my forehead I guess...

I was dreaming about watching the first episode of good omens season 3, an episode that does not yet exist. This episode was great and I really liked it. I made the entire episode up in my head and when I woke up I realized that this was not good omens but a figment of my imagination. I was disappointed, devastated. Of course I'll like the episode, I made it up!

So how was your day?