Henley Monday - 

Throwback Thursday -

TBT to that one time that Benedict Cumberbatch wore a SHERLOCK HEMLOCK T-SHIRT somewhere in public. Sometimes I worry when we idolize certain celebrities that they take themselves so seriously they don't have any sense of humor about it. This picture is empirical proof that this is not the case with Bramblewood Crumplepants. What a good old sport.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone! I hope you're pulling through as best you can today. I'll keep it short and get straight to the henley point: How adorable is Martin Freeman here? Can you even handle it? I barely can.

He is every bit a classic, charming off-beat and insanely talented Brit who brings great joy to me in all his roles. He brings great joy to me here as well in such soothing blue tones with a cheeky little grin. Thanks for the pick-me-up Martin!

The Bachelor - Episode 10 Recap

The Women Tell All

Juan  Pablo’s turbulent season of the Bachelor has moved along at quite the clip. Why, it feels like just yesterday we were eagerly anticipating Juan-uary, blissfully unaware of what a horrendous douche bag Juan Pablo would turn out to be. But here we are at the Women Tell All, one week away from a finale that I’m hoping ends in heartbreak for this guy. I often find this episode to be the most difficult to recap because it is either just a recap itself, or it is so dialogue heavy that it’s hard to pick and choose which quotes make it. And tonight is promised to be a brutally honest show-down between the women and Juan Pablo.

I can’t wait.

Chris Harrison opens by acknowledging that JP is a controversial and divisive Bachelor…and then we cut straight to tromping out Sean and Catherine to catch up about their wedding and their sex life. I care not! I love them, but I care not of their marital bliss!

UUUGGGGHHHH and then we cut to a fully bearded Chris Harrison interviewing another high profile celebrity couple: Miss Piggy and Kermit. It’s all part of their escalating publicity campaign for Muppets Most Wanted that comes out this month.

Ok finally we are at the women. They are all there and looking beautiful. We jump right into a video package of all them talking about how sexy and suave Juan Pablo is, and how he’s attractive because he plays soccer and dances.  I feel like it’s baiting them into explaining why they now think he’s a jerk. `Which they do gladly. It becomes a gigantic pile on of how and why he was maybe not the best guy to try to be in a relationship with.

Andi starts off the dog pile by saying that yes, Juan Pablo was very attractive, but after a while you need something more than a pretty face to sustain a relationship. Danielle, the one they tried to make us forget chimes in that all their conversations stayed very surface level. Lauren S., the awkward and shy music composer, also adds that he would always say “What do you want to know about me?” but never really asked about her, which other women vigorously nod their heads to agree with. “It gave me the impression that he was just not interested,” concludes Lauren S.

But then to switch debate team sides, Renee is there who felt genuine love for this man. She chalks it up to the fact that they were able to bond about their children and parenting which is very deep and not surface level. Ali interjects that Renee, however, did express frustration that their conversation couldn’t get past Ben and Camila. Cassandra, the other mother (who’s deep plumb lipstick I COVET), agrees that they so often didn’t talk about anything other than their kids.

“When you date someone, you connect with someone and you know about their past and you know about their childhood. You know about what pizza they like and what their favorite color is! I don’t think he was asking those types of questions,” Cassandra says, making a really awesome point. Kat says that any time she tried to steer the conversation that way it got weird or shut down.

Then Ali jumps in the dog pile saying, “He asked me where I saw myself in five years. And then the next conversation we had, he asked me where I saw myself in three years, and I was like well pretty close to that five year mark!”

And then we hit kind of the only stumbling block between the women that we get all episode truthfully. Lauren again expresses that she felt he was really hard to connect/relate to and it frustrated a lot of the women how he seemed so “checked out”. To which Kelly, Dog Lover and Dispeller of Discerning Wit, replies “Ok, so, Lauren in the house you were acting very different than you’re acting now. You were very into him. In TEARS in Korea.”

“I was emotional because I was deciding if I either want to move our relationship forward or leave,” retorts Lauren.

So Chris posits this to Kelly, “Is a lot of this just sour grapes that Juan Pablo didn’t pick them?”

“I think so, “ Kelly responds. I agree that is probably the case for some of them, but I do also think that the cold water shock of getting back to reality and not the Bachelor Fantasy World probably made them realize that guy was not the best.

Despite everything that happened between them at the end, Andi does come to his defense a bit. She defends that he was there “for the right reasons”, but that his end goal was different than theirs. He wanted to get a “girlfriend” that after everything was over he could figure things out with, but the women came there for a husband.

And here’s another weird thing about this season. There is usually a villain to rail against: one woman who was the source of all the drama, all the negativity in the house, who must be tromped out on stage to atone for her sins. But there isn’t a woman this time. It’s the Bachelor himself.  Chris Harrison, ever on my side, agrees that he has never been part of a Women Tell All quite like this one.

Next we’re going to pile on to Juan Pablo for having a set of cockamamie rules that he changed whenever he felt like it in regards to kissing. Kat feels like it was confusing. Kelly thinks he used Camila as an excuse for the chemistry not being there.

“He didn’t say ‘Camila’ whenever he was in the ocean,” she says. BOOM. Kelly! Please host your own show!

Renee comes in to defend him a bit with his choice not to kiss her out of consideration for her son Ben, but Kat feels like that may have been a cop-out too. Kat also goes on to add that while she loves the moms, him always referring to the as “my special ones” made her questions, “Well, what the hell am I?”

And while Chris helps clarify that it was because Juan Pablo is also a parent and wanted to make sure Renee and Cassandra felt understood, Kat (and I) think he should have just cut the word “special” from his vocabulary. Cassandra even agrees. She was a “special one” and even she was frustrated by the constant changing of the rules.

She goes on to explain that on their one-on-one date, there “was a lot of chemistry, a lot of kissing” and then he would go straight to Renee to tell her that he wanted to wait with her. So ultimately, she says, “It made me feel like he’s either not respecting Renee, or he’s not respecting me.”

And after that little ordeal we move right along to the Clare and the Ocean drama! Andi and Kat were both flabbergasted that they had no idea whatsoever that had happened because they were rooming with her. But the girls are more offended by the extended hot tub make out they had DURING the group date.  Kelly and Kat both say “that was way more disrespectful!” at the same time!

But back to the ocean, Chris Harrison says, “He had great regret and shame the next day, and he seemed to put that shame on Clare. Did he handle that situation correctly?” And NO is the resounding answer from all the women and the entire studio audience.

“I just don’t think he manned up like he should have in that situation. Honestly he’s just as to blame, if not more,” Sharleen pipes up. They all share that he was being a cowardly jackass who was slut-shaming Clare completely unfairly. Andi sticks up for Clare saying she knew what a great connection they had and took advantage of a situation. It’s completely on Juan Pablo for letting it explode and backfire the way it did. Alright, with that we end the guerilla warfare on Juan Pablo.

Sharleen gets up on the hot seat! Sharleen seemed a little divisive amongst you guys. Some felt like she was the breath-of-fresh-air, every-woman this show had been so sorely lacking, some of you felt like she was just awkward and strange and unpleasant. I think she was a bit of a combination of all those things. Chris Harrison feels like the relationship shared between she and Juan Pablo was such a hot-cold crazy thing, the likes of which he hasn’t really seen before.

“I think that honestly, I was honest the entire time,” she says when Chris asks her to talk about her experience. Cut to the video package that recaps their time together. We are forced to relive a lot of those hideous kisses.

She talks about how when they were together there was a great physical connection, but that so many of us have been in that place where the chemistry is there so you try and justify and fill in all the other holes and empty spaces. They laugh about the ever elusive “cerebral connection”.

Sharleen does come to Juan Pablo’s defense in that she found him to be “very curious” and would ask her questions about her life abroad and other cultures etc. But Chris chalks that up to her being Juan Pablo’s favorite from the get-go. Sharleen admits to having no idea how well favored she was, and the other women are like, “GIRL, PLEASE!”. They alllll knew how special she was. But ultimately, “it’s a two way street and that didn’t stop me from leaving” Sharleen concludes. She has few regrets and is glad she made the decision to leave. Huzzah, Sharleen you are a class act.

Now it’s Renee’s turn to drag her heart through the mud again. I have so much respect for this woman, so I’ll be interested to hear what she has to say about Juan Pablo. Renee is very level headed, very kind so she might be easier on him than the other women. Renee acknowledges that while she did feel love for him, they were so far behind everyone else. She was the last to kiss him, and they just moved slowly. But ultimately, Renee doesn’t regret coming on the show because she gained confidence that you can date as a single mom. And she also says she’s in a “situation now where I’m very happy”!!! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, RENEE! BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOURS! CLASS ACT FOR THE AGES!

Andi, come on down! It’s time for our hero Andi to take a turn in the hot seat. They dive right in about what happened in the Fantasy Suite that fateful night. Andi admits that at first when the cameras left, they did have a bit of a good time, but it quickly turned into Juan Pablo talking about his soccer, his traveling, the famous people he’s met. She also says he talked very negatively about the “whole process” and was so negative, and borderline ungrateful for the opportunity, that she felt sucked into it.

“I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” she laughs.

“Was that sarcastic?” Chris asks.

“Oh no, that is actually zero sarcasm. I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” responds Andi.

She then rehashes a lot of the things she was upset about when she left in St. Lucia. He was rude and talked explicitly about his date with Clare and no woman wants to hear that. Andi also does  a good job clarifying that he wasn’t “mean” to her, per say, but that the things he said and the way he said them were rude and disrespectful, unintentionally. Which to my mind is almost worst, to be a total jackass and not even realizing how hurtful you’re being. Wake up, buddy!

The best part though is when Andi admits to faking being asleep to get the date over with as soon as possible. She and old Chrarrison have a hearty laugh over that one. And they end by saying that Andi is not “in a situation” like Renee, but that she’s still looking for love. So they have set her up perfectly to be the next Bachelorette.

AND NOOOOW, ARE YOU READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBBLLEEEEEE??? JUAN PABLO IS HERE. He says right away that while he’s anxious and nervous to be there, he hopes he can be friends with many of these women after the final rose is done. Also he doesn’t regret anything he’s said or done!

“I’d rather be not appreciated for being honest than being appreciated for not being honest,” he says. He really would rather be rude and offensive speaking “the truth” than just say things a little differently and not be such a jag. Cool. Sounds right.

Lauren S. calls him out right away for using Camila as an excuse to not kiss her, rather than just saying the chemistry wasn’t there. His hackles go up and he says “no, no, no” and explains that he wasn’t there to kiss twenty-seven women, no no, he was there to get to know them and see if he felt something. So if he felt like he wanted to kiss them, he would’ve kissed them.  Which is cool because it is 100% up to the man to decide whether or not a kiss should happen because what do a woman’s feelings matter anyway HA HA HA?!?!?!

Juan Pablo also dives into a speech about how the part where Renee says how crushed Ben was after the last boyfriend and her broke up wasn’t televised. So he wan’t to spare Ben from that heartache and distress over why a man would kiss his mom and then leave forever. Baloney.

Which is where Cassandra, all of the sudden my hero this episode, says, “Honestly, if you cared about Ben’s feelings, you wouldn’t have gone on the hometown and met Ben only to send Renee home.”

To which Juan Pablo replies, “Why not?” because he’s the WORST.

“Before a hometown, you should have known if Renee might have been for you. And if you knew that Renee wasn’t for you, then you should have never met her son,” replies Cassandra.

“Why?” he says with the most condescending expression on his face. He says he introduces to Camila to whoever on the first date, as a “friend” or whatever. Which seems like the trope in the beginning of a 90s movie about children of divorce that are always being introduced to a parent’s “friend” all the while knowing that parent was dating cheap, no-good men/women. CAMILA GETS IT, JP. STOP DOING THAT.

Chantel calls him out for saying that keeping things fair line over and over and yet calling two women “special” and treating them differently. I think we’re getting a little caught up in the semantics of the phrase, rather than him not treating all the women as equals. He says that when he was on the Bachelorette it was different because Camila had her mom, but for these two, “they don’t”. Meaning the kids don’t have their moms, but don’t they have their dads? If they do, then this just reveals more of Juan Pablo’s unbending gender roles that a mom is the primary care-giver and dad’s can’t/shouldn’t do as much. Or the dads aren’t around and it is truly harder.

So Lauren H. the weeping Mineral Coordinator from night one chimes in with some sound reasoning and redeems herself a lot. She says that it is good to have those connections with the moms in the group, but to acknowledge and act compassionate towards the whole group because everyone is in a similar place. Way to go, Lauren H.! Coordinate those minerals!

Andi speaks up for Juan Pablo and it’s good because she expresses for him what he might not be able to. She says that he wan’t putting Renee and Cassandra above everyone else, but wanted to make sure they knew that he saw them differently.

“It’s not a game, this is like a relationship. And I think everyone here just wanted to be treated like they were in a unique and individual relationship with you,” Lucy tells Juan Pablo. This is great. All these women have really shown up tonight with their best, smart, strong sides showing. Girl Power, Lucy!

And then Kelly takes off the gloves and asks Juan Pablo point blank about what he meant in that infamous interview where he said gay people are “more pervert”. “Coming from a parent who is gay, I was hurt by that,” Kelly says. Juan Pablo looks right at her and says that he would love to really take the time after this to talk to her because that was taken out of context.

“Pervert? Was taken out of context?! Tell me that in Spanish,” she demands. Kelly is emotional here and that’s fair. Then Victoria joins in that he needs to stop using “English as a second language” as an excuse because she didn’t learn English until she was fifteen, and it’s making everyone look bad. I agree with that whole-heartedly!

But, I do feel like Juan Pablo is not a raging homophobe and that it’s possible he was misquote and misrepresented in that interview. He tries to defend himself but also gets a little too on the defensive that he’s not going to answer that right now. Whereas I think he could have used this time to really apologize and explain what happened. “I have no problem with them because I respect them. They were born that way!” he says. Sharleen also comes to his defense in saying that they talked about it in Seoul and feels like he is open minded and accepting. I believe Sharleen, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

And then we cut straight to bloopers! Chris Harrison says, “here’s your bloopers” like “here’s your gosh darn bloopers you ungrateful, dramatic loons!”

And that’s that. Thank God. Next week we are moving back to St. Lucia to see a very tearful final episode between two rival women on the show. Who will Juan Pablo chose? Clare? Nikki? No one?! What happens! I can’t wait! See you there my lovelies! Juan Pablo drinking game rules up on Monday for the premiere and recap up on Wednesday! Tell me all about your viewing parties and how you’re celebrating too! BESOS.

Distraction 2012 -

The polls on the East Coast are starting to close , and at the brink of actual results rolling in, I am impatient as ever. Good thing I discovered THIS little gem only minutes ago.

It's like the Backstreet Boys KNEW that I would need some happy frivolity today. This song is a real-life dream come true for me because as a wee lass (and certainly NOT within the last five years that would be insane ha HA ha) always wanted my beloved Boys from the Backstreets to release a Christmas album just like the other boy bands had done. But now, after more than a decade of waiting, the time as finally come.

The boys are men and they are all back together singing "la ta da da da's" in five part harmony with a heavy synth background. It is a true Election Day miracle.

Game of One Direction:

In the game of One Direction, you live or you die. Or rather, you love and you cry. 

Let’s start in the North and work our way down south (that’s not meant to be sexual; we’re starting at The Wall and ending in Dorne, with an added treat at the end). Just who in the Seven Kingdoms are they? I’m SO glad you asked. 

Liam Payne = Jon Snow

First off, the physical similarities are uncanny; they both look like pouty neglected puppies with beautiful deep chocolate eyes and scruffy facial hair. Their faces just SCREAM love me, and I do boys, I love you more than Arya loves revenge. Deeper than that though is that they also have that quality that says,”I’ll make a life long vow to protect your kingdom, babe, but I’ll also have hot forbidden cave sex with you.”

Like Jon Snow, Liam would fight a giant for you; he looks amazing in midnight black threads; and is a natural born leader. The people he surrounds look to him for answers, guidance, and approval, a position he fills with natural ease. Liam wields his pen to write love songs that slay a young girl’s heart like Jon wields his sword to slay the White Walkers. Excuse me while I swoon!

It took both Liam and Jon a couple hundred thousand words to find their niche, but once they did they became warrior poets. I love you my brave boys. 

Also, Liam’s last name is an homonym for “pain”, which is what Jon Snow is in all the time. 

Laim, you can be the watcher on my wall, the sword in my darkness. Please be my fire that burns against the cold, my light that burns the dawn… 

Louis Tomlinson = Tyrion Lannister  

Ok, before everyone goes all Red Wedding on me, HEAR ME OUT. 

Like Tyrion, no one gives Louis enough damn credit. He’s the type of person with whom you’d get sloppy wine drunk and giggle like a pair of jesters till the sun comes up, all while bearing his soul to you bit by bit. By the dawn, he’s your new obsession. The minute someone pointed a cross bow at you, Louis would rush to your defense armed with only his acerbic wit. He can insult you to your face so cleverly that you won’t realize he’s done it till he’s sauntering away, but it’s so charming, you ain’t even mad. Louis and Tyrion are always five steps ahead of everyone else in the room, a constant reminder that you’ll never be as badass as they are. 

Underneath Louis’ sarcasm lies a heart that’s literally made of gold. The heart of a warrior, a lover, a true prince. Louis is a precious gift from the seven gods, AND WE NEED TO TREASURE HIM. 

You light a wildfire in me that burns bright and cannot be quenched. The world is in your debt, Louis, we’ll try to be more like a Lannister and always pay you back.

P.S. - It should be noted that Louis has the regal cheekbones of Cersei and is as handsome as Jamie. 

Harry Styles = Margery Tyrell

If I could describe Margaery Tyrell in one word it would be charming. Has anyone ever been more charming than she? There wasn’t one. Not one, that is, until Harry Styles climbed out of the primordial ooze of X factor. 

Think about it: Margaery is so beautiful, so sweet, so charming that she had Joffrey (noted psychopath and sadist) wrapped around her perfect finger. Margaery had Joffrey turn from screaming for the head of every peasant who side-eyed him to giving them free food. Remind you of anyone?

Harry is the type of person you could walk through a garden with while casually discussing sexual preference, a man who would glide into an orphanage handing out toys and love. A man with dimples the size of craters, and hair as majestic as a peacock’s tail. And no one, I repeat no one can pull off wearing the deepest of V-cut clothing like these two. 

Oh Harry, you’re a queen. Not just A queen, the queen. 

P.S. - Come 2020, I predict Harry will reach Margaery levels of hair majesty. 

Zayn Malik = The Red Viper Himself, Oberyn Martell

Once upon a time there was a Sun Prince. A Sun Prince so sexual, so captivating, so dazzling it felt as though all light and warmth came from his being and not the sun. That man was Oberyn Martell Zayn Malik. 

When Oberyn Martell glides into a room, all objects and persons slowly begin to revolve around him like the planets circle the sun. Zayn is no different. Zayn is a god, an enigma. Zayn just might be the same sun that’s affixed on the Martell banner. 

Oberyn and Zayn share a love of the beautiful things in life: art, music, his lady love. Don’t be fooled by his calm and charming exterior; Zayn is fierce. Zayn can seduce you with a look, wears the hell out of a dress coat, and would avenge your death twenty years after your murder. Others throw themselves at his feet, but he remains loyal only to you. 

Also, lets not forget when Niall got pulled down by paps at the airport and Zayn was all:

Most importantly, Oberyn’s fluid skillful twirl fighting is the physical representation of Zayn’s vocal riffing. 

No one has ever been as alluring as Oberyn Martell Zayn Malik 

Niall Horan = Hot Pie

Don’t be fooled by  his Targaryen good looks. Niall is Hot Pie through and through

Hot Pie may just be the best character in the whole series. Niall may just be the best person on the whole planet. 

When you’re sad and full of despair because you failed your test or perhaps because your whole family has been violently murdered, Niall is always there to make you smile. 

Like Hot Pie, Niall doesn’t get caught up in the tedious drama of everyday life. Sure, he supports you in your never-ending quest for violent revenge, but he doesn’t play the politics game himself. His carefree spirit and absentminded musings always bring a smile to your face and make him universally loved. It’s impossible not to adore these two. 

Remember the time that Hot Pie baked Arya bread in the shape of a direwolf like a motherfucking gentleman? Who else would do this for you but Niall? He might take a bite or six out of it before gifting it to you, but it’s the thought that counts. 

You bet your bottom gold dragon that this boy would shower you with love, humor, and loyalty. 

P. S. I had a sheer moment of panic this morning of “wait, is Harry ‘I used to be a baker’ Styles Hot Pie?”. But I feel my gut was right.

P.P.S. -.  My favorite sentence in ASOIAF is “Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie” and my favorite member of 1D is Niall Horan. What do these two facts have to do with each other? Nothing at all. I just wanted to write “Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie.” Now I’ve done it twice. 

P.P.P.S. - If you disagree with me, I would love to hear your thoughts. Please let me know your opinions. I’d love to gently correct you on them. 

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap "The Men Tell All"

Oh, God. I’m going to start by postulating that I am far too sober to endure this. The Men Tell All is typically a little less exciting, less titillating and a little drier and more self-righteous, BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY: Juan Pablo will be back. Hope does indeed spring eternal, as they say. And we did have quite our fair share of drama this season, so full of hope I am.

Ok chiquitos, let’s dive in.

Chris Harrison jogs out onto his dais of hosting to give us a lil preview of the fun to come. But first we shall show a video package of Chris and Des crashing some Bachelorette viewing parties. Lots of people drinking wine and screaming is all that happens. Holla to that real cute dog in one house!

Oh hold up! They cut right to my nougat core when Ashley and JP trot out to assist in party crashing! I do love them! Then the Mesnick’s come and whatever. And TRISTAAA! The Orignial Bachelorette and one of the very only success stories the show has ever had.

To desperately fill the two hour time slot, we sit down with Ashley, Emily, and Ali of Bachelorette fame to discuss “Bad Boys” (?????). This season certainly had more jerkwads than usual: Brian, Ben, and James were all dirt bags. I do like those girls though; they basically just tell Des to speak her mind and put any guy trying to pull shenanigans in his place.

At minute 20 of this carnival, we finally introduce all the guys present and accounted for. James gets booed. Ben gets booed. Juan Pablo is greeting by uproarious cheers AS IS HIS RIGHT. Zak W. looks like he got a brand new varnish and is now the shade of your dad’s favorite pair of loafers.

You guys I cannot handle my shit with Juan Pablo. I cannot. I know that all you other ladies feel the same because they talk to him WAY MORE than they did on the show because they had no idea what a good thing they had going. Juan Pablo, mi amor, yo puedo darte todo el amor y pasión que necesitas en la vida y a tu hija querida, seré mamá. Por favor, elige yo por su media naranja. BESOS (shout out to my bilingual homies who don’t need no Google translate).

In the package that recaps the show up to this point Kasey says, re: Desiree, “She’s a very wholesome, very pure girl which makes her all the more attractive.” I will not even get started on how horrible and backwards this fucking sentence is but it makes me mad enough to drop the first ever f-bomb in these recaps. THIS AIN’T YO MAMA’S RECAP WHERE THE FEMALE DOUBLE STANDARD OF PURITY VS. SHAMEFUL SLUT IS CONCERNED.

Kasey says “wholesome and pure” a couple more times. I violently vomit. Kasey might be more of a villain to me than Ben in terms of being annoying and backwards thinking and so self-righteous oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Diving right into the Brian with a secret girlfriend situation Chris says, “We invited Brian to be here to own up to what he had done. He chose not to. So we’re gonna chose to talk about him.” Oh Chris, so droll. Everyone agrees he was an asshole with questionable motives. The end.

I’m pulling my hair like a crazed, sycophantic girl experiencing Beatlemania as Juan Pablo talks about how weird it is that Ben saw it as a competition because he just knew that in the end it was Desiree who was calling all the shots about who she wanted to be with. He could win the Lone Ranger competition, but that doesn’t mean he wins her heart. JuanPablomania.

Ben’s time in the hot seat is up. Ugh. This bowl of oatmeal again. They show a lot of footage of him in the Tank Top of Doom: The Tank Top’s Revenge. I had forgotten what a psychopath he came off as in the limo as he left the show.

Mikey shares a nice sentiment that you should be the same man around your friends as you are around your girlfriend when Ben says one is always a different guy around a girl. Juan Pablo thinks he’s crazy; Brandon the guy who said “I love you” way too soon thinks he’s a politician; Dan Oatmeal has a big opinion because he says that Ben’s son’s mother approached Dan in Vegas. Lots of accusations being slung around the room about Ben possibly cheating on a girlfriend with his son’s mom. How’s that for complicated?

Then Chris decides to bring the other two dads into the conversation. Zak immediately brings up Juan Pablo and you guys, dare I speak it ere it come true, but they seem to be painting a pretty rosy picture of JP and they MIGHT just be setting him up to be the next Bachelor. MAYBE.

Regardless, Zak says you can tell how much JP loves his daughter because he thought of almost nothing else, in a loving way. Ben as a father on the other hand…everyone on Twitter and the Internet in general was right that the moment a guy toted his kid out on the first night, he painted himself as a royal asshole. T-Swift knows what I’m sayin.

James is up in the hot seat now. He repulses me in every way. Even if his personality was sparkling and not made of slime, I would still be repulsed by his beef-neck, juice head, beady little eyes and pointy nose. After trying and failing to justify the things that he said about being the next bachelor and what would happen when they aren’t on the show, he just comes off worse and worse. The reaction faces of the women in the audience are perfect “Hell no!”, “I’m sorry, what?” and “You are totally whack bro” faces.

Now we bring Mikey in to level about that infamous conversation that happened in Germany. How surprised are you that Kasey butts in and things escalate quickly? Not surprised at all? You are very smart. It’s the same fight that’s happened over and over. I honestly dislike Kasey more than Mikey at this point.

And you James? No. Just no. You better watch yourself around the mean streets of Chicago because so help me if I see you I will internally scream and then fumble for my phone to snag a shaky pic of you and send it to all my friends and focus so much negative energy your way. So, YEAH. Look out.

IT’S TIME FOR NON-STOP JUAN PABLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I get that long awaited moving shot of Juan Pablo in a swimsuit and then they show him dancing and all this long lost footage of him talking to his daughter and talking about his daughter and talking about having more kids. I just. You guys. Juan Pablo is my everything.

The questions Chrarrison asks JP are inconsequential because the answer always comes around to his daughter Camila. It’s all about her. I like that he’s a very devoted dad, but I have to wonder if there’s anything more to him. Is he just living off his professional soccer player money? What does he do during the week when he’s not with Camila? Would he ever consider marrying me? How often does he go back to Venezuela to see his family? What are his likes? His dislikes? How can I use those to my advantage to win his heart? These are the questions I’m asking myself while ogling his majestic face.

Sadly our time with Juan Pablo has come to an end and now we must talk to our antique leather football helmet Zak. He actually had more of a connection with Des than I gave him credit for, despite being a self-described buffoon. He clearly felt a lot for her because he bought her a promise ring, told her he loved her, then was very sad when he got dumped.

Zak has a surprisingly good sense of humor about himself. He admits that he is a bold guy who comes on “a little strong”. He admits that he’s very enthusiastic and that he’s sad about how hard it is to meet people. Oh, Zak, just when I think I could make fun of you forever you go and make me feel sad for you.

Surprise poetry corner! Remember that journal he gave Desiree in the beginning? Well he wrote a poem in invisible ink in the last few pages and we shall read it for you now.

Love is it

The only reason to open your home to a stranger

The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom

No risk is too great

No apprehension justifiable

All hope is rooted in it

Because love is our only hope for happiness

And I am happy to say – this is love

Now, it may not be Byron. It may not be Keats. But that is far and away more of a real poem than that watery thin gruel of “poetry” that Chris spoon feeds Desiree every week. Zak admits he is still in love with Des. Hoo buoy.

And just like that Desiree arrives in a gold spangley dress Tina Turner would surely envy. They recap what I’ve already recapped about the drama from Jonathan the fantasy suite guy, to Brian the adulterer, to Ben the butthead. Desiree asserts that she felt Ben was insincere and can feel him trying to put forth a persona that people will like. She also confronts James for being manipulative and combative.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Zak W wrote her a song and there is a guitar sitting next to him. Oh and he’s picking it up! Desiree actually gasps, “oh, no!” as he approaches her on the dais to perform his broken heart song. Oh let me die. Let me die before I have to see and hear this. Oh NO. Zak NOOOO.

Zak has a lovely country singing voice. Sincerely. It’s not my kind of song and he has a heavy twang, but this is a song he could sell to any current country artist. There are women actually crying in the audience. Stop crying. Desiree gives him a hug to say thank you.

Then Chrarrison announces with the most excitement he can muster, “Everybody’s favorite part of this show: bloopers.” I laugh out loud for real at some of the goings on. Click here to view it and enjoy the more candid moments of the show

The preview for the “Bachelorette shocking two part finale” is up next. Weird things are afoot. Extenuating circumstances methinks are the cause of all the strife happening and not one guy necessarily being an ass. Chrarrison knows that he has said the words “the most emotionally wrought finale ever” but this time he means it. There are tears happening all over the place. What is going on?! What will happen?!

I can’t wait. Thanks for checking in and I’ll see you all next Wednesday for the recap of the first part of the finale. Until then, check me out at @chasspod. Journey on, journeyers!

your bachelor recaps make my life. muchas graciassss!!!!

De nada mi amor!!! The fact that people read and enjoy them makes MY life, so we're even. We're just all in this big beautiful psychologically damaging journey to find love together.

It's really, really hot out, everyone. The heat is oppressive all across the country, and we here in Chicago have our very own Heat Advisory in effect until 10pm tonight. 10 pm! That is long after the sun will go down!

So, to bring you a little relief from the beating rays of Apollo's golden carriage, peruse these pictures of some excellent animals being the opposite of hot. Click the pictures to enlarge them and get really into the whole Eisbaer experience.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!

Henley Monday -

Whew. I don't know about you guys, but I always feel extra lethargic the Monday after an Awards show. It could be because my emotions are running at full blast and I'm either euphorically happy and crying along with the winners or screaming about injustices to my TV (BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. WHEREFORE??).

Anyhow, as the cast and selected crew of Les Mis assembled on the stage to accept their award for best Comedy/Musical (LOL at this anachronistic category), I noticed a very special someone missing. Aaron Tveit. Dear sweet Aaron Tveit or Enjolras as you may know him. Why wasn't he there?!? What on Earth could have kept him from being on my TV!?

So to make up for his absence, here is a handsome picture of him looking really masculine in mauve which is just a testament to not only his good looks but the power of the henley. Happy Monday.